Groggily, I feel around to turn off my alarm clock, or rather hit the snooze button just once. I got enough hours worth of sleep but no one is ever really excited about waking up in the morning. Surprisingly enough I feel better about the incident I recently endured. I want to lay here and let the slithering bouts of depression that I can feel slithering into my body push me into a deep sleep. Fighting it by getting up now seems to be my only compromising option, since I know nothing will stop it. Checking the time I see that I have only thirty minutes to get ready and walk to my bus stop.
I am in a good enough mood to want to put a little effort into how I look today. Typically I dress as what Iyana calls a nerdy hipster. The part of me that is sad and longs for a stress relieving shower wants to throw on something I would work out in. The part of me that hopes dressing better will help me feel a little better wants to put on decent jeans and a cute shirt with some old flats. I think I will have to let that side win out.
Looking in the mirror I can't help but wonder if this is why it happened at all. Was it because I was dressed in a way that made it seem like I was a girl like that? Even if I was dressed in a provocative way what would that change? No one would feel the need to do that right? Couldn't they just ask or something. I have to stop putting my head up. I have to stop looking in the mirror now too because I feel the ashamed again. I have to take off the jeans and wear sweat pants instead. A baggy t-shirt will deter this from happening again – I'm sure of it. As I quickly go through the rest of my morning routine I wonder if this happened because I was not embarrassed to say that I was a virgin. Maybe the person only wanted a girl like that and I should have lied like so many others do. That could be a very real reason in how I cause all of this.
As I head downstairs for the door I find myself not being able to go through it. I did this yesterday, but now it almost feels like some bad ora surrounds that area now.
Kayla, sweetie you're going to be late get going. My mom says as she scurries by without even looking directly at me. Oddly I think this ordeal is helping me to take ease in that sense when it comes to my parent's treatment towards me. I don't respond instead I text Iyana. Hopefully she can make this easier. I feel too weak to be able to handle this on my own now.
To Iyana:
Hey girl you wanna come over and walk to the bus stop with me?
From Iyana:
Can't. I'll barely make it as it is. I'll catch you at the stop K babe?
To Iyana:
K
I don't like doing this, but I have to learn to be strong. I wasn't strong enough to do anything before so I have to figure something out now. I consider walking out the back door and around the front. I don't have the key for the screen door on it, so that would make it that much more complicated. I decide to go out of the door with the extremely bad ora and suck it up this time. It is easier to get down the stairs, but once the door is in site and a translucent replay takes place before me I run through it. I focus on just getting far enough up the driveway to where it doesn't matter and that's what I do.
On the bus to school Iyana sits next to one of her more popular friends. That's fine though we have our separate groups that we hang out with and right now I could use the extra thinking room. She does look back at me and smile. I put my best effort into looking as if I don't have a care in the world right as I smile back. As the girl next to her sits down I notice she has on a pair of really tight jeans low-rider jeans with sparkles and glitter all over it. This doesn't happen to someone like her though. This is not the type of thing I would ever want to put on someone else. This is not something anyone should have forced upon them. Maybe that's why it happened to someone like me, maybe it's because I do care. Nolan and Iyana sleep around like reality television characters and no one treats them this bad.
The rest of my time on the bus goes along with me letting the bumpy ride lull me into pleasant day dreams. Walking into school I am awoken from a sleepless slumber by the buzz of high school gossip and the slamming of lockers. I stop by Nolan's in hopes of him saying something to get me out of my ever-changing mood.
What's wrong boo? He leans his head to the side like dogs do when they are whining in confusing about something.
Nolan, what do you think about someone losing their virginity in a way that's –
I can stop you right there doll. You are so not losing it to a loser who promised you a dance, and even that was a big maybe. Iyana interrupts as she walks up.
That's not what I was going to say, but thanks for letting me know who's in charge of my body. It's nice to know what I don't have control over. Obviously what I'm saying has deeper meaning, but that is only obvious to me.
