A COUPLE months flew by at the Sanctuary. A couple months since we'd taken Alexandria's supplies. A couple months since one of Negan's wives had spoken to me.
A couple months since Negan and I fucked against a tree.
After we had returned from our 'run' that day, I immediately took a hot shower. As much as I regrettably enjoyed that moment, I wanted to wash the sin away. I wanted to wash away the feeling of his hands on me; of his lips on my skin.
But I couldn't.
No matter how hard I tried to get rid of his skin against mine, I could still feel it. I could still feel his calloused hands, his rough lips, and his hot breath.
I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, knowing that when I left this room I would see his face for the hundredth time. And every time that I had seen him since our encounter, all I could imagine was his body against mine. Every time I saw him, I saw the same look in his eyes.
I sat up, slowly dragging myself out of bed and into the shower for another attempt to wash him away. The hot water burned my back, as the scars from the tree hadn't completely healed.
I looked at myself in the mirror; the bags under my eyes were darker and my cheekbones were more prominent. I noticed that the color in my eyes was starting to fade, the blue they once were changing into a storm gray.
I put on my clothes, pulling Maggie's sweater on over my shirt before leaving my room to eat breakfast. I stood in line with my plate, asking for eggs, an apple, and water as the woman sitting there docked my points.
Grabbing my things, I turned and searched for an empty table, finding one in the far corner. Sitting here alone reminded me of my days in high school where I would sit alone and read a book while the other kids mocked me.
But no one mocked me now, they knew better than to mess with me as they also knew how much time Negan spent with me.
And speaking of the devil, he waltzed in, sporting his prized possession and the usual leather jacket. Everyone bent down as he gazed among us, looking for something − or someone − in particular.
And who would have guessed it would be me?
Negan's cold gaze landed on me, his eyes staying locked with mine as he strolled over.
"Mind if I join you, sweetheart?" He asked, grinning down at me. I shook my head and he sat down, taking my apple and biting into it. "Continue!" He shouted, everyone unpausing to complete their tasks.
I got off the ground, sitting back in my seat and picking at my eggs. I had felt immensely hungry today, but I lacked the motivation to eat.
"Not hungry, darling?" Negan questioned, his eyebrows furrowing at my sudden lack in appetite.
"I'm hungry, I just don't feel like eating." I answered, putting my fork down and leaning back in the chair. I sighed, a headache had formed and my ears felt like they were bleeding.
"Sweetheart, you look pale." His voice faded as he spoke, and everything began to spin. I suddenly remembered the night Negan had killed Glenn and Abraham and realized I was having a panic attack.
I tried to control my breathing, but every breath got shorter and I felt like I was suffocating. My eyes widened as I looked at Negan and his smirk faded, every muscle in his face tensed.
"y/n?"
My eyes fluttered and then everything went black.
NEGAN
I watched as y/n's eyes rolled into the back of her head and her body fell to the floor. I sprang out of my seat, everyone staring as the chair went clanging to the ground.
"Doctor! Someone get doctor Carson!" I yelled, rushing to y/n's side to check her pulse. It was faint, but it was still there.
I picked her up, one arm under her legs and the other supporting her head, rushing her to Carson's room. I went as fast I could, being careful not to hit her head on the walls or any doors I had to go through.
Carson's door was open and I rushed in, laying her down on the table and checking her pulse again. Doctor Carson came in, holding his clipboard of notes and looked up at me.
"What happened?" He asked, putting the clipboard down.
"I- I don't know. I was talking to her and then she went pale and passed out. Just like she did the night I brought her in. I watched her eyes roll into the back of her head, I thought she was dead." I explained, pacing back and forth in the room.
"Alright. Have you noticed anything different about her?" Carson asked me, looking down at y/n and searching for something that I couldn't see.
"She said she was hungry, but she didn't feel like eating." I told him, not remembering anything else that stood out as different.
He opened her eyes, flashing a light into them to check her pupils. I looked at her eyes as he did and noticed the color had drained from them. Her once deep blue eyes were now a dull gray and I could see the dark purple underneath her eyes.
"It seems she's had another panic attack, but this one was worse. It also seems that she hasn't been eating enough and she passed out due to exhaustion." Carson explained, putting his flashlight into his pocket.
I shook my head. I should've realized she wasn't eating, I should've realized she wasn't sleeping.
"Thanks doc."
"Just take her back to her room and let her rest. She really needs it." He told me and I nodded, picking her up again and carrying her to her room. I laid her down on her bed and covered her up.
I sat down at the end of the bed and looked over at her. Hers eyes fluttered as she slept, showing she was dreaming. I could barely tell if she was breathing as the covers hardly moved.
"Negan, sir, there's a problem outside." I heard, looking up and seeing Dwight. His eyes flashed over to y/n and then back to me, asking no questions.
"Damnit. I'll be out, get me Lucille." I told him and he left.
I rose from the bed, walking to y/n's side and turning out the bedside lamp, leaving the room to be illuminated by the sun. I slowly bent down and kissed her forehead before leaving, feeling something shift inside me.
Y/N
I opened my eyes, as I felt the end of my bed sink to the weight of someone or something. I looked towards the end of my bed and saw Dwight, staring out the window. I sat up and Dwight's gaze followed me.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. There's just, nowhere else for me to sit and Negan wanted me to keep an eye on you." He explained, leaving the bed.
"Why? I'm fine." I told him, ignoring the pounding headache and nausea. I kicked the covers off and went to stand up, but my knees gave out and I fell. Luckily, Dwight caught my arm before I crashed to the floor.
"You aren't fine, y/n. Negan said you haven't been eating or sleeping the way you should be. And that needs to change, or you'll become one of the dead." Dwight said, catching my attention.
He helped me up, sitting me back down on my bed and telling me he'd be back. I laid down and closed my eyes, trying to remember what happened, but my mind drew blank.
I felt someone shaking my shoulders and woke up to see Dwight carrying a plate of fruit, "You need to eat." He said, placing it down on the bedside table. I sat up, pulling off the covers and taking the plate of food.
My stomach wrenched at the sight of it, but I grabbed a grape and ate it anyway. Dwight walked over to the window, looking out and glancing at me every once in awhile.
"Why does Negan want you watching me?" I asked, biting into an apple slice and slowly walking towards the window. I leaned against the window frame to keep balance.
"He wants you alive." He simply replied, and I looked at him. His eyes appeared more green under the light of the sun and the scars on his face more detailed.
"But why?"
He looked at me and sighed, "y/n, I'm sorry, but I don't know why Negan does half the shit he does other than to survive. I do know that he brought you here as leverage, but now I'm not so sure."
Dwight's walkie went off, Negan's voice booming through. He walked away and out of the room. I looked back out the window and watched the men that were on fence duty. I continued to eat, hoping it wouldn't end up on the floor later.
Dwight came back in, "Negan wants to see you."