Sunday, April 5th, 2020
We drive in silence for about ten minutes. We hadn't spoken a word to each other since the phone call.
My parents had left me a note to say they had gone food shopping so Harry had been able to pick me up out front.
It was clear to me that when I first hopped into his car, Harry had known I'd been crying. Luckily for me, he didn't question it.
I wasn't sure where our destination was but it didn't even matter. I just needed to get out of my house.
I look like a mess. I hadn't had much time to prepare for Harry's arrival. I was wearing my favourite lavender coloured tracksuit set with my hair up in a messy bun, completely unbrushed. I'd barely had time to put on deodorant and brush my teeth, let alone put on an ounce of makeup.
We pull in suddenly to a cemetery and my heart sinks. This was not what I had been expecting. What were we doing here?
Harry doesn't look at me as he reaches into the back seat. I hadn't even noticed the bunch of flowers sitting there until now.
"I, um...I just have to do something," he whispers to me. He pulls on the brim of his cap whilst I nod, understanding that he needed this time alone.
He hops out of the car and I watch his long strides as he passes rows of graves. I expect to completely lose sight of him but he stops, just as he's about to become a blip in the distance.
I hug myself, suddenly feeling guilty. I hadn't even realised that Harry had lost someone. But I guess this was what Kennedy had meant on my first day when she said Harry had a lot going on.
I watch him as he crouches down, gently placing the flowers close to the grave. His palm lands softly on the headstone. I try to read the person's name but it's too far to see.
I think I notice his shoulders begin to shake and a knot forms in my throat. I look away, knowing that he deserved to have some privacy.
I squeeze my eyes shut, leaning back against the headrest.
Here he was, grieving for someone whilst I turned him away last night. It might have been for the greater good, but that didn't mean I didn't feel like shit for it.
The car door suddenly opens and I jump. I hadn't even realised he was walking back.
He climbs into the driver's seat and shuts the door quickly behind him. It was cold today, so he was wearing a navy coat. I've decided that it's my favourite colour on him.
I expect him to turn on the engine but he doesn't. He sits there, turning the keys over and over in his hands.
"I guess you're wanting answers," he whispers.
I shake my head. "No, Harry, I—"
"It's alright. I've been wanting to tell you for awhile."
"Only if you're sure," I whisper, fiddling with my hands.
I'd always felt like I could be myself around Harry. He never seemed to care that I had issues, that I closed up easily, that I didn't speak about my past. But now, everything was different. We were different. We had kissed.
"Its just...you were new to town, you know? You didn't look at me with pity in your eyes because you didn't know my past. I liked that. I liked that you didn't know me at all. Everyone else, all my friends, they just— I mean I love them and everything, but they worry too much. It was easier to just pretend everything was fine with you."
I knew how he felt. That was what starting fresh felt like. At first, it was great that no one knew who I was but it started to feel like I was living a lie.
"Last year," he clears his throat, "I lost my cousin, Liam."
Harry pulls on the brim of his cap again and I realise it's one of the ones Liam had given him for Christmas. One of the ones I had sitting on my dresser.
"It was a shock to everyone. He wasn't sick, he wasn't reckless, he wasn't..."
He stops and I can tell that it's taking everything he has not to break down.
"God, he was like a brother to me. I never had any siblings but Liam made me feel like I did. I saw him nearly every weekend. He'd come and watch all my footy games, even though he hated the sport," he smiles, bringing a fist to his mouth.
"It just fucking hurts, you know?" he says, tears pooling in the corner of his eyes. "Whenever someone knocks on our front door, I always expect it to be him. Because even though he had a key, he still knocked. He was the best fucking person in my life and then he was just—"
He grips the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles turning white.
"He was just gone."
I sniff, wiping away my tears. I reach out, placing a hand on his shoulder. I can feel his shallow breathing as he tries desperately to hold himself together.
"I never got to say goodbye. He was just there one day and gone the next."
I knew what that felt like. I'd lost my brother twice. Once, when he became something else, something darker. And again, when he decided to hurt so many people.
By the time he died, it didn't feel like I had lost him at all. I lost him way before his death. I just hadn't known it at the time.
"I've never felt this much pain in my life, Lonnie. It's like my heart is being literally ripped out of my chest over and over every fucking day. The worst part is that it feels like it will never end. I wake up every day and it always feels the same."
I had no idea that sweet, smiling, kind Harry felt like this. I guess it just showed how easy it was for people to hide behind a mask.
"It would have been his nineteenth birthday today," he shakes his head. "My aunt, Liam's mum, said she couldn't do it, so she asked me to put the flowers on his grave."
He turns to face me and I wipe away the tears from his eyes.
"Harry, I'm really sorry about everything that happened last night. I shouldn't have—"
"No," he whispers, smiling sadly. "It's alright. I shouldn't have assumed that—"
"But—"
"Let's just forget about it, okay?" he croaks.
Despite my heart aching at the idea of forgetting about it, I nod. He was in a lot of pain today and I just needed to be there for him.
"Can I give you a hug?" I ask, tentatively.
"Yes, please," he whispers.
I turn my body, leaning over the console. He wraps his arms around me tightly, his face buried into my shoulder.
I close my eyes, knowing that I wanted to be open with him more than ever but that I couldn't. Not entirely, anyway.
"I lost someone recently too," I admit. "That's why I'm such a mess."
"You're not a mess," he disagrees. "You're just learning to cope."
"Yeah, well, I wish I had a teacher for that. I suck at learning to cope."
Harry pulls back. This time, he's the one to wipe away my tears.
"Tomorrow my family is having this fundraiser for Liam. I think you should come."
I gulp, looking away. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face other people who had gone through grief. It was almost too much to bear.
"I don't—"
"I know it's late notice but everyone is going. Ken, Syd, Ash, Coop. A few others from school, too. It would really mean a lot to me, Lon."
How could I say no at a time like this?
"Of course," I nod. "I'll be there."
"Thank you. It means a lot."
After that, Harry offers to drive me home but I decline. Instead, we just spend the rest of the afternoon driving around, united in our grief.