The sun shone through the window the next morning, forcing Xenia's eyes open. She lay in bed naked next to Justin, who was already awake and peering over at her, his dark gaze gorgeous as ever, his hair rumpled and jaw covered in stubble. It was the kind of vision that made a woman wonder if she was dreaming.
Which made her think back to ... something else that had seemed so surreal it had to have been a dream. Last night. "That didn't really happen, did it?"
Justin's eyes widened with worry. "Oh God. Please don't tell me you're going to freak out and go all regretful on me."
She drew in her breath and stared up at the ceiling fan whirring above them. It had really happened. She'd fucked two men's brains out last night.
Wow.
But before she proceeded to freaking out, she made herself stop and think through the situation. It had happened, and there was no taking it back now. And she'd let it happen, had
wanted it to happen. And it had been the most delicious experience of her life, no denying it. She didn't think she'd ever felt more powerful, more feminine, more desired, more like a woman of her own than she had last night.
She pulled her gaze back down to the handsome man at her side. "A week ago, I couldn't have handled that, no way. But somehow, now, because of you, I can. And I doubt its anything I'l ever do again, but I'm glad I did it, I'm glad you pushed me to. You made me feel things I never would have without you."
A slow smile unfurled across his face. "I'm so glad, baby," he said, pulling her into his arms. "Because I want you to feel everything. I want you to be a woman who isn't afraid to seek her pleasure."
Despite herself, a slightly sheepish giggle leaked free. "Believe it or not, before we met, I
did have sex, you know. I'm not totally as backward and old-fashioned as I probably seemed to you when we met."
"A lot?" he asked, looking curious.
"Well. . . with guys I was in relationships with, yeah, sure." "But was it . . . like it is with me?"
She looked into his eyes, trying to read the real question there, trying to interpret his heart. But she didn't want to make the mistake of seeing more than actually existed. "If you mean were there vibrators and third parties and shaving involved you already know the answer to that."
"That's not what I mean. What I'm asking is was it as . . . intense as it is between us?" Intense. That was putting it mildly. She shook her head. Then looked up at him, half teasing, half not. "You may have ruined me for all other men."
There was no mistaking his arrogant expression. "That wasn't my goal, but ..."
"But?"
He grinned hotly. "But I like thinking I've given you experiences no other guy ever has."
A short, wild laugh escaped her. "Congratulations, you have about a hundred times over. Which reminds me, you don't have any other surprises up your sleeve for me, do you? Other kinky activities, lingerie, toys?"
Still smiling, he shook his head. "Afraid not. Unless you want me to come up with some."
"No shoes?" She raised her eyebrows. "Not that I want them, but you once insisted on my shoe size, so I expected you to haul them out at some point."
He gave his head a matter of fact tilt. "You said you'd throw them out into the snow. I didn't want to waste a perfectly good pair of shoes."
She cast a smirking grin in reply just as his cel phone buzzed across the room on the desk next to his laptop, where she guessed he'd left it yesterday when he'd been catching up on work. She watched as he flipped back the covers and padded across the room to answer, so beautifuly naked that her mouth began to water.
"Justin Bieber," he said upon flipping the phone open.
She could tell it was a business call, not only from the discussion but from the very tone he took commanding and strong and authoritative and she understood exactly how he succeeded in toppling corporations. "That's not acceptable," he was saying, "and you're going to make it right. Today. Within the hour, in fact."
She bit her lip, realizing that watching him give someone hell on the phone while he was peering out the window stark naked was perhaps, oddly, one of the sexiest things she'd ever beheld. She was also forced to realize that what she'd shared with him last night had been no less than profound.
She'd been trying to convince herself all along that this was just sex, just fun, just physical pleasure. But the worlds he'd opened to her now, the generosity he'd shown her, the way he'd encouraged her and excited her and made her feel safe no matter what.. . She sighed, knowing beyond a doubt that she was changed forever because of him. A sobering realization.
"Get back to me," he said, "and meanwhile, I'l call Phillips and First National." He flipped the phone shut and turned to face her, his voice returning to "normal Justin."
"I can't believe this, but it looks like I'm the one who has to work today. Some complications with a pending merger, and I need to make some calls."
Xenia drew in her breath. "It's just as well. I need to write, too." She didn't mention that after what they'd shared last night, he probably could have finaly talked her into spending the day with him, in bed or out.
She didn't mention it because this was a sign a sign that she simply couldn't let herself get any more attached to him than she already was.
She knew leaving would be difficult now, no two ways about it, but she couldn't wal ow in that—she had to be a big girl. And workingn as usual would be a good distraction from al the emotions swirling inside her.
"I have time for a quick breakfast, though, if you do," he offered.
