TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, SUICIDE
She had bags under her eyes, salt stitched to her face, and stress lines nested around every flattering feature. Her drooping shoulders and even worsening posture held up a t-shirt that certainly hadn't been washed in a few days and her hips, which were now more prominent than ever before, woefully held onto the hem of her grease stained sweatpants. She sported mis- matched socks and a random pair of slippers that were soon to be shoved off the moment her butt hit the couch. The redhead slugged through the house with heavy, dragging feet and into the living room, avoiding every mirror at all costs. While passing the fridge, she grabbed three more beers and plopped herself down on the couch, kicking off her slippers. She sat, watching whatever shitty reality television show was on at three in the morning.
Nicole hadn't left this very position in well, now thinking about it, when was the last time she'd gotten up to brush her hair or her teeth? Or maybe to get groceries instead of making boxed macaroni and cheese for the fourth time this week? Nicole has definitely thought about getting up and putting herself together. Possibly to toss on a clean pair of sweatpants or wash her face, but that would take far too much work and she would have to look herself in the mirror and see what she had become without Waverly. It's been at least a few months without her, she stopped counting the days, and every time Nicole thought about it, she popped the top off of another beer and took a few hard gulps before settling into the tingling feeling that was radiating through her body from her stomach.
Depression is unique in every person that she touches. Sometimes, she's gentle and faint, barely there, only distantly reminding you that she's still there. But sometimes she's ruthless and unforgiving, relentless. She has this magical, almost entrancing way of blurring every day together so they were one large blob, erasing memories, happy or sad it doesn't matter, so that you continue to swirl the drain until you finally fall through, and wave the metaphorical white flag, essentially giving up. Depression often times invites Anxiety along for the ride. Perhaps it's more fun this way or maybe it's just convenient. Like when you invite your friend to go to the store with you just because you're bored, and they live on the way. Anxiety takes you up the track of the rollercoaster that is a panic attack and lets you sit on top, looking down at the winding, twisting path that lies below you letting you feel your nerves reach up to your throat and Depression, for the fun of it, let's you slowly and painfully descend until she finally releases you with the simplest of "clinks" and you hurdle down into whatever trauma filled memory lane they decide to take you down tonight.
But on rollercoasters, if it's built the right way for the most extreme amount of thrill, you succumb to the adrenaline and too much of it makes you feel numb. You close your eyes, grip the safety bar and sort of throw your head back, giving up and giving in to the thrill, and accepting that it'll end in thirty seconds and you'll be getting in line for the next ride, just a hundred feet away. Except in your head, there's no hands in the air, there's no laughing because you don't have enough oxygen left to scream, no. It lasts for hours and sometimes days and you can't just get off the ride and move on. There's no safety bar to dig your nails into and if you throw your head and give up, you're considered a danger to yourself. And now you sit on your couch eating macaroni, sipping on your fifth beer of the night and sat in the same clothes from last Wednesday, going over the events from the past year, thinking of what could've gone differently and would you be sitting here right now if you had just driven to Austin with your girlfriend and just gotten some goddamn tacos. You drown yourself in the thoughts of, "Why did I do that?" or "I should've done something different." Thoughts swirl around your mind with no way to make them stop or even slow down.
Since taking her leave of absence from the Police Department, it became easier to coax Nicole onto this wild interaction. She didn't put up much of a fight. Nicole often had conversations with herself, debating whether she had grown weaker or maybe she was just ready to give herself over to the idea that she couldn't do this anymore. But working at the station became too much, too fast. She would find herself staring into space, her mind completely and utterly blank. She would check back into life, not realizing that hours had passed by only to get up from her desk, walk out the door turning off the lights and locking up for the night. She'd go home, drink a couple beers, and be carried away into sleep, not even bothering to change out of her uniform. Why? Because who cares. The station became a place of pain rather than passion or joy, so she left the place she had worked so hard to get to all because of Depression and Anxiety. Assholes.
Nicole's head bobbed up and down from the top of the couch, her eyes threatening to shut down the shop for the night, her brain willingly going along. The warm tingles from the beer had gone away and the "boozy" party going on in her head was being crashed by Depression and Anxiety and Nicole was in line again, waiting for the coaster to take her to her peak and then force her down into depths she didn't know existed.
