It was the silence after the storm. The children slept late in the mornings as it was a weekend. The clock ticked and the baby lightly snored. Only the tune of the early autumn raindrops spluttering on the windows echoed in the household. Tears escaped her eyes as they continued to moisten her pillow. Clutching the end of the pillow, she buried her face in it. Remembering the horrific argument brought shivers down her spine.
Laying in his arms as his hands roved over every curve and dip of her body and his lips followed his hands, she was being sinking into the sensual whirlpool. Her hands clutching his hair and her nails biting into his skin but everything changed abruptly when he suggested it.
"You want me to do what?" Samreen gasped, she had stiffened under his touch.
His lips were grazing her arm slowly sliding up to her shoulder, "Sammy please."
She swallowed. How could he ask her that? "But...but we have never done something like that before."
His lips hovered over her collarbone, his tongue making its mark. "C'mon let's be adventurous."
She frowned and her lips twisted in disgust, "You think this is adventurous to take it in the mouth? What is wrong with you? It's disgusting." Whatever arousing spell that she had been dazed into had disappeared the moment he suggested it.
He lightly bit the side of her neck, "You may like it." His hands going to her breasts.
"No I won't do it." she resolved squaring her shoulders. His hot kisses and his sensual hands not affecting her anymore. She was far more disturbed.
"It's not like it is actually haram. I am not asking you something that is specifically said is forbidden." His eyes holding hers as he lifted his head from her shoulder and removed his hands from her body.
"Different scholars have different views on it. But that's beside the point. I am not comfortable and you should respect my decision." Samreen scanned his features looking for compassion from her husband.
His jaw clenched, "You are not ready to please your husband." He pulled back and grabbed his t-shirt.
"You can't ask me unreasonable demands. Am I asking you any of that sort?" she pulled the sheet over her naked breasts as she sat up.
"Forget it Sammy. You have disappointed me."
She blinked several times, "What? How can you say that?"
He pulled his t-shirt down his head and turned to her. Pointing an accusing finger at her, "Don't blame me if I want more out of our intimacy. And you definitely can't complain if I am watching then."
Her eyebrows knotted, "This doesn't give you excuse to watch."
"Then do what I said."
She just couldn't. And he understood. Taking his phone, he left to sleep on the sofa in the living room but not before watching explicit videos for hours.
She was stunned, broken and hopeless.
How could she stop him? And now after this incident she didn't think she had any more patience or self-respect left to let him abuse her in such a manner. Opening her eyes, she rubbed the side of her face on the pillow, she would lead her life and he would lead his. That was the only solution now.
They were now to be housemates with only one concern. Their children.
****
His arm was draped over his eyes, laying on the sofa, he was furious. How dare she said no? He wasn't asking anything haram from her. First she complained about porn. Then when she did come to him in a seductive manner but wasn't ready to please him, she had let him down. Staring at the ceiling, his raging blood pumped hard in his veins, his jaw clenched and his chest rose and fell rapidly.
Why wasn't she ready to see he didn't demand much from her? All he asked was her to take it in the mouth that many women do. How many different porn videos he had seen all showing this. How eagerly those women were ready to please the man with their mouth? But his wife wasn't ready. Old school thought, he huffed.
She would willingly come to him whenever he touched in the past. There was a time she would easily mould her body to his but now she was being arrogant and stubborn not ready to understand him. This was the first time he had asked her of it. Well, he was done with trying with her. If she couldn't thrill him, he was definitely not going to be making any effort.
As for her tantrums, he would continue to ignore them as he had since the last few months. If she had problems he would remind her that as a wife it was her duty to please him. She was depriving him of his right.
He was a man with needs. No way was he going to sulk and wait for her to change. Grabbing his phone, he clicked on images of nude bodies intermingled amongst each other.
Just look at these women, how eagerly they satisfy a man's need. And there was his wife. Bloody stubborn woman.
