When the house had been cleaned, breakfast eaten, my hair properly braided and my shirt mended, Hatesa got her bow and told me to follow her.
Hatesa's stride was longer than mine and her lungs deeper. She kept silence at bay during our walk by telling me everything that came to mind. I learned, among other things, that she was older than me, was fond of her horse Dancer, and was proficient with a bow and determined to learn to wield both spear and sword.
We finally came to a gate above which hung a sign emblazoned with crossed spears and bold letters. Beyond the gate rose the din of industry. I hung back as Hatesa approached.
"What are you doing?" Hatesa called, her hand on the gate.
"Why are we here?" I asked.
Pressing her lips together, Hatesa moved toward me. "The king wants you to be useful. If you want him to trust you, you have to prove that you intend to find a place here."
"I do. Just not here here." I jabbed a finger toward the ground between my boots.
Hatesa frowned and snatched at my arm. "Just come. I promise not to give you anything sharp."
In addition to being older and taller than me, Hatesa's efforts to become a deadly warrior solidified her status as the stronger cousin. Grumbling like Runedan when he was hungry, I tripped after her. We were well beyond the gate and the first buildings within the grounds before Hatesa let me go.
Then she was back to talking fast enough to make my head spin. "All of the patrol riders train here. We are required to know at least one weapon, horsemanship, tracking, and signaling in order to stay in our company." She stopped short to scrutinize me. "Do you know anything about weapons?"
Still collecting myself after almost running into her, I stuttered for a moment before shaking my head.
With a one-shouldered shrug, Hatesa spun back. "Just stay behind me and pay attention."
The archery grounds were near the back, past smithies, fenced dueling fields, lines of straw figures, and even a kitchen. Hatesa planted me along the fence and told me to stay. In the next moment I was forgotten as she called out greetings to her fellow soldiers. Tryven was among them.
I had never used a weapon in my life outside of an ax to butcher chickens, and one of the best ways I had found for avoiding trouble was by avoiding the people who understood weapons. Now I found myself surrounded by them - both the weapons and their wielders. Hatesa and her companions – most of them nearer to my age than Erizar's – kept up a steady stream of banter as they released arrow after arrow with deadly accuracy. Then someone shouted a challenge and coins changed hands as the archers achieved and failed the challenge by turns. Hatesa always came out ahead, while Tryven was less likely to succeed.
"I did not expect to find you here."
I sidled away as Hedyr leaned against the fence next to me. His short hair and face were damp and he stank of sweat, despite the cool air. He studied the dwindling line of archers before turning to me.
"I thought you were at the castle," I said.
"I was. I made my report, the king acknowledged it as nothing extraordinary, and I was advised to see to my riders. Did Hatesa bring you?"
I watched Hatesa release two arrows in quick succession. "Yes."
Hedyr followed my gaze. "Not to train you, apparently."
"I didn't ask to come." Even to my ears I sounded like a petulant toddler. I leaned on the fence and avoided Hedyr's gaze.
"Then why did you?" he asked with a laugh.
"I think she is trying to keep me out of trouble."
He pushed away from the fence and slapped his hands on his dusty pants. "A noble cause." When I raised my head questioningly, he bowed his own. "The king took it upon himself to warn me about you, as you are housing with one of my charges." He tried to look serious, but I was familiar enough with Tryven to see the smile around the edges of his firm mouth. "I promised him I would be careful."
My eyebrows furrowed. "Careful? What does he expect me to do, set my dragon on you?"
Now Hedyr really was smiling. "Dragons I can handle."
I waited, but he would say no more. Not comfortable with the kind of silences that surrounded these people, I said the first thing that came to mind. "Are all of the patrol riders so young?"
Tryven appeared on the other side of the fence, breathing hard. "I hope you mean me," he gasped. "You can't flatter Hedyr like that. It goes to his head."
Quicker than I could follow, Hedyr reached over to slap Tryven around the head. "She meant you, certainly. How a boy who was still being swaddled when she was braiding her own hair managed to get into this company, not even I can fathom."
Tryven flushed and grinned at the same time. "Now you're the flatterer, sir. But I agree with you. It must be my uncommonly handsome face."
"Well, it certainly isn't your skill with a bow. I thought I told you to practice." All traces of Hedyr's friendly smile had given way to a stern expression.
"I do!" Tryven protested.
"Not enough. You're spending most of your wages on lost bets; bets lost on yourself. Not even my brother can keep his place in this company with a performance like that."
