>
> A few days later I'm sitting on the bed in my room. Niall is in his room sleeping. I know hes sleeping because hes not awake and playing his guitar. We haven't talked much. I want to I just don't know how. So its been weird and awkward and I hate it. I guess its my fault not doing much. But all I still really do is lay in bed. Niall doesn't come to feed me so once a day I make a move to go downstairs and get some food. I don't blame him for not coming anymore. I wouldn't come for me either. Everyone will say hi to me and then I'll eat and go back upstairs.
>
> Its an odd feeling knowing that the person you love is falling out of love with you. How do I know this?maybe because he doesn't make an effort anymore. I'm not much either. But thats only because I don't want to bug him I don't want to make his life harder. Its already hard enough. I just don't want to add to his pain. I feel so needy and helpless. And maybe I am. But I can't ask Niall to always be the one to catch me.
>
> I'm feeling more and more like I'm slipping away from everyone. But with Niall, I don't know what to do. I could talk to him. I should talk to him. It would help. I sit up and move to the door. I open mine and turn so I'm standing in front of Niall's. I put my hand on the handle and stop. What if he doesn't want me to talk to him?Will he hate me? I've got to be causing him pain. Just as I'm about to turn and walk away the door opens. Niall is standing there and looking at me. I state up at him and fight back tears.
>
> "I'm sorry." He says. "Me too." I don't want to let go of him. Hes so sweet and perfect. But then again maybe I should let him go and be with someone who deserves him. But thinking of him with someone else hurts so bad.
>
> "So.." He says.
>
> "Niall," I start but don't know where to go. He looks at me like I've gone stupid. Maybe I have.
>
> "Carson, I think things are falling apart." He says his eyes looking at something behind me.
>
> "I know."I say to him.
>
> "We aren't working." His words shock me.
>
> "What?" My voice is weak.
>
> "Well we aren't. We don't talk and when we did, we fought."He says and I instantly go defensive.
>
> "Niall! We weren't fighting. You got angry and I don't know why!" I start trying to explain.
>
> "You should, I stayed by your side for almost 5 weeks and then you wake up and come home to sleep more.I can understand your upset, your hurt and heartbroken. So am I! I'm hurting too!"
>
> "I never said you weren't! I never say that! You got mad and all defensive and then left me in the cold! Now your saying we were fighting. I don't see how." I tell him
>
> "Now you going to try and fight about if we were fighting? Carson! How can you not see how crazy this is! We made a promise to always talk! And now your hiding away from your problems! I tried to give you time and I have been. I've been thinking that you'll come around and me too and maybe we can be like we were. But I just don't see that happening." He confesses shaking his head.
>
> Tears are threat ing but I hold them. Back I need to stop being a baby. "Honestly Niall, I don't know what to say. I have so much going on in my head. And I'm tired. I'm tired Niall! Sooo...I think I'm going to my parents for awhile. I need to think and just see them. " I tell him.
>
> "Or get away from me?" He asks. I sigh.
>
> "No! I didn't say that. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm a horrible girlfriend. I'm sorry I'm causing you all this pain." I backed away and slam my door before he can say anything.
>
> "Hey are you okay?" I hear someone ask. I rub my eye and turn around I see Charlie standing a few feet away.
>
> "Yeah I'm okay. I'm...well I'm going home."I tell her, her eyes widen.
>
> "What?Did you guys break up?" She asks scared. I shake my head no. She instantly looks relieved.
>
> "Then why are you going?"
>
> "To clear my head. I need time to think.I need to get away." I tell her as tears fall. She comes to me and hugs me. I grab her arm and pull her into her room across the hall.
>
> "Okay, I'm so confused on what I want."I tell her.
>
> "How so?" She gives me a look.
>
> "I feel like I'm never going to be happy, like I'm never going to be good enough for him again. I keep on disappointing him. I can tell I'm causing him pain. " I tell her sitting on her bed. She sits next to me.
>
> "So what does that mean? Are you going to break up with him?"She asks. A few weeks ago before the accident I would have shouted no from the roof tops. Now....
>
> "You hesitated!" She gasped. I knew she would freak out. i knew it. I'm freaking out. But its for him. It will be better for him. I know it. I can't hurt him anymore.
