{ c h a p t e r t h r e e }
lauren's pov ;
There was certainly more to Grayson Dolan than met the eye.
For the first few days, their friendship was mainly built over small actions that involved their shared distaste for their boring lives. Soon enough though, she could practically feel Grayson's comfort increasing around her, and they became fast friends. It felt nice to talk to someone who related to her.
Lauren liked Grayson. She liked the way that they didn't have to say anything to each other and they'd still enjoy each other's company. She liked the way his eyes shone when he smiled at her as she walked in each morning. She liked that he was always so ready to listen, and how he never resorted to sympathy when she talked about her bad days.
She liked having a friend.
That day, it was raining. When she walked in, Grayson beamed at her, his pearly white teeth glimmering in the dully lit room. The lights were off, and fragments of light floated through the windows.
"Rain." He said, smiling.
Lauren smiled back. "Rain."
It seemed to be raining an awful lot in the past month. Not that she minded, rainy days with Grayson we're pretty much her favorite. According to him, rainy days were traditionally spent tangled in a warm blanket, watching movies with popcorn and sweets. And so that was what they did.
She hung her coat up as Grayson shifted onto one side of his bed.
Lauren remembered the very first time she attempted going just a step near his bed to fetch a tissue. His entire body stiffened and all the color drained from his face. She could practically see waves of white seeping to his knuckles as he clutched the sheets of his bed.
This time, she simply sat down next to him. Their arms were pressed together and their knees slightly touched, both of which made Lauren's skin tingle. She glanced at Grayson to make sure he was okay. He shot her a reassuring smile and handed her some popcorn.
"You pick." Grayson said, handing her the case. Lauren chose one at random, not turning over the DVD until it was inside the TV. They did this each time, so they never knew which movie would be playing until it started. It was silly, really, but it was little things like this that made their friendship- well, their friendship.
The room was chilly, and the two sat closer to each other than they ever did before. Lauren was cautious around Grayson, just in case he felt uncomfortable. But she knew how much he hated it when people acted as though he was fragile, so she decided to not spare it another thought.
The movie started, and Grayson recognized it immediately. His eyes lit up and an excited giggle escaped his lips. "Paper Towns." He gushed.
Lauren looked at him and laughed. He looked like a little kid on Christmas. "What?"
"You've never watched Paper Towns?" He asked incredulously.
Lauren shook her head. "Is it any good?"
"Only the best movie ever made."
Lauren laughed at Grayson's enthusiasm. She watched him carefully at the beginning. She saw the way his hazel eyes lit up with childish delight at certain scenes, or noticed the way he mouthed the words ever so slightly. It made her wonder how many times he watched it. Turning her attention back to the movie, she realized what a good one it really was. It excited her, the idea of a spontaneous road trip, or a mission of some sort.
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Grayson looking at her with the slightest smile on his face. His smile widened as she laughed at some parts or pointed out something she thought was funny. But he kept his eyes only on her for quite some time. Her stomach fluttered at this, but she gave him no indication that she knew he was staring at her. She was sure he wasn't paying attention to the movie at all; all her did was look at her. After some time, she turned her head slightly and raised an eyebrow, causing his cheeks to tinge a rosy pink. He turned away quickly and pretended to watch the movie.
Lauren laughed. He was cute when he was embarrassed.
* * *
Grayson looked peaceful when he slept. He was wrapped up in a soft fluffy blanket that the two shared, and his eyes were lightly closed, as though he was only half asleep. He had a small, content smile on his face, and soft snores escaped from his lips. Lauren let out a soft laugh, until she noticed the journal on his lap.
Lauren was a naturally curious person. When she was younger she was often scolded for poking her nose into other people's business, and perhaps that didn't quite outgrow her just yet. She looked at Grayson's journal, biting her lip and contemplating wether she should pick it up or not.
It was a risky move. Grayson's head lay on her shoulder, so any movement at all could wake him up. She didn't know when during the movie he fell asleep, or when exactly he rested his head on her, but she didn't mind. She slowly picked up his journal, somehow managing to keep Grayson sound asleep in the process.
Lauren ran her fingertips over the cover. It was smooth leather, and she traced her fingers over the small wrinkles that had formed over time. Taking a deep breath, she opened the book to the page where the lavender stem jutted out, and twirled it in her fingers for a moment. She brought it up to her nose, letting the smell float through her nose.
She closed her eyes, imagining lying down in a field of lavender with Grayson. How she wished they could just be normal teenagers so they could do things like that together.
Then she began to read.
i'm not normal.
It read. Grayson's handwriting was impeccable. It was small and slightly cursive, but sprawled hurriedly. It was though he wrote as his thoughts came to him.
i wish i was normal.
sometimes it gets so frustrating that i can't just step outside of my room and go out to someplace stupid, like the mall or the cinema to just kill time. i wish that i could have a bunch of friends, and go to the beach and flirt with girls and fall in love. i wish I could go on adventures and kiss in the rain and stay out late without worrying when i would go into overdrive next and pass out.
no matter how much i try to get over this anxiety thing, i can't. it keeps on getting worse. sometimes when mom suggests i go out for a weekend, i want to but i know i can't. having a random attack in public will just make me feel worse about myself than i already do. it messes with my head, how hard i try to overcome it but it just keeps on finding a way to sneak back into my life again. sometimes there's days when i think that i might actually be normal, but then i realize it'll never happen.
but lauren, lauren makes me feel like i'm normal.
she makes me feel like i'm better than normal.
sometimes i wish i could forget that i had anxiety. sometimes i wish that lauren could just get better and we could finally live our lives outside, with nothing holding us back.
i feel for Lauren, i do. i see the crippling exasperation in her eyes and i wish i could help her; do something for her to make her feel as though she's not missing out on anything the world has to offer.
her isolation from the world is not keeping her safe;
it's killing her.
and i promise myself i'll do everything in my power to make her happy. even if it is just by the little smiles we share, or talking about how our day was. i want to make her feel like she's not alone, and she'll never be alone as long as we have each other. and that someday- someday we'll get out of here and we'll do something with our lives.
but i'm fed up with thinking like that. i'm fed up with someday. i'm sick of thinking someday I'll do this or that and someday i'll get out of here and live the life i want to live. i'm sick of always looking forward but seeing nothing. i'm sick of wishing for things and waiting but nothing happens. i want the someday to turn into today. i want today to turn into now. i want to feel genuine happiness and satisfaction with my life, and i'm sick of waiting for that to happen.
i wish i could go out and live this crazy, wonderful life that everyone sees in books and movies. i want that heart racing, gut wrenching adventure that leaves me breathless with laughter. i want make memories and have a life that's worth talking about.
i want to feel alive.
it's scary how much i sound like Ethan. then again, i'm reminded of him everyday. sometimes i have dreams of us going to that little diner in malibu, or climbing over the rickety fence into that abandoned amusement park. I think of the way his eyes shone with the city lights at the top of the rollercoaster- the way he put his arm around my shoulder when i said that i was scared of falling off.
i'll probably never do that again.
ethan always made me feel like i was on an adventure. i see so much of him in lauren. i see him in paper towns. i see him in everything and it hurts.
i miss him.
i miss him so much.
Lauren stomach churned. It felt wrong to be reading something so personal. She shut the book quickly, the piece of lavender flying out. She sighed, shimmying out of the bed without waking Grayson up. She picked up the lavender stem and slotted it into a random page.
That is, until she saw what it said. There, in big, black letters, was a title for a long list.
IF I EVER LEAVE
* * *