Under the Blood Moon
Thirteen
I sit in my office, relieved to finally be home, even though I still don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Just breathing makes my skin crawl. Ever since Hope and I brought everyone home two days ago, both of us have kept ourselves secluded in my office, only coming out to use the bathroom. Neither of us feel safe enough to leave. I haven't eaten anything, unable to make myself, and neither has Hope. The first thing I did the morning after getting home was check to see if Achilles had gotten us pregnant. Thankfully, Hope and I both are in the clear. We both had been in my office when I preformed the spell, and cried in each others arms afterwards. Both of us continue to shut everyone else out. I haven't talked to Cauis since coming home, and Hope hasn't talked to anyone other than me. Nikiya and Abigail make sure to come in and check on us every hour, but neither of them know how to help. There's nothing anyone can do. We were raped, and by the same person. The only other living soul that understands is Hope.
Every time one of them come into my office, Hope stops talking about whatever it is she is, and looks at the floor until they leave. She doesn't say a word to them, she just lets me do all the talking. Neither of us talk about Achilles, other than when I told her Cauis killed him. I had meant to keep my promise to Septimus, but after what happened, I knew I wouldn't be able to. If Cauis had not gotten to him, Hope and I would have searched every corner of the world for him. There would have been nothing Septimus could do to stop us.
I still hold a lot of anger inside me about what happened. But it's mostly shadowed with shame and guilt. I know it wasn't my fault, nor anyone else's other than Achilles', but that doesn't make me feel better. I know he can no longer hurt anyone, but I still search for him anytime I do leave the protection of my office. I know I'm being ridiculous, but I just can't help it. Every time I do leave, Cauis is sitting directly outside, just waiting for me, Miles too. Cauis always escorts me to the bathroom, and waits for me patiently outside, and then walks back with me. He doesn't try to touch me, nor does he say anything. He's just there.
His constant presence actually makes me angrier. I can't explain it, but him just always being there infuriates me to a whole new level. The last time I had gone to the bathroom, I ended up slamming my office door in Cauis' face.
Hope isn't doing good either. She rants and raves every time she comes back from the bathroom. Miles does the same thing as Cauis, but he tries talking to her. He's never tried touching her, which is the only comforting thing Hope says when she comes back. Thanks to my spell making it impossible for anyone to hear outside the room, Hope and I can scream until we feel slightly better. But the small relief it brings never lasts for more than just a few seconds. And screaming, I learned, doesn't work for me. It just makes me recall the whole experience all over again. Not that I can think about anything else.
My office door suddenly opens, making Hope and I both jump out of our skin. Hope jumps from her chair, and instantly puts her back against the far wall. I stand abruptly from my chair, and force my breathing to go back down when I see it's just Nikiya. "Knock next time." I scold her harshly, sitting back down in my chair.
Nikiya shuts the door behind her, leaving it opened just a crack. I noticed today she's started doing that. I think it's so Cauis and Miles can hear in here for as long as Nikiya or Abigail are in here. "I'm sorry, Esmerelda." She says stepping further into the room. Her eyes flick over to Hope, and she asks, "How are you doing Hope?"
Like always, Hope just stares down at the floor. Nikiya nods her head, giving Hope a sad look. "What do you want?" I spit at her. I don't mean to sound so rude to everyone other than Hope, I just can't help it. It's all the shame and guilt I'm feeling being funneled into one feeling. Rage.
Nikiya snaps her head around to me and tilts her head to one side. "I was wanting to know if you want to go outside? Maybe get some fresh air?"
I give her a hard look. "I think we're okay. Right, Hope?" I ask her looking away from Nikiya.
Hope nods her head, keeping her eyes on the floor.
I look back over to Nikiya and shrug my shoulders. "We're fine."