Depression hates sleep. She can't invade your every thought and she can't tell you that you're not good enough and she can't lock you into a ride that you didn't sign up for. When Nicole slept, she could run away from her life. At least she could find comfort in the fact that for just a few hours, she could be at peace. She could dream about being with Waverly, being the sheriff in a not-so-insane town, and she could be happy, for just a few hours. Was that too much to ask? Apparently so.
But sleep is for those who have the capability to keep their demons at bay for just a few moments, long enough to slip into a state of temporarily shutting down just enough to let your body rest and catch up from the stress of the day prior. Instead, Nicole was going to get on the body jerking ride that was perched in her mind. She boarded and sat in her favorite seat in the front row so she could get the perfect view of diving down into the darkness. Nicole told herself that she didn't enjoy going on this ride every night because she really didn't, she just felt like she didn't have a choice. Without Waverly, there really wasn't anything to do, Nicole felt like she had no purpose, she felt like she had no reason to wake up every day. She knew that whether she struggled against it or not, she'd be getting on that ride one way or another.
As the track gripped the bottom of the car like Nicole's fingers gripped the chilled beer bottle, she was forced to lean back. All she could see was the sky. She saw a divided sky. Half was bright and saturated with blue, Toy Story looking clouds peppered the sky, boasting about their fluffiness and their cushion. She thought to herself, "That would be nice to sleep on, eh?" But as she turned her head, she saw the chaos that was brewing. Swirling black and grey clouds seemingly straight out of a Disney villain scene where you get a glimpse their evil lair.
She thought about how this time, the ride felt more extreme. There was more at stake here. She was practically going straight up and anyone who knows coasters knows that when you go straight up, you're probably going straight down. But before she could become numb and give herself to her demons, she sat at the top. In front of Nicole, memories flashed by. She saw the way Waverly looked when she was struggling so beautifully with the bar tap, the feeling of Waverly's eyes piercing into Nicole, the way Waverly's hands felt on Nicole's arms after Shorty died. How Waverly looked as she walked in front of Nicole's cop car, asking to be alone. She saw Waverly cruise into the police station, the way Waverly looked on her tip toes trying to close the blinds before their lips crashed into each other. She saw Waverly's eyes when she said the words that sealed the deal, "It's you". Nicole saw their first time, how Waverly's warm skin felt underneath the redhead's pale body, how fast the smaller girl's heart was racing and how much she trusted Nicole with her body. She saw the ring that was slid onto her own finger on that dreadful day, when everything went to shit. Nicole saw Waverly Earp, smiling at her from her front porch. The memories moved faster and faster like someone had just hit the fast forward button and it all came to a screeching halt and paused on the day that Wynonna found Nicole in the woods and told her that Waverly was gone and nowhere to be found. And that was when Nicole felt the tracks release the car, and she went flying down, into her own toxic world.
On the outside, tears began to cascade down her face, picking up the salt that was there from the last rollercoaster ride. The world around her got darker and darker and her vision followed closely behind. She felt her pulse start to flutter and become nervous, making its way closer and closer to the top of Nicole's throat. As the tears fell and her chest began to rise and fall at a much higher pace and noticeably shallower than just five seconds ago, Nicole tried to stand up before she knew she wouldn't be able to. She made it about ten feet, before losing her footing and trying to grab onto the entry way table, pulling it down with her. The table toppled easily, sea green glass from the top shattering across the floor. Some small fragments found a new home by ripping through Nicole's sweatpants and burrowing into the cold, unshaved pale skin of her legs. She didn't recognize the pain and scooted back finding a wall and resting her back against it, trying to find some stability. She tipped her head back, the crown of her head now pointed to the ceiling, she felt the tears come faster and faster, her pulse now trying to match their pace like it was some fun competition playing with Nicole's sanity. She felt the muscles around her chest tighten with every pump of her heart and she placed her hand over it, perhaps to try and comfort it and calm it down. Maybe her heart had some say in how long she'd be on this coaster for. She could only hope.
