Chapter Sixty Four: Existential Crisis
23 January, 1983
Remus stared absently at Sirius's wand. It was thin, wooden, slightly curvy, and had intricate patterns engraved at its base. He brought the object closer to his eyes, observing the fine details and care with which it has been crafted, wondering how a simple shaft of wood could be transformed into something so fascinating.
Holding it gently between his fingers, he waved it slightly. He gripped the base, which was thicker than the rest of the wand, and moved his hand in a pattern he has observed Sirius doing. "Accio," he muttered, pointing the wand at the flower vase that stood on the cupboard, as though expecting it to fly straight towards him.
Of course, it didn't happen. He was a muggle, and even a powerful magical item such as this would be completely useless in his hands. He didn't know why this fact disappointed him. Lately, he has been going through mild existential crisis, constantly wondering the what ifs of his life. What if he was born a wizard? What if he grew up at Hogwarts? What if he had known Sirius since the age of eleven?
Would things be different than what was currently going on? Or would they be even closer, with Remus being able to offer more support?
With a sigh, he placed the wand on the bed, staring at it longingly. He wanted to help Sirius and Robbie fight this war. Nowadays, making potions just didn't seem enough to him. He wished he could do more, he wished he could be there beside Sirius as they fought death eaters, as they went on missions and rescued captives. He wished he could actively participate in the meetings that Sirius and Robbie held. Remus didn't like being so useless.
Sometimes, when he allowed himself the luxury of thinking about a time when the war is over, Remus wondered about what their life would be like when they wouldn't be forced to remain in hiding. He was a muggle, and he feared that he wouldn't be welcome among Sirius's community. What if Sirius stopped wanting him anymore and went off with another man, a wizard? He remembered Sirius talking about blood purity, he remembered the term half bloods - wizard children with a close muggle origin. The thought offered him comfort, though only an insignificant amount. No matter what Sirius told him, he feared that there would always be a shortcoming in their relationship, owing to the lack of magical blood in his veins.
He knew Sirius wasn't prejudiced. And yet, there was something, a nagging at the back of his mind, an annoying little voice -
"What are you doing, Remmy?"
He was pulled out of the intrusive thoughts as Sirius's voice reached his ears. He smiled, the fears in his mind flying off all of a sudden. Sirius hopped onto the bed, leaning over him to retrieve his wand, and as his arm brushed against Remus's skin, he felt much, much better. Sirius's presence somehow acted as a balm for him, shielding him from any fears, doubts and undesirable questions that his mind conjured up every now and then.
"Just, admiring your wand," he answered and turned sideways to place a soft kiss on Sirius's cheek. "So, you are visiting the Longbottoms today?"
Remus wasn't part of the meeting - although he was asked to join, he had opted to skip it. Sirius and Robbie have been informed of the whereabouts of the Longbottoms' hiding place, and they would be paying them a surprise visit at night.
He nodded in reply, oscillating his wand between his two fingers.
"You seem nervous," Remus observed.
"I am," he admitted, shrugging. "I knew Neville's parents. Alice and Frank are a couple of years older than me, but they were really close with us. Especially after the birth of Harry and Neville, we have been hanging out a lot, although the prophecy forced us to get separated. I'd be meeting them after two solid years, and I don't know, people change. It scares me."
Sirius has told Remus everything about the prophecy, about how one of Harry and Neville was supposed to be the Chosen One, how Voldemort had chosen the Potter boy, and how Bellatrix Lestrange, Sirius's deranged cousin, had tortured the Longbottom parents until word of Harry Potter's death had spread through the wizarding world, and she had left in celebration, keeping her victims alive. Alice and Frank had to recover at St. Mungo's for around a month before they were discharged.
Remus lay down on the bed, pulling Sirius along with him, who rested back against his chest. His long hair was sleek and a shiny obsidian, smelling faintly of mint.
"Don't worry about it," he said slowly, inhaling the scent of his hair like it was a drug, spreading his body with calmness. "Everything will work out fine. Have faith."
Sirius turned around so that he was facing him. For the first time in months, he looked like he was a normal human being, just lying in bed with his boyfriend before he would have to leave for work. His face was pale, his cheeks pink. The wrinkles in his face have somehow vanished, and although there were signs of early aging all over his features, Sirius, for the first time, didn't look like he was a young soldier whose life has been torn apart by a war.
