Swimming meets are on Fridays…
For the second time today – how ironic, considering how many times it has been today – I’ve been relived, and thankful, to the chlorine filled pool at school. Sure, Veronica Russell was here, trying to compete against me, but that didn’t matter. I was better than Veronica, and she knew it. I didn’t want to sound mean, but I had been swimming for years, and cared more about it. Heck, I basically died twice, and was still showing up to practice.
Someone jumped into the water for a practice run, and suddenly I was pulled back to the early hours of this morning when I pushed Vincent into the swimming pool. He’d been so surprised, but he was drunk, and an idiot for sticking up for Matthew. They shouldn’t have even been friends. Someone nudged me, bringing me back to the present.
“What?”
“People are betting on you, you know,” a teammate, Philip said, wrapping his towel around himself to cover his speedo’s.
“Huh?”
“People on our team, well, all but you and Ronnie. We’re seeing who wins.”
I raised my eyebrows. “What?”
“In the meet. The girl’s race. We want to know who’s going to get the scouts attention.”
I flicked my hair over my shoulder. “Well, isn’t it obvious?”
“Yes. You two are going to fight it out.”
“Veronica never even comes close.”
“No,” Phillip said slowly, water dripping from his dark hair, “Not yet anyway. But you might crack out on the water, you know, Marisol. I heard a scout is coming to look for a new female swimmer to make the college team next year. Coach has her eye on you and Veronica, and one of you to take the scholarship. She pulled a few strings, only because she was so popular in her own day.”
“I know what you’re trying to do,” I narrowed my eyes accusingly. “You’re trying to distract me. You’re trying to make me conscious of the crowd. Do you want Veronica to win, have you bet on her?”
“I’m not telling you whom I bet on. That’s bad luck.”
“Then don’t bother trying to distract me.”
“It was a good try though,” Phillip said, grabbing a water bottle from his Nike sports bag. “I do try sometimes, only for my own entertainment. You’ve got to learn to ignore it, to channel nothing but your own mind. Ignore the crowds, and their screaming, and the look on your family’s face when you get your final time, whatever the time. Think about Coach, flirting with the scout as she talks about you to him.”
“Philip,” I groaned. “You really have got to stop trying to distract me, and get into my head.”
“I try,” he smirked, “although not too hard, I am betting on you after all.”
I gulped, hard, as I watched him walk away. Although I was confident that he wasn’t going to throw me off, I was going to win this; it still annoyed me that people were betting on me. But that didn’t matter – I was already dead, I wasn’t going to win this, even if I did come first. Veronica was going to get my swimming scholarship, she was going to take my place in the meets, and she was going to rule the pool. There was nothing I could do about it. In my world, whatever world I was in right now, I was still in the lead. But I was in limbo, and the world was obviously moving forward without me. I was the only thing left behind. And in everyone else’s world, I wasn’t here, I wasn’t going to college, or going to get married, or have children.
Tears welled up in my eyes. I tried telling myself not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. It had finally hit me. I was going to live this day forever, and no one could do anything about stopping it. Philip trying to throw me off didn’t matter anymore, I’d thrown myself off, I’d finally admitted that today wasn’t going to end – tomorrow was never coming. My life is in the present, it’s only what it is now, and I’ll never move forward – no matter how hard I will it too.
If I swam today, I’d be hurting myself. If I won, if I spoke to my coach and agreed to a college, then I’d realise that I’d have to do this, I’d have to swim, on this Friday, for the rest of my life.
“Marisol!”
I whipped my head around to see Veronica, chucking her towel next to her Nike bag. “What?”
“We’re up next,” she said, a sly smile on her face. I narrowed my eyes, watching her carefully. She was sly, in and out of the pool. She wasn’t going to throw me off. Philip had already tried, and no one was going to make me fall for it now.
“And?” I replied.
“And, I hope you do well.” she said.
I turned around, not dignifying her with an answer. She sniggered behind me. Suddenly, anger boiled up inside me. Why did she deserve this? If there were a God out there, why was I stuck in this hell when she would go on and live my life? I’d always worked harder than her in the pool. I cared for this more. Why did this happen to me? Why couldn’t I go on enjoying my life? Everyone else was getting on with theirs.
“I’ll see you, Veronica,” I said bitterly, “in the pool.”
Five minutes later, after finding my mother in the crowd and receiving an encouraging smile, I was on the board, ready to jump at the gun. Swimming was more thrilling than watching a horror movie in the dark, or finding money you didn’t realize you had. I talk enough about swimming, but it is the only thing that makes sense in my life right now. I try as hard as I can to forget about what it going on, so I can smile at my family. I didn’t know what else to do, so I just breathe. And I breathed hard. As the gun went off, I jumped in. Veronica maybe getting my place in life, but I was still going to win this because I’d worked for it, and because I’d earned it. I was the rightful owner of that place, and I needed it right now.
I didn’t glance to the side to see Veronica, because it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t going to let her put me off, and I wasn’t going to let what anyone else said, or what was going on in my life, put me off. I was just going to concentrate on this moment. I was going to hold on to what I knew – which was swimming – even if I didn’t understand anything else. I flipped, and swam the other lane. As I neared the end, I lifted my head to breathe again, and took just a little too long. I swallowed some of the water, and momentarily, I lost my pace. Then, from the corner of my eye, I saw Veronica, catching me up. I know in practice she was always nearly a lap behind, but I couldn’t take the risk that that was case now. I put my head back under, ignoring the screams and cried of the audience that were muffled form the water.
