Marriage. The final frontier for many girls in India. The dream which we live throughout our growing up years filled with thoughts of finding a prince. Like all girls I also had a dream that I would one day get to be the better half of a charming young man. That I would be the mother of two children and have my own family. That I would lead a life of peace and content as a working woman and wife. But as fate had in store, the more dreams I had made, the worse was the reality.
I was born in a middle class family and was an average kid at school. I grew up and took up science and wanted to become a chemistry teacher and researcher. As I was in my final year of graduation, I looked forward to follow my path. But then something happened which completely altered my course and my future. I started getting marriage proposals and my family was surprisingly upbeat about marrying me off.
I was never a good looking girl,(I admit rarely any girl considers herself to be good looking), but not ugly either. I had always been single as being from a conservative family, I did not want any problems in the future. I knew then that I would eventually have to go through an arranged marriage but not this early in my life. I had wanted to explore Chemistry. But then my family found Ashok, who became my husband. His was a business family and he was the only son. They were financially in a good condition and Ashok also seemed decent. My parents thought this meant I would have a secure future as Ashok's wife. There were a couple of meetings I had with Ashok before marriage. He was courteous and chivalrous with me and had a stable business and I knew that with time I would grow to love him and accept him as my husband.
A week before marriage, I conveyed to Ashok that I wanted to study further and then research and teach. His reply was the first bomb in a long list of bombs I was to get. He straight away denied allowing me work, saying that in his family women stayed at home. I had never considered that he would deny me. I was shocked into silence. My parents also forced me to marry, saying it was a good relation and should be followed through. I cried for two days. Why should I have to give up my dream? That was my only thought. But it was almost marriage day and I could not say no know. I regret to this day that maybe I should have stood up for myself. But I did not and I got married. The first real mistake I did.
The first 2-3 months of marriage were wonderful. Blissful even. I was kept well by my in-laws and I slowly became a member of the family. The fact that I was not allowed to earn my living did bug me, but I thought I was a wife , with a family and this made me content.
The first time he came home drunk was roughly three months into marriage. I had believed that he did not drink as he never seemed drunk before. I looked it over as an anomaly that I could get used to. Upon asking he told me that he drank occasionally with a few friends. I took it in my stride and carried on with my life. The coming home drunk started increasing. My in-laws started getting less friendlier. More and more housework started getting pushed onto me. I still did it all with a smile on my face. Upon calls back home, my parents told me that it was a phase and it shall pass. I started realizing that the earlier 2-3 months of not drinking had been a facade.
Then the dark day dawned. He came home pitch drunk as usual. Upon my inquiring as to why he drank so much, he hit me. Hard. Right across the face. I was stunned. My body went cold. I had never been hit before. I did not know how to react. I just stood still while my prince charming went and fell asleep on the bed. I cried a lot that night. I remember it vividly. Some part of me broke that night. I was sitting by the window and crying till dawn.
The next day I told my mom what had happened. She told me to keep quiet and let it go. It will get better. The parents who gave birth to me, who brought me up were willing to let me stay here. The brother who had sworn to protect me did not do anything. They told me to adjust. My husband did not apologize for the slap. He probably did not even remember it. Things went on.
The next beating I got when I asked him where he was the whole night. He had been missing a night from home. He had come with lipstick marks on his collar. This time the gift my savior gave me was a swollen face and eyes and marks on my cheeks and neck. The pain was bearable and did eventually go. But the mental scars deepened and have only deepened with time.
My in-laws did not stop their son and my cries and shouts fell on deaf ears. They were simply ignored. On top of it, I was made to do all the daily chores of everyone in the house. I had hoped my mother-in-law would understand me as a woman but I was simply brushed off. It was their son and he could do what he wished.
One day I was asked by my so called soulmate, Ashok, to accompany him to the disco. He knew I wasn't comfortable at such places but he forced me to go with him nonetheless. I had to wear a really short dress which was again out of my comfort zone. Upon reaching the so called place, Ashok introduced me to his friends. They all were cordial. Some small talk followed. Then the drinking began. I was also made to drink beer. The result was me rushing to the restroom and vomiting it all out. I was further dizzy. Upon coming back I saw my husband dancing. Rather close dancing with one of his female friends. My gut turned inside. Probably whose lipstick he had come home with or some other girl. I just went and sat beside his friends. All were completely drunk. As I was watching my husband get close with the female, one of Ashok's friends came and sat beside me.
His eyes were heavy with drunkenness. There was a lot of noise due to the music and it was dark. My husband and that female were sharing pecks from time to time. There were many things I was feeling. Anger. Sadness. I cannot explain it. Some part of me just wanted to go and slap him and the girl. Some part of me just wanted to leave him and go. But I just sat there and watched. Frozen. In the meanwhile my husband's friend was trying to have a conversation with me. I was simply nodding. Then the horror of horrors happened. He tried to grab me and kiss me. I screamed and pushed him away. I stood up and was shouting for Ashok. But my dear husband was busy kissing the girl. Now without any inhibitions and fears. I felt stupid standing there. I just left the place with wet eyes. I took a rickshaw and went home. I locked myself up and was crying.
