april 20, 2013
9:22 pm
dear ashton,
i am writing this while i am crying so sorry for the shaky handwriting and the tears on the paper.
i got my results back.
i have five months to live, ashton.
five.
i won't even make it to my eighteenth birthday.
i'll never get to be an adult.
i always believed i would get better.
i would get better and move on and go to college and get married and have a few kids and live in a big house with no worries.
i wanted a life.
and now mine is being taken away from me.
do you know how scary that is?
to know that you only have five months left of your existence.
and after my five months strangers will only know i was here by a block of cement with my name on it.
i haven't even told you yet. hell, i don't even know if i will. i don't think i could bare seeing the pain in your eyes. it's almost unbearable looking at you now.
i love you so fucking much that it hurts to even be around you anymore because i know that my existence is just weighing you down. i feel like my life is just this huge burden to you. i can't begin to explain how terrible that makes me feel.
i don't even feel like i'm living anymore, ash. i can't do anything i used to do. i can't walk up long flights of stairs, i can't run long distances, i can barely bring myself to eat anymore. this whole thing is just sick.
you've been calling me like crazy ever since my appointment was over. i haven't answered. i would probably lose it once i heard your voice. you're probably worried out of your mind. sorry. i fuck things up lately. sorry.
my doctor prescribed me anti-depressants today. he said that I was "taking this too hard" and "having concerning behavior". well, buddy, sorry but i am sort of dying over here and you expect me to take it well? do you think i'm going to go run through a field of daisys because life is just great, right? no. stop.
you know, i was hoping to fall in love before i died.
i just didn't expect it to be like this.
forever,
venus
-
soRRY FOR THE SLOW UPDATE
PLEASE DO N OT HATE ME
W E ALL KNEW THIS WAS GOIJG TO HAPPEN OKAY
well i hope you guys had a good day
later shiz niggets