The brothers seemed to have forgotten all about me. I did not want to interrupt them, but I wanted even less to stand by while Tryven was reprimanded by his superior. Without excusing myself, I retreated down the fence and focused on Hatesa. She was just taking her place in front of a target when a girl I recognized joined her: Princess Morena.
Hatesa acknowledged the princess with a sharp bow of her head and lowered her bow. They spoke for a moment, Morena gesturing a great deal. Then Hatesa handed her the bow and stepped back.
I watched as Hatesa helped Morena practice: adjusting her form, commenting on every shot she took, and finally overseeing the unstringing of the bow. I had thought royalty employed private tutors to train their heirs.
As Morena went to retrieve the arrows, Hatesa turned to search for me along the fence. Her eyebrows were furrowed by the time she located me and waved me over. Reluctantly I ducked between the boards of the fence and waited for the line of archers to lower their bows between rounds of target practice.
Morena reached Hatesa at the same time as I did. The princess gave me a cursory glance. "I just may learn to manage this," she said to Hatesa.
"You are doing much better," Hatesa agreed as she took the bow. "How is the swordplay coming?"
"Better. I have more experience with it." Morena managed a thin smile. "You know Aridon."
Suddenly Hatesa was shoving the bow toward me. "Azadryn," she coughed. "Do you want to try?"
"I- What? No, thank you." I gingerly pushed the bow away from my face.
Hatesa avoided Morena's gaze while she hummed thoughtfully. "Maybe the sword, then? I thought I just saw Hedyr."
I caught her shoulder before she could turn to search the field. "What are you talking about? I thought I came here to watch you, not learn...weapons."
"Hatesa," Morena threw in, "stop being a patrol rider for a moment."
Hatesa leaned on her bow and studied me. "You look confused."
"Do I?" I blew hair out of my face with a puff of breath.
Her lips slowly formed a circle. "Oh." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm sorry, Azadryn. Grandfather said find something for you to do and I assumed...well."
Morena gave an unroyal snort. "Thank you for your help, Hatesa, but I must get back. Azadryn." She raised her eyebrows at me and left.
Hatesa sighed before raising her head. "Grandfather and I earn fair wages riding patrol, but with you staying with us...you would have to find some work. I thought maybe you might want to join me. We are a person short in Hedyr's company. He just replaced the captain."
All I could do for a moment was nod. I had started to demand why Hatesa would ever think I would want to join her group of riders, but the look on her face stopped me. At last I settled for, "I already know how to cook and clean. I know nothing about weapons. Or horses."
Hatesa's shoulders slumped. "You don't want to ride patrols."
"I don't know anything about it! I only just got here." I waved a hand to take in the city and tried not to shout. "I understand about needing to pay for my keep, and I know how to work. I am not certain how to handle the notion of earning wages, but...."
Hatesa nodded. "Of course. Please forgive me. I did not even think." She was back to chewing her lip. I promised her I was not angry and let her show me how to hold the bow. I may have been strong enough to draw the string had I tried a few months ago, but I was still weak from traveling. Hatesa eagerly assured me I need only ask for her to help me practice.
In the end, and with Erizar's help, Hatesa found me a position in one of the households belonging to an Old Family. The head of the house was among the king's advisers and regarded me with nearly as much contempt as any of my former masters would have. His wife was pleasant enough and complimented me whenever she happened upon me mopping or hauling water or hanging the washing.
The rest of the winter passed quickly. I played my part of dutiful citizen and tried to ignore the constant tension of war and the threat of punishment should any of my actions be taken for rebellion.
Runedan and I were nothing if not careful. We did not see each other often – like me, Runedan had new duties with which to occupy his time – but when we did meet we seemed to be always looking over our shoulders.
When I was not cleaning, I was exploring the caves with Tryven, who remained a loyal friend despite the general opinion about me, or enduring Hatesa's dogged attempts to teach me to ride a horse. I regained the health I had lost on the journey west, and then some.
Finally, winter broke.
If there was one chore I loathed more than butchering chickens, it was anything having to do with goats. They were easier than cows to keep on the mountain, where large pastures were harder to come by, but I was convinced their tempers did not justify the trade.
For the third time in as many minutes, a black-faced nanny goat rammed my legs with her head. I kicked back without hesitation, confident that the other maid was already gone.
"Stop it," I snapped when the nanny made to lunge again. "I already milked you. I do not have any food. Let me be." She fought me all the way to the gate and challenged me to keep her penned in.
"Would you care for some help?"
