The next day wasn’t much better. It was a Monday, which meant school, and the homework I hadn’t done over the weekend would be due. Well, then again, I was already so far into the depths of pitiful grades that one more addition to the growing pile wouldn’t hurt me too much.
Let’s just say that since the visions started, I hadn’t been too focused on solving math problems while trying to solve my own.
Breakfast was awkward since my mom wouldn’t look me in the eyes, and my 18-year-old brother Ben would add nothing to the conversation. He was far to enthralled with using his phone to text his girlfriend.
I looked on in disgust, as my mom did nothing about Ben’s phone. I mean seriously? When dad was alive he didn’t allow phones at the table. Meals were family time, and phones took away from the conversation.
In the beginning, I had found that rule a bit unfair. But now, I was glad that Dad had made it, as I remembered fondly all the good times we had at this table. I could understand where Dad had been coming from now, a phone at the table took away from the family atmosphere that I missed so dearly.
Looking at Dad’s empty chair, sitting forlorn in the corner with an already thin layer of dust, I realized I missed more than one thing dearly. Letting out a deep sigh, I scooped myself another spoonful of cereal, and wondered how in such a short time so many things could change. At the same time, my mom cleared her throat.
“Ben,” She said aloud, and he and I looked up expectantly. I was waiting for her to berate him for his use of the cell phone at the table, but she just stated simply, “I want you to drive your sister to school today.”
My elder brother let out a groan, as though it were really that complicated for him. Since we went to the same high school, it would be identical to the routine he used everyday, except I would just be sitting in the passenger seat next to him.
Although, I suppose it may cramp his ‘Senior-style’ to show up at school with his younger Junior sister in tow.
“She has her license, why can’t she drive herself to school.” Ben protested, and while he made a valid point, I waited for my mom to point out the obvious.
“Your sister doesn’t have a car.”
Bingo.
My brother seemed to have forgotten that to pay of the bills (conjured up by the fact that we no longer had a dad who worked to bring home the bacon) we had sold the old beat up car that I called my own.
Ben’s face fell pretty quickly after mom said that, but then I could see the gears clicking in his head as his face suddenly lit up. “Why doesn’t she drive dad’s car?”
My spoon clattered against the table nosily as I stared up at my brother in horror. He didn’t just say what I think he said, did he? Take dad’s car? Dad’s 45 Mustang? That thing was his baby; I wasn’t going to touch it. What if I scratched it or something?
Ben noticed my shocked expression, before shrugging and saying, “What? It’s not like he’s going to need to use it anytime soon…”
My mom blinked at my brother, expressionless, and I sat there stunned. I waited for the explosion, for Mom to yell at Ben for talking about dad that way, but as I should’ve known from earlier my mom never did what I expected.
“Your sister,” my mom hesitated, glancing over at me nervously, “Is in a very frail mental state due to the stress from your father’s death, and I don’t want her behind a wheel when she’s so… distracted.”
Boom! A blast of hot fury coursed through my veins as her words repeated over and over again in my head. Had she just said that? Had mom really just said that? Was she trying to make me mad? Probably not, but that didn’t mean I was mad because… I wasn’t.
I was freaking furious.
I slammed my hands down on the table loudly, to get their attention, and in the calmest voice I could muster, I said, “I’ll walk.”
Both my mother and brother looked up, surprised, as though they had forgotten I was there. Even when the whole discussion had been about me, they still left me out. I was sick of it.
My mom was quick to attempt to shoot down my request, “Your brother is going to drive you, so you just wait here until he’s ready to go oka-”
“I’m walking to school Mom, Ben’s not gonna drive me. He doesn’t want to, and I definitely don’t want him to. If I leave now, I can get there with time to spare even, no Ben needed what so ever.” I said, with a glare at Ben, who looked nervously at my mom.
I think he was feeling her worry, because he quickly stated, “No Maya, it’s ok, I’ll drive you, just lemme go get my keys…”
But I ignored him, reaching for my bag, making sure everything I needed was in there… well everything except the uncompleted homework that lay in the trash can in my bedroom upstairs. Not that it would have been much use to me otherwise.
My mom was going to have a heart attack when she saw my report card for this trimester. And just that thought had my stomach doing flip-flops. I wasn’t all that great with confrontation…
Well unless someone makes me mad. But that’s different.
I figured some fresh air would do me some good, so I lifted backpack onto my shoulder, and while my brother was rustling around for his keys I gave a wave to my mom and said, “See you after school!”