Then another one of those really really memorable nights happened. Ashok came home angry. My in-laws were asleep. I was a maid for them anyway. He came and locked our room and demanded why I had left without tell him. I said he was busy kissing. This made him mad with fury. What happened next will make you believe hell is on Earth. He took out his belt and started hitting me. All over the body. I was shouting and screaming. All were for naught. My husband had gone deaf. With eyes of blood lust he kept hitting me with his belt. I was on the floor writhing in pain. I had fallen down. He was kicking me and using the belt at the same time. Then my dear husband thought it a wise idea to use his cricket bat. The strong bat came hard on my back. I let out a shriek that would scare the Gods. After two or maybe three blows, I was unconscious. There is only so much that a human body can take.
I next woke up in a hospital. I had a bruised body. Multiple aches. Some small fractures. A messed up face. And marks all over my body. It took nearly 2 weeks for me to recover. The doctor and the police were bribed. The case went unreported and so the crime went unpunished.
While these things were happening to me, my parents did nothing. They did not say a word. They did come and visit me after I went back home from the hospital. They did talk to my in-laws after hearing from me all that had happened. My husband apologized and said he regretted his actions. I begged my parents to take me home with them. But the societal fear told them that they couldn't. I was told that I had to live here. This was my home now. Can you imagine that? Your own parent saying this to you? My brother did not even visit me. All those years of Raksha Bandhan where I had tied Rakhi's to him were a waste. All something artificial. Maybe it was due to some shame that he did not come and see me in the eye. Or he simply didn't care. My parents went their way leaving me alone in the devil's den. That night I decided one thing. My family before marriage was dead to me. It is that day and this one. I have not spoken a word to them. They did call me, even met me but all they got was a blank face. Over the years , they stopped trying.
Meanwhile, I became pregnant. Imagine the fear! Another soul in this dark cave. I wanted to abort. But my in-laws wanted an heir. I was told a kid would bring in responsibility to their son and he would get better. I again caved in. But instead of a son, a daughter came out. The atmosphere was as if a life had vanished from home. Not come.
Ashok did get better for sometime. He did not mind a daughter and used to take care of her. He played with her, sung for her and was happy around her. My in-laws too got around to the fact and accepted my daughter. Those early months were normal and I hoped maybe now things would get better. But future only brought hopelessness.
I knew Ashok was having an affair since our night at the disco. Whenever I inquired about her , I got a bruised face. So I stopped asking. With time I became used to the fact that my husband loved another woman. I was seeing my daughter grow up and was happy around her. My daughter became my world and reason to live. Sure my husband did come home drunk. Sometimes even beat me. But he never did so in front of our daughter. My in-laws grew to like our daughter. And I was willing to take all the pain because I wanted my daughter to grow up in a family. A dysfunctional family. But a family. Ashok used to openly go out with the other woman. Flaunt it. I did not care. My daughter was growing up peacefully and that is all that mattered to me.
After a couple of years , I gave birth to a son. My in-laws were over the moon. My kids went to good schools. My husband was happy in his life. My life revolved around the kids. My life became a routine. Do the chores. Look after the kids. Sometimes become a punching bag. And just exist. Like a robotic , lifeless being.
Right now I am in my 40's and kids have all but grown up. My in-laws are no more. May they Rest in Peace. My husband has another family with that woman. I suppose he married her too. I do get the occasional beating. Ashok does come home drunk. My kids have become used to the fact that their dad hits their mom when drunk or frustrated. I don't even cry anymore. My tears have dried up. The only dream I have is that in the future my kids lead a good life. Nothing else. I shall just carry on living this lifeless life and then die and wither away. I don't wanna live. I am just living so that I can be there for my children when they need me.
When I look back I wonder what went wrong? Where did that young girl who wanted to study Chemistry go? Where did those dreams of a future go? How did life turn so sour? What are the wrongs that happened? Why did I swallow so many injustices? I frankly have no answer to that. I wish I had stood up for myself and refused marriage. I wish I would have fought for the right to go out and work and earn for myself. Then maybe I would have the confidence to live on my own. I would not be dependent on my husband. I wish I had not taken so many years of abuse. I wish I had some self-respect when I came to know about my husbands affair. I wish my parents would have supported me and taken me back. I wish I did not have kids so maybe then I could have thought of divorce. I wish. The girl that dreamed of a prince charming is long dead. This lifeless soul remains.
I wish that what I have gone through, other women don't. I hope ever girl falls in love with a guy who loves her equally, if not more. Every girl finds a guy who cares for her and treats her like a princess. Even though my life has gone in vain, I hope and pray no girl gets into situations like mine. I pray for my children's future. I hope a day dawns when every girl can work and choose a husband for herself. To HOPE!
( I have not given a name to the housewife because she can be any woman of India. Domestic violence is common. As is extra marital affairs. How many names do I give? Women please stand up for yourself. No one else will. Study. Earn. Live. Choose your husband. Never let your parents choose for you. Never ever give up your dreams. And also to the parents of the girl child. What is the fear that grips you? Is the society important or the daughter? I always think that there must be a test before a couple is allowed to be a parent. To check if the couple is fit enough for it. Such cases are there in abundance where the parents did nothing. If they could not take care of a life, why did they bring it on Earth? Lastly. A good life. Everyone's right. Few have it as a reality. )