Of course, she was still plummeting at an alarming rate. Nicole couldn't see a curve or any sign that she would be slowing down any time soon. She suddenly couldn't feel her face, her fingers or her toes but there was no pain. Her legs and arms soon followed, and shortly, she would feel like she had no control over anything. She felt empty and numb. Depression was winning and Anxiety was sitting front row with a huge sign, cheering her on. Nicole felt herself slipping out from under the safety bar of the ride and she could feel her brain telling her that it would just be easier to give up. Why fight something you don't have a shot at beating?
Just as she was about to throw her hands up and surrender herself, the front door whipped open. Wynonna jumped through the doorway and looked at Nicole with sorrow but also a great amount of fear in her eyes. She'd seen Nicole like this before, but it was never this bad nor this extreme. Wynonna, in almost leather everything, ran to Nicole and swept away the glass that was strewn across the hardwood floor and she took Nicole's motionless body into her own.
"Nicole, hey. It's gonna be okay. Just listen to my voice. We're gonna breathe together okay? Ready, in-" Wynonna drew breath in, "-Out." Wynonna let her breath out. Nicole was trying to match Wynonna, but she struggled with fighting the urge to throw her head back and give up. Giving up looked so enticing, almost peaceful amongst all of the chaos that was coursing through her body. Wynonna repeated her breathing cycle a few more times and Nicole fought hard enough to regain control of the pace of her breaths, finally able to push her pulse back to where it came from, but the tears kept coming. Nicole tried to be surprised by how many tears her body was shelling out, but that required energy that she didn't have.
Wynonna cupped her hands around Nicole's face, coming in front of her now. The brunette tried to look into her eyes through the tears, but Wynonna could only look in for a few seconds before Nicole squeezed her eyes and tried to scream but nothing would ever come out of her mouth. Wynonna realized that she couldn't make the redhead stop crying or feel any less pain at this exact moment, so she just resulted to holding her until the tears stopped falling and the silent cries regained their voice. Darkness was still getting closer and closer, Depression and Anxiety frothing at the mouth, ready for Nicole's signed surrender, but she saw a curve up ahead. Was it a curve? She couldn't be sure, but it would be the hope that it was a curve that was going to keep her alive. Although the car wasn't slowing down for the bend in the track, Nicole could find a small bit of happiness that the plummet was almost over, but part of her wished it wasn't. It would've been so much easier to go on if she had just wiggled a little further out from under the safety bar. With help from Wynonna's warm hands, the numbness in her face went away first, arms and fingers following second and legs and toes rounding up the last position.
Wynonna was the first to speak.
"How do you feel? Tell me what's wrong. What's hurting?" She sounded desperate almost. And whether Wynonna liked to admit it or not, she loved Nicole dearly and couldn't stand to lose her. Waverly would die if anything happened to Nicole. Wynonna couldn't live with that.
"I don't know." Nicole whispered softly, dropping her head and shaking it with embarrassment. The thing is, with Depression and Anxiety, there isn't one feeling that they like to enhance, it's every feeling all at once. They like to throw it all at you strategically and at well thought out times so that by the time you're so exhausted that you don't have the energy to fight anymore and you're on your knees begging for mercy and you're right where they want you.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Wynonna looked into Nicole's glazed over eyes, trying to figure out if there was anything left in there. They'd been trying to figure out how to get Waverly back for months and always, without fail, they would come up short or hit a dead end. Waverly was usually the brains of the operation and without her, Nicole and Wynonna were two very passionate women, both trying to get the love of their lives back from wherever she was.
"Wy- I-. I don't know how much longer I can do this for..." Nicole trailed off, waiting for Wynonna to say something in whatever tone she chose. Nicole just needed to hear something. Anything.
"Do what for?" Wynonna was hesitant, afraid of the answer.
"This. Fight day after day. Fight with you, with the world, with my own head. I just- I can't do this anymore. I feel like I have nothing left in me." Nicole cast her eyes to the floor. She felt ashamed for feeling this way regardless if Wynonna's view of her changed, Nicole was admitting that something was wrong inside of her head, and that- that was scary.
