More happy than not.
That was the title of the book written by Adam Silvera and it really represents what I'm feeling right now. In the novel, the protagonist underwent to a procedure where particular memories he picked will be erased. Since he doesn't know that he already went through the Leteo Institute (this is where the memory erasing process is done) when his life went downhill again, he decided to seek the help of Leteo again but he didn't continue because the people surrounding him objected and just showed their love to him.
If you would ask me, right after my heart to heart talk with Theo kung gusto ko na bang mamatay. I'll answer with generous amount of convinction and say yes. Just like that main character on that book, it's my way to forget. Just like him, I was friendzoned, well na-friendzoned siya I don't know what kind of zone-shit you will call my situation since Theo and I are far from friends now. Again, just like him, there are people around me na lagi akong nire-remind na I'm not alone. Kaya just like him, I chose to live.
Habang dinadamdan ko 'yung paglisan ni Theo at umiisip ng paraan para maka-move on, nag-ring ang cellphone ko at lumitaw ang caller ID ni Clark. I'm not mad at Clark. Again, I am thankful that I have him. He is not even partly to blame about my breakup with Theo. Somehow it's my fault. I should've told Theo about those things kahit na feeling ko ay maliit na bagay lamang sila and not worth talking about. In a relationship, whether maliit or malaking bagay, they matter. Never neglect the power of conversing with someone you love honestly. You know, little sincere talks can strengthen the trust towards each other.
Sinagot ko 'yung tawag ni Clark noon. And he immediately ask kung nasaan ako. I did not answer his question exactly at sinabi ko na lang na pabalik na ako. As much as possible that time, ayoko masyadong magsalita for he will detect a hint na umiiyak ako. Pero Clark really knows me. Kahit na kakaunting salita lang ang sinabi ko, alam niya na may mali.
Pinilit niya ako kaagad na sabihin kung nasaan ako exactly at ayoko naman siya na mag-alala nang sobra kaya sinabi ko na rin.
Nang makabalik ako sa villa, kasama si Clark na walang ginawa kung hindi pagaanin ang pakiramdam ko habang pabalik kami sa villa namin. He asked me once what happened pero I refused to talk about it. Hindi naman siya nagpamulit na alamin pa pero alam ko na bukas o samakalawa he will ask me again. I'll tell him naman, not just that day.
Upon checking the villa, nalaman na lang namin na Theo already left. Pero iniwan niya si Sophie. Wala kaming choice the next day kung hindi isama si Sophie sa sasakyan namin na walang ginawa kung hindi mag-rant about sa pang-iiwan ni Theo sa kanya. Nobody gave a damn about her, all I know is inikutan ko siya ng mata nang maraming beses.
I'm currently, more happy than not. I'm on the healing process. Mas naging masugid si Kent with his getting to know me move. The guy's not making me uncomfortable, he's actually really funny at kahit papaano he helps on easing the pain na nararamdaman ko. He's doing what he promised.
Ngayon nga, nasa restaurant kaming dalawa, sa kwarto na para lamang sa aming dalawa ni Steph, manager. Naging mas frequent ang pagbisita ko sa restaurant ko dahil doon sa letter na ibinigay. Supposedly no'ng isang araw pa dumating 'yung sinasabi na babawi ng restaurant pero wala namang dumating. Steph and I concluded na someone was just playing some trick on us. We disregarded it na lang and focused on making our sales improve.
So I would like to narrate the story of my restaurant, this was an old house of ours, ginawa ko na lang na restaurant para maiba 'yung ambiance. Every time kasi na pumupunta ako rito, puro mapapait na alaala ang bumabalot sa isip ko. Clark suggested na why not renovate the place and make it more lively. That's when we come up to make it a restaurant where our customers will feel na parang nasa bahay lang sila. Fortunately, it progressed.
Siguro dahil nasanay na rin ako, natanggal na rin 'yung mga bad thoughts ko kapag nandito ako. I am busy reviewing 'yung papers sa restaurant pero walang humpay akong kinukulit ni Kent. Naka-dantay 'yung ko sa balikat niya habang inaamoy niya ng pa-ulit-ulit 'yung buhok ko. Hindi ko naman maiwasan na ma-distract sa pagre-review ko ng mga papel na hawak ko.
"Ang bango mo talaga Rence," Malambing na saad ni Kent nang tumigit ng bahagya sa pag-ubos ng amoy sa buhok ko. "Nagugutom na tuloy ako."
