I cannot change you,
but i can change how i react to you.
I choose to take charge fo the rest of my life.
Chapter Thirty-Nine – Addie
The video went quiet and so did the courtroom until chaos erupted all at once and I can't say that I wasn't glad that it did. My parents were shouting objections and the boys were yelling over at me but I ignored it the best I could.
'I'm going to kill you.' seemed to be the most common with them but I don't think anyone was paying attention to their words, everyone was speaking at once. I took a chance and looked over at Than, he was deathly quiet and calm, which in my experience is never a good thing.
When he got that way, it was when he would hurt me the most. He glared at me and I held my own, I was terrified of him but I didn't want to be anymore, I needed to show him that he can't control me anymore.
There were so many things I wanted to say to him and so many things I wanted to know, mainly why, but I know he'll never tell me that.
I want to know if he ever did love me or if it was all a lie.
I want to know why he started hitting me.
I want to know why he raped me, and then continued to.
I want to know why he brought his friends over.
I want to know if he ever once thought about my feelings in this.
I want to know if when he asked if I was okay if he had meant it; did he really care then?
I want to know if the tears were real when he would cry because he had hurt me.
I just want to know why; I want an explanation for turning my life into a nightmare. I want to know if I was so bad, if loving him was so horrible that he had to do that to me.
He's ruined me and scarred me in places no one can see.
I love Liam, and I know he loves me but it's always in the back of my mind that he's going to leave me, that I'm too much baggage for him. He wants a family and I may never be able to give him that after the trauma to my stomach.
He wants someone who can open up to him fully, the relationship his parents have and I don't know if I can do that, it was so hard doing this and it's just the facts. I'm going to need years of therapy to deal with all of this and I don't want to hold him back.
And with sex, I know that if Liam and I move forward with this relationship it's inevitable, if I get married it's unavoidable and I just don't know if I could ever do it again, I would think it would just bring up too many bad memories and I would freak out and that would hurt him, I don't want to hurt him.
Was everything he did to me his plan since the beginning or did he decide it alone the way? I torture myself late at night with these questions wondering if there was something I could have done different to make it all stop, to make it so he wouldn't want to hurt me, to be better.
The judge finally got everyone quiet and seated and Than still sat there staring at me, Nathan stepped into his line of sight, he looked back at me and I nodded.
"I would like to ask Mr. Jackson's permission to let Miss. Gregory do the questioning from here." Nathan looked at the judge, Lisa and Lucas objected but Than ignored them.
"Addison is more than welcome to question me." He said and Lisa and Lucas looked irritated but the judge allowed it with a warning to watch myself. I needed to stay in control of the situation and keep things impersonal with him.
"Would you care to explain the tape?" I asked him and he watched my movements like a hawk.
"I haven't seen it and I have no idea what they were talking about." He was far calmer then when he was calling me a bitch in front of everyone.
"Why would your best friends want to lie about you then?" I asked him and his jaw clenched momentarily.
"I don't know, why would they sleep with my fiancé behind my back? Maybe I need to reevaluate my friendships after this." he steered the conversation back to my supposed unfaithfulness
"Mr. Jackson, how many serious relationships have you been in?" I asked him
"Just you." his eyes followed me as I paced slightly
"And were you faithful?" I asked him
"No." his admittance did surprise me.
"How many other women were you with?" I asked him
"One and I'm not proud of cheating on you, I had just found out about you and Lucas and then Jason and I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me, but I regretted it and so I didn't tell you because I didn't really want to hurt you." I fought the urge to roll my eyes
"How many other women have you so much as kissed, other than me in that period of time?" I asked him.
"Two, the one I slept with and another girl at the club."
"Is this the woman you slept with?" I asked as I pulled up a picture of him up some girls shirt with his tongue down her throat.
"Yes." Probably not a lie.
"How about her?" another similar photo came up "And this woman?" I asked as I flipped through about eight photos of him with other woman. "These are all time stamped in the years we were still together." I looked at him and he frowned.
"I don't remember these woman." What a load of shit.
"You just testified that there were only two, how do you explain the other six, and these are just ones that you're photographed with." He was caught in a lie and wasn't sure where to go from here.
"What does this have to do with if I harmed you or not?" he asked
"You called my character into question with accusations that I was a whore who was cheating on you, you've been speaking of how it hurt and betrayed you and how you loved me but these photos show you cheated on me." I pointed out.
"I didn't sleep with all of them; I slept with one unlike you screwing my best friends."
"This whole trial is about that contact between you three and me, it's up to a jury to decide if they believe your story of my unfaithfulness or mine of all your abuse. What is your stand on domestic violence?" I asked him
"It's wrong, you don't hurt someone you really truly love." Ouch, I knew he must not have loved me but it still hurt to hear, someone you really truly love. I loved him, I really did and he never shared those feelings, it was all one big act.
"And did you ever love me?" I asked; I knew what he would say but I wanted to heard him and see him when he said it so I knew he was all a lie.
"Yes, Addison, I really did love you." he said and that confused me more, I stared at him for few seconds and I could normally tell when he was lying but I honestly don't think what he just said was a lie.
As his eyes softened and he gazed into my eyes I almost found the boy I fell in love with five years ago; The boy who treated me with respect and kindness, who took me on weird dates to the batting cages and the zoo and who came to my house in the middle of the night to sneak me out so we could watch the meteor shower together. In these moments I found the boy who waited two weeks to hold my hand and a month to even kiss me.
I found the boy who meant it when he said he wouldn't ever hurt me like my parents did and I found the boy who I would have married in a heartbeat.
But that sweet and gentle boy grew up into a cold hearted, alcoholic, drug addicted, sadistic man.
I felt sad in this moment for who he became, he had a huge future in front of him and I was about to take that all away, I felt guilty but I didn't because just because he is truly sorry for a few minutes doesn't mean he deserves my mercy. He doesn't deserve for me to go easy on him when I screamed, cried and begged for him to just stop, just put the knife down, just say you're sorry and love me!
I was the pathetic girl that would have forgave him, even after he beat me, raped me, cut me and brought his friends over, if he would have just stopped and told me he loved me and he would never have done it again, I would have stayed.
If he would have just gone back to that boy I would have let everything go, I would be Mrs. Jackson right now, maybe I'm just too weak of a person for feeling sympathy for him right now, only because I know he wasn't always like this.
"When did you start doing drugs?" I asked
"Before I met you, I was smoking weed and it progressed from there over the next couple years."
The next few questions I got honest answered out of him, almost like he was a different person who really wanted to come clean but eventually the lies came back and just like that he was gone again.