"Haught. Let me ask you something," Nicole turned her head and looked up at the brunette, a single tear fell from her eye, "What do you love most about Waverly?" Nicole looked straight ahead. She felt her head clear, resetting. Nicole could feel her head trying to start up again and bring back memories of Waverly, but that was a lot of work.
"Wy, I don't-"
"Haught. Answer me." Wynonna became stern with an almost threatening tone. Nicole took a deep breath and closed her eyes, like she was about to admit to something.
"She's loyal and brave. She's funny even when she tries not to be. When she smiles her nose kind of crinkles and her eyes turn into moons. She always looks perfect, even right when she wakes up. She always puts other people first and makes sure they're happy before she is. She's kind and generous. She always makes sure to leave more than she takes," Nicole realized she was smiling, but it turned very much upside down and her tone and thoughts took a turn, "But she's gone Wynonna. And I don't think I have it in me to fight anymore. I'm so tired and I'm being tortured by my own mind every day. It takes me hours to get off the couch or out of bed and going to the bathroom is an expedition all on its own. I'm tired, Wy. Aren't you?" Wynonna stared for a few moments, trying to piece together what Nicole had just said and simultaneously trying to come up with a delicate way to bring Nicole back to life.
"Yes. I am tired. But I know why I'm fighting and who I'm fighting for," Wynonna thought rather quickly to herself that this was the moment where shit was either going to hit the fan or Nicole was going to have a breakthrough, "Look, Nicole," Nicole turned her head towards Wynonna and looked into her deep brown eyes, "I know it's hard. I know it's hard to fight the urges to give up and surrender but that's not what Waverly would want." Nicole looked up and straight ahead again and squeezed her eyes shut, tears beginning to roll once more, "She'd want you to fight and keep living. She wouldn't want you to be locked up here, wearing the same clothes for days at a time, not brushing your hair or making something unbelievably unhealthy. No, she'd want you to be out there fighting for her, whether it's selfish or not, because you love her." Nicole started to roll the back of her head onto the wall, Depression and Anxiety confused. They'd never been tested this hard since Nicole fought back against her childhood trauma, better known as the Bulshar Massacre.
"It's too much..." Nicole became undone once more, on her way for a round on the vicious cycle that was Depression and Anxiety, "I can't Wynonna. It-It's too much." She pressed her hands over her eyes, squeezing more tears out, unable to scream despite her best efforts.
"Nicole, look at me," Wynonna pulled Nicole's arms away from her head and wiped away a few tears, being very delicate as to not shatter the very delicate masterpiece that was in her arms, "Nicole. You can do this. Trust me. Do you trust me?" The redhead's brain was going a million miles an hour, but she was able to slow it down enough to nod at Wynonna, "Then you have to believe me when I say that you can do this. You are strong and powerful and kind and generous and brave and loyal, and you are a fighter and a frickin warrior. You do not give up in the face of a challenge or adversity. You stick it to them and keep going because that's who Nicole Haught is. Nicole Haught doesn't just throw her hands up and surrender to the world, she gets up, dusts herself off and she keeps going. She keeps fighting." Nicole's breaths resumed a somewhat normal rhythm and she heard every word Wynonna said, not to respond but to understand. Wynonna looked her in the eyes once more, "Can you do that for me? Screw it, can you do that for Waverly? Can you keep fighting for the woman that you love?" Nicole hesitantly nodded, but Wynonna pressed on, "I need to hear you say it, Haught."
Depression and Anxiety were protesting now, afraid that Nicole would fight back. The two demons were banging on the side of her head, forcing Nicole to grasp the spots that were pounding. Her eyes slammed shut, forcing out a few more tears. Nicole fought and fought, forcing Depression and Anxiety out the door just enough so she could slam it in their faces and lock the door. It was a struggle; it was hard but then everything stopped. She felt nothing and everything all at once. Her mind was blank just like in the days she spent in the station. Thoughts weren't coming in and there was a sea of black. Nicole wasn't sure how long she sat like this, but all she can remember was Wynonna's hand on her shoulder, Wy's thumb gently going back and forth. Nicole could feel her body fighting with Depression and Anxiety, trying to gain the strength that she would need to fight, to go on. She expanded her lungs a few times, drawing a few deep breaths in and releasing them back out.