>
> "Charlie! Please don't say anything. I need to think things through, I will think things over and I will come back and let him know what I think." I cross my hands. In a way my chest hurts at the thought of leaving him. I could never. No, I can't. I promised forever and I mean it now. Does he still want me forever? I can't leave him, I need him. But I'm hurting him. Everyday I am the way I am I'm hurting him.God, I'm so bipolar. I need help.
>
> "Oh." Was all she said. I could tell she was just judging me. I would be too.
>
> "No, wait..I can't leave him." I feel this panicky feeling and my chest starts to hurt. I need him. I can't leave him. But I don't think he needs me anymore.
>
> "Oookay?" She gives me a look.
>
> "I don't know! You don't understand. " I lay back on the bed starring at the ceiling. What am I suppose to do? I love him but I don't think he loves me anymore. Plus I'm just hurting him so much. I'm so horrible. How can I stand myself knowing I'm hurting the one thats suppose to mean so much to me? What kind of human can watch that. Of course I'm not watching am I? I'm hiding from my problems. By sleeping. Just pretending that they don't exist. Like they aren't real. But they are. There very real.
>
> "Look, I love you guys together. But you need to do what you need." Charlie patted my arm. Great lots of help.
>
> "Its not what I need, its what he needs. I love him. " I tell her. I really do love him. But I don't want to hurt him anymore. It may be easier if I leave him. He'd be happier, he wouldn't have me to worry about. Wouldn't have to be sad because I am.
>
> "I know." She says. I stand and go to call my mom.
>
> -
>
> "I can't believe your leaving us." Louis whines. I look at him as I pack my things.
>
> "I know, but I think its best for right now." I put my shirt in the suit case.
>
> "You know I think you guys will work everything out. Your both just stressed." He says. If only it were that. Niall doesn't need me or want me anymore. I just have to do whats best for him. I want the best for him. Maybe sometime away will help me decide if I can let him go. I have a part of me thats saying do it for him but the part of me that loves him to much can't let go of him.
>
> "Hey, Lou. Can I talk to Carson for a minute?" Niall asks. I look at Niall standing in the door by Lou. Louis pushes himself from the door frame and turns. "Yeah." He leaves.
>
> Now its just Niall and I. A few weeks ago I would have loved that, now my heart was beating to fast. This isn't right.
>
> "Can I ask you a question?" Niall asks coming into the room further as I keep packing.
>
> "Yeah." I tell him moving around the room.
>
> "Why do you think you have to go?" He asks. A simple question, just one I don't want to answer for him.
>
> "Because..its whats right." I say to him.
>
> "So running away is whats right in this situation?" He sits on the bed.
>
> "Its..its more than running away. I'm not running away. You ran away, that night we were outside." I tell him and the second it comes out I know its wrong. I know I shouldn't have.
>
> "I left because you weren't going to talk. You were just sitting there telling me you didn't know how to talk. Well I'm not about to beg for you to talk to me."
>
> "Niall!" I start to yell, then I stop. No, I'm not fighting with him anymore. I'm not going to hurt him this way anymore.
>
> "What?" He says.
>
> "I...I can't do this anymore." I say slowly.
>
> "What are you talking about?" He stand up from the bed.
>
> "I just think...we should take a break."I tell him.
>
> "What?! Why?!" He yells and it shocks me.
>
> "I..I just think we should."I back away from him. He has tears now. "I just think its best." I can feel my tears now. "Please, Niall." The tears in his eyes prove everything to me. I'm hurting him. By doing this I won't hurt him anymore. I can't hurt him anymore.
>
> "Please,what? Why are you doing this?" He asks tears flowing freely down his face. Please just let this stop. Please let me stop hurting him.
>
> "I..I have too." I step toward him and slowly pull the ring off my finger. I hold it out to him.
>
> "No, I won't take it. I don't want you to do this." He grabs my shoulders shaking me some. "Please don't do this.
>
> "Niall, I have too. Its whats best, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I tell him. I can't tell him why I really am. He wouldn't understand. I almost don't. Its hurting me so bad. Each word I speak hurts me. I didn't want this. I didn't. I love him. I love him so much it hurts. I just can't hurt him anymore. I have to do this. I have to be strong, just until I can get out of here.
>
> "No, You don't have too. You don't. Just stay. Please." He begs. I shake my head crying. I don't want to do this. I just keep saying be strong in my head. Its for him. It's better for him.He can find someone who will love him and who is better for him. Someone who isn't whiney and a baby. Someone who he can love right. Someone who is good for him.
