He grabs my hand and holds it tightly in his, rubbing over my knuckles with his shakey thumb. I never left him, I just took a step back to collect myself but the time apart from him obviously ruined me more than the reason for my distance towards him. I can't leave him, I can't leave him alone especially since he's drunk and can't even stand straight on his own. His eyes are blood shot and his shirt smells like it's been worn for centuries. When was the last time he showered? His hands are rough and extremely dry, and with mine, I'm trying to warm them.
"Will you love me forever just like you promised?" his vodka breath burns in the breeze and his once shining eyes are dull and departed. Even though he's drunk, his words are not a slur; they're clear and his mind and ears are attentive awaiting for my response.
"I will." I assure tilting my head to kiss his wet lips once more, "let me take you home." I pull away and step back, "I'll drive you and you can pick up your car later."
With our fingers still intertwined, we begin to walk back to the car. His steps are small and slow behind me and I'm moving at his pace. He's stumbling and is unable to walk properly, holding my hand tighter to keep himself from falling. I release my hand from his and wrap my arm around his waist and my hope is that this will at least provide him some stability.
"We're almost there." I announce. We step off the grass and onto the path. The rate of the wind is increasing and wind chimes hanging from the park lights hit against each other, playing a beautiful random tune.
"Aleevonne," he slurs pulling me back.
"A few more steps, Harry. We're almost there." I tug at his arm leading him again with me.
I made him this way. I destroyed him and cracked his strong core and shattered his shield that was supposed to keep him from destructing. The grip he has around my hand is something I can't quite explain. It's very different from how he used to hold it. This time it's must more desperate but it feels as if he's afraid I might pull away and run. I've tried running from him but all it did was cause me pain. I don't want to lose him or push him away, I want to keep him forever despite what he has done.
He leans against the car to support him as I open his door, "you look beautiful." his drunken words cause me smile, "you really do. Even in sweats you look breath taking." he chuckles with a closed mouth. I hold the door open and he stumbles his way to his seat. I lean in to buckle his belt and just as I do, I feel his lips against my arm. A sheet of goosebumps blanket my body while his lips move up to my cheek. He plants a small kiss on it and pulls away.
"Watch your hand." I lift his dangling arm and place it on his lap. I don't want it to get caught between the door, but then again the alcohol has probably numbed it.
"You're taking me home?" he turns his rested head towards me and I nod, "can you take me home with you?"
I know it's not a good idea and it would be such a struggle to bring to my house and up the stairs without waking my parents, but I want him to be with me. I want to cuddle him up and take care of him like I should've been doing these passed two days. I've needed him our entire relationship, and now he needs me.
"Okay." I whisper backing up onto the road.
My house is not too far, just about ten minutes but the drive seems so long. I turn and look at Harry who's watching the view outside the window as I drown myself with regret. I've always said I couldn't imagine life without Harry, but being without him for two days put me through so much pain and I know if I leave him forever that's exactly how my life will be every day without him. I'm so madly in love with him but the hate and disgust I felt towards him has washed away. I don't even think it was genuine hate. I think because I never expected it from him it hurt me more than it should have. He's not a bad person, if anything he's an angel in the form of a human but he's not perfect, nobody is, but the fact that I left him when he needed me the most makes me feel hate myself. I can't leave him, no matter how much I try it's impossible. He's apart of me and I don't want to let him go.
I park Alan's truck on the driveway outside the garage and turn the ignition off. Harry's weak body sits up and I exit the car. He doesn't wait for me to open his door and he wobbles out of the car and shuts the door with both his hands, holding the car for support as he walks to me.
"I can't stand straight." he shakes his head. I walk over to him as he trips over his own steps and I hold him to keep his steady. He throws his heavy arm around my neck and just as I slide my key in the nob, the down stairs light turns on. I look to Harry who looks just as panicked as me and I open the door hesitantly.
I'm met with Alan who's fully dressed with his back facing me. He's looking for his keys. I shut the door and he turns around and jumps back, obviously frightened by my presence. He furrows his eyebrows in concern and slight anger but once he takes in the drunk man beside me, he relaxes. I don't think I need to explain why I left, he's smart enough to figure it out but I know I won't hear the end of it.