"I think I can. I just need you to stay with me for a little while. There's glass everywhere and I think need some clean pants." Wynonna pursed her lips together and tried to smile at Nicole. There was an unspoken conversation between the two girls, and Wynonna helped Nicole up to the bedroom, changed her pants and they were reborn, ready to fight god knows what to rescue their angel.
MONTHS LATER
She was on the ground. Dirt smeared across her face, dried blood that seemed to be coming from her forehead, bags still tucked under her eyes. Her shirt was stuck to her back from the sweat that was exerted during their many fights with various creatures. Her pants no longer had grease stains, but blood stains now. She looked nearly apocalyptic.
It had been months of fighting and bleeding and running and getting lost and finding their way again. It was exhausting to just be alive. At this very moment, Nicole longed for how Waverly's hair smelled, how her soft skin felt against Nicole's own skin. She especially missed the way Waverly's eyes swirled when the sun would hit them just right. Nicole was rocked back into reality with the wind cutting her jawline. She felt tiny razors nestle into her face, refusing to leave. Why don't they ever leave? She hadn't cut her red hair in a decent amount of time and her eyebrows were in some serious need of a waxing.
Nicole was propped up against a tree, the back of her head resting on the bark. She was so tired. Her muscles ached, her bones felt brittle and her skin felt like one giant bruise.
Wynonna sat against a tree in her favorite blue shirt, battered, beaten and bruised. She had fight left in her, but she didn't know how long it would last. Waverly was the reason that she had kept fighting. For Wynonna, Waverly was the guiding light, the angel on her shoulder telling her what good thing she should be doing. It was hard to live without that, but Wynonna never stopped trying to cope, no matter the odds she was facing. Wynonna hadn't been the same since watching Waverly go into the Garden. But Doc. Oh, Doc. She missed that damn mustache no matter how much it bothered her. And she missed that damn hat. And the way Doc's hands rested on his pistols when he was standing still or leaning against a doorway. Wynonna missed the way he tipped his hat instead of just saying goodbye. Stupid, silly cowboy.
The sparks left in Wynonna were slowly fading away. At least she had Nicole. Who knew these two would end up together in the middle of the woods, fighting side by side? Nicole took a hard hit a few weeks ago when Nedley died. He passed away in her arms, pleading for her to go on, and live a happy life. He made her promise to be a good cop when all of this was over and of course Nicole had to take care of Calamity Jane as a tribute to him. When Nicole fantasized about her wedding, she always pictured Nedley to be the one walking her down the aisle. After all, he was like a father to her and a daughter she was to him. Who could ever replace him? She shook her head. She had to move on. She had to find Waverly. Waverly was all that Nicole had left besides Wynonna and Doc. She tried to keep going and keep fighting but Nedley dying hit Nicole hard, leaving her feeling even more empty than before. She lost Doc and Waverly and now Nedley. Nicole was supposed to be the strong, tall, and intimidating sheriff, but she felt small, weak and defeated, almost pathetic. She felt numb and cold and she needed Waverly to warm her up and bring the color back to her cheeks.
The two women sat next to each other, no clue of what to do next. Usually one of them had an idea, somewhere to go or something to do, but they had nothing. Wynonna had no wise cracks, Nicole had no logic to balance Wynonna's spontaneity. They felt defeated, muscles barely budging, blood dried on their face, bruises appearing across every inch of fair skin. Cuts seemed to sting for hours and days, constantly reminding them of the terrible odds they were facing.
Nicole's head was pounding. She couldn't remember the last time she slept, or ate, or even just stopped to rest. She closed her eyes, tilting her chin up towards the sky. She asked herself how much longer and farther she could go? How much fight did she have left in her?
She saw light peeking through her eyelids.
