"Can I come in, Alessa?"
Am I allowed to have a little alone time?!
I'm sorry if I seem like I have an attitude right now. To put it into context, I have been sitting in my room staring at the wall for the past two hours. I literally got up, went to the bathroom, made my hair somewhat acceptable (for my standards), went back in my room, and have done absolutely nothing.
No SAT Prep
No thinking about Asher (sort of)
No thinking about the school I will attend (high school or college)
Absolutely nothing...
Except watching a few cute make-up YouTube videos, and I'm not even that big into make-up🙈.
It's just one of those mornings where I don't feel like doing anything. For no reason at all.
Or maybe not for no reason.
Maybe it's getting to the point where I need to take a few days off for myself every time I get upset over something.
And that's not good....
"Alessa! I made you chocolate waffles!"
"Ok, come in!" I exclaim.
"I guess you want waffles more than me, I see how it is!"
That's a joke Ash would make....
No matter how upset I can be with the kid, I will always miss him and appreciate his humor if I go too long without it.
That's pathetic....
"Al, you didn't make any plans yet for the fourth right?"
The Fourth of July is in two days.
"Umm..nope..." I laugh.
"Good. We are visiting New York for the fourth."
"Why?"
"They're having this Fourth of July festival and we are going to meet the Westmans there. They have a house out there and we will stay with them afterward. I was going to surprise you, but I just couldn't keep a secret from you."
Oh gosh...
"Mom..." I start freaking out.
"Umm...but I kind of have been keeping a secret from you..."
"What's that, Alessa?" Mom asks.
"I...I cheated on Asher..." I say, as I start crying. There, I finally admitted it...
"What?" Mom asks, sounding concerned.
"I really didn't mean to! That time at the Philadelphia fair when I was with Mia, and Ash's friend Evan."
"Does this have to do with Asher not being there, Sweetie? You said he wasn't there?"
"Yeah, Asher wasn't there..I got upset that he didn't tell me he wasn't coming. Evan felt bad that I felt bad, and then he just did it. I didn't ask for it, I didn't initiate it..."
"Alessa, you do know that there is something called consent right? You didn't give Evan the right to kiss you so technically you did nothing wrong."
I look up at my mom.
I never even thought about that...
"I guess you're right..."
"But let me ask you something, Sweetie. Are you upset you kissed Evan because you're Aly and you never want to do anything wrong, or are you upset because you love Asher?"
I think about it for a second.
"Mom...I really miss Asher...I tried to call him, but it...it didn't exactly work out. It's stupid that this whole blow up happened because I couldn't stand that he devoted all of his time to basketball and allocated nothing to me. But I miss him too much..I just think it will be weird when I actually talk to him again. It's been weeks." I sigh.
"I think you need to talk to him about this."
I guess so. What's the worst thing? If it goes horribly, I can just run away I guess. It's not like I'll be trapped with him in the middle of the ocean or something😂
I nod.
"You're right...I love you, Mom. Thank you for not shipping me away when I was a toddler. I don't know what I would do without you."
"What?! Aly what even made you think of such a thing?!" Mom exclaims in horror.
"Sugary..." I mumble.
"What was that?"
"Nothing." I shake my head.
I don't feel like going into the whole Evan Sugary thing right now.
We just finished the long drive to New York state, and all I can think about is Asher. I know, I know, I always say that...
But it's different this time because I haven't seen him in a really long time. Ever since the whole carnival issue, and I am kind of scared to be honest. What if he has changed a lot?
What if he doesn't like me anymore?
What if I'm going to lose him...
Well, I may as well just talk to him. What's the worst that can happen? I can always just leave if it gets too bad I guess.
----------------------------------------------
"Here we are!" My mom tells me.
"Really? This place looks so nice!" I exclaim, peering out the window at this fancy glass palace looking place."
"No, not that building. Look out Joshua's window."
"We are going on the boat." Josh states.
"We are going on a boat?" I ask, narrowing my eyes.
"Yes, we wanted to surprise you guys!" Dad exclaims. "What do you think?"
Josh, surprisingly, doesn't look the slightest bit phased.
I, on the other hand, am not sure how I feel about this. Stuck on a boat out at sea? This is like entrapment! What if Ash and I get into some huge blow up?! Then I am stuck with him.
"Oh, wow. I wasn't expecting this. But ok." I smile.
"Look who is here!" Sienna exclaims, walking over to our family.
"Hi, Si Si!" Mom greets her as they hug.
"How are all of you? You all look wonderful!"
"Thank you, you too." I tell Sienna.
"Aw, Aly! Asher must be so excited to see you...he's been ticking a lot!" Sienna whispers.
I feel myself blush!
"Aww.."
"Well how about we get this party started!" My dad yells.
He used to be a volunteer firefighter, and him and his fire buddies are always so loud at these type of events!
