Pete took Can inside a café outside the university. The former ended up buying food for the latter because Can said he doesn't have any money.
Can was kind of disappointed that nothing could faze Pete from having the inevitable conversation. Even the call from Ae did not distract the IC student.
They were both waiting for their orders in silence.
Can did not order much because he does not have the appetite to eat a lot despite it being free food from Pete.
He was looking everywhere but Pete. He was dreading the conversation and with the very person he is jealous of nonetheless.
"How's... How's school?" Pete tried to have small talk since to his surprise, Can is quiet.
"Still hard. I don't understand the lessons most of the time," Can answered.
Pete smiled. "Same. I am not that good in academics but I try my best to study hard."
"Well, I don't try my best to study."
"Um..."
Can somehow felt irritated and he hates it. Maybe because he does not want to talk at all or because he is dreading the conversation or because he wants to just run away somewhere very, very far.
"What do you want to talk about?"
He took a deep breath to calm him down after the kinda bitchy tone he used.
"What do you want to talk about?" he repeated, calmer this time.
"It's about Tin."
Hearing the name affected Can in more ways than one. He never imagined that Tin would be the one he would ache for with longing and whose name leaves him with a bittersweet feeling --- almost a nostalgic pain.
"Did he tell you anything?"
Pete nodded his head. "But not everything."
"Is he shutting himself from the world again?"
"He's..." Pete thought about what to describe Tin's situation. "He's waiting for you."
The answer caught Can off-guard.
"What do you mean?"
"I expected for Tin to be back to what he once was, being cold to everyone who crosses his path and shutting himself off by himself," Pete said. "But no. He told me what he felt which will never happen if he hadn't been with you. He isn't the Ice Prince like before."
They were interrupted when a waiter served them their orders.
"Tin kept being friends with me. For now, he is just a normal broken-hearted college student," Pete continued. "You changed him in more ways than one, Can."
Somehow, Can was relieved that Tin never went back to his old and cold self. He is also glad that he at least kept being friends with Pete even though Pete is the person he is most jealous of.
He is happy that there is at least one person who is there for Tin even if it is not him.
The fact that he left Tin alone for his own selfish reason of being suffocated by his own self-pity will always haunt Can.
"I won't ask for you to say your side of the story but I want you to listen my own story."
Can remembered hearing about Ae's side about their relationship. To be honest, he did not know his fellow football friend received much hate especially with his eternally frowning face.
"I made a very big mistake before," Pete started. "A mistake that haunts me even until now."
What Pete said caught Can's interest.
"I once had a crush. I believed he liked me when in reality, he was only taking advantage of me. He liked my money, not me."
Pete laughed dryly. "Funny how both Tin and I were taken advantage of because of money. I guess he has hatred for common people enough for the both of us."
Can saw how Pete's heart is made of gold by how kind he is to the Thai program students despite his experience.
"I admit that I hate the person who was once my crush --- maybe first love even. But more than that, I hated myself," Pete continued. "I hated myself just for the sole reason of being gay."
Can was stunned at what Pete admitted. He cannot believe Pete hated his identity, and he can clearly hear from his voice that he used to regret hating himself.
"I asked myself why can't I be normal like everyone else?" Pete asked as he absently stirred his juice. "Why can't I like girls like a normal male? Why am I attracted to boys? Out of everyone, why am I gay?"
Can did not have the gusto to eat the food in front of him. He never really questioned his own self about his sexuality, and he did not care whether he was gay or not.
"I asked myself those questions countless of times, Ai'Can," Pete said. "I hated myself. I was ashamed of myself. I denied what I am because I don't want to be like this."
Pete looked outside the café, but it was as if he was looking far away.
"I was so ready to give him everything, Ai'Can. I was so ready to give him myself," Pete muttered quietly. "But I ended up humiliated. In reality, he was disgusted by me. He can't even dare to kiss me because being gay seems like a disease."
In the middle of talking, Pete noticed a tissue being held in front of him.
Can just quietly offered the tissue to Pete as he noticed tears falling in his friend's eyes.
Pete touched his cheeks and tears indeed were falling without him noticing. He was so absorbed in his past for him to notice his tears.
"Oh," Pete wiped his tears in embarrassment. "I am sorry. I don't know why I am like this."
Can nodded in understanding. "It's okay. It's okay."
The IC student took a sip of his juice before taking slow deep breaths.
"You don't have to continue," Can said.
Pete shook his head. "I want to."
"...why?"
"Because I want you to listen. Because I want you to know you are not alone. Because I want you to take the risk. Because I want you to be brave."
Can was at a loss for words.
Pete looked at Can as he continued. "I was afraid of disappointing my mom, Can. I was so afraid because my dad already left us and then I would be another disgrace. I don't want my mom to be disappointed."
Pete smiled. "She accepted me. She supported me. Her unconditional love is everything."
Can thought about his own mother --- his own mother who never failed to scold his dumb self everyday, who never failed to wake up early to prepare breakfast for everyone, who never failed to take care of Gucci, who never failed to smile and wish him and Lemon good luck every single day, who never failed to cheer him on his football games, who never failed to show her love in her own ways.
He never really talked to her about Tin. He always thought that telling his mother about Tin makes his relationship with the IC student more real, more important.
"It was Ae who taught me love," Pete shared with the smile that only appears when Ae is mentioned. "He taught me how to love someone genuinely. He taught me how to be loved for who I am."
This.
In Pete's eyes, there is confidence and warmth and love and trust when it comes to Ae. Can saw that same expression in Ae's eyes --- the sureness of their relationship reflected in their eyes.
"Did you know that I was so insecure of Chompoo?"
Can was confused. "Not to be mean to Chompoo but why?"
Pete is definitely a winner when it comes to visuals.
"I just thought Ae did not deserve a gay like me. Being gay is my insecurity --- the source of my self-pity."
Out of everyone, Can did not expect that the very person who can relate to him the most would be the very person he is jealous of --- Pete.
"There are still times that disappointment in myself and self-pity strikes but Ae is always there to remind me of my worth, my value."
"But you see that I am still with Pete. Because I love Pete. I told you that as long as you are happy and you are not hurting other people then everything is fine," Ae said. "And I choose to be happy."
"Ae and my mom said that I am fine the way that I am. Their words are all that matters to me."
"You need to fix yourself if you let what other people say get to you."
Pete looked at Can's eyes with a gentle smile as he asked, "Whose words matters to yours?"
As Can heard the question, only one thing repeated itself in his mind --- the only voice that matters.
"You don't need to fix yourself."
★★★★★
Dear Reader,
How are you?
It has been such a long time. It feels kind of awkward writing these ending notes again.
Like, I am happy and excited to update again but it is also awkward? I can't really explain 😂
But thank you so much for all those warm words, for welcoming me back, for still reading this 💚💙
Forever grateful,
N ♡