Separating my need to take the reigns and my need to help Alex is more of a challenge than I'd expected, like fighting the need to close a window when the breeze becomes a bit too much to ignore.
That's not me saying I can't do it, but the desire to take over is insane, almost impossible to ignore, though I will and I won't be beaten by it. I won't be perceived as an inconsiderate partner in this relationship, Alex's needs are more important than my desires, though they might think otherwise.
I pull a face at the passing thought. I don't believe my desires are a being with thoughts or emotions, but I'd still gone and made it seem so in my mind. That's something I'll have to keep a focus on, my inner demon will not become more than it is, it can't.
The planning had well and truly begun, even though Alex hasn't exactly said it, I can sense that he is putting something together in his mind, a place, a time and of course, the how. I have no doubt that he will open up to me when he has a better idea of what he wants and until then, I'll wait, there is absolutely no point in me deciding anything for him. This will all be orchestrated under his hand, I am only a passenger, a spare wheel if he needs me.
Until then, life goes on as usual.
My work days filled with cases that either grate on me and test my inner demon, or ones that are simple to sort out. Luckily for me, I've got fewer cases in family law that feed my desire, which is what's best right now, I don't need the distraction from what Alex is going through. He needs me to be there if things go awry and I can't be a support to him if I stumble upon another case that takes my attention. There has to be a way to switch it off, to numb myself to the incessant prodding and untamed blood thirst that the demon within forces upon me. I need to be more than it. Stronger. In control of what goes on and what I am doing.
My cell's message tone breaks me from the downward spiral I'd been on and my sight focuses to find it sitting to my left, peeking out from beneath the clutter of paperwork that currently occupies my desk.
As I grab it, the screen illuminates, it's Justine, and somehow she has managed to message me when I needed to be pulled from my mind. That's certainly helpful.
Hey chick, got time for a lunch catchup?
Yeah, that'd be great. I reply quickly.
We agree to meet at a coffee shop a few blocks away from my office building, yet my mind is still wandering freely, consumed by thoughts of Alex and Seth, and how I'm supposed to keep myself together throughout it all.
When I arrive I choose a table close to the door, putting us where the noise floods in and keeps my attention focused on other things. Justine has yet to arrive and I wait patiently, perusing the menu for my lunch choice.
The chair across from me scrapes noisily and my head snaps up at the sound, but it's only Justine that has found me and joined the table.
"Sheesh. Someone's on edge." Justine says as she gets comfortable.
My hand drops into my lap, "I'm sorry, I don't know what that was about."
Justine quirks her right brow, "Right..." She says, dragging out the word, "Surely the menu didn't have you that freaked out. What's up?"
I shake my head, "Nothing at all. Trust me. Everything is good." I respond in a clipped tone, though I think it's safe to say that my edginess comes from what is just around the corner.
"Sure, sure." She mutters, "You suck at lying, you know that, yeah?"
I stare at her as she picks up the other menu, averting her knowing gaze from mine to the information before her.
The question remains between us as I choose to ignore it and instead stand up from my seat, "What do you want to eat? My treat."
Justine hums once then points her finger at the menu decisively, "Club sandwich, please. I'd love a lemonade too." She smiles at me cheerily, the change of mood just what we need.
"Aye, aye. Be right back."
I head to the counter, feeling lighter and as though the weight upon my shoulders has been relieved for the moment. Justine often serves as the wall between myself and the drama that is soon to unfold, and for once it's not due to my own actions. It's a freeing sensation.
Somehow, knowing that I'm not at the root of the situation is giving me the feeling of being able to truly breathe, to take in all that's around me instead of considering all of the things that could go wrong. Not planning feels good, but it still feels as though something is missing.
A short time later, my teeth have just sunk deep into my sandwich when Justine speaks.
"So, my bosses have asked me to assist a team in hunting down a new serial killer."
My eyes widen as I finish taking the bite and chew while I nod for more information, unable to speak around the mouthful.
"It's really fresh. There's actually not much to work from at this stage. All I know is that a few people have disappeared after meeting an unknown man for various reasons. A blind date. A Craigslist purchase. Car sale. Speciality collectable swaps. Very mysterious, nothing to trace the person, all of the online evidence leads to virus infused IP addresses. Clever. Deceptive. Always two steps ahead of us."
