"Love is no game. People cut their ears off over this stuff. People jump off the Eiffel Tower and sell all their possessions and move to Alaska to live with the grizzly bears, and then they get eaten and nobody hears them when they scream for help. That's right. Falling in love is pretty much the same thing as being eaten alive by a grizzly bear." Jess Rothenberg, The Catastrophic History of You and Me
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Chapter XVI – Say That Again
Sure enough, Mom was sitting in the armchair, cup of coffee in hand, wearing a disapproving expression on her face. She was wearing her robe, and her face was scrubbed free from makeup.
"Saraphine, no matter what happens between us, that is no excuse to be out until after midnight!"she scolded. She set her coffee on the table and stood up, placing her hands on her hips. "I have been worried sick!"
Good, I thought. I stalked past her and stomped up the stairs loudly. When I got to my room, I slammed my door. I knew they were both childish acts, but what else did I have? I wouldn't be talking to her until she told me the truth, anyway.
I stripped off my clothes and changed into my pyjamas, quickly climbing underneath the covers before I realised that I needed to brush my teeth. Groaning, I climbed out of bed and darted across the landing to the bathroom. Mom was behind me in seconds as I squeezed the toothpaste onto my toothbrush.
"Sara," she appealed firmly. "No matter how angry you are about my decisions, they are still mydecisions to make while you are still a minor and living under my roof. You are my child, whether you like it or not, and every decision I have made for this family has been to ensure that you have a safe and happy life. I understand that moving to Providence has forced you to encounter certain complications, shall we say, that I had not believed we would face, but it is no reason to freeze out your mother and give me the silent treatment."
You want to bet? I felt like saying. Instead, I just brushed my teeth, looking at only myself in the mirror, and not meeting Mom's eyes.
"I love you, Sara," she told me sincerely. "More than my own life. I hope you understand the capacity of a mother's love one day. Then, and only then, will you understand the decisions I have made for you." With that, she left me, and my icy resolve melted a little.
Goddammit, I knew she loved me. I loved her, too. She was my mom. I loved my mom. But the lies! The dishonesty!
I spat out my toothpaste and retreated into my room.
Standing before my bed, and looking at my window, I thought about how Shea had been here with me for two nights. It was a huge deal for me, but it felt right, and it honestly felt like I would be doing it for a long, long time. It was like being hurt all over again Shea knowing how I felt about such intimacies and him going and doing this to me.
It was like he was showing he cared in a completely "I don't give a crap" kind of way.
I slept terribly again. The bags under my eyes were becoming my face's newest permanent tenants and I was starting to break out from the stress I was under. I hated that I had the skin type that showed exactly what was going on in my life.
I half-heartedly covered what I could with concealer and powder and got ready for school.
Mom was already gone, but she had left me a coffee in a travel mug and some banana oatmeal. The bananas formed the shape of a heart in the bowl and I had to roll my eyes. If she thought some sliced fruit was going to make me forget what she did then she had another thing coming.
Still, I was hungry. I quickly had a few bites and a few sips of coffee, before grabbing my work uniform from the laundry and leaving for school.
I didn't wait in the parking lot today. If Shea showed up, I didn't care. I was two pissed to say a kind word to him. I took my books to the library which I found was open. There were a few other students, mostly seniors, in the library studying, and so I found an empty table and opened my English book.
I had neglected my homework over the weekend through sheer preoccupation with boys. When did I become thatgirl?
About the time you looked into Shea's chocolate brown eyes, my subconscious told me.
"Shut up," I said under my breath as I forced myself to concentrate on what I was reading.
I studied up to the first bell, my distraction technique working so well that I was nearly late for Spanish. I had to book it, and I raced into the classroom just as Señora Gomez was about to take attendance. She raised a disapproving eyebrow at me as I immediately started towards the back of the classroom to my usual seat, and I stopped abruptly when I realised that Cece was back there, too.
Cece looked terrible, too, but for Cece, which meant that she still looked like she belonged in Sports Illustrated, but with a sad look on her face.
