With a shuddering breath, Alexander started to pull away from the warmth that surrounded him.
"Don't move, you'll pull your stitches." A familiar voice spoke softly in his ear.
As the fog of sleep and exhaustion lifted, he needed a moment to regain his senses. He felt the burning pain across his back and shoulder, a second wound on his hip and thigh. Then he remembered the bear attack.
"Nadine!"
"Quiet." She replied. "I'm right here."
The king pulled his face back enough to see he was under a blanket, wrapped in odd fabric scraps and being held close by the mate he hadn't wanted to lose. "What happened after I blacked out?"
She tightened her arms around him and sighed. "You were badly injured and shifted back to human form. You nearly killed the bear on your own, but he was ready to kill you before he left this life. So, I finished what you started. Then, I scraped together what supplies I could find from the abandoned campsite around the corner. Your wounds are stitched for now, and I had to Frankenstein some way to keep you from freezing to death. Human skin isn't meant to survive out here for very long. So, between body heat, scraps of clothing and a few torn blankets, we have a small amount of protection. At least I was able to drag you into the bear's den and started a small fire. The snow picked up and you need to heal. So, we have to wait for a while. You might as well go back to sleep."
He was impressed with her ingenuity. It was far more than he had successfully done for her. "I don't deserve your kindness."
"No shit."
Ouch. The truth hurts. Even if he said it first.
"I'm sorry." His voice sounded so defeated as he whispered.
"For what, exactly?"
Closing his eyes, Alexander stopped running and faced the truth. "For everything."
"Can you be more specific?" Man, she wasn't going to let him off the hook so easily. It was one of the many things he admired about her. She could be quiet and shy, trying to hide from everyone. Yet, she never failed to make sure he knew how she felt. She treated him as an equal. Alright, she treated him like he was the biggest asshole in the world, but never did she see herself as submissive to him, nor did she try to climb above him. She didn't care that he was the king. He was nothing more than the asshole male she had the misfortune to be paired with.
"I was wrong about everything. I jumped to assumptions, made horrible accusations, and choices that don't deserve to be forgiven." He sighed. "I realize now that you never were the kind of girl I first thought you were. And I didn't know, when I sent you to the prison cells. I didn't know what you had been through... the horrors it would remind you of. I didn't understand how much you had faced and conquered. And when I did understand how wrong I was, it was too late. I had already fucked everything up."
Nadine was shocked to hear so much from the king. However, she wouldn't forgive him because of a simple apology. He had done too much and said too much. Yes, he was hurt trying to protect her. And he seemed so genuine. For the first time, she felt like she saw the real Alexander Volkov. But it wasn't enough, not by a long shot. "What else?"
"As cheesy as it sounds, the problem really isn't you."
She didn't want to hear the 'it's not you, it's me' shit. "I can't compete with the love you had for your first mate."
Alexander tried to snuggle closer to his mate, seeking her warmth and comfort in the face of such raw emotion. However, she stopped him with a firm hand on his chest. His sock covered hand moved to hold hers gently.
"Claudia... she wasn't..." She was a reminder of why he had pushed the tiny girl away in the first place. Could he tell her the truth? Would she hate him more? Could he even trust her with his nightmares? "Nadine... I... damn it. You deserve so much better than me. That's why I tried to push you away and let you go."
"I'm tired of hearing how you're hurting me because you're trying to make me happy." She growled out. "What is this really all about?"
With a long, slow breath, he began. "I don't know what you heard of Claudia, but I can guess." He paused. "We had known each other as children. Actually, her father was the beta to my father. So... yeah, we were friends... Claudia, Yuri, and a few others who grew up here in the palace. The night I turned eighteen, she was late in attending my party. All of the alphas and betas from every pack had come with their unmated daughters, to see if I would find my mate among them. Obviously you weren't there as you were already in Lukas's hands." One arm moved from between them, to circle around her waist and pull her impossibly close. "Goddess, I wish you were there. That you were with your parents, growing in health and safety. I wish I could have found you then. I would have waited for you."
That statement drew her attention. Waited for her? If his queen was his mate, then it wouldn't have mattered.
Alexander groaned, frustrated with the situation. He didn't want to share the information. However, he needed to try to make things right with his mate. The truth was the only way to start. "Years later, I found a letter. Claudia couldn't tell me the truth to my face, so she wrote it out. It turned out that her mother was extremely ambitious and manipulative. She used her family to achieve her goals. The... woman..." He squeezed out to not be too harsh. "She had gone to see a witch and obtained a potion which simulated a mating bond."
At the news, Nadine gasped. What he mentioned was unimaginable. A fake bond? Fingers moved to cover her mouth.
"Claudia wrote that she was in love with me, and wanted to be my mate. However, she didn't like what her mother was making her do. So she stalled as long as she could, giving me a chance to find my true mate in the party. When it was clear that didn't happen, she relented and used the potion before walking into the ballroom. I had no idea it wasn't real." His last words were little more than a broken whisper.
He buried his face into the crook of her neck, trying to fight tears pooling in the back of his eyes. "I gave her everything of myself. I loved her, trusted her, I thought we were to have a child together."
But wolf-shifters couldn't have a child with anyone but their mates. Nadine was confused.
Then it hit her.