"Take him to the guest room and come back." relieved, I lead Harry upstairs and down the dark hallway to the guest room. I turn the light on and shut the door behind me as Harry staggers to the bed.
I'm alone with him, but I don't know what to do. He bends down and attempts to take his boots off but I run to him, "I'll do it." I say tucking my hair that is blocking my vision behind my ear. I grab the heel of his black boot and pull it down, setting his tired feet free. I do the same for the left and I neatly set it beside me. He's watching me carefully, allowing me to baby him as the liquor in his body takes over his blood. I grab his hand and slide the rings off his fingers, holding it in my palm as I take his black leather watch off. I set it on the night stand beside me and he grabs my wrist to pull me back.
"Are you going to sleep with me?"he looks into my eyes trying to keep his open.
"No." I pull away and lift the chain from around his neck off, placing it with his other jewelry. He frowns and looks back down at his fingers, playing with them and picking at the skin around his nails. His shirt smells horrible and I can't let him sleep in it, "wait here." I say and leave him.
I hurry to my room and open my drawer full of his clothes that he had given me. I grab the first piece of material he had ever gave and jog back to the guest room. He's laying on his back against the bed with his arms spread out beside him. He sits up quickly when I shut the door and he smiles.
"You're back!" he beams. His dimples deepen and his pinkish-red lips stretch to form his million dollar smile.
"Can you stand up for me?" I walk to him and tuck the sweater under my arm.
"I can try." he attempts to stand but flops right back down and we both laugh. He's so wobbly and unsteady but I find it cute that he's struggling. I grab his wrists and pull him up. He wraps his fingers around my hips to balance himself while I grab the hem of his shirt.
"Lift your arms up." I order and he follows. I pull the dirty shirt off his body, exposing his inked skin and I toss it beside the door. When I hold his hand to slide it through the sleeve, he grabs hold of my wrist and presses it against his chest. I can feel his quick heart beat but as my hand remains there, it slows down. With my palm pressed against his heart, both his hands are holding it down. His skin is warm and soft, so smooth and I can feel it heating up more.
"Can you feel it?" his thick accent asks me. He looks into my eyes and licks his dried lips.
"I can." I nod.
"Good, because I haven't felt it beat in two days."
Without taking his eyes off of me, I remove my hand and proceed to put the orange sweater on him. He doesn't say anything and I can feel my tears forming. I can't cry in front of him though. I don't want to break down even though I desperately want to. I want him to hold me and tell me not to cry, I want him to kiss the pain away, but for some reason something is holding me back. After dressing him, I unbuckle his belt and pull the brown leather out the hoops and begin to wrap it in a circle.
"I'm tired." his voice cracks, "come sleep with me." he grabs the blanket and crawls under it, holding it up expecting me to get in with him.
"I can't." I say gently pushing his arm down so that blanket connects with the mattress. He lies on his back but keeps his head turned towards me. I don't want to leave him and the way he's looking at me makes me want to fall asleep on his chest just like he'd always let me do. I want to feel his heart beat against my ear, I want to feel his chest rise and fall beneath mine, I want to feel him again but even though I let him back in, the gap can't be filled yet.
"Can I have a kiss?" his long black lashes beat up and down as his lids shield and unshield his green eyes. I sit beside him and lean in to kiss his cold cheek and he sighs, "on the lips, please?" he pleads and without hesitation I press my lips against his. Even though he kissed me when I saw him earlier, it feels as if I haven't kissed him in weeks. When I try to pull away, both his hands cup my cheeks to keep me in position and he continues. His tongue enters my mouth and the sweet kiss has now gradually turned into a passionate and wanting one. The warmth of his tongue ignites my body and lights me like a candle, creating the rush through my chest I thought I lost forever. Still holding the kiss, he sits up for a more comfortable position and continues. His long fingers brush through my hair while his other hand remains protectively on my cheek.
"Are you leaving?" his eyes pierce into mine, gleaming with hope.
"For a little while." he presses his forehead against mine, stealing another kiss.
"You'll be back?" he asks. To my surprise, a tear falls from his glossy eyes and my heart shatters.