I considered sitting somewhere else, but there were no empty desks. Even the seat beside Liza was taken by someone who had been absent yesterday. I sighed, adjusting my bag on my shoulder, and I made my way to my seat.
Cece turned her body to me as soon as I sat down and she grabbed my hands in hers. "Sara, I'm so sorry!" she whispered, but the expression in her voice was sincere and regretful.
However, I wasn't in a sympathetic mood. "Oh, you're allowed to talk to me today, are you?" I replied sarcastically.
Cece pursed her lips awkwardly. "Sara, you don't understand."
So I had been told. Many, many times. "Enlighten me," I snapped quietly, before responding to my name on the roll call.
Cece looked so conflicted and torn. Torn between telling me the truth, and no doubt following her brother's orders. Who does that? Who so loyally does what their sibling tells them to do? I mean, I know I was an only child, but siblings were rarely this obedient, right?
"I don't always agree with what my brother says, Sara," Cece admitted quietly.
"Well then, why did you go along with it?" I hissed. "You completely blew me off! You're supposed to be my friend."
"Because I hadto!" Cece snapped back, her frustration evident. "What my brother says goes, okay?"
"No, it's not okay!" I shook my head in disbelief. "It's not the fifties, Cece. We live in the twenty-first century." Did Shea really enact such a 'the man is the head of the house' mantra in his household? Man, that would never fly with me!
"I know that! Of course, we do," she huffed. "It's not the same thing, its –" but she cut herself off and closed her mouth, as though she was about to say something she wasn't supposed to. "I'm not allowed to tell you. I cannot disobey, okay? I just wanted to say I was sorry. I'm sorry about yesterday. You are my friend and it killed me to be like that. I told him I didn't want to, but he made me. But don't be angry with him, if you knew ... oh, Sara, things would be so much easier if you knew."
I had been trying to say that for the past four damn days. "Tell me," I urged Cece. "Don't worry about Shea. He doesn't have to know you told me."
Cece smiled sympathetically. "It doesn't work like that," she replied. "I wish you could figure it out." Her eyes widened suddenly with excitement. "Oh my God, figure it out, Sara!" she whispered, grinning. "Figure it out. If you find out on your own then there won't be any secrets." She grabbed my arm hard. "You have to know. Just think, it's staring you right in the face!"
At that moment, Señora Gomez called on Cece for an answer as she noticed we were talking in the back row. Cece managed to effortlessly reply in Spanish and Señora Gomez continued her lesson.
Cece began concentrating then and taking notes from the lesson. I, on the other hand, got to thinking. Could I really figure this out?
I had already considered the obvious. Gangs, drugs, illegal activities. But it couldn't be that obvious. And something told me that if my mom knew Shea was into anything illegal that she would have turned him into the police immediately. No, this was something different. Something big.
I kept looking at Cece beside me. She looked so normal. Well, as normal as someone who ought to be a Victoria's Secret model ought to look. She was perky, and cheerful, and nice ... when she wasn't following her brother's orders to treat me like crap.
Who does that? In fact, a whole lot of people followed Shea's instruction to treat me like crap yesterday. I was not going to be over that until I got an apology from him, ˆbut it got me thinking. What sort of power did a guy have that made him that influential?
It was almost like magical mind control or something. I was leaning towards the or something.
***
Shea didn't come to school all week. I didn't know if he was avoiding me, or if he was still recovering from what had happened over the weekend. Cece only told me that he was at home with their mom.
Shea's ban on speaking to me had extended to the entire posse of followers that he had. People weren't avoiding me, but I still wasn't comfortable enough to sit with Shea's friends knowing that they were in on a secret that I didn't know. Not even Cece could persuade me to eat lunch with them.
So I spent more time with Josh. Sometimes we ate with his friends, and sometimes we ate alone. It was nice to see that not all high school footballers were clichés. Josh was a good, normal guy, with the same college aspirations as me. His family were hard up, he had confessed to me in private, and so it was vitally important for him to secure a scholarship to pay for college. Josh studied hard, maintained a solid 3.5 GPA and he trained every other day for football.