Look, it's 2012 Kayla. You need to lose the granny attitude and be a hoe. That's what it's all about. You don't see anyone calling us out on it, because it's the norm. You are a sexual outcast, and that is no longer a good thing. Nolan says almost angrily.
Ooh wonderfully said doll. Iyana high fives him. I get your whole dilemma Kay, but the only people who should have trouble with losing it are the ones who were raped when they were like kids or something.
My eyes definitely widen at that statement. I especially flinch at the 'R' word. Yeah people like that never recover. I wanted more insight on it, so though I say it as a statement I hope they take it as a question.
Ugh, dude rape and all that stuff is just depressing. Says Iyana.
True, but imagine it for someone it would actually happen to. Nolan says and Iyana shrugs in agreement. Back to your actual question though. I think when it comes to losing your virginity that losing it can be the hardest part, because you are so scared. The trick is to just suck it up and get it over with. Once you're use to it no one cares how you lost it or who to.
Yeah, after losing it it's all about how creative you can get with sex after the fact. Iyana adds in.
Thanks guys, I'm gonna get to my locker before the bell rings. As I walk away I can feel them staring holes into my back. I feel even worse now. I wanted some wise words that would help me feel better about this whole thing, and all they did was make it seem as if it should have happened sooner. This definitely tells me that my friends are too slutty for their own good and that I am more alone in this than I thought. They will never truly understand for someone to have done something that makes you feel like they took away your inner essence.
I want to look at this entire situation as something that is over rated and over thought. I want to see it as just an action that you can dust yourself off from like being hit in dodge ball. I wish I could make myself believe that this does not make a difference, because people do it all the time. I want to lie to myself and believe those lies, but knowing that it is much worse than I wish it had to be hurts too much for me to believe any of that.
Today is that lucky day where we talk some more about anatomy and sex. The class giggles and murmurs over the topic. If anyone feels uncomfortable with this you should let me know now and I will give you course work to complete during this class period in the library.
Hey virgin this may be as close to sex as you're gonna come hu? A voice from behind says. He is just another jerk who likes to make fun of me because, well, I'm me. Though he does this from time to time to other kids they all giggle and stare at me. I have dealt with this before and just stayed quiet or cried a little, but now I am way too angry to do any of that.
I turn around and stare him square in the eye. I guess we have something in common then. A burly roar of laughter explodes from the class as I turn around. Mr. Boff gives a few snickers himself and then tries to calm everyone down.
For the rest of class everyone stays mature for the most part. This isn't health class so we don't have to get too much into detail with the topic, but it goes there at some points because Mr. Boff is pretty cool about topics that are more controversial when it comes to us.
As the bell rings to dismiss us from class I can't help but go the bathroom. It will fill up in just a moment with everyone being out of class, but I am grateful for this moment that I have to get out whatever it is that I am feeling. I want to have a moment to let out the rage that just suddenly consumed me. It is brought on by nothing in particular. I just feel the need to cry and scream. I want to punch something and go raging mad. All I manage to let myself do is cry.
Inside it relieves a little bit of what I am feeling, but I need more. I feel angry at everyone around. I was there right in my door and no one did anything to help me. The neighbors that are constantly looking out of their windows for the latest neighborhood gossip didn't think to stop and help. My half-loving parents could not sense that their child was in danger. No police officers strolled through the neighborhood to make sure that everything was as it should be. Am I supposed to feel safe now? Am I supposed to feel as if I am protected and that someone cares? I don't.
I feel like it is not just the fault of the asshole who did this, but everyone else for not stopping it as well. I know it is unfair but I blame everyone who was not there to help me. I blame everyone who has ever said to me that they care for and love me. I blame them all for not being there in the one moment where I needed them more than any other time. I will never be able to forgive them. I will especially never be able to forgive myself for being weak enough to let this happen. Some small part of me has always hated that my mother acts so subservient to my father. Yet, in the moment where I should have been the woman I always wished for her to be I failed and let someone take away my most guarded possession, my virginity.
