If you have a brother or a sister that you are very close to, you probably wouldn't like to lose them over a completely unnecessary mistake you didn't have to make.
It never happened to me, but I imagine that it's a feeling similar to the one that I felt when Max left. I sat on the edge of my messy bed, staring out the window. It was already dark outside and a cold silence filled the room, only the occasional mechanical sound of the air conditioner managing to break it.
It was hard not to blow up Max's phone - even though I didn't know what I could've said. That I was sorry? That I didn't do anything with you?
But Max already knew all of that. And it didn't change the fact that I lied to him.
"Faye," I didn't hear you when you walked into my room.
I sighed and turned around to look at you. It was so unreal to see you standing against my light beige wall covered with sketches of various plants I knew all the names of. Your white shirt was peeking under the orange and white Adidas jacket I never thought I could like on a person, but it looked strangely good with your dirty blonde hair surrounding it.
"I didn't mean to... make a mess," you came closer.
"It's not your fault," I lifted my legs up and pushed my back against the wall and you sat down where I was sitting a few seconds before, "I shouldn't have lied to him."
"Why did you lie? Would he have had a problem with me staying here?"
Would he? I didn't know. It obviously wasn't an ideal situation for someone in a relationship, but Max could've come over and hung out with us. Slept over even.
"No, I don't think so," I finally replied, resting my head on my hand, the elbow of my arm resting on my knee.
"Then why did you do it?"
"I don't know. Sometimes it's easier to lie I guess," I stared at my duvet that was all over the place. Now that I think about it, even though it was mostly subconscious - I longed to be alone with you, even though I was scared of it.
"I mean, I can't say that I don't see why he got mad. You lied about me being here and you told me that you didn't have a boyfriend - it doesn't really paint a pretty picture for him." I felt my blood burning under my skin at your comment. But in reality, Max didn't know about the second part and I was glad about it. He didn't need to feel any worse.
"It's not like that," I bit the inside of my cheek and looked away from you, playing with the end of my top, "I mean, yes it's like that, but it's not like that."
"Why are you so embarrassed?"
I curled my toes under the cold covers.
"I'm not embarrassed," I still wasn't looking at you.
"Your whole body is tense," you smirked, looking at me amused.
"No, it's not. I'm just cold," I bit the inside of my cheek harder, knowing it didn't make any sense since I lived and slept under the AC every day, and could have easily turned it off if I wanted to.
"Whatever you say," you smiled and leaned over the bed to get the duvet, resting your torso over my calves for a moment and I flinched at the sudden contact.
"I would tell you something right now, but you've already experienced enough emotions in one night. I don't think you could take it," you said convinced, throwing the duvet over me, "Go get some sleep, Faye."
With that you walked out, turning off the lights and partly closing the door behind you.
I couldn't bring myself to sleep properly that night. I kept having short nightmares that I couldn't remember, but they left me with an uneasy feeling every time I would wake up.
At one point I decided that I've had enough, so I got out of bed and walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. I still couldn't get used to seeing you in my apartment, even though I couldn't see your face as it was facing the back of the sofa you were sleeping on. But only seeing the way that your chest rose and fell under the duvet left me amused.
After drinking two glasses of water I turned off the flashlight on my phone and started heading towards my room, but the sound of your voice made me stop in my tracks.
"Come here," your voice was low and raspy, laced with sleep.
I made my way towards you, a bit confused and not as awake as I wanted to be while talking to you.
"Tomorrow we're leaving," you mumbled as I stood in front of you, your pretty hair flying in all directions, but it didn't look even close to bad.
"What are you talking about?" I smiled, looking at your eyes which were barely open.
"I won't leave without you kitten."
"Goodnight Bryson," I chuckled lightly at how tired you were and went back to my room. What was up with all of our night conversations? Even though I still didn't have the courage to ask Anya who opened the window and if the first one was real or not.
I could tell that I woke up early just by the position of the Sun in the sky that I rarely got to see. I wasn't the happiest as I watched my reflection in the mirror, but it had to do as my stomach growled, reminding me once again how hungry I was.
You were still sleeping on the couch and I realized that I forgot to pull the blinds down, even though the bright light that spread over your skin didn't seem to bother you.
I started making eggs, probably the closest thing to something you would call food I could make without having to search for a recipe and mess everything up. It was hard not to blast any music through the house as I usually did while I was getting ready in the mornings, but I settled with some poorly functioning white earbuds.