"Nakakagutom ba buhok ko?" Natatawa kong tanong.
"Hindi lang buhok mo Rence," Husky niyang sagot.
Kent has been very sensual. Minsan pinapatulan ko, minsan hindi. Depende sa mood ko. Pero we never went further than kissing. I'm making sure na kung magiging long-lasting 'yung nararamdaman namin ni Kent hindi lust 'yung magiging foundation nito. We all know na pwedeng maging gano'n lang 'yung sense ng isang same-sex relationship minsan.
"Pero gutom na talaga ako, dinner na tayo?" Malumanay niyang ginalaw ang katawan niya upang makaupo ng maayos at para hindi ako mabigla at mahulog 'yung ulo ko. "Kanina ka pa nagta-trabaho, pahinga ka naman." He said with care and he smiled sweetly.
"Later na, ten minutes," Apila ko sa kanya. Guilty naman ako na kanina pa ako nagbabasa ng documents, pero you can't blame me. I'm worried pa rin about my restaurant kahit na hindi na nagpaparamdam 'yung threat. Hindi ko rin ide-deny na gutom na rin ako, considering konti lang 'yung kinain ko kaninang lunch. "Last na 'to."
"Bilisan mo bebs, baka ikaw makain ko." Playful na banggit niya at kinagat 'yung tenga ko. Hinampas ko naman siya sa mga matitigas niyang braso bago siya tumayo at tumungo sa banyo.
Tulad ng sinabi ko, binilisan ko 'yung pagbabasa. Nang makasiguro ako na stable naman 'yung restaurant. Nag-ayos na ako ng sarili at hinitay si Kent na lumabas sa comfort room. I don't know what took him so long doon.
Nang makalabas na si Kent. We're ready to go. Nagpaalam muna ako kay Sophie bago tuluyang lumabas. I actually suggested to Kent na doon na lang kami kumain since masarap naman 'yung mga pagkain doon. Bias aside. Pero sinabi niya lang na may pupuntahan kami na malapit sa pagkakainan namin after kumain. I just complied to what he wants.
Kumain kami sa medyo fancy na restaurant. Hindi siya 'yung very fancy na umaabot ng two thousand pesos every dish. 'Yung sakto lang 'yung kasosyalan. I was satisfied naman with their food.
Kent and I just talked comfortably. I was actually quite amaze no'ng sinabihan niya 'yung waiter na tanggalin ang peanut if ever merom 'yung in-order ko. Though I'm sure na wala naman, still, the mere fact na natatandaan niya and he cares is something.
Kent and I in a span of weeks, masasabi ko na we already know each other, especially sa mga basics. We also talked about our pasts. We shared memories with each other. We also shared opinions about things. Pero I've got to say na there are still things na hindi namin nalalaman. I'm sure naman na they will unfold as our relationship flourishes.
After that dinner, dinala ako ni Kent sa isang park. We just walk and talk, savoring the breeze of the night.
"Paano na trabaho mo sa company nina Clark?" Tanong ni Kent habang patuloy kaming naglalakad.
Biglang umihip 'yung hangin na malamig. Gininaw naman ako nang kaunti. Nakita 'yun ni Kent kaya mabilis niyang tinanggal 'yung denim niyang jacket. Tinanggap ko na lang ito. Ilang buwan na lang at magpapasko na rin kaya malamig na talaga simoy ng hangin.
Nang maisuot ko na 'yung jacket ay sinagot ko ang katanungan niya. "Okay naman na." Pauna kong salita. "Kinausap na ako ng dad ni Clark. He said na na-disappoint siya sa nangyari since I failed to impress Theo sa first try pero Theo did not retreated the investment offer naman. May conference na mangyayari tomorrow, sadly, hindi ako 'yung magha-handle. Nabanggit kasi ng board na hindi dapat ako since Theo seemed to dislike me raw. Pumayag na lang ako though I want to grab that chance to make bawi. Ano bang laban ko sa kanila? Ang mahalaga, I'm still part of the company."
Clark assured me even before my meeting with his dad na everything is settled. His Dad knows 'yung mga effort ko for his company and he said a single mistake won't be the reason for him to evict me completely sa company niya.
"How about Clark?" I stared at him.
"Anong tungkol kay Clark?" Tanong ko. Paano ko naman kasi sasagutin 'yon.
"Clark's opinion about our relationship." Pagka-clarify niya.