He leaned over and kissed him, slowing down a little to allow Sirius to kiss him back. He felt Sirius's hand slide under his shirt, caress him gently. The fact that they lived in a small house, and that any sound could easily reach the rest of the inhabitants, somehow made any action far more exciting. Remus began to kiss him on the neck, which has quickly become his favourite part of Sirius's body to kiss, and observed the lovebites on his chest with mild satisfaction. As he wrapped his leg around his partner's waist, Sirius pulled back, hair askew and breathing heavily.
"I have something for you, Remus," he whispered. "Hold on."
He rested himself over his elbow and used his other hand to search his pockets. His shirt unbuttoned at the top, paired with the position with which he lay, and his unkempt hair, made him undeniably desirable, and Remus had to resist the urge to grab him and make love to him again.
Sirius seemed to find what he was looking for, for a look of triumph crossed his face. Crumpled between his fist was what looked like balled up tissue paper, and he unwrapped the paper slowly, revealing a ring.
Remus's eyes widened immediately as his breath hitched in his throat. "Whoa, you cannot be serious."
The statement confused him, for Sirius looked up at him with a frown. "What do you mean?" Remus didn't answer, still speechless, bewildered, but a few seconds later, the implication of his gesture dawned upon Sirius, for his eyes widened as well, mirroring the astonishment Remus felt. He quickly closed his fist to hide the ring.
"Remus, I'm sorry," he sputtered. "I didn't - I didn't mean what you thought I meant. I'm so sorry, it was stupid of me to give it to you like this. I should have given you a warning."
Remus, his heart hammering inside his chest, rose to a sitting position, while Sirius followed suit. He continued to ramble on. "I'm so sorry, Remus. I'm an idiot. I didn't mean to startle you like this."
He brought his breathing under control and looked at Sirius with a smile. "It's alright, you stupid prat," to which Sirius laughed. "What is that ring for?"
He revealed the ring again. "It's like my pendant," he answered, gesturing to the necklace that hung around his neck, with the P shaped pendant at the bottom. "I put the Protean Charm on it, so we can communicate when we are not together. I wish I had given this to you before, but well, here it is."
He slipped the ring through his finger. Somehow it fit perfectly, making Remus wonder if Sirius had performed some sort of spell on it to make it fit. The ring was bronze, circular, with no stone or indentation, and with a perfectly smooth surface. The colour was slightly faded.
He stared at it for a moment, still trying to recover from his initial shock. He remembered, when Sirius had left him with his father to protect him from the war, he had wished that he had something like this to communicate with Sirius. But now that he actually had it, it filled him with dread, confirming the fact that Sirius would be out more often, away from him, fighting in battles and facing death. He looked away from the ring.
"Does it connect with your pendant?" he asked.
Sirius shook his head and showed him his own hand. On one of his fingers was a ring of his own, a faded silver in colour. "It's connected to this," he answered. "The bronze ring belonged to me. And I took the silver one from Elizabeth. I had asked her if she had any ring she could spare, and she gave this. I performed the charm to connect these two rings. Just for the two of us."
Remus nodded, although no one spoke for the next few minutes. An awkwardness has settled over them after the misunderstanding, and both seemed equally embarrassed to speak. Sirius was the first to break the silence.
"So, you thought I was asking you to marry me?" he asked with a dry chuckle.
Remus found himself blushing. "It's not my fault," he answered defensively. "You brought the ring out of nowhere and sprang it in front of me; what was I supposed to think?"
"Sorry," he apologised again, though he was smiling.
Another awkward silence.
Once again, Sirius was the first one to break it.
"When you said you cannot be serious, what did you mean?"
Remus looked at him inquisitively. Sirius elaborated, "What I am asking is, were you stunned because you haven't thought of marriage in general because of this war and turmoil and such, or because you have no intention of - well ..."
Sirius fumbled for words, twisting his fingers in his lap. Remus pursed his lips. He has never seen Sirius so speechless. He was usually the one to talk the most. He gently pressed his hands, giving him a reassuring smile.
He knew what Sirius wanted to ask, and he knew his answer.
"Sirius, it's true that I have no intention of marrying any time soon," he explained, watching as Sirius stared nervously at him. "And I haven't given much thought to my future. I usually put on auto pilot and let things handle themselves." He took Sirius's hands, giving a reassuring squeeze. "But there is one thing I know for certain. And it's that if there is one person who I'd love to spend the rest of my life with, it would be you."
Remus's heart fluttered in his chest at the look of pure happiness that took over his boyfriend's face. He leaned in to place one last kiss on Sirius's forehead before saying goodbye, wishing him luck for his upcoming mission.
❇
smol beans