****
Weeks passed where there was no love, no affection and no bliss. Days were hollow and nights were bleak. Love had dissipated and grief had taken its place. She missed him. They were nearly approaching Salim's first birthday. How did time fly by so fast?
Pride filled her heart, as she watched her baby son walking. Daniyal holding his hand as they stepped in their bedroom. She had found her comfort in her children. They were her future and her love. They were her only supporting pillar. She was surviving only by watching her children grow.
But the emptiness that Faraz had created was not unrecoverable. She used to love watching romance movies but she stopped because every time she watched, her heart silently cried knowing that she too once had something similar but all was lost.
When she did get time, she used to read romance novels. Now she didn't have the strength to read about how the fictional man loved the woman, kissed her or took her in his arms. Her heart would bleed, her eyes moist and her hands trembled. She wanted this. She cried for her Faraz to return. But as the days increased so did the distance.
He was oblivious to her pain. He was lost in his own world. They did all their chores as they always did. He helped in getting grocery. He was busy at work and would even look after kids when need be. But when it came to their marital relationship. There was nothing. The only topic they had to talk about was their children or about any upcoming event at his family's.
There was no teasing, no playful laughter and definitely no smiles. Happiness had been sucked out of their marriage. Leaving anguish, hollowness and most of all unfulfilled yearnings. And due to this emptiness, she found solace in one and only the Lord of the Worlds.
Being born and raised in the homeland of Islam – Saudi Arabia, Samreen had very good knowledge of Islam but due to the mundane activities of motherhood had led her not to attain further knowledge or practice as vigorously. She prayed her daily prayers on time but she didn't do any optional worshipping. With time, this changed.
Slowly, day by day, her optional worshipping increased. She found succour in Allah's words. Words that brought tranquillity to her heart and most of all when reading about the people of the past and their trials and tests, she started praying to Allah. There were nights she would stay awake during the late night optional prayer and cry to her Lord in the silence of the night. No one saw her tears or heard her wails. But He did. He knew what was in her heart.
In prostration, she sought for happiness, peace and most of all love. Her husband's love. A man ignorant of her torment, slept with no regard or care while she wept her heart out. And then there were times, when she had completed her supplication, her heart said, He was listening. Allah was truly listening to her cries. It brought a strange contentment that was missing in her life. She now had assurance that she wasn't alone.
Her struggles were private. How could she tell anyone what she was suffering? It was embarrassing but most of all, she kept reprimanding herself that people would point fingers at her that she was at fault and that was why her husband resorted to pornography. Instead, she confided in her Lord, praying to find solutions.
****
The strain of their relationship was easily visible now. Ghazala had invited them for a family lunch. Both sons with their spouses were invited. Nawal had declined the invitation saying she and Salman were committed for lunch elsewhere. Fiza had given birth to a healthy baby boy Rayyan a month ago and the children were fascinated by yet a new baby in the family.
Ghazala had been quietly observing her eldest son with his wife. When the lunch was over and she was clearing the plates in the kitchen while Fiza was breastfeeding the baby in the bedroom and Samreen was spoon feeding plain rice to Daniyal at the dining table, Ghazala called her eldest son in the kitchen.
She whirled around from the sink where she was setting the dirty dishes. Eyeing him, she softly asked, "Is something wrong?"
Faraz slowly shook his head, "No, why would you ask that?"
"You and Samreen are not the same."
Faraz ducked his head and watched Liyaanah colour the princess colouring book at the kitchen table, "It's nothing."
"Daadi, Daddy and Mommy fight all the time." Liyaanah interjected, lifting her head and speaking in tell a tale manner. Gazing at Faraz, Ghazala brushed Liyaanah's hair back from her forehead, "Really?"
"Yes and Mommy cry a lot." she nodded her big brown eyes widening further.
Patting her back, "Why don't you see what Salim is doing? Maybe he is awake now?" Ghazala encouraged the girl to leave.
