"Sometimes carrying the burden of an upsetting truth, and hiding it, is actually a gift you give to someone else. You bear that burden, so they don't have to, in a situation where telling them will change nothing." - Cassandra Clare
Chapter Three
I had heard that once a person gets entangled with the black, wispy threads of Depression and enters a unique pit of hell, tailored specifically to that person's nightmares and fears, it was hard to take a step back and become like one's old self again. That saying was right, but a little understated. Not only was it damn right difficult to ever recover fully from those days and nights spent in an invisible hell, but also impossible to revert to the person you were before you lost your sanity. I was the living proof.
My father was the magical rope that had been thrown into my circle of hell and eliminating Opaque was the motivation I needed to climb out of the pitch darkness, but was I the same person I was, or would've been, a decade ago? No, no I was not.
I had been reborn, but the stains of Depression were not only difficult to remove, but also quite impossible. The worst part of it all - talking about it, like many therapists advise their patients, achieved absolutely nothing.
As Agent Beta stood beside me, with a hand on her hip, and asked, "What do you think?" I couldn't tell her about the tornado wreaking havoc in my mind. As far as she was concerned, my past was exactly that - past. She felt the need to warn me when graphic material was present and she worried about my mental health, nagging me to go to a licensed psychiatrist to evaluate my mind, but beyond that, she knew I was a nineteen year old woman now and I could handle myself.
How badly I wanted to tell her otherwise! I wanted to cry on her shoulder until my eyes ran dry and all I was capable of doing was heaving and shaking and trembling. I wanted her to comfort me until I felt my past, present, and future were all safe. I couldn't bring myself, however, to do so.
It would've achieved nothing; and, so I carried the burden of my past between my shoulder blades.
Before I could come up with a carefully worded answer to Agent Beta's question, the door opened and in entered a female agent that I had never seen before.
"Agent A. Agent Beta," she said, addressing us with the rigidness of a soldier in the army speaking to his superior.
"I'm Agent Maxwell - recently graduated from the Academy at Quantico."
"Welcome to the FBI Headquarters in NYC, Agent Maxwell," I said, my firm and controlled voice foreign to me.
"How do you like it here so far?" I asked.
She looked around the room and at us, at the grainy computer screen, and smiled.
"It's been great. It's only my first day, but I like it so far."
It was as if a barrier had been broken within her. The persona of a focused, in control agent split in half and from in between a young woman thrust into a new, unfamiliar place emerged. I wondered what her background story was; being an agent for almost 4 years had taught me that every single agent (and, presumably person) had a unique story to tell.
"Great to hear that," I said, beaming at her.
The tornado was still on its destructive path, but the entrance of Agent Maxwell - an agent who reminded me so much of myself when I had first arrived - had numbed me from its pain.
"Did you come here to chit-chat, or was there anything you needed from us?" Agent Beta asked.
Irritation was crystal clear in her voice and the general apathy present in her aura was so sharp that I had to turn to look at her and wonder if something had changed deep inside of her. This was not the Agent Beta I knew and remembered.
Just like that, the wall went up in Agent Maxwell and we were back at square one.
I tried to communicate with Agent Beta with my eyes and mentally will her into becoming her usual cheery self, but it didn't seem to work. I didn't know whether the footage had changed her like it had me, but if I assumed that she had watched it a couple of times before me, then its effects shouldn't be drastic.
I made a mental note to ask her later.
"Right, sorry about that. I actually came here with a message for the two of you," she said, standing straight as a needle, her hands clenched on her sides.
"Which is?" Agent Beta asked, the rudeness present in her demeanor escalating.
I put my hand on her shoulder, trying unsuccessfully to insert warmth back into her. She was cold.
Agent Maxwell, despite her wall, was easy to read - at least for me. Agent Beta's behavior upset her in the same way my cheerfulness had warmed her. It seemed as if every word coming out of Agent Beta's mouth was a slap to her face - a remainder that in the real world, no one cared about anyone else.
I wanted to reassure her that that was not the case and that Agent Beta was just kidding, but that would have to wait for a later time. At the moment, all I wanted was for Agent Maxwell to cut this meeting short and leave so I could confront Agent Beta.
Instead of answering Agent Beta directly, she turned to look at me as she said, "Agent Hook would like to see you two in his office as soon as possible."
Defiance made a spark appear in her eyes. Instead of worsening the situation for all parties involved, including the group of new agents who were stunned at the change in the atmosphere, I decided to speak up.
"Thank you for bringing that message to us. We'll be right there," I said, with the warmest smile I could muster.