She cheated on him. The deceased queen had found her true mate and cheated on Alexander.
"Shortly before I learned she was pregnant, my father was killed. It appeared like a random rogue attack, but I knew something else was in play. There had been rumors of alphas being upset over laws and traditions he had changed. However, I was quickly distracted by news of Claudia's pregnancy. I was going to be a father."
The half laugh he gave was raw and broken.
"A few months later, I found her in our bed, poisoned by wolfsbane. The pup gone with her. Her confession was clutched in her hand."
Watery eyes looked up at Nadine. "She had found her true mate. Of course, it was too late, she was trapped in her lies. So, she tried to play us both. The guilt of knowing how much being with me hurt her mate; realizing she wanted her life with her mate; watching each of us show excitement at becoming a father, but knowing I would have been devastated to learn it wasn't my pup; knowing that if she chose to leave me and live with her mate, it would bring public shame and ridicule and make me appear weak... it all became too much. Worse was learning her father was responsible for the death of my own. He had sided with the old views and wanted to put a stop to the changes. Then, her mother used that. She manipulated it all to make sure her daughter was queen. She knew I wouldn't be as focused on finding justice when I had a pregnant mate to attend to, to protect. It was well played and I fell for it. Then, Claudia ended it all with suicide and the truth. And I ended her family."
"That's why you hate women who seek power? And why you hated the idea of me being unfaithful when we first met?" Nadine's soft voice pulled at him. She was shocked to see the shimmer of tears running down his cheek, merging with the scars.
All he could do was nod as her thumb rose to brush across his skin to remove the salty moisture. All of his initial assumptions had been based on a horrible past. He had been betrayed, deeply, and painfully. It was no wonder he didn't share the story. How could he let it all become public, it would make him seem weak, unable to see the deception, question his ability to rule. However, Nadine understood. She had been betrayed as well. And she knew it wasn't his fault any more than it had been her own. It was something done to him. And no one would have seen it coming if they were in his shoes.
Gently, his large hand wrapped around her tiny one, still cupping his face as she dried his tears. "This is why I don't deserve your kindness. I don't deserve you. I failed you as my mate, gave everything I had to the wrong woman. I don't even know if I have anything left to give you, but a temper and walls. I was so horrible when we first met, scared to even trust that it wasn't another witches spell used by a desperate girl, terrified you were my true mate and wouldn't loyal. I lashed out at you because of my own pain. Then when I realized I was wrong, I tried to protect you from my shattered soul, hoping to not leave you tied to someone who can't offer enough. But it seems that no matter what I do, you end up cut on those jagged edges."
"I don't know what I can give anyone either." She whispered. She feared her reaction to intimacy with a male. She was scared he would remind her too much of Lukas. Worse, if he was truly like Lukas. How could she be a mate without that significant aspect of a relationship?
His heart hurt for her. He knew what she was talking about and how it would be a sore topic for her. In all honesty, he was terrified he would hurt her again. His kiss hadn't been sexual, it was desperate, yet crossed lines he never wanted to approach. How could she ever trust him after that?
He didn't have any answers. Instead, all he could do was hope the Moon Goddess had a plan. Because one thing was certain. He was in too deep. There was no way he would ever be able to convince himself to let her go. Not anymore. Not like he ever really had a choice from the start.
She was his mate and he was hers.
"How about we try to just get to know one another." She whispered.
"I already know a lot about you." Alexander tried to shake off his vulnerability with a confident smirk.
"No. You know bullet points of my life. Information obtained from Markus or others. You know very little of me as a person. You don't know my triggers, my dreams, my favorite things, or what makes me happy." Nadine pulled back with a glare.
"Your favorite color seems to be black." He rose a brow.
She shook her head. "No. My favorite color isn't black. Black is the color of comfort. It doesn't make me smile. And I'm not ready to talk about it."
He had once again screwed up. The king sighed. "I know you fight to appear stronger than you feel, building up layers of masks, trying to hide just how much you hurt. You are stronger than you realize, ready to fiercely protect anyone you care for... children, orphans, and omegas. I would assume that friends and family would fall into that as well. I heard how you checked on the guards who were injured following your orders. You have natural power, but you don't abuse it and care for those affected by it." Amber eyes stared into pale grey. "I don't know much yet, but I do know I can't let you go. You shattered all of my pathetic first assumptions, and revealed a mate I'd be proud of. If only I could be a better mate for you."
"Well, first lesson to become a better mate, stop talking to everyone else." She grumbled as she leaned back. His eyes were far too mesmerizing, burning her with his own pain. "If there is ever a chance for us to be real mates, I need to feel safe, I need to trust you. But no one here knows much. The only person I truly trusted died recently, and there was a lot that I never told her. So... I need you to be patient."
Her mate nodded. He had struggled to understand her earlier claims of wanting safety, but not someone of rank. Suddenly, it made sense. She wasn't focused on physical safety, rather someone she could trust enough to open up to. Once again, he was reminded of himself, unsure he could ever trust anyone with the full story of Claudia and his betrayal. Yet, he told her.
Alexander knew he hadn't done anything to earn her trust. In fact, he was sure, he added more reasons not to trust him. However, he hoped that his moment of sharing his pain was the olive branch to start building toward something. He could only hope she wouldn't betray the trust he had shown her in the process.