– Thursday, April 12th, –
Oliver is picking me up for practise, kind of forcing me to go, telling me I can't bail on my team. And ever since I read Finnley's letter, promising me he will be back and telling me he can't wait to be back, I've been cheerful enough to deal with people again.
I hate how I still can't talk to Finnley, or even write him back, but I can deal with it. I can deal with it solely because I know he's somewhere safe, waiting the right time to come home again.
His parents are holding back information and it's frustrating me to no end to now know the full story while I feel like I'm more entitled to know everything about Finnley's current and past situation compared to the people who let him down again and again before.
But they're still his parents and the law state's they have to be informed about their son, while I, as his boyfriend, am simply that; his boyfriend.
It's up to his parents to decide what to tell me and what not to tell me, and them sharing the letter is already exceptional since mostly his mother still doesn't seem to fully comprehend and accept me as her son's boyfriend.
Baby steps, just like I'm taking today, getting in the car with Oliver while I'm still upset with him for hanging out with Alex as much as he does.
I know he drove after me, but I feel as if he felt obligated to do so because Sam wouldn't accept no for an answer when he demanded Oliver to make sure I was fine.
"Hello there." Oliver smirks, not aware we're far from good right now, taking me in by looking me up and down.
"Hi." I mumble, sliding in the passenger's seat, buckling up for the ride.
"Still grumpy?" Oliver backs out of the driveway, his smile never wavering.
"Still upset, yes." I shrug, turning to stare out of the window. I wish I wouldn't have gone home to my parents by public transportation, instead taking Finnley's car. I could've driven myself to practise.
"Oh, come on..." Oliver groans, and I can imagine him rolling his eyes in annoyance. "I said I was sorry, didn't I?"
"Sorry doesn't always solve everything."
"I know that..." Oliver mumbles, and I didn't miss the sadness in his voice. "But I really am sorry, Cris. I just..."
"You just?" I press him to go on, wandering what he just... is? Wanted? Was thinking?
"Never mind... Let's just get to practise. We need your scoring ability."
I know they tied last Saturday when I bailed on them. I know they struggled to keep it to a tie, nearly losing because it's all they did; defend the goal with the whole team.
Felix apparently had been sick, and Jaimie was needed midfield, so they had no real offence.
Back then, I couldn't care less. By now, ever since I read the letter, I know this whole mess is going to be temporary, and I'll just have to try my best to keep life moving forward.
"Whatever." I mumble, annoyed because even now that he's supposed to apologize for real, he's not spilling his motives for letting me down.
"Yeah..." Oliver sighs. "I'll tell you, but after practise."
"Why not just now?"
"Because I'm not ready. I want to clear my mind first." Oliver shortly looks at me in the same time I turned to look at him with a deep frown. "Tonight, when I drive you home, okay?"
I shrug, not caring about the fact he probably didn't see me shrug and turn to look out of the side window again. I watch the raindrops hitting the car, the window, the streets we're driving through, allowing myself to remember the night I saw Finnley in the supermarket, and we ended up soaked in his bedroom.
It had been a day prior to us finally getting together. The day before I finally made love to him, showed him my feelings in the most intimate way.
I allow myself to remember how the three of us, Finnley, Oliver and I, sat in the car, Finnley in the brink of confronting Charlie and his parents with the truth.
I allow myself to curse myself for not knowing sooner, years ago even, something terrible happened to him that changed him.
But I shouldn't fuzz over the past, focus on the present, and make sure I'm able to support him to the best of my ability once he's back.
As soon as Oliver and I got out of the car, we separate ways; as if we have an unspoken agreement not to bother each other right now.
Inside the dressing room, I sit down in between Jaimie and Sam, who were laughing over something until I sat down with my frowning face, and Oliver acting grumpy. Almost like he always did when we weren't friends yet. He takes his old spot in between Joshua and Kevin, and dresses up in silence, while I do the same.
I ignore the looks Jaimie and Sam cast our ways, and head outside without waiting for anyone, done with the awkward tension in the dressing room.
"What's up with you?" Sam catches up, pulling me to the side before we reach the field. "I've been trying to reach you all week..."
"I'm just..." I cast my eyes down, my head hanging low. "I'm a bit done right now, Sam."
"Hey, don't give up," Sam tells me, nudging me a bit, forcing me to tilt my head up by using a finger to do so. "I know things are though and it's probably not easy to be around Nathan and Stan right now..."
"How'd you figure out it was about that?"
"I'm not stupid." Sam smirks. "Though I feel like the tension between you and Oliver is a bigger concern right now. You two were thick as thieves and now you're not even talking."
"Nothing new there. We just went back in time a couple of months." I shrug carelessly. "He needs to do whatever he wants and let me do my thing."
"Or, you guys could talk and go back to being friends. He is one of the only people I know that is capable of turning your frown into a smile."
"Well, let him turn Alex' frown into a smile from now on." I grumble annoyed, crossing my arms in a defensive manner.
"O my god, you're jealous!" Sam squeaks out, a sly grin on his face, his elbow nudging me. "I did not see this coming but you totally want Oliver to focus back on you!"
"Wha-what?" How the hell did that one sentence cause him to think I'm jealous? "I'm not jealous! I don't care about them..."
"But you totally do!" Sam laughs in amusement. "Dear god, I know Oliver is considered hot for a guy, I never thought you would fall for him like that."
"I did not fall for him!" I hiss in anger, feeling highly annoyed because Sam won't drop the subject.
"Yeah, you do, just admit it!"
"There's nothing to admit!"
"There is, Cris, come on! Give me a little intel on that gay drama. It's been ages!"
"You seriously are not going to start with that again, are you?" I eye him annoyed, huffing as he chuckles and shrugs.
"I would ship it." Sam nods, looking in the direction of Oliver with amused tingly eyes. "Shipname... Criver."