Letting myself feel everything and admitting it to myself is such a stress reliever. I feel lighter now that such a weight has been lifted, even if only for now. I wipe my face and walk out with my head held high. For so long I have leaned on other people. I guess there is nothing wrong with asking for help, but I will get things done myself now. I was weak and that was my fault.
During lunch I decide to spend it in the library. I see one of the guys I usually sit with in the line and decide to be friendly and let him know. I need a little friendly human interaction after my bathroom break down. Hey Joey. I'm gonna catch up on some studying so I will have to catch up with ya'll tomorrow okay?
It's cool. I've been pretty busy myself lately. I have to do an extra project for physics because teachers actually think our peers learn things better from us. Joey says back.
I had to do that for Art History last year. I know how you feel.
Hey have you heard about that girl who went High School?
He could now be possibly talking about Mary could he? Maybe. What happened?
The line inches forward a little and for once I want it to move slow so I can find something worth reporting back to Alden. Well from what I've picked up some students there were involved in some shady underground type stuff. He in leans closer and whispers. Like underground sex clubs and unbelievable crap like that. I'm talking drugs and the works.
I gasp dramatically, but that is how shocked I truly am to be hearing all of this. I expected drugs at the most and I barely expected that.
I'm not much of a sleuth, but I figure if Joey is getting any information that I can't that I should stay on top of it so I can get more. I am not as sociable as him, so this could prove to be valuable later on.
Was her name Mary?
Yeah, I think. Do you know her? He asks with wide eyes.
Get this. The other day the cops were at her house and her mom totally freaked. I say to him. She came running out screaming and cops even came to ask me if I knew anything.
What did you say? Did they tell you anything?
I had to wait until my parents got home. I think he was worried about me saying something without them around since I'm underage. I just told them I didn't really know her too well, which is true. They didn't give too much away on what happened to her. It's rather exciting, even though it's sad that something may have happened to her.
I can see the dilemma there, but we don't get much action and excitement around here. Man, you really got questioned by the cops? Try to stay out of it though. You don't want the wrong people thinking you have anything to do with it if they really are into that type of stuff.
True, well keep me posted if you here anymore juicy details will you?
Sure thing. Who knew you would want all the latest gossip. He says mocking girls like Iyana.
Well, what's new with you guys? I ask him about the other people we generally hang out with.
Same stuff. He runs his hair through his disheveled hair. It his tell-tale sign. Whenever he does it I know that something is up.
What is it Joey? You're doing it again.
My jaw drops and my face tightens up as I flinch a little. Oddly, the smallest part of me is repulsed by the idea of any of it after what recently happened to me. It doesn't make any sense, but I feel like I just hit this deep wave of emotion. We have always simply been friends, but I have always had moments of flirtatiousness with him, not often, but every so often. I guess that is why I could also be feeling this right now.
It's your friend Iyana. He sheepishly admits.
I would not expect myself to be even a little hurt, but honestly I am a tad jealous. I think I am more jealous that Iyana can flaunt around in her too tight low cut jeans and all she gets is mostly decent admirers. I dress like a respectable girl should and I get what people say will happen to girls like Iyana.
As I think of the fact that it's Iyana of all people. I feel bad for Joey because I know how she thinks. He would just be a play toy to her. She would laugh at the fact that he feels anything romantic for him and she would hurt him. I refuse to stop and think about if a part of this is because I am not the object of someone's affection. I sigh as I look at him because I can only think of myself and Chase. I am to Chase what Joey would be to Iyana. I have just been looking at him with that same drop-jawed expression and I realize I have to say something. I know all too well what it feels like to get your hopes of over one of them.
Well we were kind of going to go as a group and do that whole thing, so maybe you can be a part of it like that. It will be less pressure that way for you. I face-palm myself as I speak. I know it is a terrible idea, yet I go straight to helping him get closer to her. I already know what she has lined up and I feel like I am being a bad friend to him to offer my so-called help at all. I guess this is how pathetic I looked to Chaz. Could that be what made me such an easy mark?