"Wynonna! What did I say about shining that damn flashlight in my..." She opened her eyes to a light coming from the sky. Wynonna was next to her, looking up, also wondering what the hell was going on. Nicole very slowly stood up, feeling the soreness in her left hamstring. She shielded her eyes, the light still shining but now sort of pulsing. The light began to grow brighter and brighter until Nicole was forced to cover her eyes completely. She wasn't sure how much time had passed, only that it was definitely more than a couple seconds. The redhead reached her hand out to her side, Wynonna taking it into her own. She helped the brunette to her feet, the two women now standing side by side, unsure of what was about to happen.
Nicole realized her hands were still pressed to her face, even after the light disappeared. She was so tired. Tired of fighting, the surprises, the challenges. She was exhausted. Her hearing abandoned her, and it felt like her breath had left too. She couldn't hear what was going on and she was so afraid, so she refused to open her eyes.
Nicole felt something rest on her shoulder. Was that a hand? No, it couldn't be.
"Nicole." It sounded familiar. It was warm and loving, but distant and foggy. Part of her wanted to uncover her eyes, but she was scared that Depression and Anxiety were back and they were taunting her with the prospect of happiness. Nicole felt the two bastards get into their respective operating seats and she immediately dropped to the ground and tears began free falling, hurdling toward the ground.
Wynonna looked on in complete shock. Her brain wasn't processing what was happening and thus, she was incapable of reacting at all.
Nicole felt the figure in front of her meet her on the ground.
"Oh, Nicole." She felt a finger wipe a tear away. The voice soft and kind. That touch. It felt so, angelic. She recognized the touch, the way it felt against her skin, but she couldn't quite place where she knew it from. The voice still sounding clouded, like it was all in her mind. It couldn't be real.
"I thought I'd lost you." The voice of a woman louder and clearer. That was it. Memories gently and delicately made their way into Nicole's mind. She saw the way Waverly looked when she was struggling so beautifully with the bar tap, the feeling of Waverly's eyes piercing into Nicole, the way Waverly's hands felt on Nicole's arms after Shorty died. How Waverly looked as she walked in front of Nicole's cop car, asking to be alone. She saw Waverly cruise into the police station, the way Waverly looked on her tip toes trying to close the blinds before their lips crashed into each other. She saw Waverly's eyes when she said the words that sealed the deal, "It's you". Nicole saw their first time, how Waverly's warm skin felt underneath the redhead's pale body, how fast the smaller girl's heart was racing and how much she trusted Nicole with her body. She saw the ring that was slid onto her own finger on that dreadful day, when everything went to shit. Nicole saw Waverly Earp, smiling at her from her front porch.
Nicole began to stand, the muscles in her legs shaking, struggling to hold her weight.
"Nicole. It's okay," The voice louder, clearer, "I've got you." Nicole was shocked back into reality by the hand placed so gently on her face. She opened her eyes, allowing the tears to flow. There she was. Waverly. Her angel. She tried to speak, but nothing came out. Nicole felt a hitch in her throat, like it was the first time they spoke all of those months ago. She felt her knees give out and she crashed to the ground, her heart racing, breaths shortening. Waverly sat down with her, pulling Nicole into her arms, holding the pieces together before they could fall and scatter across the ground. Nicole cried until she had no more tears and Waverly wiped away her tears once more, looking over her cuts and bruises, realizing the struggle that Nicole had dealt with to save her.
"Hey, hey. I'm here. I'm here. I'm so happy to see you." Waverly tilted Nicole's head upwards and looked into her quiet eyes. The same eyes that saw her get sprayed by the broken tap, the same eyes that said I love you with every look, the same eyes that were all in from day one, the same eyes looking at Nicole from the front porch. Nicole was weak and tired, fighting with every breath and every step just to get to Waverly. But the fight was over. Waverly was here, she was alive. Nicole came level to Waverly's eyes and shifted her own eyes back and forth from each. She felt her cheeks pull back on her lips and a smile shyly showed. Nicole had forgotten what that felt like. The way her cheeks tightened, pushing a dimple out on stage. How her vision got thinner with her cheeks rising into view. How her eyes crinkled at the corners.
