Did I scare you all? Thought I disappeared? I didn't. I did however have a crazy week. I had family in town plus I got commissioned to do a piece of art for a beer label for a local brewery. They sprung it on me so I had to buckle down and make it my priority. I finished and I'm back! Plus writing Maci's part was like pulling teeth for the majority of it. I think I wrote the first half a sentence at a time. But anyway ENJOY! - DBR
MACI POV
I slowly opened my eyes. My surroundings becoming less blurry the more I blinked. I had fallen asleep on the couch, the TV playing quietly in the background. Someone had covered me with a blanket at some point. I yawned, stretching my arms up over my head. I wrestled my beanie back over my head, groping for my phone on the floor. I unlocked it, going through my messages. I had been receiving a lot of texts lately because of how much school I was missing. I scrolled down to Jared's name. I had an unread text from him.
Jared: I took credit for the last pot you made in pottery. So you know.
I smiled, the last day I was at pottery we had been finishing up touches on the pots we made on the wheel.
Me: did you at least make it a good color?
Jared: I was thinking seems how I took credit for it the least I could do is let you keep it.
Me: you're so kind
Me: is it so ugly you don't want to be reminded of it?
Jared: can I stop by after school?
I smiled. He was being Jared, avoiding all my questions so he could get his way. The chemo had been making me sick but I was curious just how bad he had massacred my pot.
Me: I've been kind of sick today.
Jared: I don't mind, we can chill in the bathroom if you want
I shook my head as I laughed a little.
Me: I'm just warning you I might throw up
Jared: I'd offer to hold back your hair but you took care of that for me
Me: you can hold my beanie
Jared: I'm honored.
Jared: I think I'm about to lose my phone. If I stop texting back I'll see you after school. I love you.
Me: stop being bad and pay attention then.
I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face or the butterflies that ran rampant in my stomach. I locked my phone, tossing it back on the floor. I shoved the blanket off, pushing myself up to a seated position. I glanced down at my clothes, realizing I looked like a complete slob. Jared would be here in an hour and even though I knew he wouldn't care I still didn't want to look quite so rough. I could hear my mom in the kitchen talking to someone. I looked at the stairs and then back at the kitchen. Maybe my mom would go get me some clean clothes.
I pushed myself off the couch and shuffled into the kitchen. Joanna was sitting on a bar stool, a glass of wine in front of her. My mom had pulled a bar stool to the other side of the island where she was sitting, her hands around a mug.
"Hey honey." My mom said, watching as I made my way to a bar stool. "Can I get you something?"
I tugged at my oxygen, forcing it to give me a little more slack.
"I was wondering if you could get me some clean clothes?" I asked. "Jared's coming over after school to drop off my pot from pottery."
I didn't even have to look over to know that Joanna had a crooked smile spread across her face.
"So are you and Jared a 'thing'?" Joanna nudged me.
I shrugged, "We are just friends."
"Do you have something in mind you want to wear?" My mom asked, redirecting the conversation.
"Warm, comfy, and clean." I said, what I wore everyday.
My mom pushed herself off of the bar stool, leaving the kitchen, and me, with Joanna.
"So you're just friends still?" Her voice was light and playful. "I bet he doesn't want to be just friends."
I studied her, she had rich mahogany hair, high cheekbones and dark brown eyes. She was also thin but athletic and healthy looking. I assumed she was around my mom's age which would put her in her early thirties. I couldn't quite remember but I think she had a kid, significantly younger than Levi and me.
I shrugged my shoulders, "We are fine as friends."
"Here honey. I picked this up yesterday while I was out." My mom set two bags in front of me. "Thought you could use some things that fit."
I sifted through the bags, they consisted of leggings, long sleeve shirts, sweaters, that sort of stuff. I pulled out a pair of gray leggings, black shirt and a purple cable knit sweater.
"I got you some socks too, I know how you love those really thick soft ones. They're in there somewhere." My mom added.
I clutched the clothes I'd picked out in my hand. I knew they were just clothes but they were also more than that.
"Thanks," I said. My mom gave me a smile that knew I was more thankful than just a 'thanks'.
I went to my parents bathroom, even though it was farther way. I clicked the door shut behind me and sat on the toilet. I took a minute to catch my breath, taking my oxygen off as I stripped out of my clothes. I left them in a pile on the floor, tossing my beanie on the counter. I stared at my reflection in the mirror, nothing on but a tank top and underwear. My port bulged out of my chest, my head looked too big for my body and my body was frail. I looked like a gust of wind would knock me down. How could anyone find me attractive in the state that I was in? I let out a breath, there was no use dwelling. I pulled tags as I slipped into my new clothes. I was thankful for clothes that actually fit. I was still too thin but at least I didn't look like a slob. I shoved my beanie back on, lacing my oxygen around my face and left the bathroom.
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"It actually looks pretty cool." I said, staring at my pot as it sat on the counter.
Jared let out a laugh. "Gees have a little faith in me."
I smiled, it was true. I had expected it to be ugly, the glaze looking like some sort of horrendous afterthought. But Jared had clearly taken some time. It was blue, the top of the pot a light blue fading into a dark blue at the bottom.
"Well I mean, you haven't successfully made a pot by yourself yet. How was I supposed to know you could actually glaze one?" I teased.
He bumped his shoulders into mine, wrapping his arm around me to pull me close. It was easy to relax into him. To let his warmth radiate into me. I felt my stomach turn. I pulled away, giving myself space as I tried to focus on battling the nausea. I didn't really want to be sick while Jared was right there.
"You okay?" He asked, his eyebrows pinched together.
I nodded my head, afraid to open my mouth.
"Are you sure?" He pressed.