As I expected, my warmth did not make a difference in both of their resolves. Agent Maxwell seemed just as tense as she had been moments earlier and Agent Beta was relentless. However, my ray of sunshine canceled out Agent Beta's coldness and left the atmosphere somewhere in the middle. It was worth a try.
Although I had attempted to relieve Agent Maxwell of the embarrassment and awkwardness of staying in the room for another minute, she didn't seem to run out of the door like I had expected.
Instead, she lingered. "He wanted me to bring you both to him."
Before Agent Beta could make another callous remark, I ended the conversation once and for all.
"I need to re-watch this footage for a case, so can you please head on without us and tell him we'll be there in a minute?"
She nodded, her walls not budging, and with that she left.
The second the door closed I pulled Agent Beta by her arm into a corner of the room and told the rest of the agents, "Don't mind us - we need to discuss some confidential matters concerning a case. You can help yourselves to a tour of the headquarters, however. It's a beautiful building."
Some of them left, eager to check out the facilities the building had, but others lingered. I didn't bother paying them much attention; however, as I had more pressing matters to attend to.
I knew Agent Hook was not a patient man and that if he expected us to be escorted by Agent Maxwell, then the matter was most likely urgent. That in mind, I decided to quickly get to the bottom of Agent Beta.
"What was that all about?" I asked, whispering.
My arms crossed, I tried to give my best impression of being pissed off. In reality, however, I was exhausted and her behavior just drained more of my energy as I had to increase mine to negate hers.
"What do you mean?"
The Agent Beta I knew and cherished was back. The change was so sudden and drastic that I had to physically step back to analyze her. How often had she switched back and forth and I hadn't realized? There was more to her than I seem to have figured out. I couldn't tell if this was a good or bad discovery.
"Why the sudden change of behavior, Zamira?"
She raised an eyebrow at the mention of her name. She, too, crossed her arms. She countered my defensive pose with one of her own.
"I don't know what you mean," she said, looking elsewhere, but everything about her body language said otherwise.
"You know exactly what I mean," I said, raising my voice as high as I dared to go. "Why were you so rude to Agent Maxwell?"
She looked at me, stunned. It was as if she, herself, hadn't realized what, or how, she was saying earlier. This lasted only for a moment before she composed herself.
"I was not. I just didn't like her vibes so much."
I shook my head in disbelief. "You were rude and what do you mean you 'didn't like her vibes'? She barely even spoke for two minutes before you completely shut her down."
She looked uncomfortable at best and guilty at worst. She knew exactly what she was doing and that didn't settle well with me.
"Didn't you notice how rigid she was? I just didn't get a good first impression of her. Sue me."
She went from uneasy to defensive. I couldn't believe I was only recently noticing these changes in her.
There was so much I wanted to say to her. Better yet, I wanted to take hold of her shoulders and shake all of the coldness out of her, but I couldn't.
I didn't know how to respond.
"Since when have you become so quick to judge?"
The way her eyes widened it seemed as if I had done the equivalent of throwing ice-cold water in her face.
"I...uh...I," she stumbled to find the right words.
As much as I wanted to hear an explanation from her, at this point I had understood one thing - there was a lot I didn't know about her. Instead of waiting to hear an excuse she - I had a feeling - made up on the spot, I decided that our time would be better spent in Agent Hook's office.
"Look. I don't want to get into an argument right now. Agent Hook wants us in his office and he won't be too happy to see that we took our sweet time. Meanwhile, in regards to Agent Maxwell... give her a chance. She's new like you and I once were. You must remember that feeling? No? She'll become more comfortable sooner or later and who knows? Maybe you and her will become good friends like Agent Lam and I?"
She looked at her shoes. "So what are you saying?"
I sighed, freeing my hair from the cage I had put them in earlier.
"Give her a chance," I said, enunciating each word with emphasis.
She nodded, releasing her arms, relaxing her body. It wasn't much, but it was a start. I could live with that.
*****
"Hey! How are you?"
All of the tensions that room 204 thrusted upon my shoulders melted away at the sight of Liz. Her carefree smile, her new haircut, and her renewed optimism all reminded me of my biggest accomplishment. I had stumbled and failed to protect her, but I never gave up. I found her eventually and here she was today, beaming at me, finally aware of her roots.
"I'm good," I said, not lying, but also not stating the full truth.
Agent Maxwell and Liz stood close together as I had entered the room, but now the latter's full attention was on me. The former did not look happy to see Agent Beta enter behind me, but as she closed the door, Agent Maxwell masked her dislike with a neutral expression.
"How about you?" I asked.
She laughed and pointed towards her father, Agent Matthew, who was busy conversing with Agent Hook in the corner of the office.
