⏳ ZOE, June
When I came home from work on my last shift before we were supposed to leave for our honeymoon, I couldn't find Adam anywhere. It was the third day after his latest chemo treatment so he wasn't exactly in the best state to be leaving the house this late in the evening, but I figured he could've possibly gone to visit his brother.
I dropped my groceries down on the counter and sent him a text asking where he was.
"Hey puppy, where's your dad?" I said to Joplin and now that I had my hands free, I finally got on my knees and gave her some much needed love. I looked over my shoulder into her food bowl. "You've been fed recently so he isn't too far," I said and gave her belly a rub.
I didn't know how long it'd been since she'd gone outside to pee so I slid the door open and let her go out into the backyard to hang out while I put away the groceries.
He still hadn't replied to my text by the time I was done putting everything away in the cupboards or the fridge, but then I heard some noise in the garage so I decided to go in there and investigate further.
"Hey, I was looking for you," I said when I found him. He was crouched on the floor, halfway underneath one of his cars, the vintage one that we didn't use regularly. Actually, I was pretty sure I'd only been in it two or three times.
He grunted as a greeting. He didn't speak. He didn't make any effort to look at me. He just kept working, and I got the feeling that something wasn't OK.
I sat down on the floor next to him and watched as he worked.
"Careful, you might get some drops on you," he said, throwing his wrench onto the concrete floor and then quickly moving out from underneath the vehicle. I stood up just in time. The oil started to stream out from the hole now that he'd unscrewed the plug. The dark liquid fell into the rectangular pan underneath.
"You've been keeping busy," I said and leaned against the hood of his other car instead, a safer distance away.
"Mhm," he shrugged and wiped his gloved hands quickly onto a used rag.
"Have you eaten dinner yet?" I asked him, trying to keep my tone casual.
He didn't respond.
I was beginning to feel a bit unnerved as I watched him move around. He was standing with his hands on his hips now, surveying the engine of the car. I looked around at the usually tidy space. There were tools everywhere at the moment, and he was usually really particular about keeping his garage clean, so it led me to believe he'd been here a while.
"I've been thinking," Adam said quickly, still not meeting my gaze. Now he was looking around for something on his workbench. I didn't know anything about mechanical work, but his movements seemed almost erratic. I wondered if he was doing more harm than good.
"I'm gonna sell the cars. I'm not fit to drive anymore. So what's the point? I'm gonna sell the cars and the motorcycle. You've got yours so we don't need anything else. I'll sell the boat too. That's a good idea. It's just a waste of space. I'll sell everything. Then you can take time off and we can go somewhere later this year. We'll have money to rent a cabin and go camping in Washington. It'll be perfect when the leaves start changing colors."
OK, wow. This was all coming at me way too fast.
"Babe, did something happen today?" I asked cautiously.
He looked up and blinked a few times, his mouth gaping slightly as if he was surprised to see me standing there. "I'm fine," he said and checked the oil that was still draining into the pan.
"You're clearly not fine," I argued back.
He turned onto me and glared.
I took a step back, stunned.
"You promised," he said harshly. I'd only ever heard him speak to me like that when he was out of his mind in pain. I thought about the time when I attempted to comfort him after his first chemo treatment, when he was throwing up in the bathroom upstairs. He was so angry then too, but in a blink the emotion had vanished and he told me he was sorry. This time, he didn't. "You said you wouldn't pry. So please don't. Not right now. Just leave me alone."
I raised my hands up defensively.
"OK, just come inside when you're ready," I said and just left him there to figure out whatever he needed to figure out. He'd come back to me in time.
I mean, he kind of had to. We were leaving for North Carolina in two days and I was planning to have a really good time with my husband.
I heated up some leftovers and ate alone at the breakfast nook, staring out into the backyard at Joplin. She was sniffing the grass near the fence, and I found myself thinking how liberating it'd be to be her right now. I wouldn't have to worry about anything except food, squirrels and tennis balls. I sighed. It kind of sucked, feeling this helpless, but I knew Adam and I understood his personality well enough by now to know when to just back off and let him be. He wasn't going to push me away forever. He'd eventually open up. He'd made a promise too.
So I called Skye and made plans to go see a movie with her and Beatrice. Girls' night out, that'd be fun! Then I called Calvin, which I realized was probably a little bit weird, but only after I'd already started to dial him. I usually just texted him, so I hoped he wouldn't jump to conclusions and assume something was really wrong.
"Hey," I said, trying to keep my tone level when he answered on the third ring.
"Hey, little sis-in-law," he greeted me. He sounded out of breath and I could hear some chatter in the background. "Everything OK?" he asked.
"Yeah, everything's fine," I answered, stretching the truth just slightly. I put the empty Tupperware container in the sink and added my plate, fork and knife along with it. The dishwasher was full of clean dishes so I'd have to put those away later too. "I'm going out with my sister and my niece in a little bit. We're gonna spend a bit of girl time."
There were more shuffling sounds on his end that I couldn't place. "Cool, sweet, you deserve some time for yourself," he said.
"Yeah, but I don't really know if I should be leaving Adam alone right now," I said softly, looking over my shoulder to make sure the door to the garage was still closed. I moved into the living room, where he'd be less likely to overhear me. "He's in a... mood. I don't really know what's going on. I got home and he was—I don't know. But he's not talking. I thought maybe you could come over and work your magic? Maybe let him beat your ass a little at Mario Kart, or whatever," I shrugged.
