"Nicky." I said. I looked at Nicky's face and you could tell by the pain she knew what I was going to say. "I love you. But I just can't get some stuff out of my head." I admitted. "What do you mean? What stuff?" She asked. " 'Love doesn't mean shit.'" I repeated. "Clementine...you know I didn't mean that I-" "I know you didn't. I know you love me and I love you but every time I want to kiss you, in the back of my head I'm...I'm scared, Nicky." I said. Nicky looked down and pushed her hair back out of her face. "I don't know how to make you not scared." She said hopelessly. "I don't know how either..." I said with tears in my eyes. "I love you, Nicky." I said with my voice breaking. "I just, I don't know how you can make it up to me. I-" I said. She looked up at me and I hugged her and cried into her shoulder. "I know." Nicky said comfortingly. I pulled away and slid against the wall into a squat on the floor. Nicky sat down with me. "I wanna know more about you." I said. "You said this earlier. What else do you want to know?" She asked. "Well, how much time do you have?" I asked. "2 years." She said. "Uh-...oh." I said. "What?" She asked. "I mean like that's a long time. But, like it also just dawned on me that we're not leaving at the same time." I said. "No offense, but I'd rather not be here for 6 more years." She said. "5 and 3 quarters." I said. She giggled. "Hmm, Why-Nevermind." I said. "No, go ahead. I'm an open book." She reassured. "I just...Why do you have such a 'no strings attached'attitude when it comes to romance?" I asked. She sighed. "No strings causes less risk." She said. "Risk?" I said. "It's time for Dinner." She said. She helped me up off the floor and we walked to the cafeteria.
I sat in between Lorna and Renee with Nicky across from me. I looked at the mystery meat in front of me and felt queasy. Will I ever not? Nicky got up and walked to the water coolers. "Hey, Lorna, is there a reason Nicky is so afraid of romantic commitment?" I asked. "It's cause of Jenna." She said with her mouth full. "Who's Jenna?" I asked. Nicky sat down at the table again and Lorna never said anything. I finished my dinner, thankful to Red for making me anything. It's been a good technique. My mom always taught me that if you go somewhere and they feed you something you don't like, still eat it. It's rude to not. So I've been thinking of this as not "Prison food", but the food Red gave me. It helps. I bussed my tray and walked to my bunk to get stuff for the bathroom so I could get ready for bed.
I grabbed my bag and heard someone walk in. I turned around to see Nicky smiling in her smug way. "Hey, stalker." I said. "Hey, I am not a stalker, I'm just your biggest fan." She said jokingly. "Hey um..who's Jenna?" I asked. Nicky's face went from smiling to flat in a second. "Umm...I don't know why?" She asked. "Lorna said something about a Jenna..is she like...your ex or something?" I asked. "Umm...yeah." She said. "What happened there?" I asked. I sat on my bed and she sat down next to me. "Umm, well. When I was living in the city, I had a thing with Jenna. It was pretty serious it lasted a year or two. But umm, it didn't work out." She said. "Why not?" I asked. "You ask a lot of questions." She said. I could tell she was turning me down but I sat there waiting for an answer. "It's getting late, you should probably go get ready for bed." She said. I looked down, knowing she wouldn't be answering me now, if she ever would. So I grabbed my bag and headed to the showers.
I washed my hair and thought about the differences of showering here and showering on the outside. The water is so cold it almost hurts, and normally I don't get a shower with a curtain so everyone can just see me shaving my vagina. It's not a proud sight. You have to get out as soon as possible or else people start complaining. So then you don't even get properly washed and you come out with a prickly vagina, soapy hair, and an oil face. Showering on the outside is nice, though. The water is warm and you just sit there for like 10 minutes just feeling the water hit your back. The shampoo smells like strawberries and you can just massage the shampoo in for a while. Just thinking about it makes me wanna plan an escape for one shower. I wrapped the towel around my torso and exited the shower. As the next person entered the shower I was just in I heard. "Bitch you took all the hot water!" from Taystee. "There wasn't any when I started." I remarked. "Yeah, okay." She said.
I walked back into my bunk to see Nicky was still sitting there, looking down at her crossed legs. "Hey, you okay?" I asked as I sat next to her. "I'm sorry I don't want to talk about Jen." She said. "That's okay. I wasn't asking to pry I was just.." I trailed off. "Just what?" She asked. "I was asking because earlier you said the thing about less commitment meaning less risk and I don't know, I couldn't get it out of my head." I replied. She sighed. "But if you don't want to say anything, it's okay." I reassured. She nodded. "I'm tired though, so I'm going to sleep." I said. "Okay. Night." She said. "Goodnight." I replied.