Aries: You are bursting with energy! Now please calm your tits for once! You can't solve everything with violence, although I would love to see your try
Taurus: You are always seeking the best things in life. Don't bother you, you won't get them. Yes, of course, it's your fault. Also, you're fat
Gemini: You are obnoxious, tactless, and two-faced! I like you! Now go out and play some people against one another
Cancer: You care a lot about your friends. Remember that time they said that hurtful thing? Now suffer in silence and repressed thoughts of revenge
Leo: Not everyone is as interested in you as you think they are. That last joke you made was not funny. I wonder why you have friends
Virgo: You have so many wonderful things to show the world. If you say down and got shit together for once. Get your lazy ass off the couch and don't be a pussy already
Libra: You are a perfectionist but please, for the love of everything, decide already! Also, you are never sure if people really like you. They don't know either
Scorpio: You think keeping to yourself and observing will make you look mysterious. There is nothing secret going on in your head. Trust me, I read your diary
Sagittarius: Ever woken up and felt like you could take on the world? Stop that! You will hurt yourself. It's also embarrassing to watch
Capricorn: You can do anything if you try hard enough! Pity, you are already at your limit. Why are you so useless? Can't even talk to people properly
Aquarius: You are a very special and unique person! Just like everyone else. You also have a lot of ideas that nobody cares about. Please, shut up
Pisces: You live your life relying on others. You are weak! What is that? An opinion? Oh no, it's gone! Now go pretend you don't care