I shook my head 'no', shoving myself away from the kitchen counter and heading for the bathroom. My stomach was angry. I felt my skin erupt in sweat as my muscles clenched. I shoved the bathroom door open, not bothering to close it behind me as I fell to my knees. I made it just in time as my stomach purged the acid in it. I felt someone's hand in my back, slowly running up and down as I continued to wretch into the toilet. My body was shaking like a leaf and all I wanted to do was collapse. I reached up to flush the toilet, exhaustion washing over me. I wiped at the tears that had sprung from my eyes, becoming aware for the first time that it was Jared next to me, not my mom or Levi.
"I'm sorry." My voice was so quiet it was nearly a whisper.
"For what?" He asked, allowing me to lean against him as I gathered myself.
I kept my eyes down, not ready to meet his yet. "For being like this."
"It's not your fault."
"Yeah but I'm sure it's not what you had in mind for hanging out."
There was no way that he went home and thought 'man I had a great time watching the girl I like barf her brains out' or 'it's so much fun hanging out with the girl I like who is constantly falling asleep and unable to do anything'. I mean we were in high school. We should be going out to parties, to the movies, bowling, anything but sitting in the bathroom because I was sick. Again.
"I told you I didn't care." Jared said.
I shook my head, irritated and frustrated. I pulled myself up with the remaining energy I had.
"Maci I'm serious. How many times do I need to tell you, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, and I don't care. I love you."
He didn't give me a chance to say anything or prepare myself in anyway. Instead he wrapped his arms around me, pressing my body against his as he pressed his lips to mine. He had one hand on the small of my back the other cupped around the back of my head. I was very aware that my breath was probably nasty and that my beanie was being pushed off my head and I was standing on my oxygen tube and that it was crooked on my face to begin with and that I felt too small in his arms and that I didn't have the energy to hold myself up so he was. I was so aware that I was inadequate in all of those areas. But Jared was still there, despite it all. I felt my chest tighten, my heart swelling with happiness. He pulled away, his arm still wrapped around me as he held me against him. I looked up until his blue eyes, they were soft and kind and I loved them. I loved him.
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LEVI POV
I tossed my bag into the bottom of my locker,my pink slip clutched in my hand as I slammed the door shut. I zipped my jacket up, pulling my beanie farther down on my head, bracing for the cold air outside. The wind whipped around me as I made my way down the walk way toward my dad's car. To say I was nervous was an understatement. It felt like everything was riding on today. I slipped into the passenger seat, offering my dad a smile. The warmth inside the car sent goosebumps across my skin.
"Cold out there." My dad said.
"Yeah, sure is." I answered, tucking my hands into my coat pockets.
My dad pulled out of the parking lot, the radio dialed low so it was just a murmur. My dad had his Bluetooth in, his cellphone mounted on a dock. He was always connected, always working.
"Are you nervous?" He asked as he navigated our way toward the hospital.
I shrugged, I was so nervous. "Not really." My dad nodded his head slightly. "They're just drawing blood."
I knew he knew. I also had a feeling he knew I was nervous. He didn't press though. We drove a few more minutes in silence. The entire time I spent trying to get my nervous down, my body relaxed. It was just a blood draw. A blood draw that had the potential to save Maci, but just a simple easy blood draw. We had to find out if I was even a match first.
"Levi." My dad said, breaking me out of my thoughts.
He hadn't really said my name like a question but I still asked. "What?"
He took a moment, turning the wheel as he drove. "I just want to make sure you understand that you may not be a match and even if you are a match it still may not work."
I nodded my head. I knew both of those things. But I also knew I had to try. I had to at least see.
"Yeah I know." I said.
"Do you really though?" He let out a sigh. "This isn't just a cure-all. There's still months of recovery. There's still risks."
"I know." I said again.
I looked at my dad, he had his eyebrows pinched together, the strain of life digging at him relentlessly.
"What are you going to do?" My dad asked, his voice low.
"Get my blood drawn, if I match, then do the transplant." I answered.
"No Levi. What are you going to do if Maci doesn't live?"
The words were so painful to hear. I didn't want to think of life without Maci. Who would I call? Who would I talk to? Who would always be there? Who would be my best friend? I had never put much thought into what I would do if Maci did die. Mostly because it was too hard to even imagine. I wanted to say I would be okay. That I would learn to keep living. But how do you really move past the hurt from losing someone so close? I would assume you don't. Maybe something more along the lines of the hurt just becomes the norm. So then the question would be was I strong enough to hurt forever? I wasn't sure my answer was yes.
"I don't know." I finally answered.
My dad pulled into a parking space. Neither of us moved. We just sat there staring straight ahead, the car idling, the unknown filled the air around us.
"What are you going to do?"
I asked the question before I really had a chance to think if I wanted to know the answer or not. I looked at my dad, he kept his eyes straight ahead. At some point he had ditched his Bluetooth, it was laying in the center console.
"I don't know either."
I was expecting some long answer about how he'd keep going, he'd focus on me, or mom, or work. The usual stuff people do when they're trying to fill a void. I wasn't expecting him to not know. The thought that my dad didn't know what he'd do if Maci died scared me. What if I wasn't enough for him? What if losing Maci overwhelmed him so much that it consumed him with grief and he couldn't stop the grief from growing and growing until it was all just too much. I felt my chest tighten and a lump form in my throat. Sometimes a parent can't live after their kid dies.
"Dad." I tried to keep my voice level. He looked at me, his eyes clouded with unsaid emotions. "I'll figure out how to be okay if you will."
My dad smiled just a little. He placed his hand on my knee, giving it a pat. He didn't say anything for a few minutes. I had started think maybe he wasn't going to when he finally spoke. His voice was strained but there was determination in it.
"We'll be just fine."