I push open the front door, my left hand gripping the strap of my bag so tight my knuckles shine white. I shouldn't be this nervous, Julie and I have always been able to talk about everything. She is the one person I have always felt comfortable around, I have never felt the need to be or act a certain way with her. But something feels different, the air in the apartment feels stuffy. Things have felt different between us for longer than I want to acknowledge, but I can't runaway this time. Walking into the empty living room I let my bag fall off my shoulder and onto the floor. The loud thump of my heavy bag feels like it echos through the whole house as I wait for Julie to emerge from her room at the noise. I make my way over to the couch kicking off my shoes before curling into the small space at the end of the couch, tucking my feet underneath me. I can hear the creak of Julie's bedroom door opening before she appears in the hallway. It's quiet enough that you can hear cars driving in the parking lot, and the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. I don't think it has ever been this quiet in the apartment before. She finally meets my gaze and I can't tell if she looks more angry or sad, and I'm not sure which emotion I hope for more.
"Can we talk?" I say in a whisper even though I don't need to whisper, it feels necessary.
"Yeah," she says equally quiet as she moves to sit on the opposite end of the couch curling into a small ball.
This feels so foreign, we have retreated into ourselves. Our bodies curl into ourselves as tightly as possible trying to create a distance from one another. I want to sit quietly here with her. I want to undo whatever changes happened along the way that brought us to this point. I want this horrible looming ache of all the things unsaid that still need to be said to go away. I want her to not feel miles away even though she is right across from me.
"I want to say sorry." I mumble pulling a pillow against my chest and forcing myself to continue looking at her.
"Sorry," she scoffs, shaking her head and looking away from me. "I can't believe you did this. But worse I can't believe you didn't tell me about it." She says looking back at me anger hiding the hurt I see in her eyes.
"Maybe it was horrible of me for not telling you. I should have told you. I admit that. But do you want to know why I didn't tell you?" I say the last part quietly like it's a secret I'm afraid to tell.
"It wasn't because I thought you truly had feelings for him, or because I was afraid it would really hurt you. I knew he wasn't the only guy you had around. I lied to myself, I kept saying it was because of those things that I wasn't telling you. That by not telling you I was protecting you in some way. But that wasn't it. It was because I was afraid that if I told you, it would make you want him more. You like the things you can't have, you always have. And you won't talk to me anymore. And I feel like I can't talk to you. I can't remember the last time we had an honest deep conversation about anything. You never told me about him to being with Julie." I sigh letting it all fall out, still looking straight at her. Her eyes are wide now, surprised by my confession, but she doesn't respond. I can feel the tears pricking at the back of my eyes but I continue.
"I was afraid you wouldn't even think about how I truly felt about him. Don't you think that's horrible. Doesn't it make you sad that our friendship has turned into this. That we have drifted so far apart that I was terrified to tell you I was falling in love with him, instead of excited. You used to be the only person I wanted to tell anything to, and that changed way before Harry showed up. You shut me out, and I don't know how to get back in." I feel a single tear roll down my cheek as I continue to stare at her. But she doesn't say anything. Her face holds the same look of sadness I feel deep in my bones, but she doesn't say anything.
"I love him." I whisper letting the words sink into me, I've never said it out loud before. "I am sorry, how everything happened. Truly sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. You have to believe that hurting you was never my intention," I say.
"This isn't my fault," she finally says, her voice scratchy with hidden emotions. "I had him first, you can't blame me for that."
"I'm not blaming you for anything. I'm saying we've made mistakes. And he's a person not something to be owned Julie." I sigh annoyed at her defensive tone.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore." She states getting up from her spot on the couch.
"Are you serious!? We're in the middle of our conversation and you're just going to walk away." I half yell standing from my spot making her turn back and face me.
"Yeah I don't want to talk about it anymore." She says coldly.
"That's it? You're just walking away right now? You're not even going to try and figure this out with me?" I say trying to hold my voice steady.
She looks at me for a moment. A long pause falling between us before she finally speaks. "I don't want to talk about it anymore." She says again.
"How did we get here?" I cry. "To this point?"
For a minute I don't think she understands what I mean. She just looks at me, and I watch a tear finally fall from her eyes.
"I don't know," she whispers before turning and walking into her room. The door clicks shut behind her and it sends a silent sob throughout my body.
They have all these books and poems about losing lovers, but people rarely talk about the pain that accompanies losing a friend. What happens to all the memories you share with that person. The person who has known you in all different stages of life, who can understand you in a way a significant other won't. What do you do with the years of advice and shared laughter. Every friendship is unique. It's not something that's easy to replace, maybe even impossible.
I feel as though I am struggling to breathe. Like the air is being pulled from this stuffy apartment as I take deep breaths that don't seem to help. This ache is different than all the others, it's one I am afraid might never go away if I really lose my friendship with Julie. An ache that will live inside me dull and hollow, haunting me in moments when I least expect it. I don't want to be here. I don't want to sit in this apartment we made into a home together, one she doesn't seem to care about loosing. I grab my purse that is sitting on the floor and take one last look at her door. The thought of banging on her door and forcing her to talk to me even if it starts a screaming match crosses my mind, but I don't want to have to force her to want to fix this. I need her to want to fix this because it means something to her. So instead of fighting I grab my shoes and head back out the door I walked in only moments ago.
