Carson's POV
When I woke up the next morning, my eyes were nearly glued shut from falling asleep directly after crying. Jay had me tucked under his chin and wrapped up in the shirt he was wearing and a couple of blankets. It was nice; even if I cried more last night that I had in a long time. It was just a lot of emotions all at once. I didn't know how to process it. No matter what I said, to him, it was all wrong.
And I was starting to believe that he was right.
"Why are you up so early?" Jay grunted as I tried moving out of his arms.
"I have to pee, let me go," He cracked an eye open to look at me before reluctantly letting me go. Rolling out of bed, I stretched before making my way towards the downstairs bathroom.
After I used the bathroom, I was stuck staring at myself on the bathroom mirror as memories of last night buzzed through my head. The marker was still inked on my skin.
"Absolutely everything about you is perfection and I want you to see that; to understand that," Jay whispered against the back of my neck.
"Your stretch marks simply show that you've grown into this absolutely gorgeous and caring individual that you are,"
It felt odd to be receiving so many compliments; all of them just as sincere as the first.
"I'm making waffles, you hungry?" Jay asked as I walked out of the bathroom. I nodded and jumped onto the counter as I watched him move around the kitchen with practiced movements from growing up here.
"Last night," I paused as Jay grabbed out the waffle iron before turning to me and motioning for me to continue, "I wanted to thank you for it. I-uh never really expected my mate to care that much and you do and I just am so thankful. I'm really trying to see what you see; it's just a process." Jay has paused making the waffle batter and turned to me with a blinding smile.
"That's the first time you called me your mate, but aside from that, you don't have to thank me for telling you the truth. I understand that you don't believe me, and I hate that, but at the same time, I will do everything to make you believe that." Jay's voice cracked as he turned back around to finish the batter.
I stayed sitting on the counter as I traced over the words written on my legs; I didn't have it in me to wash away the caring words. They felt like armor that could protect me from anyone and anything.
"I have some stuff I need to get done today, and I need to go monitor training," Jay said as he began pouring the batter into the waffle iron. I jumped off the counter and went to the fridge to grab out some fruit, which was pretty much one of the only things we had in there. Neither of us had had time lately to go grocery shopping, so we only had some random food we've picked up.
"Okay, I think I'm going to go down to the daycare and nursery after I unpack some more and order groceries,"
"What? You don't want to live off takeout, strawberries, and waffles?" Jay joked. I gave a slight chuckle as I cut up the fruit in comforting silence.
I don't want to pressure you and understand that it will all come on your own terms, but the best way to feel safe and connected to Jay will be to open up to him about your past. Issac's voice rang through my head, silencing the growing silence.
Logically, I knew he was right. Liz and I had discussed me opening up to Jay in small bits and pieces, but I just didn't want to bother him. He was always so busy lately.
At the same time, I could at least try.
"I've known I was gay since I was 13. I came out to my parents about a year and a half ago; my dad was fine with it, but my mom flipped. That's when I got the split eyebrow I said was from me falling at the soccer game." Everything came out in quick succession. I could feel the once comfortable silence shift into a stiff tension as Jay took in what I said.
"Why didn't you ever say anything? To me or to your dad?" His voice cracked as he asked a valid question.
Nearly 10 years of abuse, yet I never let anyone know. It was planned enough to make sure my dad was away, and I was a clutz my entire life; playing off a bruise or two wasn't a big deal. The broken bones came less frequently. They were reserved for when I really pissed her off because they were harder to fabricate a story for. Even though I had faster healing due to being from a beta bloodline, I still had to be careful for a few days after the fact.
I still always played it off though. I made up a story and made sure nobody ever suspected anything because, to me, she was my dad's, destined mate. They had to stick together or I'd lose my dad; I got good at hiding the pain.
"I-I thought they were meant to be together. I knew I couldn't come between mates, so I just pulled away and made sure my dad never knew, I guess. She didn't start physically abusing me until he started traveling more; I think she blamed me for that. And the verbal stuff, I guess it just made me believe nobody would care." My voice was a hushed whisper as I tried to come up with some type of explanation because I didn't really have one.
"And me? I was always there for you. I thought," Jay paused and took a deep breath, "I thought you told me everything." I could feel his pain through our bond; just like I know he could feel mine.
"I didn't think you'd care," it was whispered between us like a sacred secret.
"I've cared about you like you were an extension of my own body for as long as I can remember. I-don't blame yourself for what happened, but I just hate that you didn't feel like I'd be there for you. Even if you didn't think your dad would pick you, I would've without sparing a thought." Jay's voice was rough as we turned to face each other. I was in shock when I saw tears streaming down his face.