"Honestly, he don't like the idea of us pero I reasoned out with him and made him understand na we will take things slow and there's nothing wrong about what we're doing." Naramdaman ko na inakbayan niya ako at hinila ang katawan ko palapit sa katawan niya. "He was convinced naman sa lahat ng sinabi ko sa kanya and he just reminded me na 'wag muna daw akong makikipag-sex sa'yo!" Sabi ko habang natatawa nang mahina.
"Grabe mag-isip 'yang si Clark ha! Very futuristic." Pagbibiro niya habang natatawa rin. Totoo naman kasi, sa dami nang pwedeng i-advice 'di ba bakit 'yun pa. And yes, hindi 'yun joke, 'yun 'yung reason why. "Tell him, I won't force you, unless gusto mo talaga, hindi ako aapila," Pilyo niyang banggit. Kinurot ko naman siya ng mahina sa tiyan. Promise, unintentional na ma-feel ko 'yung abs niya. "I respect you Rence, you know that." Tumigil siya sa paglalakad at iniharap niya ako sa kanya. Nakita ko ang mukha niya na nakangiti. Ang gwapo talaga ni Kent. I wouldn't regret being with him. He's a boyfriend material din.
Nginitian ko lang siya and I made sure na 'yung ngiti ko ay abot sa mata 'yung saya. Unti-unting lumapit 'yung labi niya sa ulo ko haggang mapadpad ito sa noo ko. Hindi ko mapigilan na mapangiti, nararamdam ko rin ang pag-init ng aking pisngi. Kent is the type of guy na mahilig mang-kiss, kind of clingy na rin pero I'm not complaining kasi I liked him like that, like his way of showing his affection sa akin. Pero as he said kanina, he respects me, and he knows the limits.
"Thank you Kent." Bulong ko habang mahigpit niya akong niyayakap. Hindi naman nakawala sa pang-amoy ko 'yung napaka-panlalaking amoy ni Kent. Turn on talaga kapag mabango 'yung isang lalaki. 'Yung bang kahit kili-kili na 'yung inaamoy mo mabango pa rin. Pero 'wag kayo, my head is currently pressed sa dibdib ni Kent na firm at hindi sa kung saan.
I just hugged him too as I lifted my gaze only to see him looking at me too.
Right then, I know that Kent loves me. I am hundred percent sure na what I saw on his eyes is something. Something enough for me to pursue what we have.
Nakauwi ako ng masaya. I texted Clark na nakauwi na ako. He reminded me kasi na mag-text ako kauwi ko baka raw kung saam ako dalhin ni Kent. Hindi ko naman mapipilit si Clark na gustuhin kaagad si Kent for me. Everything has it's process, may mga bagay na mabilis lang, may mga bagay naman na gradual bago mangyari.
Natawa naman ako sa reply niya: Buti naman he thought of bringing you home pa. It's almost midnight na Rence. I thought he directed you to a hotel na.
"Ang bad mo talaga mag-isip about him. Take a chance to know him and you'll see na he's a nice a person."
"Ayoko nga. Baka sa akin pa ma-in love 'yun."
"HAHAHAHA ako lang mahal no'n. Asa ka."
"I'm just kidding Rence. Hindi kita aagawan. HAHAHAHA. I just want to say na I'm happy talaga for you. Finally you've been recovering with our friend na gago. I wish you all the best. Don't hesitate to tell me if something wrong happens okay?"
"Yes sir. You can also be confident na I'll do the right choices this time."
"I know. You're wiser Rence." "Good night"
"Good night too Clark. Labyu bestie!"
"Love you too."
And our conversation ended. Makakatulog akong may ngiti sa labi knowing Clark kind of concurred na sa relationship na meron ako with Kent. I'm happy na he's happy for me and that he trust me na I'll really forget Theo this time.
It might cost me a lot of time pero I know I'll reach that day. That day na hindi ko na iisipin si Theo, hindi ko na iisipin 'yung sinabi niya na mahal niya ako ngunit huli na ang lahat. Alam ko darating din ako sa araw na hindi na ako aasa na magkakabalikan kami tuwing makikita ko siya.
Uumpisan ko bukas. Maaring makita ko si Theo sa office tomorrow at gagawin ko ang aking makakaya upang ipakita sa kanya na I'm starting to move on.
In this world, we have no choice but to move forward. Stressing over what's needed to be forgotten is not healthy in any way. Breathe and encourage yourself to move forward, no matter how huge the steps are, what's important is you're moving. You've escaped the trap of stagnancy.
I'm more happy than not today but I know with patience I'll be completely happy in the future.