I found myself really enjoying Josh's company. It was welcome distraction to the train wreck my life had become.
I enjoyed working, too, to take my mind off things. Sally was just as kind and friendly to me, something that I had been apprehensive about considering how Shea had spoken to her, but she seemed normal.
When I wasn't ignoring my mom, at work or studying, I was trying to work out what the hell this big secret was. And I wasn't any closer. I had gotten to the point where I was considering hypnotism as a possible answer, and that's when I knew that I was getting no-where fast.
"Are you coming to the game tonight?" Josh asked me on Friday. We were eating alone today, which meant that I had the familiar sense of daggers being sent towards my head from the direction of Zoey. If it were possible, I think she was trying to make my head explode with her mind.
I had no intention of spending the night in with my mom. I had half expected her to crack. After not getting a word from me in days, I couldn't believe that she was sticking to her guns and not telling me.
"I'm still not entirely sure of the rules," I admitted. Shea tried his best last week to help me but ... I stopped myself. It seemed like a lifetime ago, and it was hard to believe it was only a week.
Josh grinned. "We score, you cheer. You'll get the hang of the rest. The party is at Zoey's again tonight, too."
If I showed up with Josh, there would be more than one person there who would be very pissed.
"Are you okay hanging out at Zoey's?" I asked him curiously.
Josh shrugged. "I don't really see her. I mean, she's usually hanging all over Braverman ... but that stopped when you arrived." Josh's voice was very monotonous, giving nothing away, but even then I could see that it bothered him.
I wondered if Zoey ever got off her high horse whether she and Josh could be happy together? I mean, what was wrong with Josh anyway? He was smart, and cute, and he had ambition. What more did she want?
She couldn't really be so materialistic that Josh was too poor for her, could she? Though, I couldn't really put much past Zoey. I really hoped something as horrible as that couldn't be true.
Did she really want Shea that badly? Shea was ... a lot of things. But now I was wondering as to whether I really knew him at all.
"So, will you go?" Josh pressed.
I nodded. "Sure."
***
I did as Josh told me to. I cheered when we scored. Which unfortunately wasn't very often.
With two minutes on the clock, our school was down by sixteen points, and the attention of the crowd seemed to have shifted towards the after party, which sounded like it was going to be even bigger this week. Everyone wanted to forget tonight's performance.
"Enjoying the game?"
I jumped as the seat on the bleachers beside me was suddenly filled by a large figure.
I had to do a double take when I saw Shea. When I saw him on Monday, his face had been healing, but now, only a few days later, it was like nothing had happened. Did bruises really disappear that quickly, and that flawlessly? Goddammit, he was handsome. I found myself distracted for a second after not having seen him in so long. I momentarily forgot that I was monumentally angry with him.
"What are you doing here?" I snapped when I finally found my voice.
"This is my school, isn't it? I always come to the game," he retorted, an ounce of cuteness to his voice, as though he was trying to break through my hard exterior. It wouldn't work.
"Where have you been all this week?" I asked nonchalantly, turning my attention back to the field.
"Helping my mom," he replied, his tone quickly saddening. "She's, um, had it tough this week. Me being hurt and all, she took it pretty hard." The seriousness in his tone told me he was telling the truth, which felt nice to receive for once. It also meant that Cece had been telling me the truth.
"Shouldn't your mom be taking care of you when you're hurt?" I wondered. Or I could have helped, if you hadn't been such a jerk.
"Mom took care of me my whole life. It's my turn now," he said defensively, his voice suddenly sharp.
I flinched a little, and I could tell that I had hit a nerve with my careless comment. I brought my eyes back to his. As I looked into their brown depths, it still felt strange to me how comfortable and right I felt with Shea, even after everything that had happened. The stupid, romantic part of my brain just needed him, and hoped that he needed me.
