I got emotional writing this chapter. Hope you guys enjoy it.
It is seriously way too early for this argument.
"You're not serious are you? She would wipe the floor with her if they had to fight each other!" Caroline shrieks. There are few things you want to fight Caroline on, but books are definitely not one of them, and Jayna should know better.
Jayna looks just as confident as she usually does, not feeling intimidated by Caroline and her domineering eyes. "I'm dead serious. Katniss would totally kick Tris' ass. Katniss is a skilled archer, she could take her out in less than ten seconds. Tris can't even hold a gun by the time the second book comes out."
"OH PLEASE. Okay, Katniss can shoot, I will give you that. But Katniss can't fight anybody. I mean close combat style." Caroline belches.
"She's hit people plenty of times. She can handle herself." Jayna retorts.
Caroline's shaking her head, and in a way that I know she's about to win this argument (her and Brad argue Game of Thrones all the time.) "I've read all three books, and the most I've ever seen Katniss actually hit someone without an aid is really low. Tris, on the other hand, was trained to be violent, with or without weapons. She will beat your ass if you push her there, and it has been proven a lot of times. She will fight anyone in her way, without a weapon. Katniss I feel like is all talk unless she has a weapon, otherwise she's honestly useless."
Jayna is trying not to look like she got served, but it's really hard because she did. Caroline is an expert on anything book related. I avoid talking to her about Harry Potter because I won't ever win that match. Jayna basically retreated after that shutdown of a comment, which is rare for any of us to see.
Alice and Caroline got into a Twilight match a year ago and she almost won.The landslide ended up being that Alice got a scene in the book twisted up and Caroline called her out on it. One day we will beat her, one day.
But this morning will not be one of those days. It's surprisingly warm for 7am, but we're almost near the school so I can last for now. We finally made it to the last week of school. Thank the lord. This year wasn't that bad. Actually, this was the year that my life actually got interesting.
Speaking of interesting, I need to find Alice. I don't know how much longer I can keep Saturday night to myself. Normally I tell Jayna anything big first and Caroline dead last since she's a blabbermouth, but there is a lot of information and Alice is not exactly in the group so she can tell me the truth and not hold back. Jayna would tell the truth too, but she likes Craig more than Paul now.
I walk to my locker to grab my French books for class, and just before I make it there I see Paul coming towards me. I don't even know if I can look him straight in the eye after what we did Saturday night, but he's coming over here anyways, with that super sexy smile, and great pair of arms in that tank top he's wearing. As if to taunt me.
He comes up behind me when I open my locker, and whispers in my ear. "Hi." I swear I got the shivers when I heard that. I'm still really jumpy, and close noises will bother me for the next few days.
I turn around and look at him and god he's so hot. He looks extremely happy to see me, and I guess since we were so intimate before there's no real need to try to avoid him. I actually liked him being so close now, although I feel intensely warm as he stands near.
"Hey". It sounds as if I'm surprised to see him, which I'm not, but I'm weird so that's just how it's gonna be for now. "How was your weekend?" I ask stupidly, although I didn't speak to him yesterday so I don't know all of his weekend.
"Oh you know, same ol, same ol. Movies, homework, got with the guy of my dreams. The usual."
I blush at the last part, trying to hold back a smile. "Sounds like you had a very enjoyable weekend." I say like I'm some kind of professional weekend judge.
"You should have seen the other guy, he was a monster in the sac. See you later." He pats me on the arm and heads off to class. Thank god he left, I think I started to get another boner down there. I turned around to watch him turn the hall, and before he did he sent a wink my way. Goddamn that boy.
********
As soon as class ended, I ran my way into the cafeteria, waiting for Alice to burst through the door. I have so much I need to talk about it's making my brain scatter. I haven't spoken to Craig almost all weekend, and he texted me in class last period saying he wanted to talk to me after school. I said okay but I'm freaking out about it now.
I was on such a Paul high all weekend I totally forgot about Craig, and now it's biting me in the ass. Yes, I really enjoyed Saturday night, but as time goes by I'm starting to regret it. I knew that something bad may come out of this, but what was something I didn't put too much thought in. I was blinded by lust and that damned burning feeling.
What if Craig wants to ask me out? Or if he somehow found out about what Paul and I did? Can I really accept to date him if I have this secret burning me? Do I even still want to date him? Ugh so many questions, my brain is about to give out.