"Pfft, please, I wouldn't let him beat my ass even if he was dying of cancer—oh wait," he chuckled and then sighed heavily, his true emotions appearing underneath the tough man act he was trying to pull over me. "I'll be there. I'm just finishing up at the gym. Don't tell him anything. We can just pretend I showed up unannounced, that way you'll be in the clear," he offered. "Don't worry, Zo. Byrne men are moody motherfuckers. I really doubt it's got anything to do with you. He's too busy constantly eye-fucking you."
I felt myself blushing suddenly, partly because it was somebody else commenting on my private sex life, and partly because I knew he wasn't lying. Adam did have a tendency to look rather passionately at me, but then I spent a lot of time eye-fucking him too so we were completely even.
But now I had something entirely new to worry about that I hadn't even considered before. Was he mad at me? Did I do something to piss him off? As I went upstairs to get ready, I found myself retracing all of my steps over the weekend. I couldn't think of anything, and by the time I was changed and had makeup on, I decided that whatever had happened, it probably happened today while I was at work.
It didn't make me feel much better.
How I felt didn't really matter right now though. I made vows to be take care of him and be there for him through better or worse, and this was a little sneak preview of the 'worse' that was to come. He was allowed to be angry. He was allowed to be upset. He was allowed to yell and throw things and dump it all on me.
I could take it, because I knew there was still some 'better' left to come too.
So I went to the movies with Skye and Beatrice and tried to relax. We got to see the latest superhero flick that Bizzy had been raving about and it was great. We ate buttery theater popcorn and played a few games of air hockey in the arcade section. It was a relief to be away for a while and have some time for myself, but after the end credits had rolled and we'd used up all of our arcade coins, I was anxious to get back.
"Tell Adam I said hey, OK?" Skye said when we were about to part ways in the parking lot. She toyed around with her keys while hovering by the driver's side door. Beatrice was already beginning to fall asleep in her car seat.
"I'll tell him," I told her.
"And have fun this week," she grinned.
"We will, the weather's supposed to be awesome," I nodded and adjusted the strap of my purse, mostly so that I'd have something to do with my hands.
"I love you," Skye said, which was a little bit out of the blue. She could probably tell how I was feeling and she was telling me she was right there for me, without having to say the words out loud at all.
"I love you too," I said and hugged her.
"Be safe, Zo-zo," she smiled and kissed the top of my head the way our dad used to.
"I will, don't worry," I smiled back.
But I knew she was already worrying about me. She was my big sister. It was her job.
I had to walk a bit further to get to my car, but I didn't really mind. It was still warm and there were lights everywhere making it a bit less creepy to be out here alone. I climbed in, buckled up, put the key in the ignition and backed out of my space.
During the drive back, I had half a mind to go to stay at my apartment tonight. I hadn't been there in a while, except to get my mail and make sure everything was OK. A lot of my stuff was at Adam's now. I was planning on moving out completely so that I wouldn't be paying rent for no reason, but I still hadn't given my landlord any notice.
In the end, I decided to go back to Adam. We'd slept in the same bed ever since our wedding night and I didn't want to change that up now.
The first thing I heard when I walked through the door was laughter. It came from all the way upstairs, and when I followed the noise I found Adam and Calvin playing video games together. Adam was sitting in bed with his back against the headboard, while Calvin was spread out at the foot of the bed with his legs dangling slightly off the side.
They were screaming profanities at each other and telling each other to suck on every inch of it. Well then, things were obviously going great in here.
I grabbed my pajamas and changed quickly in the bathroom. When I returned, the game was still going strong. "Who's blue and who's orange?" I asked and got on my side of the bed.
"I'm blue, obviously, I'm the one winning. By four fucking points, you'd think I was playing against—oh you mother!"
So Adam was winning by four fucking points. Calvin, who was apparently the mother in this particular scenario, was falling a little bit behind with only one point to his name.
5-1, with less than thirty seconds left.
That was about all of the information I needed to be caught up.
The ball zoomed across both screens and once in a while one of the cars would send it flying toward one of the two colored goals. Adam was so good at this game. I'd played it with him before, I probably had a solid ten hours banked, and I never came close to winning against him. Most of the time I forced him to play two against two with me, that way I'd at least have a chance to win. It usually ended with him telling me he couldn't believe he'd fallen in love with somebody that sucked so badly at video games.
"I wanna play Calvin afterward," I said.
"You might actually have a chance," Adam smirked at me.
"Fuck you," Calvin growled and then yelled out a string of curse words that would probably cause Nancy to smack him upside the head. Adam had scored another goal, and right at the end too. He'd won six to one.
They let me play a couple rounds. I was able to keep up with Calvin fairly well, although he still managed to beat me one to zero by scoring during overtime. With Adam, well, I had no shot in hell, even with Calvin backseat gaming in my ear.
"Hey now, don't you yell at my wife like that you son of a bitch!" Adam yelled after a particularly agonizing defeat. Calvin was kneeling on the bed and for a moment it looked like he was ready to pounce. I figured he wouldn't, but I couldn't be 100% sure.
They were acting like children!
"OK, cool down the testosterone, you big babies," I screamed over the both of them, and then started to giggle uncontrollably. I was trying to give them both a stern look that told them I meant business, but how could they possibly take me seriously? "Besides, I'm a grown woman. I can handle a sore loser yelling in my face," I said and stuck out my tongue.
Calvin gaped at me.
Adam started to laugh and leaned down to kiss my bare shoulder, clearly pleased with my comeback. "Oh God, stop making me laugh, it fucking hurts," he croaked out, but he was still going strong, the sound booming throughout the room.
I was right. Some bro-time with Calvin was exactly what Adam needed. We still had some things to talk about, but at least right now he was smiling again.