I checked my phone for the third time in the past ten minutes, shooting a nervous glance over to Leah to make sure I wasn't being rude. We were nearly halfway to her dorm, and most of the walk had been spent in pleasant silence. I slipped my phone back into my pocket, text messages empty as the loner's mailbox on Valentine's Day. I brought my hand back up to my neck, rubbing where my Godiva-stained hair met at a fuzzy apex. I was sure I was messing up my careful gel job, but my nerves were on edge. The lack of contact from my parents was glaringly obvious, and the longer I thought about it, the more scenarios that popped into my head.
What if a deal had gone wrong? What if they'd been hurt? What if a cop had arrested them again, and locked them up for no reason?
All of these were terrible, but the worst thought...
What if they didn't want me anymore? What if they had decided I wasn't worth getting to know?
Whether or not I wanted to admit it, the thought of not being good enough, of being as replaceable as a trash bag after it had been filled—these were the fears that sat unbound in the dark corners of my mind. They drifted into awareness when I was fighting with my brothers, or when I was experiencing a performance plateau in soccer, or even when I was just sitting in class, wondering what I was supposed to do with my life. If it was so easy for our parents to walk out of our lives once, who was to say they wouldn't do it again?
And honestly, who was I to blame them?
I shook my head, shooing the thoughts back into their crevices. It never helped to dwell on the feeling. I just had to convince myself that something else was going on, and that I wasn't the direct cause of it.
I continued forward robotically, putting one foot in front of the other. It wasn't until a hand on my arm slowed my steps that I noticed we were in front of the girls' dorms, and I couldn't go any further.
I blinked, reality hitting me like a freight train. My first date was officially over.
The question was, had it been successful?
I chanced a glance over at Leah, shoulders aching from how stiffly I had been holding them. She met my gaze easily, one corner of her lips rising slightly.
"What's the matter?" she asked gently, running the backs of her fingers along my cheek, soft as a whisper.
"What do you mean?" I responded almost inaudibly, not wanting to break the hush-hush suspense of the present moment. Her dress fluttered in the wind, flowing about her legs in a little dance.
"You're tense," she noted, lowering her hand to the back of my neck and pinching the sore nerves lightly.
Huh. She was more perceptive than I thought.
"I am?" I tried to feign ignorance, catching her fingers as they ran down my back, and bringing them to my lips for a quick peck.
"You are," she reiterated. She brought our enclosed hands to her own soft lips, and I forgot about my parents for one sweet moment.
"I'm just worried about Penny, I guess," I half-lied, stomach instantly weighted down with regret. I wanted more than anything to tell Leah about my parents, especially considering how close we were becoming. However, I couldn't risk my parents for anything. I knew how easily they could get in trouble, and I suspected that may have already been the case. It still felt horrible to lie to Leah, even with the circumstances.
She sighed, eyeing me half-condescendingly and half-pitying.
"You shouldn't feel bad—she totally deserved that. She shouldn't have been sneaking around and that's her own fault," Leah reassured me.
"I know," I sighed. "But that doesn't make it any easier. It's not like I want her to get in trouble." I bit my lip, just picturing what the next few weeks were going to be like with my sister. She hated me.
"Don't worry, babe," Leah said, stepping forward to wrap her willow arms around my waist. I returned the hug easily, sighing as I let my head fall onto her shoulder. "I'm here for you, and that's all that matters."
Maybe she was right. After all, I would be sixteen in a few months. After that, it was a short two years to college. Family was everything, of course, but I had to accept that my siblings wouldn't be the center of my existence for much longer.
"I'm so glad we met," I muttered, burying my face in her wind-swept hair. It smelled vaguely of strawberry and garlic bread—not a bad combination. "I'm sorry for ruining our first date. Penny and I are just normally so close. I feel like she's drifting further and further away every day."
It truly did feel like she was attached to me on a string, and that string was currently being pulled taut. Beginning to fray at the edges. Constantly tugging at my chest with unease. My problems with Dana were one thing; having long term problems with my sister was a reality I didn't want to fathom.
"You didn't ruin our date," Leah replied, reaching up on her tiptoes to peck me on the lips. "But you have to also realize that sometimes when people grow up, they also grow apart." With that, she spun around her heels with a wink, and sashayed into her dorm building, leaving me with only the crickets and cicadas.
I would never admit it was a good ten minutes before I was able to make my legs turn me in the direction of home.
~*~
I approached the house with caution, like it was shrouded in some community ghost story.
Didn't you hear about the three ghosts who live here? They love to torture teenagers and make their lives miserable...
The porch lights were on, illuminating my reflection in the screen door. I listened cautiously at the door for a moment, but I couldn't hear any noise inside. Penny must have already been punished, or she was really trying to be brave for whatever discipline she was facing.
I cringed, reminded that I was indeed the one responsible for putting Penny in this predicament.
No! This was not my fault. I'd only done what any respectable brother would do! She had to learn that she couldn't be sneaking around with random boys behind our backs!
I entered, met with a quiet foyer. I hung my coat next to my sister's—my sign that she had made it home safely. I ignored the small feeling of relief that gave me. I was sure she hadn't felt any relief coming home.
I stared at a family photo hanging obnoxiously right next to the door, clad in a garish gold-trimmed frame. Us men were in the back, surrounding a Penny lying on her stomach, head propped up on her elbows. Her Mary Janes glinted under the bright camera lights, and my button down was halfway untucked. Ben's hair was too long, and Dana's had too much gel. Cooper and I were mid-joke, and Penny was one step away from rolling her eyes at our antics. Ben was gazing patiently and contently at the camera, as if he were completely at ease. Dana's eyes were shifted toward Cooper and I, and I knew right after this particular shot, he had taken me aside for a warning to behave—because pictures were "extremely expensive".
The picture we made was far from incomplete, but I didn't feel any hostility toward any of its occupants. If anything, I felt a sudden desire to seek them out, to hug them and just let them know I loved them and was thinking of them. I also felt a longing to fill in the empty space behind us boys, room enough for two more people.
Two people who still hadn't texted me back.
"O?" a voice called out. Cooper strolled into the foyer, face drawn and tired. Clearly, things hadn't gone well with Penny.
"Hey," I said quietly, still gazing at the photo. A hand came to rest on my shoulder.
"How did it go?"
"Good." I couldn't keep a grin off my face. "Really good."
Cooper squeezed my shoulder knowingly, a small chuckle escaping. "Were you respectful, Owen David?" he teased.
"Of course," I smirked, turning to face him. His lounge clothes were wrinkled, and I could see his beard stubble even in the dim light of the foyer.
"I think," I began, blushing a bit. "I think I might really like her?"
"Why would you go on a date with someone you don't like, dummy?" Cooper cuffed me lightly on the back of the head.
"I just meant... I don't want to screw it up," I chuckled, but my heart wasn't in it. I was so nervous that I was going to royally screw up anything good going for me at the moment. I was just waiting for Leah to shrivel up and melt the next time I so much as laid a finger on her.
"You won't, if you treat her like you'd want someone to treat your sister."
I looked up at that. "I don't want to think about that! Nobody deserves Penny!"
Cooper laughed softly, ruffling my hair. "I'm with you, little bro, but we can't keep her tethered to the nest forever. She's gotta fly, just like you do." I glanced back at the family photo, at the small dimples that dotted her cheeks. Her dress had flowers. Daisies.
Things were certainly changing, that was for sure.