Shea closed his eyes. "Sorry," he apologised, "I don't mean to snap. You couldn't have known ... I don't want to ..." Shea sighed. "I've missed you this week, Sara," he said, settling on his words.
And the logical part of me knew that this wasn't fair. "You missed me?" I repeated. "You put me through what is probably the worst week of my life and you missed me?" For Christ's sake, my mom and I were not even talking. I'd experienced ostracism. Shea had been hurt. Badly.
I wondered how his back was. I wanted to ask if he was in any pain but my pride stopped me.
"I know, I know." He sighed. "I get that this sucks, Sara, but –"
"No," I snapped, cutting him off. "No buts." I got up from my seat on the bleachers and stood in front of him. "I don't know what kind of martyr game you're playing with me, but I'm over it. I let you in!" I hissed. "I told you things, I was vulnerable with you! I let you sleep in my freaking bed. You've made me feel like a complete idiot. A complete cliché who falls for the guy who simply doesn't care enough to throw the girl a bone." My voice was so low, yet so angry, it felt like ice escaping my throat. "You don't get to show up when you want, and tell me, or not tell me things, and decidefor me. You're not my father, and I'm not a child. If you want any kind of relationship with me going forward, then you had better pray for some honesty next time we talk."
Shea stared at me, stunned. His lips parted, but no words came out.
The game had finished sometime during our argument, and people started filing out of the stands.
"Josh will be waiting for me." I didn't wait for his response. I simply spun around and moved with the crowd out of the stands.
***
I was already having second thoughts about the party as Josh and I pulled up to Zoey's house. The party looked so much bigger than last week, with people spilling out onto the street clutching red cups of who knows what.
Again, I was reminded of the fact that only a week ago, Shea and I were together at this party. Cece had done my makeup for me and had dressed me in something completely daring. But tonight, I was with a friend, and I was comfortable in jeans and a cardigan.
"Let's have some fun, Sara," Josh urged. "I'm super depressed about losing tonight. Help me feel better." He grinned, winking at me, before motioning for me to get out of his car.
I rolled my eyes and followed him into the party. We weaved our way through the sea of people on their way to being drunken messes. The music was so loud that I could barely hear the greetings of Josh's friends as we arrived. His friends were gathered in Zoey's grand entrance foyer, sitting and standing around the stairs with drinks in their hands, and it looked as though they had stolen a few bags of pretzels.
I couldn't really engage in the conversation as I was struggling to hear them, so I found myself looking around the large, open plan rooms that was the ground floor of Zoey's house. There had to be at least two hundred people in this room alone. There were so many bodies that I was getting too hot for my cardigan. I quickly removed it, hanging it over the staircase, leaving only my plain tank top.
I noticed a lot of people stealing glances in my direction. A lot of them looked confused or curious, exchanging frowns and unspoken thoughts with their friends as they made judgements about me.
Of course, I knew I could be completely paranoid, but after this week, people staring seemed like a normal occurrence.
I couldn't see Shea. I didn't even know if he would be coming. He hadn't been at school all week, so I doubted it. But Cece would probably be here. Zoey was her friend after all. I didn't like how things were with Cece. Things hadn't been normal all week, but especially now that she had told me to figure things out for myself. Every time she saw me, she kept looking at me with expectation.
I didn't understand why she couldn't just tell me.
"Do you want a drink?" Josh yelled in my ear, the sheer volume of the music meaning I could only just hear him.
Did I want a drink? Screw it. I've had a tough week. I nodded, but then followed Josh through the crowd of people to choose what I wanted. I didn't have a lot of experience with spirits, but I wanted to have some say over what I used to get trashed for the first time in my life.
As we reached the kitchen island, we were confronted by dozens of bottles. All kinds of alcohol that were opened and had pourers attached. It looked like a professional bar. Josh seemed to know what he was doing as he grabbed a cup and started mixing a drink. I followed suit, deciding that pink drinks had to be safe for my first proper drink. I grabbed a cup myself and filled it a quarter of the way with raspberry soda. I then grabbed a bottle of vodka and filled up the rest. I didn't really know much about ratios, but I hoped it would taste okay.