Nikiya opens the door behind her, not turning to look as she does it. When the door is fully opened behind her, I give her a look. She lets out a sigh, and says, "It's really nice out, Your Maje-"
I come out of my chair, and fly across the desk at her. "Do not call me that!" I scream at her as I grab hold of her long dark brown hair. I grip it tightly, and throw her out of my office, stalking after her. Cauis and Miles come out of their protective chairs, and take a step away from my sudden appearance. I look around the room, seeing the whole pack sitting in the living room. I stand straight, and give each of them a hard look. "No one is to ever call me Your Majesty again. Is that understood?" I yell at them. My eyes settle on Septimus for just a second before Luke flashes over to Nikiya, helping her to her feet. She straightens her shirt over her growing stomach, making me feel even worse for treating my best friend like that while she's pregnant. "I'm sorry, Nikiya." I say quietly to her, and turn back to my office.
"Esmerelda, wait!" I hear Cauis say to my left. "Leave us." He orders to the group. I look back into my office, seeing Hope's wide eyes. She's never seen me angry like this before. No one has. This isn't me, but I guess it is now.
"Give me a minute," I say to her softly, and close the door. I turn to Cauis, hating the look he always has on his face now. His eyes are always sad, like my own, and his hair hasn't been combed in days, just like mine. I shower twice a day now, desperate to feel clean, but never succeeding. I never brush my hair, just letting it air dry. I can't bring myself to do anything with myself. I just feel dead inside. "What?" I snap at him.
His face falls at my tone. He takes a step forward, and I step away automatically. "Please," he says quietly as he stops walking forward, "let me help you."
I clinch my jaw and spit at him through my teeth, "You can't help me, Cauis!" I ball my hands into fists, making my nails dig into my palm. Feeling pain is better than how I feel right now.
He drops his head, making me hate myself even more. I just can't calm this rage inside of me. Cauis closes his eyes, and drops his shoulders. "Please," he breathes.
I shake my head and grunt at him. "What is your plan here, Cauis? What do you think will make me feel better? Forcing me to talk about it? Or how about holding me? I don't want you to touch me. Ever. And I sure as hell will not talk about it. Just leave Hope and I alone. You've done enough."
Cauis snaps his head up at me, and swallows hard. He bites down hard on his bottom lip, forcing himself not to say anything. He nods his head at me after a moment, and sighs. There is nothing he can do or say that I don't already know. Nothing will help.
I turn back around, and throw my office door open. I step in, seeing Hope reoccupying her chair, and slam the door behind me. Hope doesn't look over at me as I walk in. My breathing is rapid as I walk around my desk, and take my seat. Hope looks over the desk as me, and at the same time, we begin to scream.
Two weeks later
Hope and I are able to move about the house now, but only if the other is around. I have moved out of my bedroom that I share with Cauis, and Hope out of hers with Miles. We moved into the pool house, so I guess this is the only place we feel safe enough to move about freely. Every other night, Cauis will bring Valerio to me, letting him sleep with Hope and I. This is not ideal, but the main house is just too much for us. The pool house has two bedrooms in it, but Hope and I share one.
Hope refuses to let Miles visit her. I don't blame her, the only time I want to see Cauis is when he bring Valerio to me. Tonight is my night to have him too. My body hurts from head to toe, and I'm sure it's from sleep deprivation. Every time I close my eyes, Achilles is smiling evilly down at me. Even when I blink sometimes, he's there. I have a feeling it's the same for Hope, because neither of us has slept in four days. We just watch movies all night and day. Mostly horror or action, because we can't stand romance movies anymore. The first one we tried watching was Sweet Home Alabama. Hope had thrown the remote, cracking the TV, at Reece Witherspoon. I understood her anger at the time. Reece Witherspoon's biggest worry was she had two guys to choose from? Girl, please.
Hope and I are currently cleaning up our dinner when Cauis knocks on the pool house door. I set the dishes down in the in the water, and move to answer it. I wipe my hands on my jeans, and look over at Hope. She's sitting at the breakfast bar, bobbing her head to music playing from the bluetooth speaker. She reaches over, and turns down Bishop Briggs' Hi-Lo, and then I open the door. My eyes instantly land on Cauis, seeing that he's not holding up very well. He looks like he's not sleeping either. Valerio bounces in his arms, giggling when he sees me. I give Cauis a small smile, silently thanking him for still keeping it together enough for our son. Cauis perks up a little, and smiles back at me. In all honesty, this is the first smile I've given him since coming home. It feels weird on my face.