He tries to hold back the huge grin that is being smothered all over his face. I don't know Kay. Do you think that would be kind of obvious?
Guys can be such girls sometimes. No. I am sure it will be fine. Just as quickly as it came in class I feel myself getting intensely upset. At the very least maybe she will get drunk and let you feel her up. My attitude turns snarky as I say that. Fortunately he is so dopey and hopeful right now that he does not notice.
Naw, I mean -well. He is trying to search for the words, but I am grateful that we get to pick up out lunch treys and get back to our separate tables, mine being the library.
Suddenly I am not sure I can take much more of this. I don't know what 'this' is, but I am feeling very overwhelmed right now. I feel like there is just this un-seeable pressure physically pressing in all around me. I put my trey back and as calmly as possible walk out of line without a word. I don't want to be the dramatic girl who has to huff and puff to be noticed when she is upset.
Our library is fairly small. I walk to a computer in a corner at the far end of a mostly empty row so that I can have some privacy. I would prefer a laptop so that I could have just that much less risk of someone looking over my shoulder but I will manage. I have no idea where to begin and I cannot even believe that I am daring to look up any information on this at all. I tap a finger on the space bar as I decide to type in 'how to deal with r'. I can't finish the last word. 'It's just a word.' I yell that phrase continuously inside my head, but at it seems like speaking it or apparently even typing it will make what happened that much more real. It will become ten times harder to deal with.
I hit enter. I guess my fingers are a lot more impatient and daring than I am. Nevertheless their efforts were fruitless. Nothing comes up but a bunch of results I don't care for. At least that is all that is one the first results page. Who goes past the first page anyway? As soon as I type in the 'a' the word I dare not even think pops up. Now I can search through other and find some words that will comfort me. I hope I come across some quote of inspiration that I can be reminded of when I need to feel better about all of this. So much of what I am seeing seems like it comes from people with degrees who have never experienced it. Right now a statistic can do nothing for me.
I hear people talking from somewhere behind me. My narcissist paranoia brought on by my personal endeavors of online counseling hunting causes me to straighten up and sit as tall as possible so that I cover more of what I am doing on the computer. The only people I personal know that would come in here will be in lunch and study hall during this hour, so I hope that if anyone ask what I am doing they will be convinced by whatever lie I come up with.
The bell rings to get back to classes and luckily I didn't have any run-ins with nosey people. I hate when people look over my shoulder to see what I am doing and with my heightened emotions I would have hated to have a confrontation after something like that happening. I didn't find anything specific that would help me – no magic words or ancient proverbs like I was expecting- but I found an entire community of people like me. They were all to the point where their incidences had come and gone long ago, but it still helps to know that other people live their lives after dealing with the same thing. Some even have children and lead normal lives. I am not sure why something like this would surprise me so much, but it does. It brings me a small sense of relief. Maybe this relief too will pass, but for now it helps.
As I reach my locker I decide to text Alden. I feel like I have enough of a level head to deal with his crisis now.
To: Alden
Hey. It's Kayla. I have info. Meet me at the tennis courts at my school when you get out of classes today?
It's now sixth period and I have one more class to go. Typically I would be taking notes furiously and raising my hand as if I was reaching for air. Today everyone seems to feel like crap. It feels one of those days where it is raining and it drags everyone's mood down. The only problem is that the sun is out and it is just that boring. I feel my phone buzz. I jump and wriggle around a little because of how much it scares me. I pull it out and put it on my desk with my books surrounding it. Teachers know when students are texting. It is the only time most kids look interested.
From: Alden
I have some too. See you then
Since I have not told Nolan or Iyana about my covert operation I would rather avoid them until after I meet up with Alden. My last class goes by with me floating through and not being too interested. All I can think about is talking to Alden. I don't understand why helping him makes me feel so eager, but it is the most positive thing of this day.
