Joanna sat on her son's chair next to the front window for the entire night. She closed her eyes here and there but never achieved the sanctuary of sleep. The sun rose outside and shone through the window in front of her making Justin's tiny hanprints almost appear to glow. She rubbed her eyes and tried to focus but her vision was still blurry. Sitting forward Joanna kissed her fingers and placed the kiss on her son's handprint.
I love you baby. I'm so sorry I couldn't let you go, but soon honey, I promise.
Joanna went into the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot and start breakfast for Mark. He had a half day of school today so that everyone could get home and ready for the big christmas concert in the auditorium tonight. She would have to call her mother and tell her that everyone had agreed to meet at apartment 3B at five o'clock to help her accomplish her mission. She wondered if her mother had already stopped and bought the bottle of window cleaner. She wondered if her mother had already had the bottle just waiting for the day Joanna would ask for it. Whichever it was she would put off calling her for as long as she could. She wanted this day to drag on forever. She was determined to clean the handprints but still had no idea how she could make herself do it. She thanked God that her friends were going to be there to support her. She could not possibly do it without them. Marky awoke and staggered into the kitchen half asleep.
Good morning sunshine! How are you feeling baby?
Ok momma. I didn't sleep too good last night. I kept thinking Justin was going to come see me again like he said he would. Every time I heard a noise like the wind or the house creaking I thought Justin would be standing by my bed again.
I'm sorry honey. I didn't sleep either. Today is such a big day, I guess I was just so excited I couldn't fall asleep. You have your concert tonight, and your big solo!
And don't forget the handprints momma. We can let Justin go to heaven today momma. You said that we would. Did you call grandma yet?
No honey I didn't. I am going to I promise ok? As soon as I get you off to school I will give her a call.
Momma? Can you please call her before I have to go to the bus stop? I don't want to be worried about it all day in school. Grandma has to bring the window cleaner so we can clean the handprints.
Joanna felt instantly ashamed of herself. Here she was a grown woman afraid to call her mother about window cleaner while her 8 year old son was steady as a rock.
Ok honey. You're right. I'm just stalling. I'm just so afraid honey. Thank God I have such a brave little boy like you baby. We will call grandma as soon as you get dressed for school ok?
Ok momma.
Marky ran to his room to get his clothes on so he and his mother could call grandma and be set for what they needed to do this afternoon. He quickly brushed his teeth and rushed back out to the living room still with 15 minutes till his bus would arrive. Joanna called her mother and asked her to please be at apartment 3B by 5 oclock with the glass cleaner. Marky then got on the phone to talk to his grandma about the big concert that evening. She told him that he had practiced so hard and she was so proud of him. She said she just knew he would knock everyones socks off with his solo and she couldn't wait to hear it. Mark asked her in a quiet voice if she thought his momma would be there to hear it too and she told him yes. They would make sure of it. With everyone around who loves her she would be able to clean the handprints and see him play his wonderful solo. Mark smiled as he told his grandma goodbye and that he loved her but in the back of his mind he still felt a nagging doubt. Would momma be strong enough to do it? She had to, that's all there is to it. Justin wants to go to heaven so he would do anything he could to make sure his momma would let him go.
Marky honey, bus is here! Bye honey, I love you!
Love you too momma!
Mark ran out of the apartment and took the steps two at a time to get to the first floor and catch the bus. His mother watched the bus pull away from the same window Justin had watched the outside world before he was taken from her. She again dropped to her knees in front of the window and prayed for the strength to do what needed to be done. She finished her prayer and headed to the bathroom to shower and try to mentally prepare herself for the torture she was certain she would be feeling later that day.
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Walking down the hall and passing apartment 3B one wouldn't notice anything different than any other door in this building. Would never know that just inside that door was a mother trying to do the hardest thing she had ever done. Would have no idea of the pain that was being felt in that particular unit or the amount of support that was being shown by a few loving, kind souls who had gathered inside this day.