I take a step back, allowing him to come inside. "Hi, Hope." Cauis greets as I shut the door. Cauis is the only one Hope has allowed to start talking to her. She doesn't really say anything back, but will on occasion. I think their time as prisoners has bonded them in a way that even she can't deny. Cauis was able to get her out of there, so it makes sense that he's the first one she talked to outside of me.
Hope looks over at him and waves her hand.
"How are you today?" Cauis presses gently. He can tell when Hope has had enough of his question, so he knows he can push her a little before she'll completely tune him out.
Hope nods her head, and says, "Fine." It's always fine. We both know the truth though.
We're drowning.
"That's good." Cauis says to her smiling a little. He looks over at me and continues to smile. "And how are you doing?" He asks a little heavier.
I wrap my arms around myself, and look down at the floor. "Fine." I reply quietly.
"Good." Cauis' voice drops, knowing I'm not fine, but choosing to believe the obvious lie. "Wanna see something amazing?" He continues, a little excitement coming from him.
I look up at him confused. What could possibly be amazing? Cauis doesn't wait for me to answer. He takes a few steps away from me, and set Valerio down on his feet. He keeps a hold of his tiny hands, and I gasp. My eyes go wide as Cauis slowly lets go of our sons' hands. I squat down in my place, and hold my arms out in front of me. I smile at my son as he wobbles a little, before taking a tiny step. The smile on my face brightens as he giggles, and then I feel my eyes burn as tears fill them.
"Come here, little one." I say as pure bliss consumes me. It's the first time in weeks that I feel something other than anger.
Valerio giggles as he claps his tiny hands, and then he takes another step towards me. When he gets to me, I wrap my arms around him tightly, and spin us around. I gush at him, and kiss him fiercely on his cheek. I look back over to Cauis, smiling brightly. "When did he start walking?" I ask him coming closer to him.
Cauis swallows, and shrugs his shoulders, rearranging his face quickly. "Just today. Nikiya has been working with him on it."
I smile at Cauis, and then look down to my growing son on my hip. "Tell her I said thank you."
"Of course." Cauis replies.
The room grows quiet, the only sound coming from Valerio's babble. Cauis clears his throat after a minute, and says, "Well, I'll let you two get back to whatever you were doing." He takes a step forward, and then stops.
I look up at him, still smiling from Valerio's ability to walk now. I look at him confused, and ask, "What?"
Cauis shakes his head, returning my smile. "Nothing," he starts and then chuckles a little. "It's just, you're blocking me from leaving." He says pointing with his chin to the door right behind me.
"Oh!" I exclaim and quickly move. I hadn't even realized how close Cauis had gotten to me. My only thoughts were on Valerio. Cauis laughs a little, but drops his head.
He reaches for the door handle, and pulls on it while saying, "Have a good night ladies." When he closes it, I just stare at it.
I turn around to Hope. She comes off her stool, and reaches for Valerio. I pass him to her, chewing on my bottom lip. Hope looks at me, her eyebrows scrunching together. "What is it?" She asks me.
I have a sudden desire to have Cauis around. But how will Hope feel with him here? I can't leave her, I know that. I mean, they do talk, but I don't know how she would react to him just watching a movie with us. I decide to take a leap. "Do you mind if Cauis watches a movie with us?" I ask her quickly, forcing the words out of my mouth.
Hope eyes widen. "Uh," she says quietly looking down at Valerio. She shakes her head a few times and then looks back to me. "I don't have a problem with it. But, just one movie. Please."
I nod my head at her and smile. "Yeah, just one." I turn around and grab the door handle. "Pick a movie, I'll be right back." I rip the door open and practically run out. "Cauis!" I call just as he's getting to the back door.