I looked up from wrestling the goat away from the gate to find Hedyr watching me with a smirk.
Blowing loose hair out of my eyes, I gave the nanny a final shove and pulled the gate closed. "No, thank you." I brushed my hands on my apron before reaching up to tuck the hair back into my braid. "Did you just return?"
"A few hours ago, actually. You did not hear Tryven's horn?"
"That must have been about the time one of the maids dropped supper on the stairs."
Hedyr hummed in understanding and crossed his arms. He stood by the well and I stayed by the fence to the goat pen, and neither of us spoke.
"Azadryn!" the mistress called from the house.
I grinned at her tone. She must have tangled her thread again. "I need to go," I said to Hedyr.
"As a matter of fact, I came to ask you when your next rest day was." He took a step closer.
"Tomorrow," I answered slowly.
Hedyr nodded in his brisk way. "Good. I shall see you then."
He bowed and the mistress called my name, not giving me a chance to ask what he meant.
I hurried through my chores that evening, eager to return home and greet Hatesa. They had been gone longer than usual and I was full of stories to share with her; and perhaps she would know why Hedyr had come to find me. I was so distracted thinking about his visit that I only realized where I was when the neighbor, Reneve, said my name.
"Pardon?" I pulled up short outside her house, where she was pulling down laundry.
Reneve smiled weakly. "Forgive me. Would you mind helping me with these? I wanted to get them in before the baby realizes I slipped out."
"Certainly."
Reneve thanked me breathlessly and reached up for one end of a blanket. I took the other and waited while she folded her corners together.
"How have you been getting along?" she asked, fumbling with the blanket.
"Well, thank you. How is the baby?"
She chuckled. "Hungry. Some days it seems he never stops eating."
Reneve took an unnecessarily long time to finish with the washing. When she finally took the last shirt from me to place in her basket, I bid her a good evening, explaining that Hatesa had only just returned. Glancing toward Erizar's house, Reneve smiled. "I see."
I was calling for Hatesa before I opened the door. At first I thought Erizar had managed to reach home before me. Then I saw that the man Hatesa had been talking to was not our grandfather. He stepped away from Hatesa, coughing in surprise.
I looked between him and Hatesa, my cheeks warm. "Oh, um, p-pardon... I-"
Hatesa collected herself quickly. "There is some soup if you are hungry. You're home early."
Dumbly I nodded. The young man was Aridon, who had burst in on me a few days after I arrived, thinking I was Hatesa. He was also the son of General Soldor, the man with the hard eyes who had spoken sternly to Hatesa and I in the castle yard the day the king returned with injured soldiers. Over the winter I had learned - mostly from Hatesa - that Aridon rode the gray dragon she had spoken to that day with Soldor, that he was a master swordsman, and that he helped to train the royal guard. He was also Princess Morena's cousin.
"Good evening, Azadryn," Aridon said politely, with all of the composure I had learned to expect from him. Even now he stood with his shoulders straight and his arms behind his back, without a trace of embarassment.
"Good evening," I answered. "Thank you, but I am not hungry," I told Hatesa.
"Oh." Hatesa was not even looking at me anymore. I had suspected she had feelings for the king's nephew by the amount of time he spent at the stables or the training grounds. Not even Tryven would confirm my suspicion, however.
I told Hatesa I was glad to see her and climbed upstairs as quickly as I could. Neither she nor Aridon answered me. I heard him leave a few minutes later.
Even after nearly a month living among the Shaderi, I kept some of my habits from when I was a slave. One of those was always waking before sunrise. There was little work to be done – I was a house maid for the most part and did not work in the kitchens – so I usually mended clothing at Erizar's house or got an early start with breakfast.
That morning, I decided to work the front garden into some sort of order. The first flowers were starting to come up, but they were choked by weeds and grass. Both Hatesa and Erizar had sworn off gardening. The plot had been tended by Erizar's wife, before she died several years earlier.
That was where Hedyr found me as the lamps were being extinguished for the day. Only when I heard him coming did I realize the knees of my pants were damp and muddy. I had dirt under my nails and covering my hands. Hedyr chuckled at the sight of me.
"Do you ever stop working?"
"I was never taught that lesson." I pushed to my feet and tried to brush off my pants, but my dirty hands only made things worse. "What are you doing here so early?"
Hedyr ducked his head. "Yes. I meant to wait, but I knew you liked to be up with the sun so I thought you wouldn't mind."
I brushed at my leg again. "Oh. You never did explain yourself, you know."
