Song: Awful Things by Lil Peep
At some point during the drive back, my sobs turn into silent tears, and then, several hours later, I wake, still curled up in Lindsey's lap. She notices me stir, and her hand goes back to brushing through my hair. "Hey," she says, speaking softly.
I don't respond for a moment. Visions of Kade flash in the back of my mind, flickering like an old picture film. I think of nights that we laughed together, cuddling in bed, with our naked bodies intertwined, fitting the other's perfectly. I think of mornings, when we would go out to eat together, and days that we would waste away at home, watching TV and just being together. I think of days that I would go to therapy appointments with him for his mental health. Those were days when we still had hope. Why can't we go back to those days? Why can't I just remember what hope feels like?
"Hey," I whisper, responding to her, emotionless.
"We are here," Damian says, slowing as he pulls into a parking space.
The car comes to a halt, and then Noah glances back to me. "Can we talk before you go in?"
I slowly rise and glance back to him. "Sure," I say in an almost inaudible voice.
"Damian and I will go ahead and go in," Lindsey says, looking over to Damian, hinting for him to follow her as she opens her door.
They both get out and the car falls silent, until Noah speaks. "I just wanted to say before we go in that I love you."
I feel my chest tighten. "I cant do this right now, Noah. I'm sor-"
"Wait," he says, cutting me off. "That wasn't all I was going to say." He takes a deep breath before continuing. "Iris, I love you, and that's why I want to let you know that whatever happens in this hospital between you and Kade stays between the two of you. I won't ask about it. I won't pry. You told your dad that I was your boyfriend. That was really nice to hear, but the situation is different now. I understand that. I'm sure you are a mess inside. Just take your time, and like I have told you before, I will always be here waiting for you."
Tears have already started to fill my eyes. "Thank you, Noah," I whisper. "I don't know how things are going to change when we walk through those doors, but before they do." A shaky breath leaves my lips. "I'm not in love with you. I haven't given myself enough time to be, yet. There is a part of me that really loves you though. There is a part of me that loves you and never wants to lose you."
Noah turns away just before a tear can escape his crystal blue eyes. "You'll never lose me, Iris. I'm yours. I have been since the first day we met."
Without another word, I slide out of the car and rush into the hospital. I can't stand to be around Noah for another second right now. When I enter the waiting room, I walk straight to the front desk just after nodding at Damian, Lindsey, and Cole sitting in chairs over in the corner.
"Hello, I'm here to visit Kade Sommers," I say to the older lady behind the window of the desk.
"OK, give me just a moment," she says, checking something on her desktop. She glances back to me. "Are you of any relation to Mr. Sommers?" She asks, glancing back to me.
I nod. "We are engaged," I say, lying. "I'm pregnant with his baby."
I see her eyes soften, and she gives me a sympathetic look. "He's in room 403, on the third floor."
"Thank you," I reply, flatly. I feel so hollow.
I enter the elevator and press the button floor. Just before the doors slide shut, I gaze out to the lobby right as Noah enters. I feel my heart stop as he gives me an encouraging smile, but even from this distance, I can see the pain in his eyes. This is too much for me to take.
The elevator dings, and the doors glide open. I step out and glance around, looking for 403. "May I help you, Miss?" A shorter, perky, nurse asks, walking up to me.
"Uh," I reply, looking around. "I'm here to see Kade Sommers. 403."
She nods. "Ah, yes. Mr. Sommers. Come with me," she orders, waving me down the hall. As we walk, she gives me a report. "Mr. Sommers overdosed on lithium and then was in quite a rough car crash. He isn't awake. yet, but if he does wake up, we will have him on suicide watch."
"If?" I ask, cutting her short.
She glances back to me and gives me a sad smile. "Yes, Honey. If. We had to pump his stomach because of the overdose. He suffered from a concussion, leading into brain damage, a broken leg, a broken arm, some fractured ribs, and he has stitches in various locations."
I can't hold it back. Hot tears begin to roll down my cheeks, but I bite my tongue, suppressing a sob. "How severe is the brain damage?" I ask, my voice cracking.
"I've seen worse," she says, slowly. "But, there might be a few issues from it that we can work through."
We stop in front of the dark, wooden door. "What kind of issues?"
"Loss of motor skills, speech, or memory. They are all possibilities. I'm sorry, Sweet Heart. I know it's not easy to hear, but Mr. Sommers may have a long road to recovery ahead of him."