I brought the cup to my lips, the scent already burning my nose, and just as I was about to drink, the cup was snatched from me.
"Are you insane? You'll end up in the emergency room with a virgin stomach like yours," Shea snapped angrily in my ear. I hadn't noticed him approach me, or enter the party, but it was hard to miss him now. Anger seemed to increase his size, and his furious eyes were directed at me.
Shea took my drink and immediately tipped it out down the sink.
Irritation, frustration, and utter fury filled me. What gave him the right to just show up and boss me around when it suited him? "Leave me alone!" I screamed at him, though I could only just barely hear myself. I seized the bottle of vodka, not bothering about a cup and quickly disappeared into the crowd, hoping to find my way back to Josh's friends.
I didn't get far, however. I was suddenly pulled into a room I hadn't noticed was off the kitchen, and the door was shut behind me. The music was muffled slightly. I rounded on Shea, and just as I would about to go off at him for interfering, I realised that he hadn't been the one to grab me.
Zoey stood before me, having dragged me into what looked like her walk-in pantry, looking utterly pissed off. She was completely dressed up and looked like she belonged on a runway. I felt thoroughly underdressed next to her. Zoey's fists were balled at her side.
"What is wrong with you?" she spat.
I recoiled. "What is wrong with you?" I countered. "What did I do to you?"
"You ... you skip from one guy to the next!" she accused angrily, her eyes flared. That was rich, coming from her. "You have Shea all over you, he is freaking obsessed with you!" she cried. "And yet you still need to bed hop to Josh!" Her voice sounded like what I imagined venom to taste like. Oh my God, she hated me.
"Why should you care if I spend time with Josh?" I shot back, deliberately trying to provoke her into admitting feelings for him. It was obvious that was why she was pissed off with me today andhad been all week. Josh liked Zoey, too, for some odd reason.
I mean, of course, she was beautiful. But I had yet to see any endearing features in her personality.
And in that moment, I though Zoey was going to slap me. But she didn't. She looked like she so wanted to, but couldn't, and I wondered if Shea and his strange hold over people had anything to do with that.
"It's not cute to be a slut," Zoey seethed after a minute. She was practically shaking with rage.
"It's not cute to slut shame," I retorted, frowning. "Come on, Zoey."
Zoey recoiled, and she actually looked like she was going to throw up. Okay, it wasn't cute to bait her like this. I couldn't let her think that I had slept with Josh when it was so obvious that she liked him. I was not that girl.
"Josh has feelings for you, too, you know. If you like him so much, then just tell him. I think he would take you back, no matter what happened between you in the past," I offered softly.
Zoey recoiled again, but this time, she looked a lot more vulnerable. Her anger immediately softened, her eyes widened, and her sneer disappeared. "What did he say to you?" she asked, an edge to her voice.
"Not much," I admitted. "But he did tell me that it was you who suddenly went cold on him, and then you were all over Shea the next minute. He sounded quite upset when he told me that," I said honestly.
Zoey did her best to mask her emotions then, putting on the cold, hard exterior that she seemed to reserve especially for me. "If you sleep with him, I'll cut you," she threatened.
"Why don't you sleep with him then, if you like him so much?"
Zoey laughed, a snarky, facetious laugh. "You wouldn't understand." She shook her head, but then stopped, "Well, I suppose you would. My parents want a better pedigree for me."
What a bitch. Pedigree? What the hell was this, a dog show? What was so wrong with Josh? Was he not rich enough for Zoey's snob parents?
"Well maybe you aren't good enough for Josh," I snapped angrily, before pushing my way out of the pantry and back into the party. I was immediately assaulted by the sheer volume of the music and the scent of alcohol and sweat in the air. I was disoriented for a minute, before I spotted the staircase and made an effort to get back over to Josh and his friends.