"I'm-I'm sorry," my voice came out a broken whisper as my eyes began stinging from the forming tears. I could barely muster the courage to go over to him and wrap my arms around his shaking figure.
"I feel like shit knowing that that was happening and I was fucking blind to it," Jay was practically sobbing into my shoulder as I tried to comfort him.
"It wasn't your fault. I-I should've said something; I was just scared. Please don't blame yourself." The two of us stood there crying, embraced in either other's arms.
"I'm so sorry, Carson." Jay cried into my shoulder.
"You didn't do anything wrong," I cried, "I could've said something, but I didn't."
"No, no, no, I should've noticed." Jay hugged me closer to his body even though I was shaking my head at his statement. He couldn't blame himself for something he didn't even know about.
"You didn't know, please don't blame yourself." I practically begged. Jay didn't say anything again, but the two of us stayed crying in each other's arms as the world stopped around us.
As we both calmed down, we pulled away from each other and just stared at each other for a moment. Without saying a word, he brought his hands up to wipe away my tears. Without letting go of my face, he brought his forehead down against mine to rub our noses together.
Neither of us said a word as we stood, forehead to forehead, eyes shut, and simply breathed each other in.
"Carson, I am so fucking sorry. I should've realized you were pulling away and the injuries, Carson," Jay muttered against my lips. I shut my eyes to combat the stinging feeling that seemed to be resurfacing.
"I don't blame you, and I don't blame my dad. Neither of you could have known, it was impossible for either of you to have," Jay opened his eyes and went to say something, but I cut him off before he could begin, "you couldn't have. It's in the past now, and you said so yourself, I'm doing better. Now great, but better. I'll get there eventually," I sighed before pulling Jay into a hug.
"You will get there."
---
"'Arson, 'Arson," One of the kids squealed while pulling on the bottom of my shirt to get my attention.
"What's up?" I said while picking up Alexis and swinging her onto my hip.
"Read!" She practically screamed into my ear while shoving The Rainbow Fish in my face with a blinding smile. I chuckled but complied, carrying her over to the rug where some other kids were playing. After setting her down, I sat on the chair in front of all of them and began reading the story.
As the story came to an end, a couple of the kids seemed to be asleep and others were still staring up at me. Looking up, Jay's mom was staring at me with a smile as some of the teachers came to put the kids down for their naps.
"You've always been good with them," Alice smiled as we walked out of the day care center. I used to go down there a lot to help out; it was always relaxing.
"How have you been doing? I know there have been a lot of changes in your life," she asked with a smile. She had always been easy to talk to; when I was 7 and wanting to sit in a tree kissing boys instead of girls or when I was 15 and crying because Jay was going on a date with someone that wasn't me.
"Fine? Better, that's for sure. This has all been kinda crazy, but thanks for asking. How are the two of you?" I could only imagine how nice it was to finally be able to step down from running the pack after it being such a large part of your life.
"That's great to hear, hun. We're doing just fine, Erik has been relaxing, which is rightfully deserves, but he can't seem to stay away from the training," she said with a light laugh, causing me to chuckle too. He was always a...harsh instructor.
The two of us walked in silence through the edges of the pack lands and took in the kids running around and teens scattered throughout the main area working on homework.
"Please tell if you'd rather not talk about it, but how has therapy and your recovery been going?" Alice lightly spoke as we came to a point that overlooked the forest.
"It's-It's okay; I've been making progress? Or at least I like to see it that way. I've been gaining some weight and being okay with it, but it's still hard. I think it'll still be awhile before I'm actually okay. And I'm working through the issues involving my mother." My voice was soft while I dug my right foot into the ground.
"That's good. I would like to apologize, however, for not noticing sooner about your mother. I am disgusted by her actions, and quite frankly, hold a similar distain for myself for not previously seeing the signs. While I knew Alayana and your father were not destined mates, I never thought she would do anything towards you." The sincerity in her voice caused me to be at a loss for words.
"It's okay. It's not anyone's fault; there was no way of telling because I didn't want anyone to know."
Alice let out a sigh, but didn't argue; Instead, she pulled me into a tight hug. As we pulled apart from each other, Alice had tears in her eyes and smile tugging at the corners of her lips.
"Well, even though you were part of our family before, now it's official. That means you can't even try to get out of dinner or game nights, understand?" Her tone was mock serious, but I knew she would be dragging me over to her house if I didn't show up.
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