I try not to run out of class like there is a fire chasing me, but I don't waste time either.
Ms. [] may I speak with you for a moment? It's my teacher Mr. Boff. I really don't want to have to deal with whatever psychological 'I'm here if you need to talk' crap. He is a really nice person, but even with my mood being fairly good I can't deal with someone getting me to talk about anything concerning what happened. I don't want to deal with it. I stop and stifle a sigh. There are only a few people still lingering behind and gathering their things, but none of them seem to interested in what a teacher would want to talk to the class nerd about.
I just wanted to ask how things have been with you lately. I am not the only one of your teachers who has noticed that you don't seem to be as interested as you once were. He is leaning on his desk. He looks casual and relaxed as if we are two friends having a pleasant chat. But I regard him suspiciously. I am defensive automatically because I am just not ready to go there. I want to lash out right now even though he has not done anything to deserve it. The only thing that stops me in this moment is that I don't want my lashing out to be the cause for any more questions. More than ever I just want to go unnoticed.
Sorry. I'm fine really. I guess it's just the excitement of senior year. I don't think I have really wanted to enjoy the non-academic part of high school until this year. I still haven't but – I don't know- I'm just having a bad case of Senioritis I guess. That was true at some point. I was feeling those things before what happened on my way home. It is not a complete lie, but it isn't like I would be honest with him about it either so a white lie is just as good as the truth in this case.
Ah. I see. He seems even more relaxed now that he thinks I'm not getting smacked around at home or anything. Well you have had a good record these past three years and I just want to make sure you finish out strong is all. I see a bright future for you
I nod in agreement and smile. I don't want anything to make me late from my next class. I hate that feeling of walking in and everyone looking at me like I defended O.J. Simpson at his latest trial. Also I feel weird around him in this moment. For him to notice that something is wrong along with my other teachers I feel like they just invaded my life. It's stupid, I know. I can't help but feel like anyone asking questions that even indirectly point to what was done to me is too invasive for me to handle right now. I don't want it. I cannot handle any of it. I just want to focus on this thing with Alden. I won't even begin to let my mind delve into the irony of that.
On my way to my next class Iyana grabs me by the arm. It certainly shakes me out of my thoughts. Where have you been bitch? I have juicy news for you. She is holding her phone in one hand as she stands with her typical posh stance of her hand on her hip with her hip cocked to the right side. My mind is jolted with idea of getting the phone number from that weird guy from the mall.
What's up? I try my best to stay relaxed but in reality I am too shaken up by the urge to snatch her phone and fine the name that is only labeled by one letter.
You won't believe who was hitting on me in class today in front of everyone.
I don't know. Was it a girl this time?
Don't get cute with me doll. She says with over dramatic eye-roll. Mr. forty-two himself.
Really, Iyana. Really? I'm so over this I am starting to sound like her when she gets exasperated. Since when have you gotten all excited over the attention of an arrogant football player? I thought you were into college freshmen now anyway.
Well he was playing hard to get. I'm not an average girl so I don't care about this like you do about Chaz. She says Chaz's name louder than I would have liked but no one seems to notice since there is so much bustling about in the hall way right now.
Keep it down. Goodness. The thought of my sexually open friend caring about something as trivial as someone having a crush on her puts me in a bad mood. It's not her fault that someone took their lust too far with me. I don't want any more questions that have anything to do with what happened to me so I try to make my next comment lighter. So what happened? And why is this juicy? I thought all of your juicy news was more gossip.
Well yeah it is, but this is beyond that. This is wonderful. Seeing her get so excited over that makes me realize how human I often forget she is. She puts on such a confident air that I forget she is just a typical high school girl.
Watching my best friend light up at the thought of a guy being interested in her sparks a tiny ball of joy deep within me. It's not enough to get me from feeling angry and like I have no control. It is enough to nudge me to treat her better. She did nothing wrong here. I just wish that things like that were what still worried me now.
