I woke up quite late the next morning, as it was eleven. I remembered what Albus had said about popping by later on and so got dressed quickly. Severus was sat on the sofa. He was casting charms with his wand, making noiseless fireworks explode and snow scatter. His expression was blank but his eyes were narrow in his worry.
"Sev?" His eyes flickered up to look at me.
"Lily. How did you sleep?"
"Good. And yourself?"
"Not bad." He stood up and walked over to a bookshelf where there was a radio. He tuned it to a radio station which played a song softly. "Are you hungry?"
"No. Not yet."
"Anymore bad dreams?" Sev knew me so well. I grimaced slightly.
"Some." He took my hands and pulled me into the middle of the room. I smiled as he twirled me around once and pulled me close into an embrace, his hand on my waist and the other hand in mine. We slow danced to the song which may have been slow or may have been fast but we did not pay much attention to it.
"Are you ever going to tell me?" He asked me.
"Nope."
"Why? It might help."
"I doubt it..."
"Try me."
"You won't like it much." He put his hand under my chin and lifted my face so he could look into my eyes. I looked into his black ones. He had a soft smile on his face.
"Try me." He repeated. I tried to look away but couldn't. I sighed in surrender.
"I'm in bed... I wake up and James isn't beside me. I leave my room with my wand in my hand and I go to Harry's bedroom but he isn't in his cot. I go downstairs and they're there, lying on the floor... Dead... And a man... Standing over... Them... And he... Looks at me... As he.. Slashes... James'... Throat... And... He... Comes... Over... To... Me... And... He... And he..."
"Okay, okay... Calm down. It's alright." Severus placed his hands on my arms and looked deeply into my eyes. Weirdly enough, as I looked into his black eyes, I felt my chest relax and the knot in my stomach loosened. After a moment or two, my breathing had gone back to normal. Severus placed his hand back on my waist, took my hand and we continued to dance, even though the song had changed now. It was a slow song so we spun slowly around the room. I watched Severus' face. He looked extremely peaceful as he spun me into a circle and wrapped me into his arms again. I couldn't stop the smile tugging on my lips. I felt so happy to dance with Severus. Sev's lips moved softly and when he pulled me close again, I could hear his soft song. He sung the song too. The music started to drift to a close and we slowly drifted to a stop too. Severus moved his other hand to my waist. His eyes were looking deeply into mine and my heart seemed to skip a beat. I felt butterflies burst in my stomach but at the same time, my head was screaming at me to stop, to break away from this and to ask what on Earth Severus was playing at. But at the same time, my heart swelled and I wondered why I couldn't love Severus? I will always love James; my heart would always be his but... Was it so wrong to give a piece of that heart to someone else?
Severus gently brushed a piece of my red hair behind my ear. His hand cradled my face and he inched closer to me...
A knock on the door frightened us both half to death and I jumped away from Severus, leaving a gap. He looked a mixture of confused, frustrated and relieved all at the same time. I think I felt the same.
Sev left the room to answer the door and I brushed my hair with my fingers, combing it over one shoulder and playing with a strand. I felt something flutter in my stomach, my little girl, reminding me that I was not alone.
Severus was my best friend. My best friend since we were ten years old. He had been there for me at my very worst and at my very best. I had lost contact with him but had never forgotten him, never. Not even when I was cuddled on the sofa with James' arms around me and Harry asleep in his cot. I never forgot him. I just sometimes got distracted of the memory of him due to my busy lifestyle of being hunted down by the Dark Lord. He was my best friend. I never imagined him as anything more. Never. Of course, I must have been blind because everyone else said that Sev clearly cared for me a bit more than he should and I saw that but I thought we had been brother and sister. Brothers and sisters should NOT feel like this about each other. The idea of holding Severus' hand felt like home to me and having his arms around me made me feel comforted and protected. The thought of the amount of times Severus had leaped in front of me and whatever was coming was astonishing. He even seemed willing to raise his worst enemy's child because he cared... And the very idea of kissing... Was enough to make my heart stop beating altogether. In a blunt sense of it... I was screwed. This had been a bad idea. What would James have said? He would have killed me! But then it made me realise that James was dead, never coming back and just maybe... I should take love now while I still could. It was not because I felt like I needed to be loved. If that was the case, I would be spending my time with all of my friends. I felt loved enough with them. It wasn't the case that I wanted a distraction from James' death and Harry's absence because even now, they were on my mind and I knew that Severus knew that. I couldn't be distracted from something like that. I loved them too much.