She couldn't help smiling. Distraction could start in a little while. For now, she was going to relish the opportunity to cling to him for just a little longer after last nights intimacies. She sat up and tossed the covers aside. "I think I could squeeze it in. Want to make it together?"
He flashed a devilish grin. "Baby, I always
like making it with you."
Over an easy breakfast of scrambled eggs and English muffins, Xenia felt his gaze.
"You look deep in thought."
She switched her glance from the snowscape out the window to the man across from her, caught. "Guess I'm stil just stunned by what I did last night."
He lowered his chin, his expression chiding her.
"Don't worry still no regrets. I'm just thinking how very un me it was. For you, I guess it's no big deal, but for me, it's ... big."
She couldn't help being surprised when Justin set down his fork and stood up, walking around behind her chair to bend down and slide his arms around her. He spoke softly in her ear. "What you did what we did is okay, honey. It didn't hurt anybody, it felt good, and hell, it might have even helped somebody."
Xenia looked up at him, surprised.
"Last night might have gotten Tommy out of his funk over Marianne. He hadn't had sex with anyone since then."
"Oh," she heard herself murmur.
Wow, was it possible their ménage a trois had really held some humanitarian value? She was letting sarcasm taint her musings, but it
was nice to think maybe it had helped Tommy overcome his heartbreak a little.
A few minutes later, they cleared the dishes together, then parted ways with a kiss, and Xenia padded to the computer as she watched her lover disappear up the stairs to his own work.
As she pulled up her book's file, she found herself realizing that Justin's mere hug had assuaged her lingering concerns over her actions, somehow made it al better. But where would she be when his hugs were nowhere to be found?
The truth was if she and Justin had had a future, she wasn't so sure she'd have any concerns over last night at all. Heel made their threesome see more than okay he'd made it seem truly right So if anything was real y bothering her, it was likely the fact That she'd had the most intimate, outrageous sex of her life with two guys she would soon never see again.
Be a big girl, she reminded herself. People have affairs all the time and don't self-destruct over it. People probably had ménages a trois all the time as parts of their affairs without falling apart. She didn't personaly know any of the latter, but she was sure they existed. She'd allowed herself into this world of sexual decadence now she had to come out the other side unscathed.
But she feared last night had bonded her with Justin in an almost frightening way. She'd had to trust him so much to let herself go to such
extremes. She'd had to open herself so deeply, uncovering parts of herself she'd never even seen, let alone shared with anyone else. And when she took the time to remember and realize al she'd shared with him, she couldn't deny the ugly truth: leaving him behind was going to hurt even more than she'd ever imagined.
* * *
That night, they made love in Justin's bed, looking toward the mirrored closet doors. Neither of them called it making love, but to Xenia, that's how it felt. In the tender moments, definitely but even in the rougher ones, too.
He lay behind her, thrusting deeply into her, each stroke delivering a barrage of pleasure. As they peered into the reflecting glass, he said, "Keep watching us, baby." She obeyed.
She saw their bodies undulating together, witnessed his face wrenching in sweet, hot agony, and saw her own, as wel . When he lifted one of her legs with his hand, parting her thighs, she saw his cock sliding smoothly into her. "Watch me fuck you. Watch how easily you take me inside."
She was shocked at how beautiful she thought herself that way, surprised at how differently Braden had made her view sex. It occurred to her that maybe despite having had sex with other guys, even guys she'd sincerely cared for she'd never really, truly been intimate with anyone before Justin.
She'd loved most of all watching Justin's face when he came she'd never been so aware of taking a man to another plane, even if for just a few short moments.
Afterward, they lay talking, letting the ceiling fan cool their bodies after sex that had grown sweaty.
"So," he said, "day after tomorrow?"
She sighed. She'd told him over breakfast that was when her retreat would end, when she was flying home. When she'd arrived here, she'd had no idea her writer's retreat would turn into a sexual retreat, as well. Nodding against her pil ow, she answered. "Yeah."
He stayed silent for a moment, then softly met her gaze. "I'm gonna miss you, snowflake."
Temptation filtered through her, the temptation to say what she was thinking.
Maybe I could just stay here with you forever.
But then she remembered that he didn't even live there his real life, real world, was in L.A. And her real world was in Seattle. So instead, she said, "I'm going to miss you, too. This has been a . .. pretty amazing time for me."
"Not just for you, snowflake," he said quietly, and her heart soared.
She smiled over at him, reached out and found his hand. God, she was going to miss just being close to him, just being able to look into his dark eyes or touch him whenever she felt the urge.
He rose on one elbow next to her. "Let me steal you away for awhile tomorrow just half a day. For some skiing and lunch. Then you can write all afternoon. Besides, I hear all work and no play makes Xenia a dul girl." He grinned. "What do you say?"
