Here's the first chapter! Hope you like it!
Kim Yongsun was on her way to class. She was enrolled in a Seoul National University undergraduate degree program of English Language and Literature. English had always been fascinating to her, so she decided to study it further, so that maybe one day she could move to an English speaking country and continue her life there.
She was on foot. It was a sunny day and buses were too cramped at eight in the morning. Yongsun didn't like crowded places, at all. Of course the street wasn't close to being deserted either, but at least she was in constant movement, not giving people enough time to stare. Because she was sure they were staring. They're always staring and judging in their minds.
She was wearing a discreet, normal outfit. She just threw on some blue jeans, and put on a dark blue sweater, matching that with some white sneakers. Just the same as everyone else, so that she wouldn't feel judged as she walked through the streets of Seoul and her university.
Yongsun lived off campus so that she could avoid having to live with someone. Her parents, knowing very well what living with a roommate could set off, had allowed her to rent a very small apartment not too far from campus. That's where she'd been living for the past two years.
Yongsun's routine consisted simply of going to class, and returning home to study. She had no friends, no one to talk with, no one to help her with her homework and projects.
It was better this way. Without having to be completely insecure about every single thing.
"What if they're just pretending to like me?"
This was a thought that had ruined basically all of Yongsun's relationships. Her highschool friends were constantly annoyed by it, and her lovers just got sick of it.
That's one of the main reasons Yongsun had decided to go to a university that was really far from home. If she didn't talk to them, they wouldn't have to be annoyed. They wouldn't have to be burdened by her and her constant panic attacks. They wouldn't have to tell her parents about it, and her parents wouldn't have to threaten to put her in the hospital.
You see, Yongsun had severe Social Anxiety Disorder. Every little thing, every tiny action people did could set off a panic attack so intense that she would take a few days to recover. That's why she skipped class so often. Her professors were astonished with her grades, since she took so many sick days.
No one knew who she was. No one talked to her. It was like Yongsun was invisible, and that's exactly what she wanted. Her professors somehow knew not to call on her in class (she was pretty sure her parents had something to do with that), her classmates didn't even bother, so Yongsun just continued to live her life, alone, except for her cute little schnauzer, Jing Jing.
However, this wasn't a normal day. It was the first day of the second semester. New subject. New professor.
No one expected the professor to call on Kim Yongsun. Who even was Kim Yongsun? Everyone in the classroom looked around, looking for a new student. However, there was no new student. Who was Kim Yongsun?
"Is Kim Yongsun absent?" The professor insisted, when no one raised their hand to answer.
"I-I'm here." A tiny little voice sounded in the classroom, almost too tiny for anyone to hear, trembling. Everyone looked at the source of the voice: the tiny girl at the back who no one had ever talked to. She looked distressed, to say the least.
Yongsun looked around the class as her heartbeat was raising exponentially. That brown haired guy was staring right at her, laughing at her. The blonde girl on the other side was whispering to her friend. Probably about how weird she was. The redhead in the front looked straight back at her and sneered. Everyone was staring. No exceptions. Everyone. Yongsun was so in her head, that she didn't hear the professor call her for the third time.
"Miss Kim, could you please answer the question?"
Everyone stared at her as her breath quickened. Her eyes looked everywhere, but nowhere in particular. It was getting so hard to breathe.
Remember what the doctor said, Yong. You can do this. Just count to twenty.
Yongsun closed her eyes as she counted.
1... 2... 3... 4...
"Miss Kim, are you feeling alright?" The professor moved closer as the class have her space.
5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10...
She opened her eyes to see the professor's hand on her shoulder. That's when the tears came, and didn't stop.
"Miss Kim, calm down, please."
Oh yes, of course, I haven't been trying to do that.
She was hearing herself wheezing, gasping for air, only to find that barely no oxygen was passing to her lungs. She knew she would black out if she didn't control herself.
She was suffocating. This whole situation was suffocating. Her mind was suffocating. She couldn't breathe. Her mind never let her breathe.
She was staring to get dizzy, her vision darkening.
11... 12... 13...
"What's wrong with her?" She heard a distant voice ask. "What a freak."
Yeah, that did it.
The last thing she heard is the professor asking someone to call an ambulance, and her forehead hit the desk in front of her.
Yongsun's parents were called once again. Usually, they would just tell the hospital to let Yongsun go as soon as she woke up, but this time, they decided enough was enough. They got on a plane and flew to Seoul as soon as they could, giving specific instructions not to discharge Yongsun. Although Yongsun was an adult, due to her situation, her parents had the power to make this decision.
A few hours later, Yongsun woke up, hearing the familiar beep of the machines she had been tied to, for absolutely no reason. She wasn't dying, she had a panic attack. She was already a regular at the hospital.
Her head was pounding, her eyes hurt, and her mouth was dry. Same old, same old, am I right?
The usual nurse entered the room a few minutes later, carrying a glass of water and some aspirin, she set it down on the table next to Yongsun.
"You know, Yongsun, you really need to think about getting some help for that." She said, sitting on the bed.
"N-No need Mrs. Jeong. I am alright." Yongsun replied shyly, not daring to look at the nurse, scared that her fear would be evident on her face.
"The panic attacks have been more frequent." Mrs. Jeong pointed out. "Besides, you've known me for two years and you still can't look at me when you talk to me. There's no shame in getting help sweetheart."
Mrs. Jeong was Yongsun's favorite nurse. It was also the only nurse she would talk to. The older lady had this motherly demeanor that made Yongsun more comfortable than usual, albeit still uncomfortable.
"I-I know. I just d-don't think I need it." Yongsun said quietly, her thumbs fidgeting. She finally lifted her head to look at the nurse, silently asking the question she was afraid to ask.