“Mayallyn Rose Taylor! You come right back here, right now, or I will ground you until you are fifty, you hear me?” My mom yelled, her voice high pitched as I walked out the door.
Oh no! She’d ground me! My social life would be destroyed… not. Puh-lease? Grounding me? That’s such a pre-teen threat. Besides, what was the worst she could do? Keep me away from my friends?
Yeah right, if a challenge was something that could keep Kelsey away, she would have stopped being my friend the day my dad died, and I refused to talk to anyone. But no, she didn’t, even when everyone else gave up. She spent weeks talking to me about nothing and everything, until finally I could talk again.
She’d probably have fun inventing new ways to sneak into my bedroom to hang without getting caught. Kelsey was just one of those girls who lived for the thrill, and got a kick out of doing things she was told she couldn’t.
So instead I just told my mom, “Yeah, ok, have fun with that.”
What? I was mad, and in my mind Mom deserved it. Sort of.
Ok, so Ben was the one who I should have really released my fantastic, super sarcastic skills on, but he was otherwise occupied, so I’d settle for my mom. No bigge.
Then again, I was also a teeny bit mad at my mom too for telling my brother in rather big words that she thought I was crazy but… you know what? I was mad at both of them! I closed the door behind me with an aggressive slam.
Trudging through the snow, which had piled up on the sidewalk I let out a breath, which swirled into the air as a misty fog and the ice underneath my feet cracked with each step. I pulled my hair back into a slick braid as I walked trying to get my mind off the situation at hand.
Taking deep breath I twirled a lock of hair, weaving it in and out with the other, and even though it was my own hair, the flash of blonde reminded me of my father. It seems like I couldn’t avoid his lingering presence for the past while.
And how could I? Despite the fact that the emptiness of everything around me reminded me of his passing, all I had to do was look in a mirror to see what was gone.
Ever since I was little it had been a source of pride for me to hear I was the girl version of my father, I had admired him deeply since childhood. But was it really that surprising considering we liked all the same things? I didn’t need people to tell me I was a mini-me of my father, I knew that.
I knew that my the light fluffy blonde hair, the warm chocolate brown eyes flecked with gold, the pale skin that burned easily and was dotted in freckles… all of that came from my father. And I had loved it.
Now I felt like crying every time I looked in a mirror.
I fished a compact out of my bag and flipped it open and it was like I was looking at my dad, minus the worry lines, short hair and goatee. Tracing the image faintly, I couldn’t help but wonder if my dad had thought through what he did. How it would affect our family.
How it would affect me.
A loud honk startled me, and flipping the compact shut I looked up to find my brother looking at me through his rolled down car window. We started each other down for a few minutes, before he turned away and said, “Get in.”
I ‘humphed’ and said, “Make me.”
Ben threw me a frustrated glance, “Mom’s already worried enough about you, don’t get sick and make her worry even more. Get in.”
“No.”
I honestly didn’t know where all this attitude was coming from. I had never been like this before dad had died… then again, a lot of things had changed since his death. This was just another one of them.
Ben looked at me, “God so help me Maya, I will get out of this car, a put you in here myself if you do not get in, right now.” I raised an eyebrow, resulting in him yelling, irritated, “I’m serious Maya!”
“Like you were serious about keeping your promise to mom.” I snapped, and Ben’s face instantly fell.
“Is that what this is all about? How many times am I gonna have to say I’m sorry before you finally forgive me?” Ben asked.
“I shouldn’t have to forgive you, you should have been there.” I told my brother glaring at him, and while his eyes showed immense pain and sadness, his voice was full of raw and emotional anger.
“You don’t think I know that Maya? You don’t think I beat myself up about it everyday? That dad might not have died if I had just stayed home from Ricky’s party? If I had made sure, if I had checked up on him like mom asked?” He demanded his voice harsh, but I refused to give in.
“If you beat yourself up about it all the time, how come you were so ok with me using dad’s car huh? How come you talked about dad like that, how come you don’t listen to his rules anymore?”
“He’s dead Maya! None of that stuff matters to anyone except you, so why don’t you just get over it!”
I felt my heart stop, and the world froze for a moment. I could feel my face was full of my grief of how easily my own brother discarded our father even further than he already had. Slowly Ben’s expression became that of horror as he realized what he had just said to me. What can I say? My family wasn’t the best at thinking before they spoke.
“Maya I’m-“
“Why don’t you just get lost Ben?” I asked in a tone similar to his earlier, and now it was Ben’s turn to look hurt.
