- Tuesday, March 6th, –
I just gave a presentation with Sam about a project that we're doing with Nikki and Vera. But other then usual, Sam had to step in on a regular base to answer questions at the end, because I basically messed up a big part of what I was supposed to explain. I simply left out a lot of information and I think I simply screwed up the presentation single handed. But how could I focus while I'm a mess even when I'm not doing anything that requires me to focus. And then there's the fact I'm in a classroom I know Finnley was in when I first saw him in this school, and I can't keep my eyes off the table he was seated at.
He was here, and now he's not.
All I want right now is to find him, make sure he's alive and well, and be with him again. I lost way too many time that I could've spent with him because of trivial fights and I hate it that we finally stepped over that line, told each other how important we are to each other, only for Jeff to take him away from me again.
Normally, I would've stayed after class to talk over what went wrong, and to solve some issues that came up during the round of questions. But today I simply lacked the energy to stay until the last class was finished, and I told Sam I was going home early.
He didn't even complain. Which is probably because I look like a zombie to begin with. Let alone the fact I'm not my cheery and outgoing self.
And instead of staying home, I decide to screw all, grab some stuff, and head over to my parents. I let Nathan, Stan and Oliver know that I went to my hometown, to my parents, and that I would let them know when I will be back. But right now, I need a bit of motherly pampering and I'll admit, I'd like some dull messing around with dad too.
I miss his stupid dad-jokes.
But I mostly miss my mom's wise words and her way of calming me down with the simplest of smiles or gestures.
It takes over half an hour to drive home and when I arrive, both of my parents are already home from work, with both their cars on the driveway. I park mine – or actually Finnley's car – in front of the house, grab my bag and head around the back like I always used to.
"Cody, is that you?" My mom calls out when I put my bag on the ground and open the fridge to grab a drink. "Could you get me some water?"
I chuckle and grab her a bottle of water, following the sound of her voice towards the dining room. She's setting the table, and not just for her and dad, but for two more.
"Could you put out an extra plate?" I ask innocently as I lean against the doorpost.
She jumps up, swirls around and looks at me with wide eyes. "Cristian!" She calls out, rushing towards me. "Oh, baby! I didn't know you were coming over today. Don't you have school tomorrow?" She hugs me, and I feel my entire body relax in her hold, sighing in content as I hold her close and bury my face in the croak of her neck. I swore I grew a little since I last saw her around new year, because she seems to get smaller every time.
"I'm taking a coupe of days of," I mutter, holding her while she wanted to pull away, to tell her I'm not done hugging her yet.
"Honey..." My mom sounds sad. "Bad day?"
"Bad three months." I mumble sadly. "My birthday sucked, I suck in school, I don't like soccer right now..."
Mom cups my face and forces me to look up towards her. "Well, let me spoil you for a bit." She smiles. "And since you're here a couple of days early anyway, I'll get your birthday present in a minute. It's in the office." She pecks a kiss on my head after pushing back my hair.
They called me on my birthday, and we call about once a week, but seeing her in person is way better then talking to her over the phone.
"I just want a couple of days to do nothing and sulk in self-pity. Can I hide here for a while?"
"Off course you can." She smiles, pecking another kiss on my head.
"Who's coming over for dinner?"
"Ooh..." Mom let's go and we both look towards the table. I hand her the bottle of water. "Eva and James..." She looks back at me. "I wouldn't have agreed on this if I knew you would be here today."
"Oh... Why are they coming over? I thought you guys had a fight about me and Finn."
"We did, but Eva called me this morning and they want to talk to us. They need to tell us something and they're not doing that great with Finnley missing again... I couldn't turn my back on them. They've been our best friends since high school."
"Finnley was their son since birth, that didn't stop them from turning their backs on him."
"They've changed, Cris." Mom taps my cheek. "I don't think they're that much opposed to it anymore."
"They aren't?"
"They've shown interest in how you're doing too. Asking if you're able to keep up and all..." She smiles carefully. "It seems genuine, Cris. And your father and I want to hear what they want to tell us and decide if we're going to give them a chance to redeem themselves after that."
I shrug, finding myself not caring about it much right now. "I guess that's only fair..." I drawl, disagreeing to that statement a bit. Eva and James haven't treated Finnley or me fair either. But it's none of my business and I just want to be home for a while.
I guess having dinner with the Lunds is just a small bump I have to overcome first.
"Cris!" My dad calls out behind me, much enthusiasm in his voice, making me smile a bit. "I thought I heard your voice already!" He opens his arms to invite me into a hug, which I answer happily.
"Hi dad."