Crossing her arms over her bosom, she turned to her son who avoided looking at her, "What is going on Faraz? What arguments are you having that even children are witnessing?"
"It was just once nothing much."
Ghazala raised her eyebrow, waiting for him to continue.
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, "I will sort it out. Don't worry."
"Samreen doesn't look well. She has lost weight and I could see she looked paler. Whatever it is fix it. I don't want to see Samreen upset and most of all I don't want children easily telling stories of their parents' arguments."
He nodded curtly and left.
Just then Samreen entered the kitchen, she was at unease under the scrutinizing gaze of her mother in law.
"Samreen, remember I told you, you can confide in me about anything."
Samreen lifted her eyelids and stared for many minutes and whispered, "It's not that easy."
She wasn't able to say much and rushed out of the kitchen leaving behind a bewildered Ghazala.
What was going on?
****
That night, Faraz sat with his little girl on his lap and patiently explained her, "Liyaa darling, we don't tell anyone what happens at home."
She scrunched her nose, "Why?"
He racked his brain to come up with an excuse, "Because it's a secret."
Her lips curled in disapproval, "Why?"
"Just secret between you and me."
"Why?"
He was getting frustrated. How does one reason with a four year old girl.
Samreen walked in the living room, intrigued she asked, "What is going on?"
"Daddy says you and daddy fighting is secret." Liyaanah beamed.
Startled, Samreen looked at her husband, "What?"
"Go and play now Liyaa," Faraz gently pushed her off his lap and Liyaanah slid down, running off to her room.
"She told Mom that both of us are arguing most of the time." Faraz exhaled, grabbing the remote control to switch on the television.
Samreen went rigid, "What?" Now their children were able to figure out the tension between their parents.
Faraz shrugged, "I was telling her it is a secret about our home."
Placing her hands on her hips, "Do you think that will solve the problem?"
Rubbing his eyes with the fingers, "Not now Sammy I am tired. If only you would stop arguing all will be okay."
"You still don't get it, do you?" she murmured stepping back.
He ignored her and changed the channel to watch some comedy show that will lighten up his mood from all this stress.
There was no point speaking to him, he just wasn't bothered, Samreen mused.
She was fed up of his nonchalant attitude.
Sometimes, she felt she was talking to a wall.
But even a wall easily could break.
****
Weeks continued to pass by and Faraz wasn't as aroused easily by nude images and videos as he used to. They were the same routine sexual act. He strived for some thrill in it which he wasn't able to find. Until an ad on the porn site caught his attention.
It said "Free sex chatting"
Clicking on it, he didn't know what to expect but the experienced woman named Joan knew well.
Joan: how old are you?
Faraz: 35
Joan: married or single
Faraz thought for a minute and then typed – 'single'
Joan: feeling horny?
Faraz: Ya ... what are you wearing?
Joan: a small pink dress with lacy lingerie.
Faraz: What colour?
Joan: lingerie?
Faraz: ya
Joan: hot red. You like it?
Blood was pumping through his veins rapidly now as he imagined this faceless woman in red lingerie and he typed 'yes'
Joan: you want to feel it?
Faraz: I would love that.
Joan: Where exactly you want to feel?
This was just the start of chatting where with every minute it became explicit until Faraz found his sexual release. Joan was to be the first of many faceless women Faraz chatted with as his need to meet new women and indulge in dirty talk.
But he was very vigilant to erase all kinds of evidences of the chat from his phone so that Samreen had no indication. She had no idea that her husband wasn't only watching but now communicating with other women regarding sex.
With each passing day distances grew,
Love forgotten,
Animosity increased,
Silent tears fell,
I was hopeless,
I was alone,
But I found peace, comfort in my Lord.
--------------------------------
It's not easy to write when children are off for summer.
One more chapter we then come to the climax of this book...
Only few chapters left now.
Until next time,
Assalam u alaikum warahamatullahi wabarakatuhu.