I spot Alice walking in just as Cash kissed her goodbye, and I almost slam myself into her, but I didn't in case she slapped me silly.
"Jesus, Mike! Good morning to you too." Alice says, very much surprised that I just randomly popped up in front of her like I just did.
"So are you particularly hungry right this second?" She shakes her head, about to speak but I cut her off. "Good, come with me, we need to talk, NOW!" I drag her to the farthest table from society and make her sit down. I feel like the story is gonna fly out of me any second now if I'm not careful.
"Okay, so what has you so wired up today?" She asked quizzically. She goes into her bag and pulls out her store-bought salad (Courtesy of Cash most likely) and lemonade. She's about to take a sip of her lemonade but I nod my head for her not to. I don't want a spit take happening as I tell her this.
"Okay, so I had a date with Paul Saturday night, and things may have gone a little too far...." She looks at me like I just grew two heads, but I can tell she wants me to continue. "So we didn't have sex. No penetration of any kind happened that night. Okay, well there was a lot of mouth and tongue connected to body parts and-"
"Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Hold on a second! So you're telling me that you and Paul did stuff?! I nod furiously. "You need to start from the beginning, you're like theprudest boy I have ever met. Love you!" She adds, trying not to insult me, but insult half taken,Alice.
I start from the beginning. I tell her about the time in the car before the movie, the time during the movie, and the time we spent in the car. That alone took about 5 entire minutes to explain. I grabbed her lemonade because my throat felt really dry, and I know she gets OCD about other people drinking from her so that was revenge for her somewhat insulting my prude lifestyle.
Talking to her is like talking to Jayna and caroline at the same time, but only their best qualities. Great listener; non judgemental. She can tell me the truth without it being really hurtful for no reason, and she can see other solutions the other two may be avoiding to look at. I know she's gonna want to know the specifics of the bedroom because all girls do, so I just blurt them out.
Talking about what happened in my room that night, suddenly pouring out of my mouth, feels really good to finally be shared with someone aside from me, but I keep pausing to look around to make sure no one has heard me. Sure, it all felt good, but our tongues went places they wouldn't normally go (especially his), and if random people heard this they'd think I'm some sort of freak.
Alice is just eating her salad, definitely nodding in the right places and looking up when I say specific words or phrases, so I know she's definitely listening to me. I definitely feel a lot lighter about the situation until the thought of Craig comes up, and I tell her about his text and how I've been feeling since.
When I officially stop talking I feel relieved yet totally confused about my choices as of late. I guess I got part of what I always wanted, but the other half is still lost in translation somewhere.
"Holy..Okay, so I'm the only one who knows so far aside from Paul?" I nod furiously. "First of all, thank you for trusting me enough for this. Secondly, do you plan on telling Craig about this?"
Regardless of whether he asks me out or not, I don't want to keep secrets, just because every time he would look at me I would feel like I betrayed him or something along those lines. Plus I'm a shitty liar, eventually it would reach the surface and I'd rather he hear it from me.
"I feel like I should." I tell her. I know we're not official so technically I'm not cheating, but at the same time we've been committing time to one another the last few weeks, and it is I guess fairgrounds to end what's going on. She nods back.
"I feel like what went down with Paul was just your lust talking. You liking him for so long finally wore you down and you just gave in, which is understandable. Stuff happens." So far, she's making sense. "What you and Craig have going on, I think, is a bit more relationship steered. He's met your family, met your friends, and took you out for food as a date (she loves her food). Look, Paul is smoking, but the fire you felt may go out after a while. And I know you, you're not the hook up kind of guy."
She's ultimately right. Before that night, hooking up with him in real time never occurred to me. And now that I'm back in my own brain and off the high, this isn't something I want. Of course it was fun, and of course it was a fantasy come true, but I'm not that guy. I don't believe in what I did, at least not until I'm in love. And I definitely don't love Paul.
I don't love Craig either, but there is so much potential for there to be something real. Me doing the deed may have temporarily or permanently set us back. Ugh, I'm so weak. I think she started to pick up on my murky mood, because she soon started to sit next to me and rub my back, like she used to when I was down.
"Don't beat yourself up about this. You needed that weekend with Paul, and now that you got it maybe now you can let him go." She stated. I think when you're on the brink of losing something or someone, you finally realize the hold they have on you, and the affects they have on your happiness. Craig is that brink.
