The heart never knows what it wants. Constantly leaning to one side before realising its own stupidity and then it metaphorically runs far, far away. Until, of course, it comes limping back, broken beyond compare but falsely unaware of its brokenness; maybe it knows of its pain and the scars forever etched on to its surface, the cracks plunging deeper than one could assume was humanely possible, but still, the heart rises to deal with another bout of merciless bullying.
Remus couldn't cope with his heart or his mind.
A week of steadily building emotions had passed since the beginning of Remus' revelation. Their performance date for Nature's Sound was quickly nearing, many costumes had been made and makeup had been trialled out on many of the actors and actresses by Marlene McKinnon and Bill Brady. It was all going well, but Remus' focus was always bordering something else.
Or, more specifically, someone else.
Make an effort for the things you want, Remus chanted mentally as he manoeuvred his way through the packed corridor do get to the Great Hall for breakfast. Lily Evans seemed to be banging on about her homework but quite truthfully, the rant was going through one ear and out the other. His own thoughts were being poisonously intrusive and he didn't think they'd ever been more annoying.
By this point, Remus had already noticed that his interest with Sirius Black was something more, it was hotter, more powerful and obviously, more risky. His secret could slip from his tongue easily and nothing had him more panicked than this: no one could know. He wanted Sirius, of course he did, but he couldn't have him.
Sirius pulled back his curtains by just a few inches, taking note of the thin glowing sliver in the sky. A crescent moon tonight: his favourite. The simplicity of such a small shape hanging effortlessly in a vast blackness eased Sirius to some extent, though he wasn't entirely sure why. Perhaps it was the gentility of something small and calming in his hectic life, or even simply just the physical allure of it's silver sheen.
prick
prick:
Hey baby
Me:
fuck off
prick:
You were on your knees begging for me not even two weeks ago
Me:
i told you to fuck off
prick:
You're such a little brat what the fuck is wrong with you
Me:
sorry but i just burst out laughing at your insolence, marcus
Me:
i, for starters, am not a little brat
Me:
i'm fucking huge (in more ways than one you probably still fantasise about the most obvious one haha wink wink no need to lie)
Me:
have you even tried to look at my head there's too much wrong with me honestly
Me:
you know i stepped on a filled condom recently
Me:
i just haven't been the same since
prick:
Stop being a fucker for three seconds
Me:
ew i'm a bottom
prick:
I miss you
Sirius glared down at his screen, hating the way guilt gnawed at his common sense. James and Peter's snores occasionally penetrated the silence at sporadic intervals, but the white noise filling Sirius' ears had never crackled louder.
Me:
aw you miss me?
prick:
Course I do
Me:
or do you just miss my
~dick~ lmao?
Me:
do you miss me
Me:
or my body
prick:
You. Come on I could treat you well good
Sirius perked up at that, surprised that Marcus could ever think of something so ridiculous.
Me:
oh?
prick:
We could be together
prick:
I could always come home to your sexy little self
prick:
After a long hard day, something to take my mind of shit you know
A fire roared in Sirius' chest, louder and bolder than he could have ever thought. A whole tsunami of emotions rolled forward like an angry storm and consumed him whole. He was only wanted for sex, sex, sex.
Me:
so that's fucking it isn't it?
Me:
i'm your little dolly
Me:
YOUR little sex toy because yeah, why would sirius black want anything more than just sex
Me:
he's a fucking whore isn't he
prick:
Wtf
Me:
sluts like me only want a GOOD fuck
Me:
for that reason i don't think i want you anymore
Me:
go suck your one inch dick in the corner you stupid donkey
prick:
Who do you think you are
Me:
the slut who has realised that i don't need people like you in my life anymore
Me:
thanks
Sirius' lower lip trembled as he caught it between his teeth. He swiped left off of Marcus' Snapchat contact and clicked on Remus'.
remus
Me:
i've finished writing that music piece
remus:
what the fuck it's half twelve why aren't you sleeping
Me:
fucking hell come or don't
remus:
piano room in ten
You:
good
He brushed the surprising wetness from his eyes and hopped out of bed as he simultaneously pulled on the first item of clothing he saw: a vibrant yellow hoodie. He mentally said fuck his punk nature and smoothed out the nonexistent creases on it. Briefly sifting threw his bedside table, he clicked his tongue as he pushed away useless knick-knacks in search of those two slightly crumpled sheets of paper that held something exhilaratingly crucial. He snatched the pages as soon as they came in to view, crumpling them even further in the process, before he made his way out through the room.