We follow Sienna onto the boat.
"Go have fun, we will be with Sienna." Mom tells me.
Josh and I continue awkwardly gallivanting on this boat, when I spot Zoey.
"Zoey!"
She spins around and faces me, her sweet face covered in makeup and hair tied up in red and blue streamers.
"Zo, do you know where your brother is?" I ask sweetly.
Zoey narrows her eyes.
"Follow me..." she mumbles. "You hurt my brother, I hurt you."
I widen my eyes.
"What?"
Zoey shrugs.
"Whatever it is between you two is probably Asher's fault anyways. But still, I need to look after him. I'm a protective little sister." Zoey tells me as she leads me to where Asher is hanging out.
"Understandable. We sisters need to keep our brothers out of trouble. I'll hang with you after if that's alright?" I ask with a smile.
"Of course...I'm sorry, Aly. I'm just upset about...I'm sure Ash will tell you all about it."
"Is everything ok?" I ask.
Zoey smiles sweetly.
"Umm...Let's just say Asher has a lot of explaining to do.."
What's that supposed to mean?...
I spot him from a bit of a distance, and I can tell it's been a while since we have seen each other. I can barely recognize my new "college-boy-Asher". He is wearing Vineyard Vines, a backwards 'Nova SnapBack, and he even has these fancy sunglasses on now! What's going on?! He looks very..preppy..
"Hey."
I slowly slip myself next to him.
"It feels like we have a bit of a Cold War going on, don't you think?" I giggle.
Asher continues to look down at the water, swinging his legs back and forth as he latches on to the side rail of the boat, the only surface separating our legs from the rest of our body on the boat.
A light breeze brushes us both. Gliding back and forth, just like our dangling legs.
"Listen, I know I suck...I'm really-"
"I'm sorry." We say simultaneously.
"What?"
I look up at Asher.
"I'm pathetic. I'm messing up with every possible aspect of my life. I'm trying to cram more basketball into my life than humanly possible because it's the only thing I've ever been good at. That I was good at." Asher sighs. his voice sounds raspy, he sounds like he is getting over laryngitis or something.
"Just be yourself, Ash. They wouldn't have picked you if you weren't talented. Whatever you've been doing is working."
"That's just the thing, Aly! Being myself is just not working." Asher croaks.
I can't recall ever witnessing Asher get this worked up. He's a hot mess...
"I've always been the playful, silly type. Yes, I'm naturally that light hearted fun guy, but it's also my little layer of protection. And no matter how hard I try, being silly is just not working. It's making everything worse."
I pull Ash in for a hug.
"Oh, Asher...I think you're growing up.." I shake my head.
We are silent for a few minutes.
Click click...
Grunt grunt grunt grunt
Yeah, by silence I mean we don't say anything. I don't mean actual silence.
Sorry, Ash.
"Uh!" Asher yells, kicking his foot in the air.
I slip my hand into Asher's.
"Are you ok?" I ask.
Asher shakes his head.
"No, I'm not.." he says softly.
"There's a lot I need to tell you, Aly. I've been such a ticcy mess lately. I'm so stressed about literally everything! My mind is like a loose circuit."
"Aww, I'm sorry, Baby..." I say softly as wrap my arms around him from behind.
"I think we both have things to get off our chest. I don't know about you, but I keep going back and forth in my mind..Mad at Ash, not mad at Ash, upset, not upset.."
"You're right..and it's all my fault." Asher says.
I'm not sure if I've ever seen Asher's tics this bad...I feel horrible..
I can be a pretty guilty person, and I feel like it's because of me.
"You can't own all the blame, Ashy, look what you're doing to yourself.." I say sincerely.
"Aly!-" Asher is interrupted by a loud grunt, followed by some non-Tourette coughs. I think Ash is sick.
"Aly, I want you to know that none of what happened with us is because of you. I know I suck. I know you are upset that I didn't make the time for you, I know I lied about being sick that time, I know I canceled all our plans, I know I am being a real a-hole, and I even completely get why you would want to kiss Evan, and agree with you...and worst of all I know I let you down. And that's not cool. And it's not an excuse, but..." Ash's dying voice trails on.
I look up at Asher. I really want to know where this is going..
"I've been going through a lot.." Ash tells me as his leg starts kicking again.
"Hold that thought, I don't want to fall off this boat." Asher laughs as he slides out from under the rail.
I get out too, and we both move so we are sitting against the wall. That way our feet aren't dangling and our entire body is on the boat.
"It's funny, I always tell people not to feel sorry for me about my Tourette's. I always tell them that it's not going to kill me or anything. But imagine their faces when they read about me in the paper, 'leg tic kills guy as he kicks himself off the boat'" Asher laughs as he puts on a reporter voice.
"Asher!" I giggle. "You're not falling off any boats on my watch!"