So what was it? Severus made me whole. He made me feel like I had no missing parts and this was something that even Moony couldn't do. But I couldn't feel right. Was it alright to love Sev when my heart partially wished I was dead so I could join James? Was that even normal? Maybe I had gone insane...
As I was thinking all of this, Severus had walked back in and Albus was following. He collapsed into a chair and Severus waved his wand to summon oak matured mead, a carton of orange juice and wine glasses.
"What's the matter, Albus?" I asked, twirling my hair around my finger over and over again. The bottle of mead poured itself into two of the wine glasses. In the third, orange juice was poured. The carton and mead then floated off back into the kitchen and all three of us took the glass that went to us. I sipped my orange juice as I surveyed Albus. He was pale and looked quite clammy and ill. He downed the glass of mead and waved his wand when a bottle of whisky appeared out of thin air which automatically filled his empty glass. He downed this one too before answering.
"Igor told us the names of several who had been Death Eaters." He said, simply.
"Who?" I gasped.
"Only one name fully stood out." Albus downed another glass.
"Who?" Sev asked again.
"Barty Crouch Junior."
"No!" I gasped.
"Guilty of torturing Alice and Frank Longbottom." I nearly collapsed and grabbed the arm of the sofa to keep me upright. Severus placed his arm around my waist and supported me to the sofa cushions where he sat me down. I clutched my wine glass tight.
"He couldn't! Barty was never a Death Eater..." Severus was pacing the floor.
"Well he never denied it but confirmed it straight away saying he would be rewarded and would be welcomed 'like a hero' amongst the ones already there."
"The son of a Ministry official..." I murmured to myself.
"Barty Crouch Senior is stepping down." I shook my head, dazed.
"He was on his way to becoming minister! This is insanity..."
"Will there be another trial?" Severus asked.
"There already was. It occurred straight after and of course, Igor was set free, I think Barty just wanted it to be over."
"Good God..." I mumbled.
Albus told us how Igor had mentioned a few names before releasing the official bomb of Barty Crouch. How Barty Senior had sat in a form of shock as his only son tried to flee the room and was caught by the surrounding officials. How Igor was quickly released and Barty Junior was tried, found guilty by all of the Wizengamot and sent straight to Akzaban for life.
Albus fell asleep on the armchair due to drinking way too much but I could not blame him. I honestly wished I could join him in drinking myself into oblivion. I didn't want to think about it. Severus eventually sat beside me on the couch but we did not talk or even look at each other. We were lost in our thoughts. I wasn't really thinking anymore. I just couldn't lose the image of Alice and Frank being hurt so badly by someone who no one could ever have guessed... A ministry official's son...
Moony came about half an hour later and Severus filled him in on everything that had occurred. He was shocked understandably.
"It's horrendous how this has happened..." He murmured as he took Severus' seat beside me. Severus took one look at Moony, scowled and walked over to a sleeping Albus.
"Albus. You should go home. Get some rest." Severus poked his wand into Albus' knee. Albus murmured something in his sleep. Severus sighed and shook him awake. Albus did not respond.
"You should probably escort him home." I said. Severus shook his head.
"I can't leave you. Not after last time."
"Moony will stay with me, won't you?" I looked at him, smiling.
"I can stay with you." Severus said, frowning.
"It's fine, Sev. I need to talk to Moony anyway. Take Albus home."
Severus wasn't happy about it but he got Albus to his feet and took him to Hogwarts, disapparating outside of the house's boundaries. This left Moony and I together, for which I was grateful. I really needed a chat.
"How are you?" Moony asked me.
"Pregnant." I smiled. He smiled too but it was only a half smile.
"Baby doing okay?"
