"Soda..." was all I could muster out. He was looking up at me, the small open ring box in his hand with a beautiful symbol of his undying love for me inside. Down on one knee, under the light of the moon and all of the stars in the sky, waiting for my response for the most nerve-racking question anyone could ask.
I couldn't even look at him because it upset me. I didn't know what to do. I wished we had talked about this first. I ran through my life if I agreed to marry him, and imagined what would be my life if I didn't. No matter what, I still imagined us living together and having a family.
But... just not right now.
Ultimately, I sniffed softly and decided to go with what my brain said rather than what my heart said. We are still young, so why rush it? I clamped my lips together and carefully shut the ring box in his hand.
"What are you doing?" Soda asked, standing up with his thick eyebrows knitted together.
I felt myself start to cry and I did my best to suppress it. I but the inside of my cheek and said, "I can't."
"What?" He furrowed his eyebrows and I saw tears well in his heartbroken eyes. Rain continued to sprinkle on us, getting a little heavier now.
"I'm so sorry, Soda." I shook my head and took his hands. "I love you so, so much. I really do see us getting married, but just not right now."
"Oh." Soda refused to look me in the eye. He looked down at the ground at our shoes instead. It made me feel so incredibly guilty.
"I'm so sorry."
"How long should we wait?"
"A year?" I asked. I was unsure of how much time I needed. "Is that okay?"
Soda nodded softly. "All right. Well, you know how I feel so it's all up to you." He sniffed. He let go of my hands and he turned and headed back toward the apartment. He shoved his fists into his pockets and hunched his shoulders in shame. I stood still for a moment to gather myself, then I grabbed my phone and the speaker before I slowly walked back to the apartment myself.
When I got inside, he was in our bedroom. I could hear him rummaging around. I slumped down on the couch and pulled myself together. I stopped crying, but my cheeks were stiff from the dried up tears that went down them. I put my face in my hands and stayed there until I heard footsteps coming into the living room. I looked up and saw Soda carrying a black backpack on his back.
"Where are you going?" I asked. I stood up quickly and walked over to him.
"I'm— I'm going out. To clear my head." He cleared his throat. "I'll be back in the morning."
"Oh. Okay." I knew I couldn't stop him. He's his own person, I'm not going to tell him what to do. Maybe leaving would be the best thing for us right now. "Please be careful."
He smiled sweetly at me and hesitantly kissed my cheek goodbye. He promised, "I will."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
Soda walked out the door. It slowly closed behind him from the wind, leaving me utterly alone.
When he left, I felt like everything was crumbling down around me. My elbows rested on my knees and I put my head in my hands. I was really worried about Soda. I felt so guilty about letting him walk out that door. I knew he was safe, wherever he was, but I still could not shake the feeling that he hated me.
He might want to be alone right now, but I didn't. I grabbed my phone and I immediately called Lillian.
"Hey, what's up?" She answered.
"Can you come over?" I asked. My voice was shaky, and my throat burned slightly.
"What's wrong?" She asked. I heard the concern in her voice.
"I think I really fucked up," I let out a little chuckle, followed by a sniff.
"What did you do?"
"It's about Soda."
"I'll be there as soon as I can," she promised before hanging up.
When we hung up, I glanced at my recent calls and saw Soda's name. My thumb hovered over his name for a few moments and then I clicked it, but the phone didn't even ring. It went straight to voicemail.
"It's Soda. Leave a message." Beep.
"It's Soda. Leave a message." Beep.
"It's Soda. Leave a message." Beep.
I finally gave up. I clicked my phone off and let it fall in my lap. This was all my fault. My boy poured his heart out to me and I tossed his love aside. Engaged isn't married, it's not like there's a timeline we have to follow. We can get married in ten years if we wanted to. Soda just wanted to show me how much he loved me and make a promise that he would never stop. He wanted to give me his mother's ring.
The doorbell rang which brought me out of my thoughts. I rubbed my palm against my cheek as I stood up and walked over to the front door. I opened it and Lillian greeted me with a sympathetic smile on her face with movies and candy in her hands.
"Hey." She came inside and I shut the door behind her. "What did Soda do?"