We both just sit and laugh.
"So what did you want to tell me?" I ask softly.
"Aly! Asher! The food will be out in five minutes!" Sienna calls.
"Just a minute, Mom!"
"Thanks Sienna!"
"Leave it to mama Westman to kill a moment.." Asher rolls his eyes.
"So...here's the thing..the real reason why Asher Joel Westman has practically fell off the face of Aly's world. And the reason why Asher is a terrible boyfriend..."
"Asher..." I sigh.
Ash takes a deep breath.
"I'm in the middle of a scandal right now."
What....
"Wait what? What do you mean scandal?" I ask.
"So..a lot has been going around the internet about me. Someone has been making up these stories that I'm taking steroids and shouldn't be on Villanova, which really ticks me off, no pun intended. My cousin brought it to my attention a couple of weeks ago. Remember Chad from my walk? He's into the whole computer techy thing so he unexpectedly found all this crap about me which really took me up off my feet...I am so scared, Aly..."
I am honestly in shock...
"So what did it say? What did you do about it?" I ask.
"Well..."Asher looks like he's about to cry.
He pulls out his phone and shows me the headline: ON NEW VILLANOVA PLAYER ASHER WESTMAN: Did he get here via steroid use? Westman's unexplained twitching linked to steroid use.
"What!" I yell. "I am so angry on your behalf!"
"Thanks, Al..its not going to change anything though..." Asher sighs.
"Ash we should do something! That's your Tourette's it's talking about, you can't help that! And bottom line is you're not taking any steroids!"
"I know, Aly...Believe me, I know..." Ash croaks as he starts shivering and coughing.
"Are you okay, Ash? You seem really sick."
"Yeah..." Asher starts to explain, but continues coughing.
I pull him in close and wrap my arms around him.
"Ash..." I say softly.
"Aly...you should be angry at me..."
I lock eyes with Ash.
"Why? Did you do something stupid now?"
Asher laughs.
"You're just like my family, always assuming I did something stupid...well yeah, didn't I? I screwed up, Al. I'm so selfish. I keep pushing you to the side because I was so preoccupied by this scandal. I felt lonely, afraid, scared...I hid it from everybody. I became consumed with nobody finding it because I'm so paranoid that Villanova will find it and revoke me or something. I've spent every waking moment on basketball to prove I'm committed to the team. I spent the rest of my time modeling to avoid seeing my family and the people who mattered most. And I don't know why I kept you in the dark. I'm really sorry, Aly..."
"It's ok, Asher. I understand..."
"Does anyone else know?" I ask.
"Well Chad spilt the beans to my family. I think coach, Nova coach that is, suspects something because he's been really hard on me from the start. He told me he can't deal with petty drama but I don't know what that's supposed to mean. The guys say it's because I'm not even out of high school yet, and he's a little weary about having me practice with everyone so soon. All the guys are super intimidating, and they're always trying to convince me I need to make basketball the priority above everything. They're telling me to drop my high school friends, showing me how to behave, criticizing my personality, how to dress...everything. I'm so preoccupied with keeping this scandal on the D.L. that I'm just going with everything they say and that's super crappy of me. I just feel like I need to prove myself...with everyone and everything and it sucks."
Here come the water works💦💦😢
"Oh, Asher...you've just been way too hard on yourself. You're making yourself sick." I say softly, as we continue to cuddle.
"I know it is. It's been screwing with Fred too, and that's not cool. Mess with me, not my Freddy boy." Ash giggles.
I smile to myself.
Fred is the nickname Asher gave his Tourette's.
"It's that..It's just that." I giggle.
"What?" Asher asks, with a giggle in his voice.
"Your humor! That's what I want to grow old with."
Asher smiles his perfect smile.
"You just want my humor? Nothing else?"
"No, everything.."
Asher pulls me in for a soft, close hug.
He lays his head on my shoulder.
"Thank you for sticking by my side, Alygirl..." Ash mumbles into my skin.
I kiss Asher's cheek.
"We will get through this together, Ashy."
"You know I hate when people call me that..." Asher laughs.
"Even when those people are me?" I smile.
"Ok, fine. Not when it's you." Asher winks.
I lay my head on Asher as we look up at the fireworks.
"This is a little like when we went to that Halloween party huh?" Ash whispers.
That's when I start to cry.
"Aly? What's wrong? I don't want you to cry, Alygirl." Asher tells me as he rubs my arm gently.
"I just hope that..."
"What?"
"With all these changes..and all these mistakes..I hope we can still be together, Asher. I really do. Because as much as I've told myself otherwise sometimes, hated myself at times,..I really truly care for you."
Asher smiles at me.
"Alessa Roth. With all that has happened, the only constant in my life has been my love for you."
❤️⚪️💙❤️⚪️💙❤️⚪️💙❤️⚪️💙❤️