"You were busy." He shrugged sheepishly. "Forgive me?"
"Of course. As you said, I was already awake." I was still focused on my pants, which would require a good deal of scrubbing to come clean. "Just give me a moment and I can change-"
"Actually, what you are wearing will do. You may want to change later."
I eyed him suspiciously, hands stilling on my pant leg. "Why? What are we doing?"
Hedyr cleared his throat and motioned up the road. He said nothing until I fell into step beside him.
"Hatesa was telling me about your training."
My notion that Shaderi tended to be shorter than normal was repeatedly being proved wrong. Tryven was near my height, and my grandfather was by no means tall, but nearly everyone else had the advantage of height. Hedyr marched determinedly up the road and I trotted to keep up with him.
"What about my training?" I asked.
He threw a smirk over his shoulder. "She said the gelding threw you."
I started to argue, but decided against it. Hedyr was wrong because the gelding Hatesa had decided to train me on had not thrown me; I had simply fallen off. If she or Hedyr was willing to overlook that detail, I would not be the one to correct them. "I can't possibly be the first person to be thrown their first time one a horse."
"Perhaps not, but Hatesa has been trying to teach you every chance she has, and I understand you practice when she is gone."
"Not very much," I admitted, and felt a blush start when Hedyr raised an eyebrow at me. "I do work, you know. Honest work with wages. And occasionally Runedan comes to visit, or Tryven. Besides, why should I be concerned with learning to ride? If I need to go anywhere I have Runedan. I am allowed to ride him."
"It can be a useful skill." Hedyr finally realized I was struggling to keep up and shortened his pace.
"Thank you. But the stables are the other way." I pointed back down the road.
"I know. Hatesa also said she tried to teach you archery but you refused."
At that I stopped, finally understanding where this was headed. The training grounds were within sight, across the road where it curved to climb up to the next level of the city. Hatesa had brought me a few times in the last month, but had failed to convince me to join her for training. Tryven had also tried to talk me into letting him show me how to wield a weapon. Eventually they had both given up.
"I have no interest in learning weaponry," I said.
Hedyr faced me, looking surprised. "So Hatesa told me. And Tryven. Even Aridon and Erizar. No one could tell me why."
"You said Hatesa told you about when she tried to show me how to use a bow. That should be answer enough."
Laughing, Hedyr came back toward me. "That was only because you had no experience. That happens to everyone. Nearly everyone."
I took a backward step. "Why is everyone trying to turn me into a soldier?"
"No one is doing that."
"Then what?" I waved my arms at him, feeling the warmth in my cheeks.
"Azadryn, I don't-" Hedyr stuttered to a stop and shook his head. "Why? What do you have against weapons?"
"I do not need one. I did not come here to learn how to fight. I-" Not able to hold his pleading gaze, I looked instead across the road, where the city fell away below and the distance was gaining definition under the rising sun. "I came here to... I thought I could belong here. This was the only place...."
I heard Hedyr shuffle closer. His voice was soft when he spoke. "I'm sorry. I know what you hoped to find, and the reality is sadly lacking."
"I did not expect a war."
"Are you happy here?"
Now I looked at him. His blue eyes, paler than mine, were full of sorrow. But I was honest. "Most of the time. I miss Runedan. But...with time, I think maybe we could belong."
A little of the sadness left and Hedyr tried to smile. "I am only trying to help."
"I know."
"Then give me a chance. Please. It will not always be safe here. The city has been attacked before." Now it was his turn to gaze across the city. People were awake and starting their morning chores. That music that always echoed at the edge of my hearing started singing through the stone. "It is only a matter of time before we are attacked again," Hedyr continued. "Everyone should know how to protect themselves. It is simply the world we live in."
I nodded to show I had heard, but I could think of no answer. I knew Hedyr was right; they all were. War was their way of life, and the only way I would truly belong was to accept that. I could not say why I had fought against it so vehemently for the past month. Despite what Hatesa thought, it was not even the thought of killing that truly scared me. It was more what killing would do to me. I had known killers; I had been at their mercy before.
But I had no way to make Hedyr understand this. Or any of the others.
"I know you are trying to help," I whispered. "It is only that everything is so...different."
It took a long minute for Hedyr to answer. "Will you at least let me show you? Not with the bow. There are other weapons. I have no skill with the bow in any case."
I could not think of a good reason to refuse. "Very well. But I warn you: I make no promises that I will be a successful student."
Hedyr smiled. "I am willing to accept that risk."