"She's fine." I absentmindedly stroked my mini bump. I didn't want to talk about my baby right now... I needed to discuss something else. Luckily Moony knew me well.
"What's up? I can tell you have something on your mind."
"You know me well, Moony..." I sighed.
"Well what is it? You can tell me." I played with a strand of my hair to avoid looking at him.
"Promise you won't be upset at me or anything?" Moony took my free hand and squeezed it.
"Promise." I took a breath before speaking.
"I still love James... I always will. But... I feel like... I'm crushing..."
"On Severus?" Moony nodded as if confirming his own suspicions. I blushed; horrified that Moony had caught on so quick...
"How did you know?" I squeaked.
"I have always seen the way you were together. Very different to the way you were with James but I can see that you love them both. I know you do."
"Is it wrong? Am I sick? I love James... But I love Severus too... This isn't right! I'm pregnant with James' baby! James would be disgusted at the very idea." Moony ran his free hand through his hair.
"I will not deny that James would not have been happy about the idea of Severus Snape in love with his wife but... We always knew that Severus had feelings for you. I think James flaunted that more than he should have done. But James loved you too and I think he only ever wanted you to be happy. And if Severus made you happy... James would have let you go. Not without a fight maybe but he would have eventually. Just to make you happy. The same goes for Severus. Severus loved you enough to let you go and be happy with someone else."
"So... If I loved Severus too... Would you judge me?"
"Never Lily," Remus now took both of my hands in his. "You never judged me about my... Secret. You held my hand through it instead. So I will never judge you. You're my best friend. James may have been my best friend too but so are you so I will never judge you."
"I love you, Remus. You're the brother I wish that I had." Moony hugged me gently. He then placed his hands on my shoulders to pull me back and look me in the eye.
"I will just say one more thing though, Lily..."
"Yes, Remus?"
"Do not forget that James and Severus both had their flaws in school... Severus was a fan of the Dark Arts and James was a bigheaded and troublemaking guy. It was James who changed after a while because he loved you, not Severus."
Remus and I talked more a bit about stuff, discussing random topics and laughing at the very thought of Albus drunk. However my head was in a whirl and I was grateful when Severus came back. Remus said his goodbyes, giving me a hug and a meaningful look. I told Severus I was tired and needed a nap when in reality, I needed some time to think.
Remus was right about a few things. James and Severus had both loved me in school but it had always been Severus who had been given the best chance with me. He had been my best friend... Defended me and I defended him. He had been a part of a bad group but... He had still been my friend. James on the other hand... A seeker. Part of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Had won trophies for his skill. And his talent, like Severus, was amazing. But James had been... An idiot. Him and his bunch of pals. Sirius had been an idiot too. However, they had been hot and talented so all the girls idolised them. Peter Pettigrew, an idol of them and a wannabe. And Remus... Just happy to be in with a bunch of friends that accepted him no matter how troublemaking they were. James had been pigheaded and I hated it but I also loved it. I loved how he gazed at me in the way that the other girls in my year wished he would look at them. But I refused to date a prick. Severus had more of a chance. But Severus had messed up. Decided that he would rather aspire to be a Death Eater. And I refused to partake in accepting him with his Dark magic. Remus had been right about that, James HAD changed in order for me to want to love him. In our seventh year, I finally gave him a chance and I never regretted that. I loved James and he stopped being vain, though he never truly gave up being an idiot; I just grew to love that. After Harry had been born, he changed again. Started to really settle down and became not just a talented wizard but a protective and loving husband and father.
Severus did not change. No, he did. After I had started to date James, he grew colder and more distant. He ignored my letters, ignored me altogether and eventually... After I heard him call me mudblood for a second time amongst his friends, I gave up. Severus had changed. He left school and joined the ranks of the Death Eaters.
But... He had changed again. He had told Albus of Voldemort coming to kill my son. He had given up a lifetime of Dark magic in order to do good and for a married, pregnant woman who already had one child to another man. I needed to give Sev more credit... I could not understand why Severus had changed. He had changed the first time because I chose James over him. Because I loved James and James had changed his ways for my sake. So what had made him change the second time?
**James or Severus? Who do you think is the better match for Lily?**