I was standing at the door of my parents house for the past fifteen minutes, deciding if I should go in or bolt out at top speed.
The need to know how my father was doing was too strong, but my insecurities pulled me back. What if he doesn't like my presence? What if mom gives me the same disgusted expression?Would I trigger another panic attack?
I envisioned this moment a long time ago, but Dad was not back from the hospital and I was not on the brink of going to jail. Life is funny sometimes, your dreams do come true but not the way you want them to.
Get it done with.
Chris would tell me the exact same words, after giving me a warm and charming smile, maybe even press a small kiss to the top of my head.
Why am I thinking about him at a time like this?
Because you're weird.
My subconscious will get it good one day.
I pushed the button for the doorbell, and waited trying to hear the approaching footsteps.
"Gwen." Mom's eyes widened, she barreled towards me and pulled me into a hug before I can say anything. Her strawberry scent engulfed me, weirdly soothing my fretting nerves. I didn't know what to do, should I push her away, why does life not prepare you for moments like these.
"You look so beautiful, I knew you would come." she said, grinning from ear to ear.
"How's Dad?" I asked.
"He wants to meet you, in the last room go." she encouraged, gently patting my cheek.
In a daze my feet carried me towards the indicated room. I saw him lying on the edge of the bed, not the strong intimidating man I left behind, his face was scrunched up in pain did he have a bad dream? Does he not like my presence?
"Leaving without greeting me? Guess that is what I deserve for my behavior." I heard him.
"How do you feel?" I asked cursing myself for asking such a lame question.
"Better now actually. If your mom asks I'm
still recovering, I love it when she dots over me." He chuckles with a boyish grin, my Dad, a man who wouldn't breathe in the wrong direction was joking. Clearly I'm going mad.
"I read the article regarding you in the newspaper." He says looking at me curiously.
Ohh I understood now, they were ashamed I was ruining the Carter reputation. Maybe I was invited to be told what a disgrace I was. I'm wrong things don't change, not then not today.
"I should have done more than hope for a better response, and don't worry I will take care not to ruin your reputation." I said bitterly making a dash towards the door.
"Wait! That's not what I meant." I heard his
frantic voice."You would never do anything like this"
"You believe me?" I asked hoping I heard wrong.
"I made the mistake of not trusting you once. I'm not stupid to do that again." He said indicating me to sit beside him.
"Why now?" I asked, they certainly didn't beleive me when I begged, pleaded and cajoled, why believe me now, when I didn't bother giving an explanation.
"Time for your meds, and no amount of whinning will work with me." a soft, amused voice chirped.
"Lily." I chocked out.
"Gwen." she voiced, stunned.
"Come sit by me." Dad urged her softly, indicating to the chair beside him.
"Adam had me hooked on drugs." Lily blurted out.
"What?" I asked, I heard wrong didn't I, that isn't true.
"It's true." Dad encouraged her to continue.
"Tell me this isn't true." I demanded, glaring at Lily, if what she's saying is true, why am I hearing about it now, If only I could find Adam, faster than he could think, he would end up in a coffin. He gave drugs to my sister, my underage fifteen year old sister.
"Tell me everything." I asked anger pooling into my system.
"Susan was my best friend, we were just so attached. One day she went on a camping trip and met with an accident. Her death brought back a lot of memories of Nanna's death too. I had repeated nightmares, everything felt useless, I didn't know how to deal with the grief. didn't know whom I should talk to. Adam caught me smoking and convinced me to try out drugs. He would regularly drop off stashes in the begining, and then he started demanding money." she explained head bowed down.
"You stole money for drugs." I summarise seeing exactly where this led to.
"Drugs were not meant for me, I became addicted, one day without them would feel like hell. I started throwing up, blanked out in random places, I couldn't eat, I didn't sleep anymore. I decided one day to quit and I told Adam not to give me any more. He didn't like it, he demanded money, started blackmailing me. I had to do something, and I stole money one day. You know the rest." she tried talking, big droplets of tears streamed down her eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me about it?" I asked, feeling so many emotions at once.
"Mom and Dad never wanted to see anything but the perfect little image they created of me, I was terrified that they would disown me, if they knew the truth. And your my big sister Gwen, I always dreamt of being like you, you were so nice, sweet and perfect and once you knew the truth you would take a stand for me, and you would have a massive fight with Dad. I didn't want to be the reason you lost the little touch with our parents. And the irony is that I did do, what I was terrified of."
"When did you know about this?" I directed my question at Dad this time.
"On the day of the party, I knew accusing you of stealing money was preposterous. I overheard a phone call between Adam and Lily. I wanted to confront both of them, and then break off my business contract with Liam. But things got out of hand when Adam came into your room drunk."
"Why didn't you beleive me that day?" the moment which is stuck in my head,something I can't forget.
