The rest of the weekend had gone by fast with no interruptions of any human form, not even Katie bothered to show her face after her none existing presence at that damn party.
As I walk through the halls no one is pointing or laughing at me but that doesn't stop the stares they give me, I felt like I was a target today and I have no clue why, with everyone staring I thought there was someone following behind me with a bucket of liquid of some sort but every time I looked behind me no one was there, you could say I'm on edge today but don't ask me the reason why.
The 1st few classes went by smoothly something I was thankful for becus I could finally concentrate on the lecture the teacher was giving, but now as I sit In the lunch room and with the stares I would get every now and then I became on alert once more , I wouldn't say I was waiting for something but I wasn't wondering either, last week, I wasn't a bother but this week I wasn't so sure.
Katie was quietly eating her lunch making small talk with me but nothing more, I wasn't mad at her and she knew this but for some unknown reason she wasn't being the friend I once had, I didn't understand but I didn't push the issue either.
As I munch on my food I heard a few people laughing, it's like my instincts had sunk in making me stand onto my feet within seconds.
There she was, the queen bitch standing right in front of me with a tray full of gravy smiling at me, now you would think I would move or at least push the tray before she had a chance but I didn't, I Just stood there like a dumb ass and watch her pour the gravy onto my head.
The room burst into laughter causing a few people to take photos and videos of the scene in front of them, I didn't know what todo but wipe the drippings out of my eyes.
I stood there staring at queen bitch watching her laugh, all I wanted todo was to hit her, poke her eyes out and maybe rip her throat out, but I didn't do a thing, I stood there like an idiot, a coward, feeling the single tear escape down my cheek. "why?" I whispered
"What was that nerd?" she asked laughing
"Why do you do this?" I repeated
"Becuz I want to" she answered
I became quiet again taking in my surroundings, there were kids pointing,laughing, taking photos and video tapping saying things about YouTube and how stupid I look.
I look over at Katie who was standing by me with sadness in her eyes, I gave her my brave look before turning around and walking away.
The kids were yelling, poking and pushing me as I walked by.
Once I made it out the doors i headed back to the lockers room I became such good friends with and washed out all the gravy and putting on my extra pair of clothes .
I stayed there, siting in a corner in the back of the room with my legs to my chest an allowed myself to cry for the very 1st time.
I don't understand why these people treated me this way, I have never done anything but be kind to them even after all the pranks I would greet or past by them with manors or grace, I didn't deserve this, I didn't deserve to be treated like a dog, who am I kidding even a dog gets treated better then I do.
I have everything they have, maybe more, I look and dress just like them but they make me feel like I don't, is it my face? Am I just not pretty enough for them?
I laid my head on top of my knees allowing the tears to flow out, my heart felt weak and my pride didn't exist anymore, I felt like a piece of shit with nowhere Togo or anyone to make it better, times like this I would run to Anthony but he wasn't here.
I just don't understand any of it. I understand if they would just let me know what i did wrong, I sobbed harder with this thought.
It's all jakes faults every single thing I go through was becuz of him, if he wouldn't have done what he did to me then they wouldn't do what they do.
"Why" I cried "what did I do" I cried to myself.
"Jessie?" someone whispered
I turned my head away from whoever it was not wanting them to see me cry
"Jessica, are you ok?" they placed a hand on my knee siting down in front of me "talk to me"
"Go away " I whispered
"Please" they begged
I looked up seeing it was jake "why are u here? to video me crying? Go ahead get it over with" I laid my head back onto my knees facing away from him
"No I'm not here for that Jess" he whispered
"Then what do you want?" I choked out
"I wanted to know if you are ok"
"I'm fine, now leave "
"C'mon don't be like, talk to me"
I looked back at him "talk to you? why would I talk to you, your the reason behind this" I spat
"I didn't do this to you, Sarah did"
"You started it, all the pranks, all the bullying, all of it was becuz of you!" I found myself yelling at him "don't you understand I'm done! don't you see that I'm broken now! just leave me alone!"
"Jessica im...."
"Idc if your sorry, I don't want your sorries, I want you to leave me alone!"
"If you would just let me...."