“May,” Ben said, using a nickname that he hadn’t since childhood. Hadn’t used since he had ‘grown-up’. Hadn’t used since he had forsaken dad. I tried not to let it affect me, “May, please, just… just get in the car.”
“Bye Ben, have a nice drive to school and say ‘Hi.’ to your girlfriend for me, since she’s obviously more important to you than dad and his rules and his car.” My voice was frigid like the air, and Ben’s face fell even more.
“May…”
I gave a little wave, “Uh buh-bye now.”
Ben just shook his head and drove away, giving up so easily. What had happened to dragging me to the car? Just like I’d thought, my brother was as wishy-washy as the next person, and couldn’t be trusted any more to keep promises.
He was no longer the same brother I knew and loved, he had changed.
But then again, so had I.
And with that I resumed my trudge to school.
---
“You’re grounded?” Kelsey groaned, after I explained the situation to her in the locker before classes. She twirled a lock of brown hair around her finger, biting her lip, her mind working in overdrive, “But that means you can’t go to Luke’s party this weekend!”
I rolled my eyes as I shoved books in my locker, “With all due respect Kels, I wasn’t going to go to that party anyway, regardless of my grounding.”
“And why not?” She asked, releasing her hair to put her hands on her hips, her gray eyes boring into me.
“’Cause I don’t want to.” I shrugged, and Kelsey pouted, jutting her lip out as she glared at me.
“Maya,” she stated, “Your public life has been dimmed long enough… it’s time for your social revival! And what better way than to go to Luke’s party? Besides I barely get to see you anymore with your newfound social awkwardness and the fact that you’re in detention all the time…”
I turned to her eyes wide. “Shh!” I demanded, putting a finger to my lips.
Now it was her turn for her eyes to go wide, “You haven’t told them yet? How do you keep it a secret from your mom… and your brother? I mean, I guess I can understand your mom, but your brother goes here!”
“Exactly, and I have had a hard enough time of keeping from him without my best friend screaming it down the hallways. Seriously Kels, I don’t want him to find out and tell my mom.”
Kelsey bit her lip, “Sorry. What have you been telling them all this time?”
I shrugged, “I joined the soccer team, they are forbidden to come to my games, and I have practice after school. Thank goodness Ben takes absolutely no interest in soccer or I would be completely…”
“…busted?” Yeah, except… Kelsey wasn’t the one who said that. The voice that had spoken was male.
I looked up to find myself looking into the playful smirk of Luke Averett. My face fell. Great, it was him of all people. Not only was he a player, he was used to getting what he wanted at any means. Letting him have that tid-bit of information could be dangerous in future situations if I came in between him and some prize of his but…
Then again, at least it wasn’t my brother himself.
Besides, Luke and I weren’t super close or anything, but we were friends on some level. I mean, you don’t just spend a bajillion hours with one kid as their lab partner in bio and chem, and not become somewhat friends. And we had known each other since we were little but… that was beside the point at the moment.
I glared a Luke daring him to repeat what he had just heard to anyone.
Kelsey on the other hand, of course, melted right away at his voice, and batted her long eye-lashes. “Hi Luke,” she said in a flirty tone, and I gagged a little bit before echoing her.
Except my, ‘Hi’ was a little more… deadpan.
Luke looked Kelsey up and down, nodded once than looked at me, looking me over slowly as well. I tried to keep a straight face as I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “So, Crover,” He said calling me by my last name, like he had since third grade when he pushed me down and stole my favorite plastic truck that I always played with at recess.
Ever since then, whenever we met, a fight was always quick to follow.
“Yeah Luke?” I asked, trying to sound innocent while internally debating what excuse I could use in my defense when I got dragged to the principles office for punching him in the face for checking me out like that.
“You coming to my party this weekend?” He asked leaning against the lockers like a male model, and gave a quick head nod and a flash of a smile to some freshmen girls who called his name and giggled. What a flirt.
“No.” I said, slamming my locker shut, adding to the already heavy amount of noise that already consumed the air in the hallway.
Luke’s brow puckered as his lips twisted into a frown, his amber eyes studied me with a vivid intensity. For some reason, I was reminded of the bird I saw in the window yesterday, but only for a moment. His question rolled off his tongue in one fluid motion, “Why not?”
“She’s grounded.” Kelesy answered for me, and I shot her a look. If I had wanted him to know that I would have told him. Kelsey just shrugged as if to say ‘Oops’ but she didn’t look all that concerned as she batted her eyelashes at Luke again.