"It's good to see you again." He tells me, patting my back gently. "How are you doing?" He holds me at armlength, taking me in. "You look tired."
"I'm exhausted, I'm not doing good... I'm staying here for a while."
"You can stay as long as you want." He tells me with a sad smile. "And if we can do anything, just let us know."
"Just act the same as always. I need a bit of familiarity."
"Got it." He chuckles. "So, I still get to make jokes?"
I chuckle along with him and nod. "Please, yes. I need a bit of goofing around or whatever. Everything is so depressing right now."
"Oh, I can do goofing around." He nudges me with a grin on his face, before we both look to my mom, who's smiling towards us warmly.
"It's good to have you home again, Cris," She tells me with a sigh. "Just to be with our little family again feels good."
* * * * *
I'm nervously biting my bottom lip as Eva and James take a seat at the table. I'm seated next to dad since I made it very clear I did not want to sit next to either one of Finnley's parents. They showed a bit of surprise when mom told them I was present during dinner too, as I showed up unexpected. But then they both greeted me – acknowledging my presence more then they did in the past nearly two years.
This setting reminds me of the last time I saw them; at Eva's birthday, during dinner, with Finnley safe and sound next to me. It had been five days before he went missing again.
None of us knew what would happen only five days after we confronted his parents with the truth about Sydney and that very fact seems so unimportant right now.
"So, Cristian..." James clears his throat while gazing in my direction with tired eyes. They're both a mere shadow of the people they were before. There's no trace of the pride they always showed. They're not showing any strength, they're not showing anything that tells me they think they're better then others. They're defeated, exhausted, almost like a hollow shell, lacking the presence of a soul.
I stare back at James, who seems to have lost some weight. But other then Eva, at least he seems to be alive in some way. There's still some colour on his skin, still something in his eyes. Eva is simply a pale, tired version of her former self.
So, maybe they are more affected by Finnley's abduction then I figured they would be. They haven't seen him in a very long time and they didn't seem all too cheerful when we showed up in November. But I guess they felt a bit at ease while he was safe, with aunt Cady taking care of him.
Right now, it's just a mystery how he's doing. Is he even alive? Is he living in decent circumstances? With enough food and water to not be hungry too much? Is he close, or on the other side of the world?
"How are you doing?" James carefully asks the question that lingered in the air for a short while.
"Shitty," I tell him with a shrug.
"Do you have people who you can go to?"
I frown, uncomfortable because I'm not used to him showing any concerns about me. "I do, yes." I nod along with my answer, staring towards my plate afterwards.
"You lost weight, Cris." Eva's voice even is lacking strength. It's not the firm tone-of-voice I'm used to. It's not full of judgements or disapproval, and it throws me off guard a bit.
"I guess..." I answer, not knowing how to respond, sighing in relief as dad walks into the dining room, taking his seat next to me. "But I'm not the only one." I send her a quick look and she nods in confirmation.
"Cris..." James again clears his throat and this whole conversation is becoming more awkward every second. "We're actually happy that you're here tonight..."
"I wouldn't really care if you weren't happy about that..." I grumble after I finally found back part of the anger towards them. "It's my home, my parents, my right to be here..."
"That's not what James meant to say..." Eva tells me in a hushing tone, like she's trying to shush me and prevent me from starting an argument. "We're here to apologize..." Eva starts as soon as mom walks in with the first two plates of food, serving them the plates first. "To all of you."
Mom nods and smiles, dad shortly looks at me but then smiles too, and I start to feel even angrier right now. I can't pin-point the exact reason my anger towards them grows each second, but it does.
Mom leaves shortly to grab the last three plates, serving us before sitting down at the head of the table on my left.
"We've been so, so blinded by our believes, and with that we judged others..." Eva starts pretty strong, but then her voice falters, and her eyes already water and I'm not sure if this is the right moment to talk about this. But what else would we talk about until they at least tried to clear the air? The first tear already dripped down before she's able to hold the tears in. "We failed our son..." And then she breaks down and I can't help but feel a bit shitty for her right now.
I don't even know why I feel sorry for her as I really hate everything about her. But maybe it's the fact I haven't seen her break down ever before. She always stood tall, keeping up her appearance and the strong mentality. And now she's a sobbing mess with James trying to comfort her while sending us an apologetic look.
"What Eva was trying to say is that we realise we failed to love Finnley unconditionally and we should've been there for him every step along the way. It's our fault he got into trouble, it's our fault he didn't feel welcome or safe..." James takes in a deep breath. "We've been blinded for far too long and in the last three months we've been going to therapy to deal with all of this."