I stood up wanting him to stop speaking "leave me alone!!!!!" I screamed
He stood up grabbing my hand "please Jessica just listen "
I yanked my hand away "no, I'm tired of you, all this was done becuz of you!! all my pain, all my tears is you!! " I screamed into his face "you were never a good friend to me becuz if you were you have never done such things to me! that's why I turned to Anthony! that's why I fucked Anthony !!!" I screamed once more
Jake must have gotten angry becuz he now had me pinned against the wall yelling at me "you are such a fucking bitch! you didn't fuck him becuz of me, you fucked him becuz you wanted to, no scratch that he fucked you not the other way around!"
"Get off of me!!"
"No! not till you listen to me"
"No!"
"I'm sorry for what I have done, and I don't have a reason behind it but I'm sorry, a thousands times!"
I wiggled out his grip and pushed him backwards causing him to fall, he jumped back onto his feet but didn't touch me "I don't give a fuck! just leave me alone! what do you not understand about that damn word? are you that stupid jake?"
"Don't call me stupid, I'm not the one who fucked a guy who planned it all"
"You don't know Anthony so don't speak about him, he was there for me when u weren't, he was the one who made me better when I was like this, he was and is the only one who cares to speak to me even with his damn friends around him!" I yelled "he cares for me maybe not in a way I thought he would but he does care for me as a friend"
Jake stayed quiet allowing me to speak my mind "jake, he was my security blanket, he made all the pain you caused Togo away, something you should have done, don't you get it? you are the reason for all of this"
"Jessica"
"No let me talk, the day you 1st pranked me was the hardest and most saddest day of my life, I thought I had lost my best friend and the worst part was I thought it was my fault , I thought I wasn't good enough for your life, I thought I wasn't pretty enough, when in reality I'm better then all of you. my sprit has been taken from me and it's all becuz of you " I took a step away from him " if you want me to be ok, then leave me alone, all of it, all the pranks and bullying, let me be, please " I choked out
The tears were falling from my eyes as I spoke the words I held in for so long, it hurt to say those things to him knowing I really didn't want him to disappear from my life becuz let's face it jake was my life but now I had to let it go, I couldn't help the emotions to fall out of my eyes.
Jake took a few steps towards me making me lean against the wall, his closeness wasn't uncomfortable or nerve wrecking, it was nice, the warmth his body was giving mine was comforting, but the hurt wouldn't allow me to focus on that .
He moved a piece of hair out my face placing his hand on my cheek, he studied my face for the longest time, wiping away any tears that would fall, his touch felt good but his eyes made me feel afraid, afraid that I had just said the most hurtful and wrong thing to say.
"Is that what you want? you want me to leave you alone?" he whispered
I nodded my head yes
"Say it then, say you want me to leave"
"I want you to leave me alone " I whispered never taking my eyes off his.
"I don't believe you" he whispered taking his hand away from my face and backing away.he didn't say another word before he walked out the locker room .
I slid down the wall catching my breath I didn't know I was holding , I allowed more tears to fall and decided to leave once I knew everyone was in there classes , I couldn't face anyone nor did I want anyone to see the pain .....
All my teen life i wanted to fit in , i wanted to be accepted , not by all but by one , Jake .
He was the only person i ever wanted to impress , he meant everything to me. My whole life felt empty without him
What did i just do?
The tears fell harder , walking was becoming harder and harder with every tear but i kept going , with my head held high i walked past groups of kids who lingered the halls , who have video taped me, and who have laughed at me since the 7th grade.
"Jessica are you ok?" Some boy was trying go walk with me i cant remeber his name
Looking at him i said " fuck off"
His eyebrows frowned in cunfusion but stepped away.
I was not taking it anymore
I was not letting anyone speak to me or laugh at me anymore.
I pass by jakes math class and saw him siting quietly in his seat.
His face was focused on the teacher but it didnt look as if he was paying attention. His lips were straight , a sign of anger.
I just stood there watching him.
Every breath he took , i took.
His eyes finally met mine
But we both showed no emotion.
Was he done ?
Was i done?
I never wanted to be done
But it was something that had to be done.
I walked away and never looked back.