So. I try hard to put on a smile for her sake, and mine as well. Are you going to ask him to the dance or just wait and see if he comes to you.
Honey, you already know the answer to that. She says it with her cockiness in full swing. Do you think I should just hint at it just so he knows it's okay to ask. I actually give a real half-smile at seeing her flip-flop on how she feels about this situation.
A hint wouldn't be bad. It would make it neutral. You could play it off either way if it comes down to it. I suggest to her.
She gently squeezes my shoulders. And this is why you are my best friend. You have all of the genius ideas. See ya 'round babe.
Iyana. Could I borrow your phone. I lost a few of my numbers.
Sure. I have to much daydreaming to do to text next period anyways. Just don't get it taken up and give it back after class k?
Thanks. I'll take good care of it I promise.
That was easier than I expected, but I guess she has no reason to suspect any alterior motives from me.
I linger at my locker deciding if I should just get the number out and leave her phone in my locker. I decide against it as the idea of texting M from Iyana's phone crosses my mind. It is a horrible thing to toss her into the middle of all of this, but I won't pretend to be her.
Walking into class I see that my usual seat is taken. Today I don't mind at all because I take the second seat in the corner. I am still close enough to not raise anymore suspicion, and since I am usually good in class hopefully I won't raise too much attention to my phone collage.
The sound of a lecture beginning use to be something that sent my money on a journey of wonder. Now it is just background noise droning about. I know why it is. It's the attack that won't let me be me again. It's the attack that won't allow me to go back to the way things were. I should probably try looking at that as just an attack, just a kid roughing me up on the play ground. I mean, if I just remind myself that that time doesn't count for all anyone else knows I am still a virgin. I will have to let that way of dealing with that particular situation sink in for me a bit as well.
It's not just that that is bothering me of course. It's the fact that I need to find out what happened to my sister. We were never truly close in the sense that we opened up to each other, but I never had a doubt that she cared about me. I know she defended me as much as she could when it came to my parents. Now I have to defend her by finding out what's happening to her.
I try to doodle on my paper, which is something my notebooks had been completely free of up until this point. I need a way for my teacher to not suspect me of not paying attention. I look at the clock and see that it has been about fifteen minutes. I need to pay attention to the phones. I resist the curious urge to go through her phone and see what life is like for her. I am obviously new at this because I hastily look up as I scroll though her contacts list every few moments. I am surprised that I am not sweating yet. I feel like such a delinquent for doing this in class.
Finally I see the one name with a cell phone number marked M. I add it into my phone. I allow myself a barely audible sigh of relief that it's over. Now that I have his number I am afraid to decide on how to proceed next.
I look back at Iyana's phone remembering that I need to make sure she can't tell that I looked at his number specifically. I am sure she won't care or even think to check especially with how excited she is over her foot-ball playing crush, but I would rather cover my tracks. She didn't even think to ask how I lost numbers, and not that I think of it it was a pretty lame excuse. I decide to go to a number I could have easily misplaced that we would both have in common and I see that the name under the sketchy 'M' is Maria.
I am more than certain that Iyana would have no reason to have my sisters number in her phone. They barely even said hello to one another. Just for kicks I boldly decide to search through. I'm such a rebel today.
I look at the number and my chest knots up. I check my phone to make sure that what I am seeing couldn't be right. Oddly, it is. I feel like my body realizes something I don't because my best friend having my sisters number should not be a big deal. I am just freaking out over small details because of everything that is going on.
I swipe to see the history she has calls and text to Maria. Surely there could be nothing more than a simple 'hey where is Kayla?'.
This is what my body knew that I didn't.Maria talked to my sister on the phone for an hour. Iyana talked to Mariaaround the time she disappeared.
Marys's schools name
Intel on mary's where abouts
Should this have a place in the story. Joey has a crush on Iyana.
Add in her last name.