The bell for lunch to end sounds off, and Alice and I part ways, and I promise her I'll call her to update her on the news, good or bad. The day drones on with final grade announcements, extra credits to help the falling and failing, and random papers all around the floor from non-caring seniors. Ugh, I can't wait to be that already.
Once school is over, I head over to my locker to get my phone. After Alice, I didn't want to see it in case I got the nerve to text Craig what I did. I had to verbally tell him what happened. I just hope we can still somewhat be friends after this. Just as I'm about to walk out of the school, I catch Brad and Sally in the corner together.
This wouldn't be such a shocking thing if they weren't so close that they were about to kiss. I told Brad to leave her alone, Sally is not the kind of girl that needs Brad and his bag of women magnets. If her heart gets broken I blame him, and parts of her for being naive. And would you look at that, she's making out with him now. Called it!
Before I had a chance to fully digest what I just witnessed, I see Craig's car parked across the street. My stomach is in knots at the sight of it, because this may be the last time I'll ever see it again. But you know what they say, you made your bed (and did nasty things in it), now sleep in it. I make away across the road and jump in the passenger seat. I put my seatbelt on and take a glance at Craig. Then I had to do a double take.
He looked horrible, in every sense of the word. His eyes were red and puffy, his hair was in several directions and he was really stiff. I actually thought he was on the verge of dying and I was the last person he needed to see. I didn't know what to say. He must have sensed my apprehension, because he looked at me with those sad eyes of his.
"I did something bad this weekend, and I really hope you can forgive me for it." He finally answers. I am thrown for a loop, what could he have done that would make him cry like that? I should be the one is despair, not him. He takes a deep breath, and I feel like I'm about to tear up looking at him.
"So on Saturday, after my shift, my friend invited me to go to a party in her town. I got off early and got ready and we went, and everything was fine. There was a guy that I had a crush on in school before I moved and the party was the first time I had seen him since I came back. I drank a lot at that party, more than I ever had in my life." A single tear rolls down his eyes and I almost ask him to stop speaking, but I need to know.
"The last thing I remember before I blacked out was me making out with him by the staircase, and when I woke up we were in some random part of the basement, naked on a bed. I don't know if we had sex or not, the night is still in bits and pieces, and my friend has been texting the guy to see what he remembers." Both of his eyes start tearing now.
"I'm so sorry. I really like you and I did this to you! I wanted to ask you out last Friday because I really like you and I feel a connection with you, but I' pretty sure I blew it and I'm so sorry." He turns back to face the road, probably expecting me to leave and storm out of the car, but I don't.
I start to speak, not directly looking at him. "Does this sting a bit? Absolutely. But I am not mad at you at all, Craig. I actually can't judge you" He looks at me suddenly, like I just told him I cured his terminal cancer.
"Saturday night, I did something bad too, but the difference between you and I is that my incident was on purpose." I too take a deep breath, hoping I can get this story straight. He wipes his tear stricken face and waits for me to explain.
"I had a crush on this guy Paul, who you've seen before. I didn't think I had a shot with him so I kept putting my thoughts about him off. Then you showed up, and I completely forgot he existed when you were with me. But then I found out that he liked me back and I was already in like with you." I feel tears coming on, but I push on with the story anyways. " I agreed to go on a date with him on Saturday, and after that I made out with him and other things. But I didn't have sex with him!" I added.
"I feel horrible about what I did to you, and I was thinking about how if I told you there was a 99% chance that I would lose you, but if we were to ever get together, I didn't want to lie to you. I really like you too, and I need you to know that. he means nothing to me, or rather you mean more to me than he ever will." I lost my breath after my story of confused lust with Paul.
He's staring outside his window, deep in thought. It is dead silent in this car. I didn't even notice the engine was off. How did I get here? A few weeks ago I was okay, no love life, and now a choice I made is driving a relationship that never got a start off the road. To love is to die.
"Can you get out of the car please." He's not asking, he's telling me.
I took the hint and got out of the car, and the second I shut the car door, he sped off. I deserve this, I broke his heart. I start sobbing like an idiot right then and there. I let his decision come to light and let myself feel the consequences of my actions. I lost him, and I barely had him.
Before I turn to walk home, I send Paul a final message before I delete his number out of my phone for good.
'I hate you, but I hate me more for giving in to you.'
I cry most of the way home.
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