ー REAL NIGHTMARES;
nightmares and the episodes between them
THERE is this downward spiral that happens after a high, at least that's how it always worked for namjoon- soon enough happiness became an omen for a storm that would hit namjoon like a stab to the gut. no to the heart. the nightmares became more intense, they became the ones that made you fear closing your eyes. these nightmares had these effects, a lingering effect on people- on him. they became an ear worm in the back of his mind and ate away all sense of security. all sense of reality and soon enough he could feel the window shattering next to his ear, the harsh impact that left his head pounding. he felt it all.
the sounds and the lights that had his heart racing, the gripping fear that clutched his heart in its thin shaking hands.
it was his fault...
all of this was.
if... if only he could have been able to endure it a bit more. then maybe he wouldn't have been in this position.
namjoon opened his eyes, clutching his shirt, skin soaked in sweat and the entire room felt suffocating. the thought of leaving the comfort of his bed grappled his legs and left them useless. eyelids becoming heavy to shield his eyes and mind from this world but his mind was a whole nother battlefield on its own.
he didn't want to look at the paper on his desk or open his phone on the drawer that buzzed every second.
just thinking about picking up his pencil made his insides convulse. made an anger and a fear bubble up on the surface of his scarred heart, emptiness filled his head and he had no energy to step out his bed. not that he planned to anytime soon but...
why now?
wasn't he getting better?
namjoon wrapped himself in the blanket, staring down at the floor for a while longer. he heard a soft knock on the door. he burrowed deeper into his pillows and blanket, closing his eyes and tried to pretend to sleep. the door slowly creaked open, soft footsteps making their way to namjoon's bed. he felt a hand on his shoulder and he tried not to tense up, yet it was already too late and yoongi was a hard guy to trick.
"namjoon... come on... i know you're awake.
namjoon pushed the blanket off his body, turning to lie down on his back. he kept his eyes closed and didn't speak a word. the silence was thick, like raw and rough wool stuffed between them, itchy and uncomfortable.
yoongi sighed and shook his head, worry creasing the area between his brows as his lips downturned. he placed a hand over his head, running his fingers through his hair. "at least get up to brush your teeth..."
namjoon paused, hesitating for a moment before he opened his eyes. he slowly sat up, wiping his face down with his shirt to wake him up a little more. "alright..."
"i'm gonna be gone for the next couple of days, staying over at his house for a little bit-" yoongi was promptly interrupted by the look on namjoon's face and the loud clearing of his throat.
"you don't have to tell me, i'm not your mother. anyway, you might as well start living at his place." namjoon mumbled, getting off the bed rather too quickly that stars appeared in his line of vison and his balance was thrown off. yoongi reached out to keep namjoon from falling forward but the man swiftly slapped his hands off of him. namjoon had a visible frown on his face, head ducked down as he slowly made his way to their shared bathroom.
yoongi sighed, "his place is too small, i got a lot of stuff you know... anyway we're saving up to buy an apartment together." he picked at the loose strings of yarn on his sweater.
namjoon heard the last couple of words that yoongi said but didn't comment on them. the door quietly creaked as he opened it, the lights were off and there was a humidity in the air, it was warm and inviting. namjoon weirdly felt at peace inside this small space and he wanted to close his eyes... to sleep. for a very long time.
he reached for the switch and flipped it on, fluorescent lighting washing over the room harshly and uninvitingly. he picked up the toothpaste and his toothbrush, hands moving robotically like clock gear. clock gear... clock gear.... namjoon felt a strange sense of anger shoot up in his chest. he stared at the mirror in front of him with pure malice. he hated this... that.... everything! everything was the same and nothing would change, the nightmares came and came and his creativity- and love for this god forsaken life just evaporated like water on hot concrete. it was... it was absolutely awful.
namjoon couldn't bare to see himself any longer and brushing his teeth seemed more and more of a chore than it should have but he did it anyway. not like he had anything better to do. he washed his face quickly, drying himself with a soft fluffy towel. his shoulders falling and becoming less tense, face still buried in the towel.
namjoon sighed, placing the towel back on its rack before shutting off the lights and stepping out the room. he found yoongi in then kitchen, cooking something up, staring at the food before turning around and walking back to his room. he wrapped himself in his blanket, lying back down and closed his eyes. he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"namjoon, please... just get up. come on- you can't just do this. let me help you." yoongi pleaded. the younger man turned around, opening his eyes.
" you did the same to me, let me do the same for you." yoongi said to namjoon, gripping his shoulder. "i get... i get that... you constantly blame yourself for the things that led to this. for ever trusting him. the accident- but namjoon you know it isn't your fault. i should have been there for you more during that time-"
"you couldn't have done anything either way... i was blind... i loved.... blindly. until i got sick of it, yes." namjoon started out softly, head hanging low. "i told him- my stupidity and my anger told him... and he was angry and now he haunts me still to this day." namjoon closed his eyes, a couple of tears in his eyes. he hadn't open up to someone in a while.
" i... i'm afraid i'll find him in someone else- i thought if maybe i made things up with his brother would help, if i cleared stuff up. if i tried to move on... it'll help but i'm stuck. stuck here in this hell." namjoon muttered, gripping the blanket that was bunched around his legs.
yoongi pulled namjoon into a comforting hug, "maybe it was bad timing... maybe people do blame you for it... and namjoon it can't be reversed but let me tell you this: you are free from him. he ain't gonna hurt you anymore, i swear. he won't hurt you, you can move on. and pushing people away who clearly love you and care for you isn't gonna help you move on. pushing away jimin isn't going to help you..."
namjoon hunched down, his mind clearly in chaos. he shook his head" turning away from yoongi. "i don't... i... what if he doesn't end up liking me?"
"then you move on... there is someone good for you. someone you truly deserve and it's certainly not daesung. so don't let him haunt you. get... help." yoongi hesitantly said.
namjoon frowned, twiddling with his fingers. "help..."
namjoon found himself sitting down on a spinning chair, the cushions creamy leather that felf so nice that it comforted the nervous bats in his stomach.
"i was starting to worry... i haven't seen you here in a long time and you didn't seem to be doing so well when i last saw you... i'm glad you decided to be here today. so what's on your mind?"
"the nightmares... d-d.... he is still on my mind... my mind that has been in chaos..."