>
> "I have too." I say and pull away from him. I put the ring on the table by the bed.
>
> "Please, please stay." He says just standing there starring at me making me feel even worse. I have to do this though. I have to be strong. "I can't live with out you."
>
> His words cut me like knifes. It may be hard for him now but he'll thank me when he finds someone he loves more than me. "Niall, I'm sorry. I really am. This has to happen. "
>
> "Why?! Why does it? you won't tell me why!" He yells. I can hear something going on downstairs.
>
> "Because, I can't." I turn toward the door. "I can't hurt you anymore." I say. I can't believe I just did this. I can't believe it. I open the door and step out and I run down the stairs and run right into Liam.
>
> "Hey, hey whats going on?" He asks. I'm crying and I try and shake him but he holds on to me.
>
> "Liam! Let go!" I shout at him through tears that never seem to stop these days.
>
> "No, tell me whats going on." He demands.
>
> "I..I broke up with him." His hands fall and I head toward the door grabbing Charlie's hand before I go. I pull her outside with me.
>
> "Whats going on?!" She asks.
>
> "I left Niall." I tell her crying.
>
> "You left him?!?" She shouts. "Why?!"
>
> "I can't do it. I can't keep hurting him." I hug her. She hugs me back.
>
> "Your not. He loves you. Why would you think that?" She asks rubbing my back.
>
> "Because I can tell."I cry.
>
> "You don't know that." She tries to tell me.
>
> "Charlie! I can see it in his eyes every time we talk! I can just tell. I don't want to hurt him! I can't. Hes always so hurt! I keep doing this! I can't just magically get better overnight. He needs someone who will be good for him." I stop talking to breathe.
>
> "Will you please get all of my stuff for me? I'm going to stay in a hotel for tonight and would you bring it to me and I'll ship the rest of it to my house." I tell her.
>
> "What house?! Were are you going to live?" She asks I can tell shes not happy. I'm not happy with me either. I have been making no sense lately. I don't understand what I just did. I just agreed to a life without Niall. A lonely life with no one to hold me when I'm scared. I didn't want to do this!
>
> "I'm going home. I can't stay here." I cry trying to stop.
>
> "Carson..."Charlie starts.
>
> "Please don't start! Just do this for me." I beg her.
>
> "I.....I..okay, I still think you should talk to him." She says. I try and ignore her. I can't do that. I promise to him silently I won't hurt or bother him anymore. "You shouldn't do anything to rash."
>
> "I'm going to drive myself to the hotel will you drive the car back here so Niall and have it back?" I ask her. She nods looking away toward the house.
>
> "Tell him I'm so so so sorry. And please don't tell anyone why I'm leaving." I move the tears and head toward my car.
>
> -
>
> "Room for 1?" A man asks me. I nod. He hands me a key and I turn to leave. I still can't believe this has happened. If I had had the chance to go home I would have probably went home and let my mother talk me into staying with him.
>
> I walk slowly to the room the key tells me to go to. 234. I stop in front and unlock it. I open the door and look around. This cannot be happening.
>
> -
>
> Charlies POV:
>
> "Where did she go?" Louis asked.
>
> "A hotel." I tell him. I can't believe she did this. And because she thinks that shes hurting him. Shes hurting him more by doing this. I don't understand her right now.
>
> "Why did she do it?" Liam asks me snaking his hands around my waist.
>
> "I can't say." I look down.
>
> "Why not?" Liam asks.
>
> "I promised I wouldn't. I can't say."i try to ignore everyone looking at me funny. "So whats Niall doing?" I try changing the subject.
>
> "In his room starring at the wall with a ring in his hand and tears rolling down his face." Zayn says coming down the stairs.
>
> "Don't like her change the subject." Louis said. I looked at all of them.
>
> "Whats going on?" Zayn asked.
>
> "Charlie is just about to tell us why Carson left Niall." Harry gives me an odd look.
>
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Hey guys sorry for no update yesterday had rehearsal! It was really fun too! I can't wait for tonights:D I also have like a concert thing after school soo I'll be doing that...hmmm
>
> Idk what else im on fall break after today and i have a Halloween party to go to friday so idk about an update....hmmm idk
>
> Oh so Im only going to have maybe one or two more chapters on this book. I'm going to write another one and I won't start on it posting it until November...somewhere between the 5 and the 10th. So be watching for that. Let me know what you guys are thinking.
>
> Xx-alyssa
>
>