"Don't go, Sirius," James mumbled through his sleep. Sirius halted in his tracks, iciness thawing slightly at James' slurred note of consideration. Still, however, his voice shot out like daggers.
"I'm not going to one of them. I'm showing Remus my music," he spat, leaving the room immediately before he could get a response.
Remus smiled gently as Sirius pushed open the door of the piano room, a box-like place with a single large piano so students could get lessons.
Sirius grimaced back and sat down on the leather piano bench, adjusting it to the correct height. Sensing the tense air, Remus walked across the shining wooden floor and over to the blue chair beside Sirius, holding his hands sheepishly in front of him.
Finalising the order of his sheets, Sirius took a final deep breath before splaying his hands out on the correct keys.
The tension in the room fizzled away as Sirius began to press down on the ivory, his delicate fingers the emitter of such a saccharine melody. Remus bit down hard on his tongue. The song filled the room with a hazy tinge of pink and with each note, a different feeling thudded within him.
Sirius was focussing hard, his eyes occasionally flicking up to read the hurriedly scrawled notes on the paper. The tune was romantic, slow and soft, revealing the deepest desire Oliver had for the boy who was going home soon. Oliver knew that their farewell would be as scarce as the love in their world, and he was upset, tiptoeing along the border of unmitigated fury. But he was upset and sadness clawed at his flesh.
But Sirius was angry - angry at everything. The world was disgusting. His hands flew with his mind, moving along faster and faster down the keys as the notes blended together in a concoction of pure agony; his heart pounded in sync with his anger as the notes grew louder until they were just about deafening. Sirius was light and dark, two fixtures of difference that entirely make him. He was dawn and dusk, the sunshine that beats down and the pitch black nights that pull you back in to their shadows to suffocate you.
Sirius was grey, but his feelings were more vibrant that the human eye could comprehend.
Remus didn't flinch at the sudden change of tone. He felt it, yes, but he didn't move away from Sirius in shock. He allowed him to pour himself out in to the music.
The room was spinning while Remus listened to Sirius wordlessly vent about it all. The veins on his hands protruded in rage as they reflected his cooped up emotions. For the first time in years, he was becoming truly undone.
Panting out sharp breaths, Sirius finished all of a sudden as he relaxed, the sound falling like the eventual calming of vengeful waves. It grew soft again while it all came flooding back to Sirius. He snatched himself away from the instrument, hating the beast that it made him become. He swallowed as he let his gaze rise back on to Remus Lupin. To his surprise, there was no disgust, no confusion, nothing negative on his face. Remus was looking at him with the softest caramel eyes.
Like he knew of it all, yet wanted to be there. With Sirius, and just Sirius.
His gaze fluttered down to his temptingly plump lips. Heart pulsing loudly in his head, Sirius felt hazy as the boy he had been craving for leaned in.
"You've wanted to get that out for so long."
Remus pressed his lips against Sirius'.
No one had ever shuffled closer to him like Remus had, no one had never tenderly (yet nervously) cradled his jaw, no one had ever let their hand rest against his thigh in the most mild manner. No one had ever wanted Sirius for him. In the second their lips touched, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black were keeping the world breathing. The lungs of Earth were now compressing inwards and outwards rapidly, but the planet was alive. The touches of their fiery skin revived the slumbering heroes of their minds and the small, pale hand that fell over an upsettingly scarred one breathed an air of exhilaration in to them, fizzing through them from the tips of their fingers to the soles of their feet.