Luke on the other hand looked a little bit… upset? He ran a tan hand through his short brown hair as he mumbled, “Dang… This sucks.”
I studied him for a moment before saying, “It doesn’t matter, even if I weren’t grounded I wouldn’t have gone.” I crossed my arms across my chest, and tried to look… convincing, I guess.
Kelsey just rolled her eyes, “Oh yes she would’ve, she might have been dragged, but she would’ve been there.”
Luke looked up and smiled at this, “If you hadn’t I would have.”
My face darkened, “What is it? Pick on Maya day? Sheesh, yesterday was bad enough and now I have to deal with this?”
“Someone’s grumpy.” Luke teased, his tone light. I scowled at him, and turning on my heel and walking away. “Come on Maya!” He protested, jogging up to me and keeping pace. “Lately you’ve been acting like such a loner… I’m just trying to bring a little bang into your social life! I mean I know your dad’s death was a big deal, but com’on, and try and live a little! Wouldn’t he want you to?”
I turned to Luke at looked at him angrily, “How would you or I know what he wants? He’s dead remember?” Luke’s face fell, and I felt a little bad but…
Why was it that everyone I knew was suddenly bringing my dad’s death up? There were lots of scars that I was trying to keep shut, and none of them were being helpful to that cause. They were using his death to poke and prod me along.
“Don’t get mad at me,” Luke snapped, his hurt changing to anger, his eyes narrowing, “It’s not like I killed your dad, he did that himself!”
I shot around my eyes wide, he had no right to say that, “It wasn’t suicide!”
“That’s not what the papers said!”
“Then the papers said drug overdose not suicide.”
“It’s the same thing Maya!”
“It was an accident! He didn’t mean too! He took two different drugs that didn’t agree with each other!”
“After the doctor warned him against it at least ten times!”
I bit my lip, “He didn’t mean too, he didn’t.”
Luke rested a hand on my shoulder, in a way that I guess was supposed to be comforting, “I know how you feel; you forget I lost a parent too.”
“That’s different,” I said shrugging his hand off, “Your mom can always come back, my dad can’t.”
Luke gave me a sad smile, “You know she’s not going too though, when she walked out on my dad and I, it was for good. Sometimes… it’s best to just let them go. The best way to do that would be by coming to my party, and letting loose.”
I flinched as he said the words. “So,” I stated, “That whole long speech was to convince me to come to your party? You’re lower than I thought.” I matched his gaze, “Stay out of my life Luke, and keep your stupid words out of my dad’s memory.”
I stomped away and heard Kelsey come up next to Luke and say, “If you’re trying to get in with her, it’s best not to mention her dad in any way, shape, or size. That usually ends in misunderstanding.”
“He’s not trying to get in good with me,” I called back to Kelsey cradling my books in one arm. “He knows better than that.” I glanced over my shoulder to see if Kelsey was coming and noticed Luke’s face. He looked kind of devastated.
For a moment I hesitated, but then I realized he’d get over it, he always did.
“Let’s go Kelsey,” I said, and she gave one last mournful look at Luke, mouthing ‘sorry’ than went to catch up with me. When I looked back once more five seconds later Luke was flirting with some girl, and I went to class feeling guilt free.
The day passed by quickly, and before I knew it, both school and detention were over. I didn’t really remember anything I had learned today, but it wasn’t like I was going to do my homework regardless so it didn’t really matter.
I wonder if anyone really noticed the way I just coasted through school uncaring. Even though she was my best friend, Kelsey sure didn’t. But then again that couldn’t be helped, since her mind was filled up with boys and classes and looking at colleges.
I had planned to go to college but now… I didn’t know. My grades were certainly less than perfect and all the vivid interest I had once possessed in school, was lost.
The life of a college kid seemed dull and demanding and at this point, I didn’t feel like putting up with it. My brother had already moved on with his life, not letting dad affect him at all. Not letting what he did to dad affect him at all. He had early applied to his wonderful little dream college and gotten the acceptation in the mail a while ago. Mom was already telling all her friends about how great it’d be that he’d be going off to college this fall.
I wasn’t the least bit sorry to see him go.
As I stepped outside the school building, the gray morning had given way to a sun shiny afternoon and some snow had been melted and lay in puddles scattered here and there. A wind blew across my face, and while still cold, carried the scent of fresh earth. March was on it’s way, bringing spring with it. Spring the season of new beginnings.