"He didn't do anything," I said with a sigh.
"I swear, if that boy does anything to hurt you I will—"
I interrupted her to say, "I hurt him."
She turned to look at me with an expression of surprise. She slowly sank to the couch and set the candy and the movies on the cushion beside her. "Huh?"
"He proposed," I mumbled.
"He did?" Her eyes widened.
Through my frustration with myself, I told her everything about what happened tonight. Starting with Pony and Darry's fight, the dancing when we got home, to his proposal. I told her about how he left when I turned him down, and that he won't pick up his phone.
"I'm sorry," she said empathetically.
"He was going to give me his mother's ring," I told her.
"Oh, wow. That's amazing, he must really love you but you aren't ready, and that's okay. He needs to respect that. He can't just run off whenever he gets upset."
"He doesn't know how to deal with his emotions any other way," I said. "He's used to fighting or just bottling up his emotions and not doing anything about it until he dies. But I don't know where he is or what he's doing."
"I think you just need to give him a chance to cool off," she reasoned. "Don't worry about him."
"Yeah, you are right," I agreed. I could feel my stomach cramping a bit, begging for more food. I shook my hands out to take some of the energy away. "Do you want any real dinner? I'll go out and get us something."
"Burger, please," she asked.
"Okay," I said, thinking about going to Dairy Queen. I just want something greasy and delicious.
"I'll queue up a movie. Any requests?"
"Pick anything that's funny," I chuckled.
She flashed a Mean Girls DVD by her face and said, "I brought the perfect one. Hurry back."
"I'll be right back."
"Drive safe."
"I will," I promised.
I walked out the door and trotted down the stairs. I glanced at the lawn that Soda and I were happily dancing in just a few minutes ago. The crisp air stung my nose, and my eyes. I could imagine our laughter coming together as he threw me over his head and making me roll off his back.
I got into my car and the light whistle of the wind ceased when I closed the door. I stuck my key into the ignition and I turned it on. I checked my phone again, but I didn't have anything from Soda.
Where did he go? What was he doing?
I decided to call Darry. I couldn't stop thinking about Soda. If I knew he was at home with Darry, I'd at least be able to sleep tonight.
"Hello?" Darry answered.
"It's Bri," I said. I usually do not say my name after calling someone, but I knew that Darry would not read caller ID and he would ask who I am anyway.
"Hey, Bri, how is it going? It's mighty late."
"Not too good." I took a shaky breath. "Um, is Soda there?"
"No, he isn't. Why? Did something happen? Are you two fighting? Did you break up? Where is he? Is he okay? Are you okay? What is going on?" His words came out faster and faster with each breath.
"Darry!" I stopped him. "Everything is fine. He just left, and I'm not sure where he went."
"Do I need to call the cops?"
"No," I said quickly, now wishing I never called him. I should have called Pony. "Maybe if you texted him, you can tell me what he says."
"Okay, I will. Thanks for letting me know. Good night."
"Night."
When we hung up, I once again tried to call Soda. It was no use. No rings, and it went straight to voicemail.
"It's Soda. Leave a message." Beep.
I dropped my phone into my lap and I put the car into drive. Driving helps calm me, so hopefully this will help me take my mind off of it. I turned the volume up on the radio, and drove to the Dairy Queen. I ordered food for Lillian and I, and began my drive back.
I stopped at a stop light and yawned and leaned against the window. I looked out and saw a figure walking under the street light on the sidewalk. When the light shined on him, I noticed it was Soda. He wore his jean jacket, with a cigarette between his lips. He was staring at the ground and his fists were stuffed into his pockets. He was not carrying his bag anymore, so it must either be in his car, or somewhere else. I tried to think of anyone he would know who lives around here, but I could not think of anyone. Maybe Two, but he is a good ten minute drive away.
It took everything for me to not pull up next to him, exactly the way I did when we first met. I just wanted to run over to him and say that I was sorry, but I could not bring myself to do it. I knew he was hurting, and he had to come to me when he was ready. Walking was his way of cooling off.
I simply sighed, and continued driving home when the light turned green.