Remus didn't remember the last time he kissed someone: it was probably a year ago when Alwyn back home stood on his toes and pecked his lips when they were slightly tipsy. He was certain it was unsatisfactory for the both of them, but the feeling of Sirius' sweet lips against his had all the complexities in his life become simple. Moments like this were the reason people believed in it all.
You find yourself again.
He and Sirius broke apart a few seconds later, and they fell back in to their rightful places. They were two Hogwarts students, Remus Lupin, playwright and sarcastic meanie, and Sirius Black, the theatre nerd as well as whore.
A pair silver eyes widened in shock.
Remus faced the piano abruptly, his hands clasping tightly around the edge of his chair as his body rattled with the volume of his much too quickly beating heart.
Sirius stood up immediately, panic running through his veins.
"I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened. I know we're not-"
"I need to tell you everything. I need to," Sirius said, cutting Remus off in his nonsensical ramble as he spun on the spot.
"What?" mumbled Remus helplessly.
"Sit," Sirius demanded after he had he hand himself down on the floor, his back pressed against the a white wall. In this situation, bravery was the only option.
"I'm already sitting."
But he rose from his seat nonetheless and sat beside Sirius. Their knees brushed.
One might have declared that this conversation shouldn't be had. Both boys were aware of each other's feelings, the knock of their swollen hearts against their ribs as dizzying feelings hold their their heads captive. It wasn't wise to have the dam break straight after a considerably large event, but you know what?
The boys didn't care.
Sirius was stunning, nobody could deny that, but in this second, just moments after two sides collapsed in to each other and the textures of their skin met in flames, was he seen for his unprecedented allure.
The reality of his entirety.
"I think I noticed you in first year," Sirius began after a shaky intake of breath. He didn't look at Remus, but he could sense the confusion.
Eyebrows furrowed, Remus nibbled down harshly on his lip. He scolded himself once more in his head: he was crazy. The sweet thrill of danger had seized him and now, now here he was, up against the looming figure of rejection.
"You know, James was always looking at his red-headed goddess and naturally, I found myself looking the same way. Just... just not the female of your duo. I looked at you, Remus."
His features gentled as he watched the boy wrapped in an overly large hoodie, morphing from confusion to something totally different.
"You were the most stunning thing my eleven-year-old self had ever seen. Still the most stunning thing my eighteen-year-old self has ever seen, to be honest."
Remus looked down in to his his lap, smiling as he tallied off the grey fibres on his pair of joggers: he was only wearing them because he couldn't be bothered to change in to something more presentable, so he slipped on a large jumper and went on way, leaving his meme searching to come back to after what he expected would be ten minutes of pleasant piano-playing.
He was wrong.
"You kind of grew on me. I liked your secrecy, your voice and your power, and - and I don't know why, but that inspired me so much. You were this fantastic person who managed to be everything I ever wanted. And like, I didn't know I was gay at this time. Shocker, I know, but you were my first. By first, I mean first crush."
The dryness in Sirius' throat bothered him, but nowhere near as much as the vulnerability in his voice. He sounded pathetic, the way he shrivelled and sounded weak; he hated all of him.
"I'm sorry," apologised Remus quietly. Someone had wasted their time on him, someone like Sirius Black, had wasted their precious hours admiring him, a boy who struggled to feel.
"What do you mean? Remus, you have know idea what you've done for me. By the time second year came around I was aware of my sexual preferences because being thirteen helps a fuck ton with that and I suppose I could say that my feelings for you hadn't died down. I had joined football club that year but I was still bored. Then I heard that you were joining drama as a playwright. And I'm not gonna lie and say I wasn't up at two in the morning when I came to the conclusion that I could just join too in a feeble attempt to grab your attention. God, I was an idiot."
Remus struggled to believe he was being told this. They were opposites, two people who were only linked by a single small factor, and they were never thought of in the same sentence. Their bond had only formed through the power of drama, but in this very second, they were united. Two bodies yet one soul.
There were no words in Remus' head to ease Sirius on. He became fully aware of his existence at this moment: the heavy weight of his tongue in his mouth; his heart pulsating against his throat; and the gaping emptiness in his stomach. He was worthless, unable to give Sirius what he deserved, but still, he was admired.