"So?" I frown, sending him an unimpressed look. "Finnley needed to get abducted twice before you realise you do care about him as your son? Or is it because he told you during dinner in November he's still acing tests in school and you guys realised you could still parade him around despite him being gay?"
"Cris..." Mom sighs, knowing I'm ready to start a fight.
"No, Maria..." Eva whispers with a hoarse voice. "Cristian has every right to be angry, to distrust us. We've been terrible parents..." She closes her eyes shortly. "Quite frankly, we haven't really acted like parents at all." She admits with a whisper again, now looking towards me. "I was blinded by how... Finn... was able to fool us. The way he pretended to be with Emma and then him telling us that was all a façade and fake... I couldn't believe it, and I truly felt like he would go to hell for it..."
"But then we saw you two together during that dinner and how just your smile, or you holding his hand, or even just looking at him made him relax and I think it's when we realised you're his soulmate." James gestures towards me. "The look in his eyes whenever he looked at you... you can't fake that."
So, we did get through to them that night?
"What about Sydney?" My tone-of-voice is still cold and distant. I'm not instantly going to forgive them now that they're telling me they accept us as a couple. They've done more things to Finnley then just condemn him for being gay. "What about accusing Finn for sleeping with men willingly while he was forced?"
Eva cries out again at the mere memory that I'm bringing up, and I feel little remorse for reminding her about it.
"We couldn't file reports against Sydney as the case aged..." James clears his throat, sounding panicky. But they don't know that by now, I told my parents what exactly happened to Finnley when he was just a kid. Or how his parents tried to ignore the problem. "We sat down, we talked about it, and Sydney agreed on taking therapy, and admitting it to the cops as soon as Finnley would file an official report. It wouldn't have changed things, but it might have showed Finnley we support him and we're no longer going to try and deny things..." James face by now is beat red and I can't help but grin smugly because he's struggling over this topic.
"Where's Sydney now?"
"The three of us agreed it might be best for him to move out..." Eva tells me with a steadier voice then James had when he spoke. "But we haven't heard from Sydney in a while. We haven't really focused on keeping contact with him since... Finnley got abducted again."
"So, you again broke contact with one of your sons, instead of trying to fix things?" I pull up an eyebrow. I don't care it's Sydney who got kicked out again, but I do care because Eva always seems to get rid of problems, rather then solving them.
"We tried at first..." James sighs. "But shortly after Finnley went missing, Sydney broke contact, and he kind of disappeared too..."
The last statement causes Eva to cry again, telling me she really didn't want to break contact and is not only morning over Finnley's absence, but over Sydney too.
But that's not what caught my attention.
"Sydney disappeared shortly after Finnley went missing again?" I nearly choke on my sip of water, trying to flush some food down my throat because let's face it; I'm not hungry at all. "And that didn't set of any alarm bells? We called him out on abusing Finn, and within a week, Finnley is gone and Sydney too?"
Eva cries harder, and James puts down his cutlery, clearing his throat yet again.
"Cristian, you can't just go and link those events together," my mom tells me firmly.
"The police are looking for Sydney after they found out Sydney was stalking Finnley in the weeks prior to the abduction." James tells me with a flat voice, dropping a bomb by telling me Sydney was stalking Finnley while we were together. Why didn't Finnley tell me he was struggling with this? "To be completely honest with you, Sydney appeared shortly after Finnley came home from that first abduction and he left right after Finnley disappeared again. The police distrust him."
"Why didn't Finn tell me..." I mutter, staring down towards my hands.
"There's something else we need to discus." Eva is now the one who clears her throat. "We found letters in Finnley's room that came from Emma when she was in jail last year..."
I frown, since I'm pretty sure I had those letters and I still have the shoebox containing them in my bedroom back home.
"We had some questions about their contact and we visited her about a month ago."
"You visited Emma?" Now even dad is surprised. "You know she had a hand in his disappearance, huh? You know she isn't the perfect daughter in law you thought she would be?"
"We do." Eva nods with a sad face. "But that also means she might still know things we don't, and we needed answers."
"About things in those letters?" Mom asks, putting down her cutlery too. "What's in those letters?"
"Apparently, Finnley visited her in jail twice, and it's mostly about that, and how she wants to be with him again." James tells us, surprising me because I don't have any letters that hint towards him visiting her. Yes, she begged him to, but letter after letter she kept whining that he didn't. But now they're telling me he did?
"There's something you need to know, Cris." Eva leans forward, almost wanting to grab my hand, but placing her hand in front of mine instead of on top of it. "Emma is pregnant, and she claims the child is Finn's."