Joanna was kneeling before the window with the window cleaner in her hand. She had yet to spray any on the window. Just behind her was Marky silently praying for her to find the strength to pull the trigger. Beside him was kind old Mr. Olan with a sad but determined look on his face as he watched the suffering woman in front of him. Whatever it took he would not let his friend Mark's heart be broken again this day. Sitting in Justin's chair was Carey, Justin's most best friend with tears streaming down her face but joy in her heart because she wanted her friend to go to heaven and be an angel, and she believed that was just about to happen. Christa stood off a little bit from the scene because her senses were being overwhelmed by all the emotion in everyones spirit in the room. And next to Joanna was her mother, also kneeling. She was staring straight ahead at the handprints, all of her supportive strength now gone as the time grew closer. She was a mess of sobs and tears. Marky went up and tapped his grandma on the shoulder. She wiped her eyes and looked at her sweet little grandson.
It's ok grandma, you can step back, I can help momma.
Thank you Marky. I tell you I have never seen a boy as strong or as good as you. Do you know that?
Mark simply nodded his head and then knelt down next to his mother. He reached up and wiped the tears from his mothers face. He then pulled a row of paper towels off of the roll that Joanna had yet to even touch and handed them to his mother.
Here momma. I'll spray the window and all you have to do is wipe ok? You have to be the one to wipe the handprints off momma. You have to, for Justin.
Ok honey. I'm ready. Go ahead. She pulled more paper towels off the roll and wiped her eyes with them. Then she looked on in horror as Marky pulled the trigger and sprayed a shot of window cleaner directly onto his dead brother's tiny handprint. In that instant she realized that she was not ready as she said. She let out a primal, pained scream and tears raced down her cheeks falling off of her chin in constant drips.
Oh God! Justin! Why? Why? I love you so much baby, so much! God, why did you take my baby? He was only four years old! I'm sorry Justin baby, I will never forget you!
As Joanna screamed and cried Carey made her way over to Joanna and placed her little hand on Joanna's shoulder.
You can do it Miss Joanna. I know you can. Justin knows you can too. We have to let him go now Miss Joanna. He's been waiting so long.
Carey really was the sweetest little girl, and so smart for her age. She remained at Joanna and Mark's side waiting for Joanna to move on. Kind old Mr. Olan and Christa both stepped forward now as well both placing their hands on Mark and Joanna. Joanna's mother came and kneeled back between her grandson and her daughter and put her arm around both of them. With this protective layer of love around her Joanna focused on the handprints and raised her hand with the paper towels. She let out a sob as the towels tore straight through the tiny handprint of her lost son. She felt more emotion than she had ever felt in her entire life. First horror at what she had done, then saddness that her memorial was to be gone, but then also something different. Something unexpected. She felt more normal. She felt loved. It was as if while cleaning the handprints off of the glass she was also cleaning her soul. She was putting her heart back together. She was healing. Everyone was in tears as Joanna finished cleaning the entire window where Justin used to spend his days. Everyone gathered close and hugged and kissed and told Joanna she had done the right thing and they were proud of her. Mark excitedly asked his mother if she would go to his christmas concert and be able to hear his solo and she replied that she absolutely would. Just then the sun shined bright through the newly cleaned window and as Joanna moved the chair away from it for the first time in two years she thought she heard Justin from far away say thank you momma. Joanna looked at the others and came to the realization that no one else had heard it. She felt her knees buckle as she was simply overwhelmed with emotion. She fainted and fell to the floor. Christa and Mr. Olan helped her to the couch and Christa put her hands on either side of Joanna's head and then made a face of pure concentration, Everyone in the room stopped and waited for Christa to finish. Slowly she opened her eyes and looked at the others.
She's ok, she just needs a little while and she'll be fine. You guys go ahead and get to the school so Marky isn't late. We will catch up in just a little while, I promise.
Mark walked over and kissed his mother's cheek then picked up his violin and headed out the door with Carey and Mr. Olan and his grandmother. As he passed through the door he said another silent prayer. This one was to ask God to help his mother get to his concert and see his solo.