I saw an arm, Veronica’s arm, to the left of me and I frowned, blinking in the water. I was not going to let her beat me. I came up for air again, this time being careful not to take too much time. Then I pushed myself. And a few seconds later, the bell was going off, and I was holding onto the edge of the pool. Coach was looking down at me, and so was my sister, squealing gleefully.
“You did it!” Kendall screamed over the noise of everyone’s cheers. “You did it.”
I glance over, feeling triumphant, to Veronica. Although we weren’t the only ones racing, although there were more people in our meet, it was a battle between us. Sure, I’d won it, but she had still won the war – she wasn’t stuck in this forever Friday that I was stuck in. But for the moment, I would just enjoy it.
Coach beckoned me out of the pool, and then did the same to Veronica and Lucy, giving them pitiful taps on the back. Kendal stayed next to me, wrapping a towel around me. I was trying to look at the group, but everyone was blurry, as if I was looking form under the water of the pool. “How’re you feeling?” my sister asked. I looked at her, and found that I could still see her, crystal clear amongst everything else.
“Hey.”
“Do you want to sit down, or change?”
“No,” I replied. “I’m fine.” But really I wasn’t fine. I was tired, and aching. But I was also sad, and upset, because I’d won, but for what? I had proven to myself that I could win, that I could have had a better life, and a life of swimming. But I’d pushed myself for nothing. I was going to live this day, forever. I was going to feel this way always, because I was going to go to this meet, I was going to wake up tomorrow, it’ll be today, and I’ll be here, swimming for a scholarship that I’d never be able to have. Why was this happening to me? What was I being tortured for? It wasn’t fair. It had only been Friday for the third time, but it was still the same day, thrice over, and I was getting sick of it. Tears welled up in my eyes, but they were disguised by the water running from my hair.
“Earth to Marisol,” Kendal said, waving a hand in front of my face. Was I on earth still? Or was this hell, because it wasn’t heaven. I was in the in-between, sure, limbo as some people called it. But I was also repeating things that happened on earth, and I just didn’t know what was going on. And no one could explain it to me. “Marisol!”
“What?” I murmured.
Kendal couldn’t say anything else, because Coach came back with a man, a man I didn’t recognize, but knew all too much about. “Marisol,” the guy greeted me. He clutched a clipboard under his arm, and smiled warmly at me as he extended his free hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Sally has told me a lot about you.”
I smiled, as best as I could, as I shook his hand. “Hello.”
“I’m Freddie. I’m from Auburn. I’d like to talk more with you, if I could.”
Then something hit me. The last day I was alive – the first Friday – I had skipped swim practice to see Vincent behind the basketball area. I hadn’t met this coach, I hadn’t agreed to a scholarship in Auburn. I had missed an important event. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t be here right now. My course wouldn’t have led me to that basement – I might not have gone to the party at all, I might have been out celebrating with my family. Not going, that day, had been a mistake. Veronica would have won; she would have been noticed by this man. She would have stood in front of him and exchanged details. It felt like I didn’t deserve this. This wasn’t another chance to get it right, and to win this to talk to a scout. No, this was an eye opener. I should have gone, but instead, I didn’t. It was my own fault, and I was being punished for it.
“What about?” I asked, although I knew what it was about. I didn’t want him to say it. I didn’t want it to be true. I had ruined my own life. I could still be alive right now, with everything I ever wanted, if I hadn’t skipped my practice. I would have been happy, not stuck in this hell.
“Why,” he chuckled, “a scholarship for Auburn University. A full swimming scholarship. A chance to train with us, and enter into some of the best meets in the country. You’ll get recognition, and you’d get known, very quickly with us, Marisol. You could be a professional swimming in a matter of a couple of years.”
This is your own fault, I told myself. You could have taken a different path, you could have done what you’d originally planned, and you could have had a life. But you ruined it. You changed your path, and it led to other paths, a ripple of other paths, and this is the consequence of going down that route. And you have to live with it. I tried to stop the negative voice in my head but I couldn’t. My hands were shaking as I tried, desperately, to grip the towel, which was covering me.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
Freddie’s face fell. For a moment, he thought I was talking to him, but I was really talking to myself. I had done this to myself. I had destroyed my life, and everything I’d worked for. I hadn’t done it on purpose; I’d simply just chosen a course I shouldn’t have gone on. I couldn’t accept this because I couldn’t take it, even though I wanted to. But then, my mother darted into view, standing a few feet from Freddie. She smiled, wiping a tear.
I couldn’t refuse this scholarship, here and now. I couldn’t see Freddie, Coach, Kendal and my mother with a horrific, shock look on their face, all at once, right in front of me. Sure, I was dead, I wasn’t going to this university, I wasn’t going anywhere, but for now, I could bask in the glory of winning. I could make them happy and see their proud faces, and Veronica’s face – horror, probably. I wasn’t going anywhere, but in this world, today, I could accept this, knowing that I did make my family happy – even if I did ruin everything in real life. I hoped that this somehow made up for that.