"Wh..."
"No, wait!" Sam silences me by covering my mouth, sounding enthusiastic "Olivian. Sounds like some sort of passion fruit and let's be honest here, there's tons of passion between you guys."
I squint my eyes at him, while he's still covering my mouth, and mutter, "are you sure you aren't gay yourself?"
He laughs, removing his hand from my mouth, still staring at Oliver. "Olivian. Yeah, totally works."
"No, it doesn't!" I cry out, covering my face. "I love Finn, remember?"
"Oh, right, I was shipping Finnian..." he frowns, puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me towards the field. "But in all seriousness, talk to Oliver. Your friendship means more to you than you're willing to admit right now. Maybe because I'm teasing you. But you know I'm right. You need each other."
"We do not."
"Yes, you do. Because both of you are crumbling apart ever since you two had sex, which caused you both to take your sweet distance."
"It's not because of that," I lie, wondering if Sam might be right. What if sleeping with Oliver is the reason we're struggling with our friendship all of the sudden?
"I don't care what your feelings are." Sam pinches his nose. "You need to talk, and solve it."
* * * * *
For the rest of practise, I ignored both Sam and Oliver, not wanting to think about anything other than soccer right now.
I did my best to get back in grace with the team after bailing on them by remaining serious, showing them everything I've got, and scoring tons of goals. I was on fire tonight, and I feel great and energetic because everything went well. I haven't had such a great practise in years.
But I'm dreading the drive home with Oliver, even though he promised to drop me off at the apartment so I could get Finnley's car to be able to drive around myself too. It won't be as long of a ride as on the way here, it'll be nearly half an hour anyway.
Oliver hasn't said much to me during practise either, and at some point I could swear he was avoiding being close to me too. Then again, I can't blame him for avoiding me, since I was doing the same to him too.
He waited for me to smoke a cigarette with the guys before showering and changing into different clothes.
Oliver is always one of the first to hit the showers, while I'm usually one of the last to finish up.
We walk towards his car in silence and it's actually a bit uncomfortable at first, but then I set aside those feelings, simply focusing on our surroundings until he starts talking.
"Is this how things are going to be between us from now on?" Oliver wonders aloud after about ten minutes, right before we reach the highway to avoid traffic in the city.
"Well, as long as you're not being completely honest with me, I think this is it, yeah." I shrug again, leaning my head against the cool window, my damp hair creating drips on it.
"It's not so much about being honest."
"It is so much about being honest, and how you tried to hide your thing with Alex, and how you're constantly bailing on me when I need you most. It's about the fact I was falling apart, and I told you, and you still felt like a fucking date with a guy you hated not too long ago was more important. It's because I can't stand being alone, I have nobody calming me down whenever I'm having a nightmare, or whenever I remember what it's like t physically drown. I was drowning again, just mentally this time. And you bailed..."
"I like you." He cuts my ranting short, sending me an annoyed look. "Like-like."
I pull up my eyebrows in surprise because I have no idea where that came from. "I like you too, and that's why this upsets me..."
"No, you don't get it." He groans, squeezing the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white. "I'm falling for you and I don't know how to deal with it."
I swallow, trying to ignore the warmth that started in my stomach and spreads through my body. "You're falling for me," I repeat surprised. "Since when? What changed?"
"I think I started to like you a while ago, when you were with Finn. But the day you blacked out in the canteen after downing that beer? When I was barely able to catch you in time?" He sighs, sending me a short look before focusing back on the road. "It just hit me that these feelings are way stronger then I previously wanted to admit."
"I thought you hated me before Finn went missing..."
"I never hated you, I was just pissed because of what happened between you and Finn. And no, I didn't like you in the beginning. But to hate a person, you have to previously loved them. For hate cannot be felt for something or someone you don't feel strong enough for to begin with."
I chuckle over his wisdom, still feeling warm and... happy. Because I like the fact Oliver likes me. "Is it difficult for you when I touch you in any way? Is that why you started to avoid me?"
"I like it when you do, but it's not fair. You love Finn and he loves you and I don't want to feel jealous again."
"I thought you liked Alex, by the way." I refocus on Alex, since I don't know how to respond to his remark. I do love Finnley, a lot, more than anything. But I also like the fact Oliver is falling for me, because I feel like I've fallen for him too. Isn't that why I'm this upset over him dating Alex? Not just because he isn't there for me as much as I want him to, but because he's dating.
"I do like him, I really do. But I think different from the way I like you..." He lolls his head a bit. "Maybe because I can't have you." He snorts bitterly. "I mean, I couldn't have Finn either and I liked him too. But then again then again, I already had him, even though it was very briefly." He rolls his eyes at his own blabbering. "What I'm trying to say, is that I tend to like people that are out of my reach. And I just don't want to get sucked into it again, knowing I'll stay behind on my own."
I swallow, staring at him while his facial features now show pain and sadness. "I... didn't know you were struggling with this..."
"Have been ever since I lost Maxie." Oliver huffs, and angrily wipes away a tear on his cheek. "It's like my heart and mind agree on one thing; never to allow myself to fall in love with anyone I can get, so that I can never feel the same pain I felt when I lost Maxie. I'm not sure if I would survi..." Oliver's words die down as his eyes confusingly stare in the back mirror shortly, before they widen. "The fuck...?"
I turn around to see what is surprising him, right in time to notice two way to large headlights behind us, before the car behind us hits us at full speed.
"What the hell!?" I call out, bracing myself while Oliver tries to regain control over the car, only to be hit again, causing the car to turn sideways, and then there's chaos, crashing noises as the car rolls over and over again.
I'm not sure where I lost contact with the world, with reality, and got submerged in darkness that feels like a familiar, calm void that I know like the back of my hand.