"Sara!"
Shea was doing his best to manoeuvre through the crowd to get to me, and that was the opposite of what I wanted. I couldn't take another lie. If he was as obsessed with me as Zoey claimed, then he wouldn't have treated me like crap.
"Leave me alone, Shea!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, just as the loud song finished, and just in time for everyone on the lower floor of Zoey's house to hear me.
Shea stared at me as two hundred people stared at us. I didn't know whether to feel liberated, embarrassed, or just plain miserable.
"Dude, Luna's gone cold!" a drunken voice slurred.
Luna? I wasn't sure who said it, but that was the second time someone had called me that. First Lex, and now this person. That couldn't be a coincidence, could it? What, or who, was Luna?
I managed to avoid Shea for the rest of the night, or perhaps he finally got the message and left me alone. Although I constantly felt his eyes on me, he didn't approach me again. When I managed to get him out of my mind, I was able to enjoy myself with Josh and his friends.
I got my hands on a beer and we toasted to the team's loss that night and for the hope of a win next Friday. I danced, I sang along poorly to the songs I knew coming from the speakers, and I drank a bit more, to the point where I was feeling a little lightheaded. I had never been drunk before. Was this what it felt like?
The next thing I knew I was being helped into the cab of a car as my attention kept dropping in and out. I would have been scared had I not recognised the scent of the person helping me. I knew Shea's cologne.
My head felt heavy as I leaned back on the headrest. I did my best to turn it to the left to look at Shea in the driver's seat. He was staring straight ahead at the road. His face, his neck, his shoulders, everything looked very tense.
"Are you angry with me?" I asked, amused, though my words coming out a little slurred.
"No," he replied calmly.
"I think you are," I laughed. "That's rich considering how you've treated me. I ought to take a Louisville slugger to both headlights or however that song goes."
"I didn't cheat on you," he scoffed, as though the idea was ridiculous. "Perhaps I ought to take a slugger to your headlights, huh? Josh was too drunk to take you home, though, so I don't consider him to be a very responsible choice in boyfriend." I heard the ice in his voice though, even as he was trying to be light and casual.
"Josh is just my friend," I tiredly confessed. "He and Zoey like each other but won't do anything about it. Or she won't. I don't know why."
"Zoey?" repeated Shea, sounding shocked. "Zoey and Josh?"
"Yeah," I confirmed. "I don't know what her problem is. He's a nice guy. She said something weird about her parents wanting a better pedigree or something." My eyelids were starting to feel very heavy as they fluttered closed. Oh my God, I was tired. I don't even think I drank that much, but Shea had been right. I had a virgin stomach.
"Hey, Sara," I head Shea say quietly.
"Mm," I mumbled.
"I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. You can't know how it kills me to cause you any sort of pain. I promise, I'll do better. I want to be the kind of boyfriend you deserve, and I want to give you a life free from anything that can bring you pain. I'm trying, I promise you."
I was too tired to concentrate on his words. I couldn't process them or even hear them, really. Sleep was the only thing I could focus on, and the soft rumble of Shea's truck lulled me into an easy slumber.
----
Loooong chapter - 10 pages on Word!! I didn't realise how long this chapter was until I was highlighting it hahaha.
TRV is back up on Wattpad - yay!! You are now able to read it so I'm sorry for anyone who was interrupted or missed out over the past few days.
I know it's been more than 24 hours since I last updated but I had to take my dog to the vet this morning to get snip snipped!! He's going in a man and coming out a boy hahaha. He got so excited when I got the lead out and he thought we were going for a walk. But when he saw the vet he nervous peed on their scales omg. He does that when he's excited or nervous, pees. So gross. Hoping this stops that and he grows out of it!
Anywayssss, vote and comment and tell me what you think xxx
PS. I know a lot of you are thinking omg hurry up and reveal what's going on, but you're feeling frustrated right? Hahaha I've done my job ;) Evoking emotions in my readers. Be patient, it's coming ...