"I say if I was ever a dul girl, it was before I got
here. But that aside, sounds like an offer I can't refuse."
"Good. Otherwise, I'd have to strap you into some concrete snow shoes and make you sleep with the fishes." His brows narrowed slightly, as if thinking it through. "After the spring thaw, that is," he added with a soft, sexy laugh.
Ah, how she wished they would both stil be here after the spring thaw. But she had two more nights in his arms, and a day of fun with him tomorrow, so she reminded herself again to be a big girl, act like a grownup, and enjoy these last couple of days with him for al they were worth.
"You're doing great, snowflake."
The ski lift gradualy took them skyward up the mountain, and Xenia smiled over at Justin, replying with a kiss. She thought she'd never shared a more romantic moment with a guy with pristine snow falling all around them, the solitude of a lift ride made her feel much more as if they were alone than at a busy ski resort.
They'd started out early, Justin helping her put together a suitable winter ensemble from his large foyer closet, promising when she asked that the ladies' skiwear belonged to his mom and other family members who'd left it behind for return visits. His mother's skis had been stored there, as wel , and he'd assured Xenia it was okay to borrow them. "Especialy since I bought 'em for her," he'd added with a wink. Upon taking to the Vail slopes, they'd stayed on only the easier blue and green runs, and so far, she hadn't yet fallen.
"I'm glad I came skiing at least once before heading home," she said. "Despite wanting to get my book done, this is nice."
He cast a soft grin. "Are you looking forward to that? Heading home?"
She answered honestly. "In some ways yes, in others no. It'l be good to see Monica, and my mom. But I'm going to miss
you . . . us."
He leaned in for another soft kiss, his tongue pressing lightly between her parted lips, and even now, a mere kiss from the man made her pussy tingle.
"But all good things must come to an end, right?" he said. He seemed lighter about her departure than he had last night in bed and she supposed that sealed her fate, if there was ever any doubt.
She'd found herself thinking about Justin's mom given that she wore the woman's parka and was using her skis. When Tommy had casualy brought up Justin's family over dinner the other night, Justin had quickly changed the subject, so she and Justin had never discussed them. "Do you see your family a lot? Do they live in L.A.?"
He shrugged, looking ahead of them at the snow covered pines dotting the rocky outcrop the lift currently traversed. "I see my mom every couple of weeks, but my dad ... eh, not often."
"Why not?" she asked, but his expression had grown a bit distant, that quickly, so she added, "I mean, if you don't mind telling me."
"They divorced when I was eleven and I never really forgave my dad. He was a drinker, and a cheater. They think I don't know that, but I do."
Xenia's heart contracted to suddenly envision her strong, commanding Justin as a little boy, having his heart broken by his father s hurtfulness. She let out a sigh, not sure what to say. "Wow. I'm sorry. My dad died when I was a teenager a heart attack but I'm blessed that my parents had a happy marriage."
Justin's gaze shifted briefly back to hers, but he stil spoke matter of factly. "I didn't know many people with happy marriages growing up. Still don't, I guess. There have been a lot of divorces in my family."
"Monica's mom and dad are together and seem happy."
He leaned his head back, offering a wry grin. "The white sheep of the family." But at least his humor seemed restored now.
"So I guess that's why you're a twenty-two with a bachelor," she said, gently teasing but also serious.
"Probably so. And why I'l be forty five year old bachelor, and eventually a fifty-five year old bachelor . . ." His voice trailed off into soft laughter, which she joined in, but part of her felt sad. She knew some people never married or found a lifemate and stil lived satisfying lives, and if anyone was capable of that, she suspected it was Justin. Yet it still sounded lonely to her, especial y when she thought of growing old.
"You must like being single a lot if you plan to stay that way forever," she offered cautiously.
But he only shrugged in his easy going, man of the world way. "It's what I'm used to, and it has a lot of perks. I don't have to be responsible to anyone else. I don't have to worry about the complexities of marriage and family. And I can sleep with whoever I want, whenever I want." Seeming completely back to his normal self, he gave his head a rakish tilt as he peered into her eyes. "Think about it, snowflake if I were the marrying kind, I'd already be married, and you and I never would have happened."
A sobering thought that tightened Xenia's stomach.
"You wouldn't know what it's like to be fucked in the window where anyone can see you," he went on, the timbre of his voice dropping to a sultry, seductive level. "You wouldn't know what it's like to be with two men at once. Hell , you stil wouldn't even have played with a vibrator." She let out her breath, a bit stunned. "God, you're right." It seemed unthinkable now, like the experiences of the past week had already woven themselves so deeply into her existence that it felt as if they'd been part of the fabric of her life for much longer.