He stops in his tracks, and turns around quickly. "What is it?" He asks alarmed.
I rush over to him, coming close to him again. I begin raising my hand to put it on his chest, but stop myself. My eyes are level with his chest, so I can tell he's stopped breathing. I take a calming breath, and take a small step back, dropping my arm. I lick my lips, and bring my eyes up to look at him. His eyes are searching all over my face, darting in every direction.
"What is it, Esmerelda?" He asks again seeming out of breath.
I lick my lips again, suddenly nervous. I've been so awful to him these last few weeks, what if he doesn't want to spend time with me? I wouldn't blame him. I have been horrible. I've snapped at him, called him names, even once thrown a glass at him. I'm just thankful now that he had ducked out of the way before it shattered behind him. I look back down at our feet, and force my mouth to open. "Do you want to watch a movie with Hope and I?" I breath out rapidly. I doubt he could even understand what I had just asked.
I see Cauis' right foot take a tiny step back as he answers saying, "I'd love to." My head snaps up, a small smile already on our faces. Cauis quickly looks over my shoulder, back to the pool house. "Are you sure Hope is okay with this?"
I continue to smile up at him. "She's okay with it, as long as it's just one movie." I add the last part a little apologetically. I may want him around, but I can't push Hope.
Cauis beams down at me. He moves his arm up, but he doesn't touch me. He motions for me to go back to the pool house, a bright smile on his worn out looking face. As I turn to head back, I catch a glimpse of Miles standing just to the right of the door. He's staring at us, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. He looks about as good as Cauis. I nod my head at him, and give him my back. Cauis and I walk back to the pool house, sneaking peaks at each other.
I open the pool house door, and step inside with a smile on my face. Hope has set Valerio down on the floor, keeping him between her legs. She doesn't look over at us, just continues to stare down at Valerio. "What are we watching?" I ask as I come and sit beside her.
Hope shrugs, and says, "I was thinking another Marvel movie tonight."
"Which one?" Cauis asks, taking a seat in the chair next to the couch we're sitting on.
Hope looks over to him, and then points to the DVD stand. "Your choice. We watched Deadpool last night, so not that one."
Cauis chuckles, and then gets back out of the chair. He looks over the selection for a moment, and then pulls one from the shelf. "How about this?" He asks showing us Spiderman: Homecoming.
I smile at him, and then look over at Hope. "I'm fine with that."
Hope nods her head, and then looks back down at Valerio, who is now bouncing up and down while sucking on his shirt collar. Cauis moves, and puts the DVD in the player. Hope grabs the remote to the new TV, and turns it on.
Cauis sits back in the chair, and starts moving around oddly. He straightens his back fully, even extending his neck, and then will hunch all the way over, folding himself. I look at him weirdly, and then look over at Hope. She studies him, and then shrugs her shoulders at me.
I look back over to Cauis as he leans heavily on the right arm of the chair. "What are you doing?" I ask him.
He looks over at me, and then points to the TV. "There's a glare."
My face falls, remember that we never put curtains up in here. I chew on the inside of my cheek. He won't be able to enjoy the movie at all if he can't see it. I look down to the empty spot beside me, and bite down harder on my cheek. I glance up to Cauis, and then back down to the cushion. I reach my hand out, and place it on the spot. I look up to him, and quietly say, "You can sit by me." My voice shakes a little. Am I ready to be so close to him for over an hour? Can I handle it?
Cauis cocks his head, and looks at the section my hand is on. "Are you sure?"
I nod my head, not trusting my voice. I want to spend time with him, and he won't be able to watching the movie staying over there. I can do this for one movie. I take a deep breath as Cauis slowly stands from his chair. He comes over hesitantly, and then sits, pushing himself as far to the edge as he can.
I turn my head to the screen, and wrap my arms around myself, willing my breathing to come out normally. It comes out shaky, but eventually levels out. I'm not sure if it's from me not having slept for so long, or Cauis' closeness after so long, but at some point, I end up falling asleep during the movie.
