"Something is wrong. I'm telling you, something is wrong. I can feel it." I stared out the window, "I have to go check on him."
"Gerard... You know you can't do that. I'm sure he's fine." LynZ grabbed my arm in what was most likely an attempt at comforting me, but I shrugged her off. She didn't feel what I felt. "He is, Gerard. I know you don't believe me, but you're just being overdramatic."
"Like hell I am. Something is wrong, and I have to know what it is. I know I can't go see him... but would you? Please, Lyn. I have to know for sure." I met her gaze, and saw her eyes soften.
"Okay, I'll go check. But only to prove that everything is alright so that you can try and stop thinking about him so much," LynZ said with a small, sad smile. I wrapped her in a tight hug, which she returned, "I'm going to take that as a thank you. And you're welcome. I'll leave in the morning and go find out if there's anything going on."
"Can't you go tonight?" I pleaded, knowing I was fighting a losing battle.
"No, Gerard. It's very late, and a few hours won't make much of a difference. It's also Halloween, and I don't feel like dealing with small children. First thing tomorrow I'll go out, I promise."
"But-" I started, but was cut off. Halloween already? That seemed like an important day for some reason, but I couldn't put my finger on why.
"No butts. I know you like butts, but no butts. Now, go lay down for awhile and try and get your mind off things." She took my shoulders and guided me to my room. Maybe she's right; maybe everything is alright and I just miss him. Maybe he's better off without me. He is better off without me...
Thoughts clouded my head once more, and they all revolved around him: Frank. I loved him. I still love him. I'll never stop loving him.
And that's why I'll never be able to see that cheeky smile of his again, or hear his adorable laugh. I'll never curl up in his arms, or smell his off-brand cologne. I'll never get to gaze into his hazel eyes, or hold his hand, which fit so perfectly in mine. I'll never get to tell him how sorry I am for leaving, or tell him how much it's killing me. And I'll never get to call him mine again.
But that's how it has to be. It's how it's always had to be. Because at least this Way, he's safe, and I'll never be able to hurt him. At least, not anymore.
I glanced down at the pencil in my hands and the piece of paper on the desk in front of me, and noticed the beginnings of a face that could only belong to him. I felt a tear slip down my cheek as I started drawing once more, now only having my memories as a reference for every beautiful curve that would grace this page.
A part of me wishes I'd never found him in the woods, and the other part of me knows that if given the chance, I still wouldn't change a goddamn thing about that first night.
———
"Gerard?" I heard a soft knock on my bedroom door just before it opened a crack, "Hey, sorry to bother you. I just came to let you know I'm heading out to check on... things. I'll be back in a little while, don't do anything stupid while I'm gone. And yes, that means absolutely no alcohol." I nodded as she tried to look stern (she didn't.)
"I'll wait right here. No alcohol. Please hurry." This time it was her turn to nod, and she left the room as quickly as she came in.
I stood up from where I'd been seated at my desk and instead flopped backwards on my bed. I decided to try and take my mind off things by counting the dots on the ceiling, but there were only three-thousand six-hundred ninety-two. I counted twice to be sure, hoping that by the time I was done, LynZ would be back. But she wasn't.
I watched the clock for hours, waiting for something, anything, to happen, but nothing did. And that worried me even more.
I watched it turn from noon, to one, to three, to five, but still no LynZ. Still no word about Frank.
I ventured out of my room finally and towards the back door. And then, I went outside hoping the sun would burn my face. I went outside hoping I'd feel something. Well, something other than worry. I stood in the late afternoon sun, feeling the stinging sensation it left on my skin. It reminded me that all of this was real.
Suddenly I heard the door slam open and felt a harsh tugging on my arm, followed by, "get in the house you moron, you'll get burned."
"What's going on, LynZ? How's Frank?!" I wasted no time on her trivial worry of me being out in the sun.
"Well... he's okay... I think." She twisted her hands together as she spoke; she was nervous.
"What's going on? Why don't you know for sure?" I stepped towards her, bracing myself for whatever answer was to come.
"I went to his school, he wasn't there. So I went to the orphanage, and they said he wasn't there either and that he was at school. I went all over town looking and asking anyone that might know him. I even went to his 'parents' house. No one knew anything or had seen him." I felt like throwing up, but I settled for sitting down instead. She cleared her throat and I met her gaze once more, "when I couldn't find anything, I decided to investigate a little more. I snuck into his room at the orphanage, and I found this," she passed me an envelope, "I'm sorry, Gerard."
I carefully opened the envelope and removed the sheets of paper from inside. I unfolded them and recognized Frank's handwriting immediately-
"I'm sorry.
I'm sorry because I have to leave. This orphanage, this school, this town... I have to leave. My mind is made up, and no one can stop me. I'm grateful to everyone that has been kind to me, and I'm grateful for every single friend I've made. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sticking around with me while I was here.
Pete- you've always been my best friend. You have no idea how much I'll miss you. I hope you and patty cakes stay together for a long time. You deserve nothing but happiness. I'm so happy you came here, and I'm thankful for everything you've ever done for me- from getting my flip flop off the roof when we were nine, to getting my converse off the roof when we were fifteen. Our friendship has always just kind of worked, and clearly hasn't changed much. Again, thanks, Pete.
Emma- thank you for standing up for me and being there to keep me on my toes. I don't think I would've survived here if it wasn't for you. I'm really glad we became friends and I'm sorry to leave this way. Thanks for looking out for me, and keeping me in check. And thanks for covering for me so many times. I know you're going to go on to do amazing things, and I know your life will go in whichever way you want it to. Just keep running.
To my 'parents', if you happen to read this, just know that you're part of the reason why I'm leaving. I've learned to be grateful for what you gave me before moving here, and I really do appreciate the sacrifices you made. I'm sorry I was never the son you wanted. But no matter what, mom, I'll always love you, and I know that you'll always love me too. Please don't worry. I'm okay; trust me.
Gerard- there aren't enough words in the world for what I want to say to you. Just know that I understand, and that I forgive you. You gave me so much while I was here, and I can never repay you enough for that. With you, I learned how to accept myself, I learned how to face my fears, I learned how to love.
I love you, Gerard. I always will. No matter where I am, no matter where you are, I love you. Please don't ever forget that. And I know you've been hurting, because I've been hurting too. But that doesn't mean you should take away the pain with alcohol. Please, take care of yourself- for me. I'll miss you. But we both know this is for the best, and this is always how it had to be.
Don't forget me.
Don't forget us.
Don't forget what we shared.
Because it might be easier to forget, and it might hurt less, but we were real. What we had mattered. It still matters. And remembering is hard- remembering hurts. But that's because it's something worth holding onto. It makes you feel something. It makes me feel something. And that's pretty damn important. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Gerard Way, remember this- I'll love you forever. The hardest part of this... is leaving you.
Don't come after me, any of you. I'll already be long gone by the time you read this. Just please take care of yourselves, and know that I'm forever grateful to have been parts of your lives.
So long, and goodnight
xøfrnk"
***
Well, there's only one chapter left now. That's weird to say. This book has been a work in progress for about 4 years now, which is pretty crazy. And also proves I procrastinate. Thank you to those who read this story, it's been a long ride.
Please leave a vote or comment if you like, it would really make my day.
I hope you're all doing well and I'll see you after the next chapter...
Merci pour le venin...