And she realized again that it had begun to seem normal, al the wild things they'd done but only with Justin. She couldn't imagine it feeling normal, or right, with anyone else.
As the unloading ramp came into sight and she lifted the tips of her skis, ready to whoosh
down, it struck her that she must have had al these darker desires floating around somewhere inside her al along and had simply never known it until Justin had helped her find them.
Standing to ski away from the lift, she couldn't help regretting that the ride was over. By the time Xenia sat down to write late that afternoon, she found herself feeling a bit melancholy, yet also insightful and for the first time, she allowed herself the freedom to be utterly pleased, maybe even thrilled, that Justin had opened up her deeper, darker, more adventurous sexual self.
If she'd suffered any lingering hopes that he would suddenly announce his unending love for her, however, their conversation earlier had squelched it. She had a gnawing suspicion that she had fallen in love with him, but she somehow knew now that she could handle parting ways with him like the adult she kept reminding herself she was. What they'd shared had been amazing, mind boggling, and life altering but she understood fully after today that he wasn't the type of man who got attached to women. And she harbored no delusions that a week of hot, naughty sex was going to change that.
And it was okay. Life would go on. She would be fine.
As Xenia typed, a colossal secret made its way onto the computer screen.
That evening, Xenia and Justin prepared an easy meal of burgers and fries, tired after skiing. The mood was relaxed as they sat down at the table, but Xenia couldn't help remembering she was leaving in the morning. Somehow her departure had snuck up fast.
"What time is your flight?"
She swirled a fry in ketchup. "Eleven fifteen."
"Eagle's a smalñ airport. If you get there an hour early, you'l be fine. I'l drive you down."
She drew in her breath at the offer, at the chance to spend one more little chunk of time with him. But then she imagined the anguish of kisses in the airport, the stretching out of it, the painful finality of it al . She'd do better if she left on her own and besides, it was more practical. "No," she said, explaining, "I have to return the rental or you'l be stuck with two."
"I don't mind. I could return your car for you and get Tommy to pick me up."
But she held firm. "It's not necessary," she said, peering down at her plate, then taking a big bite of her hamburger to distract her from the slight awkwardness of the refusal.
He sounded reluctant but said, "Okay, if you re sure."
She tried to speak lightly. "When will you
head out?"
He sighed, leaned back in his chair. "I think I'l hang out a few days more, unwind, watch the snow, veg a little." Then he grinned, teasing her. "You've worn me out."
She flashed a sexy smile, thinking she hoped to wear him out again, at least one more time, before the sun rose.
"So how's the book? Did I ruin your writer's retreat too badly?" He looked as if he might have mixed emotions on it she suspected he hoped it was going wel but would also take some arrogant pride in learning she'd not managed to accomplish much amid al their naughty play.
"I'l have you know it's almost finished, and I'm very pleased with it. I have to write the last chapter after I get home, but it won't take long now, and I'm actually going to make my deadline." A giddy sort of giggle escaped her. "I've never written a book so fast. And who'd have thought I could do it in the middle of a wild, crazy sextravaganza."
Justin let out a rich laugh and said, "I must be good for your creativity."
And she thought,
You have no idea, baby.
After dinner, she announced she was going to pack. She grabbed the CD on which she'd saved her book file, then scurried up the stairs before she started looking too depressed.
She really was going to be okay without him, but saying good-bye would be torturous. Each piece of clothing she wadded into her suitcase, each little item, even hair clips and dirty socks, drove it home more. Worst were the items Braden had given her the sheer black kimono, the champagnebcolored ensemble, the velvet corset. In a way, it seemed weird to take them she couldn't imagine ever wearing them for another guy.
Yet it would feel just as odd to leave them behind they were gifts from the man she'd come to care for, and even if they sat in her lingerie drawer forever, when she saw them they would bring her back here in her mind, back to the most glorious days of her life.
She didn't pack the red bra-and-panties set from Monica, though the set she'd worn for him on the webcam back when he was just words on a screen. She wanted to look pretty and sexy for him on this, their last night together. After a quick shower, she donned the red lace, then put her standard cotton cami and joggers on over them, thinking shed surprise him a little later.
Yet when she headed back downstairs,
she was the one who got a hot surprise.
Justin lay on a thin quilt stretched out next to the star-filld window, beautifully naked, his majestic cock erect and ready for her. Two full
wineglasses rested nearby, and an array of candles dotted the floor around him, like more twinkling stars in the low-lit room.
But her eyes stayed on her gorgeous man, his darkened eyes, and his commanding expression. He didn't smile. "Take your clothes off, snowflake."
A/N
Few more chapters left!