I hop in my car and start driving. Not sure where I'm going only that anywhere is better than that suffocating apartment. It's only when I pull into the parking lot that I realize where I am. The old red brick building sitting in front of me hasn't changed a bit compared to what has changed for me since the last time I was here. I didn't plan on coming here, but now that I am here, I don't want to leave. I shove my keys in my pocket as I walk towards the door and it's only then that I realize I'm still wearing Harry's hoodie, but I don't care. I walk into the building, the sweet old lady behind the front counter looks up and waves when she sees it's me. She gives me a small sympathetic smile and I can only imagine how horrible I look right now. Red puffy eyes, my hair in a messy bun and Harry's giant hoodie swallowing my body. But she doesn't comment just smiles as I press the elevator button and step inside.
The elevator dings and I watch as the doors slide open to reveal the familiar hallway. My feet feel like concrete as I force myself to walk the distance from the elevator to his door. I stand there staring at the dark wood door.
You can do this Allie.
Closing my eyes I take a deep breath and tap my knuckles against the hard wood, the sounds echoing in my ears. The moment feels like it lasts forever and I am just about to turn and walk away when I hear the door knob rattle. The door flings open faster than I expected and his head is turned to look behind him as he chuckles. The sweet sound surrounding me like a soft blanket. But as soon as he faces me his face falls automatically, his carefree smile disappears. I don't say anything, I can't say anything. I just watch him. I can see the guilt hiding in his eyes. I am probably the last person he expected to see at his door. I can hear voices coming from behind him. I can't tell if they are male or female my brain not being able to register the distorted voices.
"Allie," he breathes.
I can feel my pulse start to spike at the sound of his voice and I try to remind myself to breathe. All I want to do is collapse into his arms. I want him to tell me it's okay that everything will be okay. But it's not. Our eyes still connected. It's like I'm trying to memorize every blue fleck and green hue they hold, before they are gone again. I had it all thought out. I knew what I wanted to say. But standing here in front of him it won't come out. I can't do this. I don't want to face whatever lies on the other side of this conversation. I can't handle loosing both of them in one day, especially with an audience. I turn as quickly as he had opened the door and rush towards the elevator slamming my hand against the button over and over hoping it will make the doors open faster. The doors open in front of me and I think I've made my escape before I feel a strong hand wrap around my elbow stopping me before I can enter the elevator.
"Wait," Harry pleads pulling me away from the elevator until we are standing face to face in the middle of the hallway.
I can't help but look at his hand still wrapped around my arm and as soon as I do he releases it. The loss of his touch sends a chill through me. We stand there silently. Our eyes glued the ground. The tension between us is thick, but it doesn't feel angry like last time.
"What are you doing here?" He questions leaning down to catch a glimpse at my face.
"I don't know," I mumble because it's the only thing I can say.
I don't know what I am doing here right now. I want to talk to him about us, but not now, not like this. I didn't come here to talk about us. I didn't mean to come here at all it just sort of happened.
"Are you okay?" He says softly catching me off guard.
I expected him to be angry still. I expected yelling and harsh words. I expected the cold Harry I have seen lately. But instead when I finally look up he is staring at me with concern. The softness of his eyes and the warmth I can practically feel radiating off of him is pulling me in. Before I can stop myself I am wrapping myself around him. He stumbles back just a little, my embrace clearly catching him off guard. But in seconds his arms are wrapped around me pulling me tightly against him. I bury my face in his chest allowing myself this brief moment of weakness. My hands are gripping the back of his T-shirt into my fists too tight but I'm afraid to let him go. If he notices he doesn't seem to care. He runs his long ring clad fingers over my hair the motion soothing me almost instantly. My breathing becoming steady and easy for the first time all week.
"What's going on? Where have you been?" Harry asks resting his chin on top of my head. His tone is gentle but questioning.
I pull away from him, forcing myself to take a step back and out of his reach. I know if I stayed there for one more second in his arms I wouldn't have the strength to ever let go.
"I-" I start but am cut off by the door to Harry's apartment swinging open loudly in the quiet hallway.
"Hey Harry-" a tall thin girl with pale skin and deep black hair is practically yelling, but immediately stops when her gaze lands on Harry and I.
At this point today I want to scream. I can't handle anything else. Between Julie shutting me out both emotionally and physically. And the beautiful girl standing in Harry's doorway, I'm drained. All I can do is stare at her. Her tall slender frame, dark eyes and jet black hair against her flawlessly pale skin. She's absolutely stunning. I should have seen this coming, I mean how could I not see this coming. Harry steps towards his apartment leaving an opening for me to reach the elevator.
"Could you give us a minute!" He snaps at the girl before turning back around to say something to me, but I'm already in the elevator. I press the button for the lobby as the doors start to close. "Allie!" He yells, but I let the doors shut sealing me into the small space.
The only image I keep seeing is his face as the elevator doors shut and the beautiful girl standing behind him.