"I'm sorry, kid. This time we can't let you go. Your parents didn't allow it." She said, patting Yongsun's leg, before standing up and making her way to the door, since she had other matters to attend to.
"Take the aspirin and get some sleep. You look like you need it." She said before she left the room.
Yongsun sighed and leaned back on her bed, pressing her palms to her eyes, trying not to cry. Her parents were coming. This was bad. She knew what this meant. Yongsun didn't want this. She was normal, to a certain extent. Sure, she was shy and she couldn't perform many basic tasks without panicking. How did Yongsun go shopping, you ask? Well, she ordered everything online and asked the company to use the same delivery girl every time. But that wasn't a reason why she couldn't lead a normal life, right?
She picked the aspirin up, playing with it on her hand. If her parents really admitted her in a mental institution, what would that make her? Crazy? She wasn't crazy. Right?
She downed the aspirin as well as the whole glass of water, setting the empty glass on the table once again and taking a deep breath.
If Yongsun couldn't leave until her parents arrived, at least she could try and get some sleep. Mrs. Jeong was right, she was in desperate need of it. God, she was exhausted. Yongsun closed her eyes and drifted off once again, this time willingly.
Mrs. and Mr. Kim entered the hospital room, followed by Yonghee, Yongsun's older sister, who wanted to see her sibling before was hospitalized. Of course, Yongsun had an idea as to why they were coming, but she just refused to believe that, thinking that she could still change her parents' minds.
Don't get them wrong. Yongsun's parents weren't doing this to spite her or to get rid of her. They loved Yongsun very much, so much that all their lives they've worried about her and this recurring issue. But there's only so much they could do to help. They weren't trained professionals, they couldn't help Yongsun the way she needed to be helped.
Mrs. Kim made her way to the side of the bed and ran her hand through her youngest daughter's hair, slowly waking the girl up, as Mr. Kim pulled a chair and sat beside the bed.
Yonghee just stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do since it was the first time she was visiting her sister at the hospital. Her parents had never let her come, they didn't want her to see her sister like this.
To see Yongsun looking so exhausted and tiny, vulnerable, in that big hospital bed was almost too much for Yonghee. Where was the annoying little brat that always stole her dumplings? Or that thought that having defined biceps meant she could beat her in a fight? She always looked so strong...
Yongsun opened her eyes to see her mother right beside her.
"Mom?" She called, her voice hoarse from sleep.
"I'm here Yong." She said lovingly, pinching her daughter's chubby cheek affectionately, an action that makes the girl giggle, before she remembered what her parents were there for.
She took a look around the room, stretching and cracking her back as she did so. When she spotted her older sister in the room she freezed.
"Unnie?" She asked surprised. "Mom, Dad, what is going on?" Yongsun asked, looking around the room and beggining to panic once again, since she knew exactly what was going on.
"Yongsun." Mr. Kim said, moving closer to place a gentle hand on little Yong's shoulder. "You know we love you very much, right?"
"Dad-"
"Please, Yonggie. Listen to me first, okay?" He interrupted. Yongsun nodded, keeping quiet. "Like I said, we love you very much. We always have and we always will. It was really hard for us to make this decision, but you know as well as we do that you need help. Professional help. Can you please do that for yourself? If not for yourself, then for us?" He asked. Yongsun sighed, and layed her head on the pillow, looking at the ceiling.
"How long?" She asked simply, knowing that she can't refuse anymore.
"We don't know. It depends solely on you." Mrs. Kim said. Yongsun nodded, much to her parents surprise. They expected her to put up a bigger fight.
"Great!" Mr. Kim exclaimed. "I'm going to sign the discharge papers, honey, would you come with me?" He asked his wife, who nodded and stood up.
"Yonghee, sweetie, would you mind helping your sister get dressed?" Mrs. Kim asked. The girl nodded and quickly made her way towards her sister in order to help her up.
"I got it." Yongsun said, standing up. However, her body was exhausted, and quickly her legs caved in. Luckily, her sister was there to support it.
"Sure you do." Yonghee teased, before turning serious. "Sun" She called, using one of her sister's favorite nicknames.
"Yes?" Yongsun asked as she tried to get one of her legs inside her jeans.
"Why did you say yes this time? What was different from the other times this happened?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do." Big Yong insisted, knowing her sister well.
"A guy in class called me a freak." Yongsun admitted. This made Yonghee stop in her tracks and turn Yongsun towards her.
"Hey. Do you think you're a freak?"
"Well, be honest, am I not?"
"You are, but not because of the reason you think are." The older girl replied, not being able to resist teasing her sister. This confused Yongsun.
"Unnie, you're not making any sense."
"What I mean is, you're not a freak because of your mental illness. You're a freak because you fill your mouth with my dumplings so that I can't eat them."
Yongsun laughed and rolled her eyes, slapping her sister's arm.
"You bitch, that hurt!" Yonghee said, although she was laughing as well, feeling better now that Yongsun was laughing.
"It better have." Yongsun squints playfully at her sister. After a few moments of silence though, she turns to her once again. "Will you be able to visit me while I'm there?" She asked, tears evident in her eyes.
Yonghee was taken aback by the vulnerability present on the younger girl's voice, who was just teasing her seconds earlier. It reminded her of the times young Yongsun had crawled into her bed in the middle of the night because she was scared of thunder, or because she had a nightmare.
"Yes. We can visit once a week, and I'll be there every week, you'll see! I promise." Yonghee smiled bittersweetly at Yongsun while extending her pinky. Yongsun had tears running down her face as she wrapped her own pinky around her sister's, while her other hand hastily wiped at her own face. Although she was usually comfortable around her family, she hated to cry. In front of anyone. Yongsun couldn't bear the thought of anyone seeing her in such a vulnerable state.
"You better." She replied, engulfing her sister in a hug.