Cauis
Esmerelda's head drops forwards halfway through the movie. Her breathing had been rapid and panicked for some time, but slowly turned back to normal. I look over to her when her head droops, seeing her eyes closed. Her breathing is completely even, and after a minute, her arms that she's had wrapped around her fall into her lap. I look over her head to Hope, and whisper, "When's the last time she slept?"
Hope looks over, and shrugs her shoulders. "Been a few days for both of us." She replies quietly, and then turns back to the movie.
I grind my teeth together as I look back down to Esmerelda. I can't be mad at her. I haven't slept in a few days either. My days are filled with trying to come up with a plan with Miles on how to help them. Neither of us can come up with anything though. My nights are filled with me pacing back and forth in our empty bedroom, occasionally coming to stand at the window and look down at the pool house. I had know before I came down today that they haven't slept. The lights are always on down here.
I want to move Esmerelda's head back so her neck doesn't hurt, but don't want to touch her and wake her up. I'm sure it will cause her to freak out. I haven't touched her once, making sure to always put space between us. It almost knocked me off my feet earlier when she hadn't realized how close we were to each other when I tried to leave. I just thought she would have moved. She always does. Seeing her genuinely smile at Valerio had knocked the air from my lungs. I had almost forgotten what it looked like when she smiles. And then, when she nearly touched my chest after running to me, I almost grabbed her and pulled her into my arms.
I have to be patient with her. I have to let her come to me. I can't force anything with her. When she's ready, she'll come back to me. At least, that's what Miles and I keep telling each other on a daily basis now. I know he longs for Hope the way I do Esmerelda. But, they have to make the first move. It kills Miles even more since Hope won't let him see her. I don't know what I would do if Esmerelda had done the same. But I guess she doesn't have that option since we have Valerio.
When the movie is nearly finished, Esmerelda begins to fall to one side. My breathing stops as her head comes and rests on my left shoulder. My eyes widen as they look over her to Hope. She gives me a look, and then turns her head back.
Just as the credits begin rolling, Hope grabs the remote, and turns the TV off. "I'm gonna go into the bedroom. You can either move her in there with me, or stay. Either way, I'm going in there."
I swallow and look down at the top of Esmerelda's head. I don't want to move. She may be asleep, but this is the first time she's touched me in so long. I need to feel her against me. I swallow again, and look up as Hope stands up. "I'll stay here, if that's okay with you?" I whisper. It does make me feel special that Hope talks to me. I know none of us will every really get over what happened, but for Hope to start talking to me gives me hope that it's possible.
"It's fine, Cauis." She says quietly. She points to Valerio who is fast asleep on the floor beside the coffee table. "Is he good there? Or do you want me to put him in the play pin?"
I nod my head and smile at her. "You can put him in the play pin. He won't wake up." It must have been during our three month imprisonment that he finally started sleeping through the night.
Hope gently picks him up, and walks to the play pin. She lays him down, and then puts his stuffed wolf in the pin next to him. "Sleep tight, little dude." She whispers to him and then goes towards the hall leading to the the bedrooms. Hope pauses, and then looks over her shoulder to Esmerelda and I. "I'm not as fragile as she thinks I am." She starts. "I feel like I need to be there for her. If Esmerelda is ready to start healing, then so am I." She tells me, and then walks down the hallway, shutting the bedroom door quietly behind her.
I look down at Esmerelda, and carefully scoot down on the couch, getting comfortable. Is Esmerelda starting to heal? I think she is. This is the first night she's asked me to stay for any amount of time. It may be slow, barely noticeable, but she might be. I really hope she is. I hate seeing her like this, but know she has to do it in her own time. Esmerelda's head falls a little, coming to a rest on my chest. I take a deep breath, her intoxicating scent filling my nose harshly. I close my eyes, and join her in slumber almost immediately.
It's the best I've slept in nearly four months.
Thanks for reading!
~Stefanie