"You love getting your hands on the more complicated cases, you can't say you're not loving this one." I say, knowing she won't deny it.
Justine smiles, "I know, you're right, I do love them, I've just never had someone who kept themselves so clean online before. It's new for me."
"A challenge isn't always a bad thing, so how do you plan on going about finding this person if there's nothing to trace them?" I ask, genuinely intrigued.
"That's where it gets more interesting. The only thing that has surfaced from a deeper search is an empty plot of land out in Weaverville. It's bizarre though, because it has never had any legitimate ownership, it's always been run by the town. Which means, that bit of information too has nothing that tells us anything about them. I'm coming up empty, constantly." Justine shakes her head twice at the end of her speech.
The rate of my intrigue has risen to an all time high, I feel as though my ears have grown to ensure I miss none of what she is saying. This is my kind of target, I'm practically ready to jump from my seat, crawl over the table that separates us and tear the juicy information from the coils of her brain. The restraint within me is being stretched dangerously. I need to ease back on the desire to request more from her, Alex is the focus.
"Definitely sounds like a tricky case for you. You'll find something, don't worry about it." I slide my hands from the top of the table and plop them onto my lap, clasping my fingers together like a vice grip, bringing myself back to earth where I belong.
"I know I will, it's just a matter of time before something comes up."
There's a few moments of silence between us as Justine and I eat some more of our lunch, I take the time to resurface from the bowels of my mind, stepping out of the darkness and back into the light of day. I turn my head to the left and glance out of the stores front window, finding the footpath outside the cafe teaming with people in business suits, talking on their cells or smoking cigarettes, the streets are busy with delivery trucks and taxis zipping in and out of traffic, the world continues to pass us by like any other day would.
Justine takes a sip of her drink and then clears her throat, "You know, we should really organise another night out with the guys. Patrick is a freakin workaholic and could use a night to loosen up, not to mention myself. A few drinks and some pool, something other than work to focus on for a change."
I nod, "I'm up for that. I'll let Alex know tonight, I'm sure he will be keen too." Not only would it be a good way to wind down after everything is said and done, but it'd be good to have a normal night without any added distractions. And once he has settled this Seth problem, we will be free to relax together, completely. It's something we could both use.
"It sucks that we can't do this more often, what with you working long hours at the office and me buried beneath age old cases and now new ones too, there's barely a moment to think of normal girl stuff. I couldn't tell you the last time I got a haircut, my split ends have split ends." Justine says while grabbing a strand of her hair between her fingertips.
I laugh, "I know the feeling. All of my old priorities died a while ago."
Along with my sense of self.
I'm not the me I used to be.
Justine claps her hands together, "That settles it. We must have a girls day soon. Pampering and preening to the absolute max. I want to feel like a girl again, if only for a day. In saying that, keep next Saturday open for us, we will have a spa day."
"It's a deal. Besides I could use a little relaxation, it certainly won't kill me."
Though plenty of other things could.
Myself included.
The mental realisation is somewhat of a shock to my system as I stare down at the almost finished sandwich before me. The mess of bread and salad sitting disastrously on the plate. A very realistic picture of myself as I am right now.
And even though I feel I'm coming to grips with the person I have become, I've still not quite accepted the fact that I could be my own downfall. I'm not on top of everything that drives me to act the way I do, I'm not in control of my inner, deeper and more destructive self. Not yet. I've still got a really long way to go before I've got a handle on the desire that wreaks havoc within.
Alex could very well be the key to me controlling it, taming the dangerous and unruly life inside of me.
Perhaps seeing him take on Seth will help me in the long run?
Perhaps it'll show me that I can be both normal and dangerous. There might possibly be a way to balance the two.
At least, I can only hope there is.
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I'm so behind at posting. I'm really sorry. I have been stuck on this chapter for ages and it sucked!
But here it is and I hope you can forgive my tardiness.
Danica doesn't know a lot of the details when it comes to Seth and what he has been up to, Alex is still holding back with her, only drip feeding her things she needs to know.
I wonder why...
Thanks for waiting and I hope it was worth it. The end is always hard to write and we're so darn close to the end of this book!
Thanks for reading and voting and commenting and for the continued support. You guys rock!
Don't know if I've mentioned it here yet, but I've started an Instagram page for the series, it's - thedeadlyseriesinsta if you want to have a look.
See you all soon!
Shantelle 🙂