Was this cheery day a sign it was time to start fresh?
I sighed. Thinking that I wasn’t sorry to see my brother go had been a little harsh. I’d miss him… sort of.
It couldn’t be helped that we’d drifted apart, that was life and there was nothing I could really do about it. I loved my brother, and I always would love him, no matter how mad I got, and I was sorry for how I treated him this morning…
Maybe it was time to tell him that. Maybe it was time to tell everyone that.
“And maybe it’s time to start now.” I thought to myself as I spotted a familiar looking red car in the parking lot. Walking quickly, I made my way towards the car getting close to it. Biting a lip, I reached out almost hesitantly before I rapped on the window with my knuckles.
There was a whir, and the window rolled down to reveal Luke’s face. His eyes exhibited surprise, while his voice spoke of annoyance, “What?”
I opened my mouth but all that came out was, “Uhhh…” Even though I had marched over here determined to make things right, determined to, for once, not pick a fight with him, I hadn’t planned what to say or how to say it. Even a simple ‘I’m sorry’ seemed too hard to choke out.
“Uhh... what?” Luke asked, and I just started at him dumbly. Well, so much for fresh beginnings. Hadn’t I decided that I should keep my mouth shut? Why didn’t I listen to my own advice? This talking thing never seemed to work out for me.
Luke just started at me in disgust and disappointment, “Whatever.” His hand went for the window button, and before I could stop myself I blurted out, “Wait!”
Looking at me in confusion, he impatiently asked, “Are you gonna’ say something this time or what?”
“I’m sorry!” I exclaimed, worried he’d try to shut the window again, “I mean, I’m sorry for how I treated you in the hallway today. I mean, you were just trying to be nice and all… I guess. It’s just… I didn’t really appreciate you talking about my dad and stuff… but I understand you were just trying to be comforting. And I’m just sorry I talked to you the way I did…”
I stopped my trail of words, and looked down at Luke hoping my true meaning was getting through. He just looked at me in shock.
“I’m not sure whether to be insulted or full of gratitude.” Luke told me finally after a moment of silence, “In short, I’m very confused.”
Whoops. Well, at least I had tried. I shrugged lamely before saying, “Well yeah… I’m sorry about how I acted towards you, that’s all… uh, bye.” Adjusting my backpack strap awkwardly, I spun away from the car ready to walk in embarrassed shame all the way home when Luke’s voice stopped me.
“Hey!”
I looked at him, my face fully flushed, “Yeah?”
A small, half-smile slid over his face as he took in my deep blush. “Want to get some coffee?” He asked, his voice smooth. Almost like he hadn’t asked the most absurd question ever.
I blinked, “What?” Then again he probably hadn’t asked me. He couldn’t have asked me. It was impossible… right?
“Do you want to go get some coffee?” He repeated slowly, carefully annunciating each word.
“Wait… me?” I asked in a stunned and squeaky voice, looking over my shoulder seeing no one, “You were talking to… me?”
“I thought you weren’t going to be sarcastic with me anymore, that’s what the whole apology thing was about?”
“What? I never promised that, but I’m not being sarcastic…?”
“Oh please,” Luke rolled his eyes, “Like you haven’t realized I was asking you to get coffee this entire time.”
“Seriously? Like no joke?” I asked, eyes wide.
He looked at me strangely. “Why do you not sound sarcastic? Are you serious? Why is it so hard to believe that I asked you to have coffee with me?”
I looked down awkwardly and shuffled my feet, “Well… it’s just… I dunno, I just can’t wrap my head around it.”
Luke smiled gently at me, “Well, if it makes you feel better its not completely random… I just really don’t want to go home right now…”
“Oh so I’m just something to pass the time then?” I asked, suddenly mad. Seriously, I go from apologetic to furious in seconds. Gosh, what was up with my mood swings?
He winced at my glare, “That came out wrong.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Really?”
“There’s that sarcasm…” He mumbled before continuing, “It’s not that I wouldn’t want to hang out with you in general, I do, but I normally wouldn’t have the guts to ask you cause I’d figure you’d blow me off. But… I really don’t want to go home right now, and I really don’t want to be alone, and so…”
“Now you have the guts?”
“Yeah, kind of. So what do you say? Oh and please don’t reject me, that’d be a huge blow to my ego.”
“Well…” I hesitated; I mean I was technically grounded…
“Please?” He asked, as though he could sense my reluctance to break the rules.
Biting my lip, I looked into Luke’s pleading eyes and decided.
I got in the car.