Days have been so slow lately. They all seem so boring and dull and long. Although, I'm graduating soon. So that's exciting! It's something to look forward to. I would usually be hanging with Josh, but I'm not myself lately. So I don't want him to suspect anything. He doesn't need to burdened with by problems, that can I can deal with by myself. If he found out what I've been keeping from him, he'll either flip shit, or try to make me get better. We all know I can't get better. I mean, I've been doing it for 2 years or so, so why not a few more, right?
My phone buzzes, scaring me half to death. I look at the way too bright screen.
Joshers: I miss your face.
I laugh.
Me: I miss your Converse.
Joshers: Can I come over Jess darling?
Me: *sigh* I suppose. (;
I really wish I didn't say he could come over. I've been really sad and depressed for the past few days. But I'm good at faking smiles, so that will help. I get up and get dressed. I grab a pair of black leggings, an ivory colored tank top with Ying and Yang and a dream catcher designed in the front, then I put a black cardigan overtop. I put on black socks and a black beanie. I sigh while looking at myself in the mirror. I am shit.
I shake my head and head downstairs. There's a knock at the door. I walk over and open the door, only to see Josh's smiling face. He picks me up and kisses me.
"Hey there darling." He says between kisses. I smile.
"Hello." I say. He tilts his head slightly.
"You okay Jess?" He asks in a concerned tone. In my mind, I tell him everything that's happening. But do I do that in real life?
Nope.
"Yeah I'm fine. Just tired of school." He smiles.
"Well you're graduating soon!" I smile.
"FINALLY. Jesus Christ I'm sick of school."
"Well once you've graduated, we can hang out more often!" He says all happy.
"Yes we can. I've missed our days where we just chill and tall about everything." I reply. He smiles his signature smile that can make you melt into the floor.
"I have too. Now! How 'bout we chill and talk right now?" I nod, as we both sit down on the couch. I cuddle into his chest. I could honestly stay like this forever.
I don't want this moment to ever end.
Josh's POV
She cuddles into my chest and slowly drifts off to sleep. I smile to myself. She's so beautiful. She's gotten me through so much shit. I'm thankful she's in my life. I begin to rub her forearm slowly. I feel something. Just barely. I raise an eyebrow.
No. Not Jessa. She's happy. Right? She wouldn't have. I take a deep breath.
Okay. Calm down Josh. Its probably just some bracelets. Should I?
Well I'll never know if I don't. I begin to move her sleeve up slowly. She begins to stir. I put my hand back at my side and act like nothing happened. I look down at her. She smiles.
"I'm so tired and I don't even know why." She's says a bit frustrated.
"Yeah that happens to me too. Has your insomnia been bad lately?" I ask. She shakes her head.
"Not really. It hasn't been any different from usual."
"Hmm. Any stress from school?" I hope I'm not being too obvious.
"Nah not really. I'm just annoyed by everyone there." She says while laughing. I slightly laugh and rub the back of my neck.
"Well. I'm stumped." I admit.
"I guess we'll never know." It's now or never.
"Are you happy?" I blurt out. She sits up and looks me dead in the eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is, is everything okay with you Jess? Is there anything going on that I should be worried about or anything like that?" Her eyes shift nervously.
"Well uh... Kinda... I mean uhm... Uh..."
"You can talk to me if you need to." She nods.
"I know I know."
"Please tell me what's going on Jessa. You're not yourself. You don't have the same look in your eyes anymore. I barely see you smile. You don't talk about the stuff that you love. You don't talk to me as much as you used to. I know something has to be wrong." I see tears well up in her eyes. "Please talk to me."
"Josh I-I don't know how to word what I want to tell you."
"It's okay. Just please tell me what's happening." She swallows hard.
"Well uh, I changed a lot in Toronto. I don't see myself as the same person. I hate everything about myself. I don't like taking pictures because I end up looking gross. I uh... Have been self harming for about 2 years now... I don't like to eat. I always feel so fat and gross. I'm never actually happy. And if I'm happy, it lasts for a few days thats it really. I try so hard to get all of the bad thoughts out of my head, but they never seem to disappear. I can't go a day without crying. I'm just... Different. And I don't know what to do anymore." I just stare at her in disbelief.
"Jessa. I'm so so sorry. If I had known-"
"No. It's not your fault."
"I just wish I could make all those thoughts go away." I say, holding her in my arms. She begins to softly cry into my shoulder.
"I do too." I hear her whisper. She looks up at me. My eyes shift to her forearm. She takes a deep breath and rolls it up. My heart stops.
"There's so many..." I whisper. I feel the tears trying to escape.
"It's been about a month... Since I... You know..."
"I'm so proud of you Jessa. I know how hard it is. You think that nothing will get better. But it does get better. Things will get better, you might just have to wait a while. Jessa. You are absolutely perfect and beautiful and wonderful. You know how to make me feel better. You don't realize that I need you more than you need me. I could do worse, and you could do better. " I say. I look back down at her forearm. I begin to kiss her scars. I hear her sobs. Tears fall from my eyes, onto her porcelain skin. "I love you so much darling. Please know that, without you, I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be myself. You're the best, most beautiful girl I know. You are so special and unique in so many ways."
"I love you so much more Josh. Thank you. For everything." I smile.
"You know I'd do anything for you my darling."
"I'm sorry for keeping this from you. I just... I just didn't know how to tell you."
"It's fine. I'm just glad you told me." I see a tear fall from her eye. I rub it away with my thumb. "I am, and always will be, here for you. You can talk to me whenever, about whatever." She smiles.
"Thank you so much. I love you."
"I love you too." I say, before kissing her passionately.
Jessa's POV
He knows.
He knows every secret I've ever kept from anyone.
He understands the pain, because he's gone though it too. Seeing him as happy as he is, is giving me so much hope.
I just hope Kira doesn't ruin everything. She'll go to any extent to get what she wants.
But we're happy. Josh wouldn't do anything stupid. Everything's perfect and no one or anything can ruin that.
Right?
********
I've been thinking about how this book will end, and I have a good idea of what's going to happen. This book isn't over though. I'm just planning for the future. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Kinda sad:(
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