"Yeah, I'll be back." I wipe his tear away and his eyes close once my finger connects with his cheek. His brows pull together taking in my touch and he grabs my wrist gently, bringing my fingers to his lips and he kisses them.
"Okay." he sighs releasing me. He falls back against the bed and closes his eyes just as another tears falls. I stand, still looking at him and I take in his sight. He looks as if he's dying, like there's not life left in him. He's so pale and his eyebrows seem permanently furrowed because of my rejection.
I turn the light off and carefully shut door, sluggishly walking back down the stairs. Alan is sitting on the couch looking through his phone waiting for my arrival.
"My keys." he looks up at me and stands sliding his phone in his pocket. I pull the keys out and place in his open palm and he pulls away, "I'm going to the store and you're coming with me." he walks to the door, "let's go."
He opens it and follows me out, unlocking the truck I just came out of and turns the heat on. I should know Alan by know, but I don't know what he's going to say. He doesn't look upset or mad, and his silence is somewhat torturing.
"Your mother wants peanut butter crackers." he breaks the silence informing me, "that's why I'm up." he looks to me, "why are you up?"
There's no use in lying anymore, "to pick up Harry." I softly tell him.
"Where was he?"
"At the park."
"He's drunk." he looks away.
"I know." I frown looking out the window, "he had a bottle with him." The vacant road Alan is driving on seems miles and miles long and again he stays quiet.
"You think I don't notice anything," he begins to tell me, "but I do." he stops at the light and looks to me, "are you going to tell me why he was drinking?"
"We got into an argument and broke up." I would be completely deluded if I tell him what Harry did and even though Alan loves Harry like a son, I know his feelings towards him will change.
"So you left the house at one in the morning to pick up your drunk ex boyfriend?" well when he says it like that...
"He's not my ex..." I think we're back together...
"So you left the house at one in the morning to pick up your drunk boyfriend?" he corrects himself obviously unamused.
"Please don't be mad, he needed me." I defend him.
"This is the second time you have left the house to pick him up because of his drinking. You went to the Blue Cabin a few months back for the same exact reason, Aleevonne." he scolds, "what the hell is going on between you two?"
"Nothing is going on," I know better then to raise my voice so I'm speaking to him like an adult, "we've been going through some things, that's all." I shrug trying not to cry. My one fear is him disapproving of Harry. My mom hates him even though she says she doesnt, I know her well enough to know when she's lying, and I don't know what I'd do if Alan ends up hating him too.
"It's not only the second time you've left the house to look for him, it's the second time you've left the house behind my back. Alee, I've told you plently of times to wake me up if you ever need anything. You only have your permit, don't you know what couldn't happened if you had gotten caught by the police? I swear to God, you never use your head." he shakes his with irritation as he pulls up at the Acme that is open twenty four seven.
With shame, I look down at my lap.
"In order for me to trust you, Alee," he turns the truck off and pulls the key out, turning to look at me as I look back up at him, "you have to tell me these things. How will I ever trust you after this? You take my truck out in the middle of the night driving to God know's where for whatever reason without me knowing. What if something happened to you? What if you had gotten hurt? Hmm?"
"But I didn't get hurt, I'm fine."
"You're not fine. The more you go against your mother and I for that boy the more--"
"That boy?" I interupt but with caution, "he's not just 'that boy' Alan. I love him and he looks up to you like a father, he's not just 'that boy.'" I point out to him, "you can't blame him, alright? I left him and hurt him, he needs me!" I shout as my bottom lip quivers. Harry falling to his knees and begging me to me stay bombs my mind, his words telling me that he needed me just as I needed him plays in my ears haunting me and torturing me the point where I wish I could lose my hearing so I wouldn't be able to hear the mind numbing voices.
"What did you do?" he ignores my tears, "what did he do to you?"
"He didn't do anything to me, I'm the one who hurt him." I'm taking the blame again, I know but this time it's because I am to blame.
"How did you hurt him? You need to tell me these things so I can help you." he grabs my hand and holds it just like a father would when he sees his broken daughter.
"I left him when he needed me the most."
"That's why he was drinking?" he's beginning to put the pieces together.