Nicole cupped Waverly's angel face and lightly ran the pad of her thumb over Waves' cheek. The two pulled closer to each other, pressing their lips together, igniting a fire that was kept at bay for so long. They pulled away, knowing that that song and dance (possibly literally) would resume at a later time, hopefully after they found their way out of the woods. Waverly heard leaves crunch and rustle. She turned.
Wynonna stood slowly, clearly still in shock. Even though she was strong, the fight was hard on Wynonna too. She was good at pretending to be strong. She was a powerful and intimidating woman, but this tribulation wore her down to her bare bones. She was forced to make decisions that she didn't want to, she had to choose between Alice and Waverly, and it was traumatizing. Waverly was the only family that Wynonna had left in Purgatory. She couldn't, wouldn't lose her, not after giving up Alice and watching Doc climb into the Garden to protect Waverly.
"B-baby girl?" A tear fell down Wynonna's face, "Baby girl? Are you-"
"Wynonna!" Waverly let go of Nicole and ran to her sister and squeezed her tight. They stayed like this for a while, both refusing to let go, afraid that they'd be separated again. Waves was the first to pull back and she wiped tears away from Wynonna's face and placed a gentle kiss on Wynonna's forehead. The Earp sisters touched foreheads, looking into each other's eyes, just staying for a few moments, savoring this perfect moment. Waverly saw the struggle, the aching, the exhaustion in Wynonna's eyes, and it was all for Waverly. Wynonna gently held Waverly's face and leaned back to really look into her eyes. Waverly was also good at hiding things when she really tried to. Wynonna had to make sure that her baby girl was still in there. She saw the calmness of ebbing waves flowing back and forth, fields of lavender, and peace in Waverly's eyes. But she saw fires too, bruises and scars from battles won and lost. What had her little sister been through? And without Wynonna there to protect and help her? Wynonna threw her hands around Waverly's neck and pulled her in, trying to put out the fires in her eyes and in her soul.
"I-I... I never stopped- We never stopped looking for you." Wynonna was still holding onto Waverly but turned to look at Nicole. The redhead was still slightly in shock, but ultimately, she was pleased that the love of her life was okay and safe.
Before Waverly was dragged into the Garden, Nicole and Wynonna had a lot of tension. They loved each other, though they'd never gush, but Wynonna had to make sure Nicole wasn't going to break her little sister's heart and Nicole had to make sure Wynonna knew that she loved her more than life itself, and she wasn't going anywhere. But when Waverly walked into the Garden and Wynonna found Nicole wandering around the woods, something changed and clicked between them. Nicole became an honorary sister. She occasionally received wise cracks but ultimately, they really loved each other, and it was going to take a great effort to tear them apart now.
Wynonna let go of Waverly, understanding that she wasn't going anywhere now that she was safe. The older Earp sister ran to Nicole, helping her stay stable on her feet. She crashed into Nicole's body and threw her hands around the taller girl's neck, pulling her closer than the two had ever imagined they'd be. They won. They got her back. Two completely different women coming together to face incredible odds and come out on top, what a feeling. Wynonna and Nicole pulled apart, Wynonna moving her hand to Nicole's face, looking into her eyes. But where was Doc? Wynonna remembered very clearly that he had sucked poison out of her neck and then walked through those stupid doors, going to protect Waverly.
"Where's Doc?" In Wynonna's voice there was a hint of fear, a splash of desperation and a pinch of hope.
"He was right behind me. Where did he..." The angel's voice trailed off as the 3 women began to look around, searching for a body. Suddenly Waverly started to weep, her hands covering her mouth and tears starting to fall from her eyes.
There was the cowboy, lying unconscious on the ground, barely breathing, back turned away from the girls. Wynonna's breath disappeared and she somehow managed to make it to him in one piece. She turned him over, revealing his beaten and bruised face. His mustache was still in one piece, thankfully, but Wynonna could tell he had been through hell and back, again. She screamed at him, begging for him to wake up. Nicole was standing by Waverly now, an arm cast around the smaller girls' shoulders. Tears came to both of their eyes, both girls not knowing how to help her. Wynonna tried to feel a pulse, but it was faint, barely there. She eventually got him on his back. His chest rose and fell less and less frequently, air refusing to go in and begging to get back out.