I nod, letting another tear slip down my cheek. "Thank you," I whisper.
She smiles. "If you need me, just press the call button. I'll give you some time alone."
As she walks away, I turn to the door. With a deep breath, I reach for the handle and open the door. Sounds of monitors beeping fill my ears, and my eyes rest on Kade. His eyes are closed. I close the door behind me and then slowly make my way over to him.
"Kade," I say, fighting away another sob as I take in his broken body, held together by casts and stitches. "Kade, I don't know if you can hear me." I take his hand into mine, lacing our fingers together. His hands are freezing. "But Emma and I are here for you. I'm not leaving until you wake up," I choke out. "I'm not leaving, Kade."
*Over Two Weeks Later*
Every moment since the accident has been nothing but a dull, numb, blur. I have spent every night in the hospital, barely ever leaving the room. It nearly feels like a prison. The others come to visit sometimes. I leave the room when Noah comes. It's hard to be around him when I know I have to be here for Kade right now. No one has heard from Jessica at all. I've fallen behind in my online classes, but I e-mailed my professors, and they all gave me extenstions.
"Hey, Iris," says the perky nurse from the first night that I arrived here as she enters the room holding a clipboard. I have learned that her name is Jane. She has made my time here a lot easier.
I return an exhausted smile. "Hey, Jane. Did you just get here?"
She nods. "Yes, I'm just doing my rounds right now. Maybe on my break, we could grab a bite to eat together."
I nod. "That'd be nice. I'm sure I'll be hungry by then."
She checks Kade's vitals and makes sure that everything is in order with his monitors and feeding tube. Once she is finished, she leaves, and I lean back in the recliner that I have thoroughly broken in over the past couple of weeks. I flip the T.V. on and find Kade's hand, sliding my fingers between his.
"You know," I say to him. "I really hope that you wake up before Emma gets here. You still have a few months."
I kick my feet up, glancing down at my swollen ankles. I really don't think that he can hear me anymore. I just talk to him to keep myself sane.
A couple of hours pass. I close my eyes and lean my head back, becoming bored of the T.V. Just as I feel myself begin to drift off to sleep, I am brought back by a gentle squeeze from Kade's hand in mine, followed by a little wiggle of his fingers. My eyes fly open.
"Kade?" I exclaim, feeling a lump form in my throat. "Kade, can you hear me?" I wait a moment, and then my hand is squeezed, harder this time. I sit up straight, leaning over to his bed.
My mouth falls open as Kade's eyes slowly open, and when our eyes meet, a small, sleepy smile crosses his face. This feels like a dream. "Iris," he whispers from his dry throat. "Hi, Angel." I was afraid I'd never see those dark, brown, eyes staring back at me again.
I try to smile back, but tears begin to cloud my vision. "Hi, Kade. How do you feel?"
He glances around, the smile slowly fading from his face. "My head hurts. Where am I?" I notice that is speech is a little slurred and delayed.
I take a deep, shaky breath. "You're in the hospital. You had an accident."
"Oh," he replies, quietly, pausing as he processes this. "Well, when can we go home?"
"Do you want me to go ask the doctor for you? I should really tell them that you're awake." I say, trying to find an excuse to have a moment alone. I can't take this. He is so lost.
He nods, smiling at me. "Sure. Thanks, Angel."
I bite back more tears as he uses the old name for me that he always use to call me. "I'll be right back," I say, nodding.
I push myself up from the chair and turn to walk away, but just before I do, Kade grabs my wrist, stopping me. "What is that?" He asks, stunned.
I turn back to him, puzzled. "What do you mean?"
His eyes nearly bulge out of his head as he fully takes in the sight of all of my belly. "You're pregnant?" He chokes out, tears springing into his eyes. My jaw drops. I stand there, staring down at him. He looks just as confused as I do mortified. His hand falls from mine, and tears begin to roll down his cheeks. "How long have I been asleep?"
"K-Kade," I stutter. "You've only been out for a couple of weeks. Do you not remember the past several months?"
He shakes his head, and his eyes flicker back to my belly. "It's our baby?" He asks, quietly. I nod, still fighting back a sob. His tired eyes find mine again. "Why don't you look happy then, Angel?"
His words rip me open. How can this be happening? What did I do to deserve this? "I-I can't do this," I cry, rushing out of the room.
"Iris, wait!" Kade shouts from behind me, his voice cracking. "Don't leave me."
"I'll be back with the doctor," I call over my shoulder just before closing the door behind me.