"What will you do to make sure a egoistic man stays until you can expose him?" he questioned lips pulling into a twisted smile.
"Make him think he's on the winning side" I realised.
"It wasn't the right choice."
"What?"
"I thought like a businessman not like your Dad. And in that moment out of everything you needed your Dad to hold your hand and stand by you. And I always chose my instincts, which were obviously wrong."
"Why didn't you try to contact me?" I asked Lily.
"I was ashamed of myself, Mom was mad at me, Dad was already dealing with so much, you left us. I wanted to be a better person and then meet you, I was in rehab for two years, and then Dad came along, I took this necklace Nanna and you made for my fifth birthday to rehab. Everytime I saw that pendent, It reminded me of you. And my will to come back became stronger."
"Why did you treat me like that?" I asked.
"Life is not easy Gwen, I was not perfect. I messed with the wrong people and they harmed your mom when she was carrying you, you were a premature baby. And I didn't have money to pay, your Nanna had to give up her savings. That day I vowed to myself that I will never let my kids make any bad choices that I made. I carefully tried molding you and Lily to being perfect, that you wouldn't have to live with consequences of any bad choices. Lily was so soft and sensitive, anything I said she agreed, but you were stubborn, you rebelled, fought back, yelled at my face. I thought that being rude and strict with you would make you succumb to my choices. I forgot the fact that you are my daughter, and listening to someone is not in your blood."
"Do you actually think I'm gonna be moved by your confession and forgive you for all I have been through, it was years of neglect, insecurities hammered into my head. And now I'm supposed to forget all of it and call you father of the year"
"I want you to let go of the past."
"Like that's super easy."
"My bad parenting was not your fault, my bad decisions were not your fault, Adam is not your fault, stop blaming yourself, let go of that anger, hurt and the trust you lost in people. I know it's not easy. Don't be like me, don't let one incident keep you from finding love. Life is too short to be mulling over the past.."
"I have plenty of people I care about."
"Realisation of how badly I had affected you hit me when I saw you crying in the cafe. If you think you can never forgive us, don't. These are my choices and I will suffer the consequences. Don't punish yourself for my mistakes. I realised what a lousy parent I was being when Lily was too scared to tell me about her, she thought I would judge her like everyone. But family is not like everyone, your faults, quirks, flaws are all accepted. I failed to make you both understand that, and it is an example of how bad I failed at parenting."
"If you claim to love me so much, then why didn't you come for me, why didn't you bother telling me about this."
"Leaving us was your choice, coming back home should have also been your choice. I didn't want to bring you back to a place that would make you miserable. If staying away from us meant you are happy, then you deserved to be."
"It's just too much for me to deal with."
"I was out for a meeting, the driver was on leave. My arm turned numb, I tried to speak, to call someone for help, but I was helpless. I remembered you at that time, how much I had messed you up, and I just couldn't die like that. I wanted to make you understand that none of it was your fault. Forgiving us, and taking us back into your life, is completely your choice but I don't want you wasting even a second blaming yourself for my mistakes. There was nothing wrong with you, you were perfect and I didn't deserve to have a chance to see your first heartbreak, comfort you when you were sad, the first boxing match you won. And I have my entire life to live regretting what I had lost. The past is meant to teach us something, it shapes us to be what we are, don't let it affect your life now."
"Things can't go back to normal, I don't think it's that easy."
"I'm waiting for you Gwen. You have a family, your not alone. When you're ready to make an effort to take us back into your life, we will be there for you. Now, you have a company to save. Show the world what you are made up of, how strong you are. Because you're my daughter and she doens't give up."
"What are you doing now?" I asked Lily.
"I work part-time, and I'm taking classes to become a neuro surgeon. It's what I always wanted to be."
"I have so much going on right now, I need to time to think. I have spent my entire life waiting for this chance to speak it out. I need more time." I said tugging at my hair.
"I know. When your ready to give us a chance come back home. I don't want to manipulate or justify my mistakes, right my wrongs. I want you to understand that it's not your fault. Not many people make good parents, and I was one of them. You have a company to save, go fight for what is yours." Dad smiled pulling me into a hug.
I tightened my hands around him and sobbed into his shirt no longer caring about anything. I had my Dad with me, the moment I wanted was finally here. I was not a disappointment, not a burden, not baggage.
"I will wait for the day, you come back to us Gwen." he gently kissed my forehead.
***********************
Your not stuck.
You can...
Let go.
Move forward.
Heal from your past.
Walk away.
Be happy.
Don't allow your thoughts to hold you back.- unknown.
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My next update will be Tuesday.
Thank you to all of you lovely people for voting and commenting.
Does anyone want me to write a bonus chapter in her father's pov?
Comment and tell me what you think I should consider while editing this chapter.
Do you think Gwen should forgive her parents?
Until Then.