As soon as math class is over, I rush out of the classroom, just hoping that I collected all my belongings before leaving in such a rush.
I don't wait for my orange-haired friend. I'll meet him somewhere downstairs, instead. I just wanted to get out of that room as soon as possible. The tense air was crushing and soon became too much for me to handle. It was painfully awkward and the silence was deafening. With our jaws clenched and eyebrows together in a tight frown, with our movements stiff and even the small breaths we took aversed.
Hyunjin, because of my outburst earlier, basically screaming through the locker hall that he doesn't mean anything to me and that I would happily hand him over to his female fans.
And me, who just had an outburst that got a little personal and every single thing has been heard by the person it was about. I'm feeling guilty and ashamed but I refuse to speak up and genuinely apologize to him. Scared that he might see it as a step towards friendship while I want to keep him as far away as possible.
Something that's either insanely difficult or outright impossible when you basically share the same best friend.
The new boy is already way too close. He's there during the lunch breaks and always sitting close to me in class -and now even next to me. Every exchange of words, every conflict, every contact -good or bad- is too much. It should be none, nonexistent. A bad relationship is also a relationship.
All my instincts told me to flee so that's what I'm doing. Pushing my way through the mass of students to keep ahead of Felix and especially, Hyunjin, until I reach the locker hall. I rush towards my locker and retrieve my coat and other stuff I need to take back home. And then, after I slam the bright yellow metal door shut, I can finally allow my mind and body to relax.
I exhale slowly, momentarily closing my eyes to seek peace in the turmoil. And turmoil it is. I hate the fact that ever since Hyunjin is here, everything seems to be upside down. It's weird how a simple boy could bring that many changes and chaos with him.
As I open my eyes again, I see the two boys approaching me. They're both quiet and I can't possibly miss how the ebony-haired boy refuses to look at me, keeping his eyes trained on the tiled floor.
Well, that's a good thing.
It's not like I want him to be scared of me. It has never been my intention of keeping him away simply based on fear or maybe even hatred. I don't want to be feared, hated. But it does make things easier.
"Hey, Chaellie," Felix greets me as they both reached me. "You were in a hurry."
My eyes linger to the boy next to him, just when he decides to look up and his slender brown eyes meet mine. We just stare at each other for a small span of time before we both avert our gazes. He still looks hurt.
Pang. Guilt.
Part of me wants to tell him how sorry I actually am. It was never my intention to make him feel bad, it's just what happens when you get too close. And for the first time ever, I feel the urge to apologize for what I said, what I did.
But as I think about it, what can I say? What exactly am I sorry for? Yah, I'm sorry but you really mean nothing to me. I just shouldn't have yelled it straight into your face. But uh, please stay away from me from now on.
Because it's true. He doesn't mean anything to me.
As it should.
I shift my gaze and my eyes lock with Felix'. Instantly, he cocks his head to the side and concern takes over his features. I know he's aware of the conflicts in my head, the storm raging behind my eyes.
Felix seems lost. Stuck between me and Hyunjin and not knowing what to do right now. His two friends don't match and now he has to pick a side. If he doesn't decide, and we're staying here now as we are, it's just a matter of time until the tension comes to a breaking point and explodes.
In the end, it's Hyunjin who puts an end to it. He awkwardly clears his throat, sharply cutting through the silence that hung between the three of us. Felix looks up at him. I, delicately, don't.
"I uh, should be going," Hyunjin states. "See you guys tomorrow."
And with that, he slings his bag over his shoulder and spins around, leaving just the two of us. Felix looks after him with a troubled look and I can do nothing but stare at his back as he walks away.
I feel terrible.
I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath. "Hyunjin!" I call out after the boy. I'm not even sure why I did it. But I did it.
Time seems to freeze for a moment as the raven-haired boy stops in his tracks and turns around. His expression is surprised, unsure whether he really heard my voice calling out after him or whether it was just a mere imagination, a misheard call maybe. But his thoughts are confirmed as our eyes meet again.
Everything seems to slow down as we stare at each other. I want to say something but my mind doesn't cooperate, my lips seem to be glued together all of a sudden and I feel at a loss for words for the umphteenth time since I met this boy.
Hyunjin just stands there, patiently waiting for me to say something. Students pass by, the hall is filled with chatter and laughter, and yet I'm struggling to say something. Get yourself together, Chaelin, I scold myself. I blink once, twice, lightly shaking my head to get myself back into reality.
"I'm sorry," I softly say, impossible for him to be heard.
It was more than I imagined myself to be capable of towards a boy.
And he heard it, or at least understood it. The corners of his lips curl up into a bright smile, one that makes his brown eyes sparkle with lights. Then he waves at me, at me, before he spins around once more and jogs towards the school's exit.
And then he's gone.
And I feel like I've never felt before.
And how I'll never allow myself to feel again.
--
I'm on a roll