The older Earp sister hovered over him, her screams turning into whispers, still begging for him to come back. She stayed here for a few seconds, leaning back on her ankles, watching his chest rise and fall occasionally, not knowing how to help until the breaths stopped completely. She sat up on her knees and started screaming once more.
"No. No! Wake up damnit. Wake up! You cannot die on me, you asshole!" She was getting louder and louder, the wind conveniently becoming silent. Tears were coming down her face, ghosting over the bruise that was plastered there. "Doc Holiday! You get up right now. You cannot leave me. Not now. Not ever." Her screams becoming just slightly quieter with the emotion she began putting behind her words. She wasn't just screaming at him, she was pleading with him to come back to her, to the life that he loved very much. She was speaking now, "Come back to me please, Doc. Alice will want to meet you." The thought of this made Wynonna's heart wrench and wring tighter and she felt something catch in her throat. What if their daughter would never meet her father? Wynonna wasn't going to let that happen. Hell no.
Wynonna became angry again, fidgeting with her shirt until she couldn't wait anymore, and she hit Doc's chest over and over again. She was surely bruising him, but he was dead anyways so what was the point in stopping. Waverly and Nicole looked on and decided that they had to let her figure this out, by herself. There was nothing that the two could do to make this any easier for Wynonna. So, they held on to one another, preparing themselves for the nightmare that Wynonna was going to become.
He was gone. His heart stopped beating. His skin was cold, and Wynonna checked to make sure no air was going in or coming out. Nicole and Waverly watched for a few moments, leaving Wynonna to grieve for however long she needed. Waves was the first one to come to Wynonna's side. She wrapped herself around Wynonna as best she could, hoping that Wynonna knew she wasn't alone, that they would get through this together. Nicole joined them by Doc's side, holding the Earp sisters. Wynonna stood up and walked away. She decided she couldn't do this, not now. There was no way she could handle this right now. Nicole and Waverly got up and followed Wynonna away from Doc and out of the woods.
"Dainty and delicate in blue." A raspy voice appeared behind the three girls. Wynonna stopped dead in her tracks. She knew.
She slowly turned around, Nicole and Waverly already saw what was behind them. Wynonna's eyes widened, tears coming back, but for a better reason this time. This time, it was okay.
"You asshole." She ran to him, taking him into her lap, and kissed him. She felt the scratch from his moustache on her upper lip, a feeling that she missed very dearly. She smelled his sweat soaked skin, making a complete understanding of the reparations he had made just to keep her little sister safe and bring her back home.
His denim jacket had more blood stained on it than when he left, his leopard print shirt had a few rips in it, his jeans also ripped and stained with someone's blood. Was it his? Or Waverly's? It didn't matter. He was safe and home, just like Waverly. The sun came out, striking Doc's blue eyes, making them shine like the sun hitting the ocean at sunset.
"Is Waverly okay? Did she make it out?" His voice sounded tired and beat up. Waverly and Nicole walked over to Doc, his eyes widening with happiness when he saw the angel's face, "You made it."
"Thank you for bringing her back and keeping her safe." Nicole's eyes began to tear up.
Wynonna grabbed Doc's hand, helping him to his feet. She kissed him once more, trying to etch this moment into her mind forever.
"Come on, cowboy. Let's get you home."
"I do need my hat." Wynonna smiled and took Doc's hand into her own as they walked out of the woods.
Waverly paused and turned around, looking at the woods once more.
"Hey. You okay?" Nicole came up behind her and placed her hand at the small of Waverly's back.
"Yeah, yeah. Just... taking it all in. I'm just happy I made it home. I made it back to you." Waverly turned to Nicole and placed her hand on her cheek, her moon eyes coming out.
"Hey, hey. You're safe now. That's all that matters." Nicole's dimples bloomed like spring was in full. Waverly began to tear up once more, but these were happy tears. The smaller girl looked up at her girlfriend and pressed her lips against hers.
"I do love you, Nicole Rayleigh Haught." Nicole smiled and tilted her head in the way that made Waverly swoon every single time. Nicole leaned in for another tearful kiss.
"I love you too, Waverly Earp."