"Yeah."
"Does he always drink?"
"No, just when I've hurt him."
"Okay, listen to me. Don't do that to yourself." he warns.
"Do what?" I sniffle and blink away the tears.
"Don't hurt yourself over his problems."
"I am his problem!" I shout, "he was never like this when we first met. I really destroyed him, Alan!"
"If you destroyed him than you can fix him, it's nothing to cry over. You shouldn't hate or beat yourself up over something that is completely fixable."
"That's the thing," he doesn't understand, no one does, "it's not. It'll never be the same."
"Yes it will. You're strong, honey. But you have to fix it before it escaltes into something that will permaintely damage whatever you two have, and it's starting to." I know he's right, he always is but even though I love Harry and want him back, I can't look at him the same way, "if something like this happens again, I will have no choice but to end it." he threatens me like I will actually allow him to.
"End what?"
"You and Harry. If he keeps doing this to you, causing you this much pain and worrying you to the point where you have to leave and drive alone in the middle of the night to look for him only to find him drunk off his ass, then I can't allow you to be with him." with that, he opens the door and leaves.
He can't do that, I will never let him do that. Harry can fuck up as many times as he wants because we both know I could never leave him. It's surprising that Alan would actually say that being that he loves Harry like his own son. He should know him by now, he should know what type of person Harry is and I've accepted that and so should he. Harry has his problems but that's no reason to leave him.
I'm going against my self because now I'm thinking clearly. Before I blamed him because I thought he hurt me and that clouded my mind. It was his past, not the present. I know he would never do that to me or to anyone. He treats everyone with respect and is a gentleman, he would never even hurt a bug. I judged him based on his past and that was low of me.
Resting my arm against the door, Alan comes jogging with a bag in his hand and comes in. Alan is a great husband to my mom. It's two in the morning and he bought my pregnant mom crackers, he's great. But there's just some things he doesn't understand and never will.
"Does Anne know that he's here?" he parks back in the driveway and grabs the bag.
"No, I'll call her now."
"Don't bother. I'll do it." he rudely tells me stepping out the car. I'm not even going to bother aruging or confronting him about his attitude because quite frankly I don't care anymore.
Right when I get in the house, Alan has the phone to his ear and I bolt up the stairs and into my room. I hate everything right now and the emptiness and sadness is back. The dark room is hiding away my broken state but the walls are the ones caging my cries.
"Why are you crying?" I jump away from the bed when I hear Harry's voice and I stumble back hitting the chair and I fall over.
"Harry?" I pant standing to my feet. I quickly click the switch to the lamp on my nightstand and Harry is sitting up with his palms supporting him.
"Why are you crying?" he asks again grabbing my hand and pulling me down next to him.
"I'm not crying." I badly lie, "why are you in my room?"
"Because I want to sleep with you." he quietly says. His voice sounds like it's on the verge of disappearing, "I miss you." his words come out at a whisper and he touches my lips with his finger tip, "can I stay?"
"Yeah." I say the word he wanted to hear and he smiles. I take my sneakers and hoodie off and drop it carelessly on the floor. My weak fingers turn the lamp off and the street light through my open window dims the room. He lifts the blanket and I cuddle in next him just the way I've been yearning too. My arm wraps around his stomach as my leg crosses over his. Resting my head on his slowly rising chest, he slides his arm under and around me, his fingers gripping my top arm holding me closer against him. I'm warm under the blanket and being with him makes it even better. I've missed him; God have I fucking missed him and his touch, I wish we could stay like this forever.
"Alee?"
"Hmm?"
"Will you be here when I wake up?" he's obviously still drunk which makes his voice even more thick and raspy.
I lift my head to look at him and his eyes that are staring at the ceiling shifts to mine.
"Yeah." I nod and he exhales with relief. He lowers his head and kisses my lips, pulling away and looking at me before going back in for another.
"I love you." just hearing him say that makes my heart flutter.
"I love you more." I kiss his jaw and both his arms squeeze me into a hug I could live off of forever.
Minutes later, I hear soft snoring and I fall asleep with an eased heart.
*thank you so much for reading! please don't forget to comment vote! i love you guys :)*