I was really getting into the song as I cut the cheese into the smallest pieces possible, suddenly way too concentrated on seeing how small I can get them to be. That was until I felt two hands on my hips, making my back curl up.
"UHM," I squealed, chills washing over my freshly tensed up body as I ripped out the ear buds.
"Your - - burn --," you said from behind me, but I was still in shock and wasn't sure of what you said.
"W-what?" I blinked rapidly, turning to look at you.
You laughed, "Your eggs are burning."
"OH SHIT," I widened my eyes and quickly moved the frying pan off the burner.
You tried to cook one thing Faye, one thing.
I could feel the embarrassment in the pit of my stomach as I looked at the mix of yellow, brown and black, suddenly the stink of the mess I made catching up to me.
"Move your pretty ass away from here," you said, grabbing the rest of the eggs I had from the fridge.
"I'm not moving away Bryson! I can make eggs, I just got distracted," I tried to ignore the pretty ass part of what you said.
"I'm sure you can, just not while I'm here," you started breaking them in perfect motions, leaving me in awe. Not that I let you see that part.
"Bryson, I'm not stupid!"
"I never said you were stupid Faye," I stared at the blacked T-shirt that casually hugged your body in all the right places, "Now a cook... I don't know about that part."
"Well I obviously manage to feed myself," I blurted out and regretted it instantly. I didn't want to draw any more attention to my weight than necessary. I was not really a thin, toned girl you would imagine to hang out with a guy like you.
"You should really go get dressed Faye," you turned around to look at me, and I suddenly felt your presence much closer than I expected, "We wouldn't want you to get all cold and tense like last night."
A smirk spread over your face as you eyed my bare shoulders but I just rolled my eyes at you, walked over to the living room area and sat down onto the sofa you were sleeping on.
I wanted to turn on the TV but realized that I slammed the remote control against the wall the night before and was too lazy to go and pick it up from the floor. I didn't even know if it was still functioning.
But thinking about that made me think about Max and I ended up laying down, staring at the ceiling, thinking the same thoughts I already went through a hundred times that night.
"Penny for a thought?" you walked over to me after a few minutes, handing me the plate and I sat up.
"It's nothing," I shook my head, eyeing the eggs with melted cheese which actually looked amazing.
"Well that's a lie," you sat down on the other edge of the sofa, facing towards me.
I rolled my eyes. You were right, of course, but you had to know what was on my mind, and I wasn't going to go there with you.
But I was also used to lying a lot. And it's not a thing that I did on purpose in order to hurt someone - it just came naturally to me. And many times I managed to tell the truth with my lies.
It's hard to explain, but for example - me calling Max a friend rather than my boyfriend showed how I really felt about him, but it wasn't necessarily the truth or the right word to use.
"I'm not obligated to share my thoughts with you Bryson," I stated the obvious.
"Of course you're not."
I shrugged, stuffing my mouth with the food you made.
"He'll forgive you, you know? Don't beat yourself up over it."
I laughed lightly, stabbing the perfectly yellow eggs with my fork.
"Thanks, but I doubt it."
"I'm serious. If he came over here just to bring you ice cream he's definitely..."
"...too deep into this shit," I sighed. I was legitimately sad that he liked me so much.
"Shit?"
"Relationship.... Yeah, I- I didn't mean to call it shit," I sighed.
We continued eating in silence after that, as I overthought the thing I said and hoped you weren't doing the same.
"Can I ask you a question?" your voice was a bit more cautious.
"Don't ask me a question about another question, just do it." I knew it was going to be about Max.
"Why are you in a relationship with him if you don't like him in the first place?" your big hands moved some locks of hair out of your angelic face.
"I like Max! I'm just not as.... affectionate as he is."
"Or you just like him less than he likes you?"
"I can never be sure about that, now can I?" I crossed my legs.
"Oh, I'm sure you can feel whether or not it's true." And you were right once again. It was.
"I don't think it is," I said out of my respect for Max. It was the least I could do. And I did like him a lot, just in a different way.
You left your plate on the table and stood up suddenly.
"Do you want some coffee?"
"Thanks," I smiled lightly as you stood up and went to the kitchen.
Just as I was about to put the fork into my mouth once again I heard a knock at the front door. I left the plate on the table and opened it, not being even close to prepared for what was about to happen.