He pitied the boy beside him for that very reason.
"So, years go by, and I grow, and you, you grow to become something so breathtaking. I mean, not only did you become more physically appealing, but your words carried out far and wide. The things you said had people's jaws drop in the best way. And I adored you for that. But then... then I ran away from home which, um, I think you get what I mean," Sirius stuttered.
Fiddling with his fingers, he paused and understood the importance of his confession - how this could change everything. He could ruin his heart because of this and cut and scuff if when it's on it's last thread, however, some art of him knew that this had to be done. He deserved to be free of the weight of his shoulders. Besides, he did tell Julian that he'd admit to Remus his feelings, and now was his chance.
"During that summer I left and went to James', that's when I became The Slut™. I lost my, uh, penetration virginity to a forty-year-old man at sixteen who I'm pretty sure had a wife. And I come back to school and embrace the people who I've always teased sexually and give them what they want. Doing this helped me take my mind off things. My old house, the disappointment that I gave them and I guess even you."
His voice decreased in volume by the time he finished his list and Remus' chest clenched. He had forced someone through all these evilly cackling emotions while he pranced along, his heart only existing to beat to keep him alive. Remus was an enemy to his being and he wished with his all his might that he never grew adjusted to pain of obliviousness.
But it was too late.
"And a few years go by, I say fuck it to my family, but not fuck it to my lifestyle. You found your way back to prominence in my mind during the sixth year and seventh year comes round, you talk a little more. Smile a little more. Go out a little more. And that made me happy for you: I loved seeing you full of glee. Then this play rolls around and it's a romance and we work together. As the leads. Who fall one another. Now that, that was terrifying. I have to pretend to be someone else is in love with you pretending, even though my real life self, feels other not platonic emotions for you. Yeah, that's the end of my story haha. You - you can judge me now as much as you want." Sirius smiled sourly, but Remus placed a hand on his knee.
"Do you have football training on Saturday?" he asked and Sirius had to stop himself from scrunching his face up in disappointment. What was he expecting? A love declaration back? Stupid Sirius, always having thoughts in the back of his mind even if he was aware of their plain idiocy.
"Five until eight in the morning."
Remus looked at him, eyebrows and upper lip raised in pity.
"What the fuck? Is James trying to kill you all?"
"Probably." Sirius just shrugged carelessly, but there was a constant prickle behind his eyelids.
"What about after drama practice?"
"I don't know. I'll find something to do," sighed Sirius, who merely just tipped his head back against the wall as he savoured the cool chill than ran down his neck. As soon as he got back to his dorm, he was going to fucking strip and cry.
"Hogsmeade?"
Sirius' eyes met Remus' faster than you could say 'gay'.
"Are you-"
"Yeah, I think I am."
"You think?"
"I don't know, I just felt like it. I want this. I don't - I don't even know. I'm sorry, this is the shittiest possible way for someone to ask-"
"No, no, no! I like it, I love it! I have low-standards anyway. I mean, not saying that this is bad, I'm just saying I don't need to be impressed-"
"If it wasn't nearly one in the morning then I'm certain I'd be more eloquent but - but I'm kind of at loss for words, I am so inexplicable sorry."
Both boys decided it was time to seal their lips.
Panting heavily, Remus wondered if it was time to get up and leave school to become a gypsy.
"Do you want to go to Hogsmeade? I mean, I understand-"
"Shut up, we are not going through this again. Yes, I want to go with you," Sirius accepted, squeezing the hand on his knee that he was sure Remus had forgotten about.
FUCKING HELL.
F U C K I N G H E L L. this took way too long and i am exhausted i need a bloody holiday after this chapter. so a lot had happened these past four days which i'm sure most of you have heard of. my main bitch got a wattpad, i've got a partner and my mum took my phone away for no reason. that was in the wrong order whoopsie daisy. anyway, yo can sorta tell i have up on this chapter during the end and i really cba to edit it rn so um yeah sorry.
see you next millennium