"I'm doing great! It's been nice getting to know my real father and high school is almost ending, so there's that," she said.
Agent Maxwell nudged Liz. "Why don't you tell her about Hunter?"
"Hunter?" I asked.
A rosy blush highlighted Liz's fairer than usual face. She rubbed the back of her head.
"I got into Hunter College and since it's in New York, I won't have to leave dad behind."
"That's great! Congrats!" I said.
At the sound of my high-pitched congratulations, Agent Matthew turned around and approached us, Agent Hook following close behind.
"Good morning, Agent A. I see that you've already met Liz and Agent Maxwell. I'm proud of them both," he said.
Confusion swirled in my head. Noticing this, Agent Matthew chuckled heartily and patted Agent Maxwell on her upper-back, as if she was his son.
"I'm sure you've already spoken to Agent Maxwell, but let me properly introduce her to you," he looked at her, "She is the agent who took over your previous job; she was assigned as a bodyguard to protect Liz while she completed her training, and she's done a fantastic job thus far, if I do say so myself."
Agent Matthew wasn't one for complimenting a person to his or her face unless he considered them worthy enough. This said more about Agent Maxwell and her background than anything else.
"I see," I said.
"It was a pleasure to meet her," I added.
"Likewise," Agent Maxwell said, smiling.
Although I hadn't known her for long, something about her told me that I was more likely to like her than any other person I had ever met. The second this thought passed through my head, however, a light bulb went off in my head.
I looked back at Agent Beta and noticed her awkwardness. I recalled her strange behavior earlier and it was as if two puzzle pieces conjoined together in my head - she was jealous! It was only a suspicion for now, but one I was determined to get to the bottom of.
"Well, if the pleasantries are over with, I would like us to get to the point of this meeting," Agent Hook said, chiming in.
Agent Matthew nodded, and switched from fatherly mode to formal, restrained agent.
"Yes, I hear," he looked at me, "that you captured Dimitrios early morning."
Agent Maxwell and Liz stared at me in, what seemed to be, awe, while Agent Beta barely moved beside me. It was as if a statue was standing next to me rather than a living, breathing person.
"Yes, sir," I said, also adopting the formality, "I accompanied him to the local precinct. They are currently waiting on your orders to have him interviewed prior to his transportation to the Metropolitan."
Agent Matthew nodded. "Great work, Agent A. I hear this is your second high-profile case this month?"
I nodded.
He glanced at Liz before saying, "You've come a long way since the Irwin High case. It's good to see you're living up to your true potential. Your father must be proud."
Agent Hook added, "Of course. He must be. We are all, after all, proud of her and her accomplishments."
Although it had been a long while since I last recalled the rules I had complied over the years and this was definitely not the time for them to make a re-entry, I still found them echoing in my head.
Rule number six: speak as little as possible to those above you and don't let compliments get to your head.
I couldn't help, however, to disregard this rule and all others now. They had little use for me anymore. Therefore, while I didn't exactly scream out in joy and thank them for their compliments, I did allow my heart to expand in happiness and pride.
"Proving my worth to people has been my bread and butter," I said.
They both nodded.
"We know, and that's why you're one of our top agents," Agent Matthew said.
I glanced at Agent Beta. "I couldn't have done it without my partner, however."
Having been mentioned, Agent Beta straightened up her spine and sported a small, formal smile on her face.
"Yes, of course," Agent Matthew said, nodding in her direction.
"While we obviously can't thank you enough for your service thus far, Agent A, we hope that you know what a valuable asset you are to us. And, that being said, we've been meaning to inform you that we have another case on our hands and we've come to the unanimous decision that you're the one who can solve it."
My mind replayed the graphic footage I had seen earlier. Chills went up my spine.
"How can I help?" I asked.
Agent Hook looked at Liz and said, "I suppose we should discuss further matters in private, don't you think, Agent Matthew?"
"Yes, indeed," he said, in response.
"Agent Beta, would you mind taking my daughter to our car standing outside and keeping her company until this meeting is over?"
Her body became tense. "I apologize for my intrusion, sir, but shouldn't I be present in this meeting? I've been to the crime scenes, done the detailing work, and analyzed the footages found. I assumed I would be put on this case."
Agent Hook gave her a pointed look. "We appreciate all the work you've done for this case, Agent Beta, but after careful consideration, we've decided that Agent A is better suited for this case."
"But," Agent Beta argued, "I've always been her partner for almost every case, and I could assist her with this case since she doesn't know all of the details yet."
Agent Hook, a man known for his steel resolve and his hawk like gaze, could effectively shut down even the most argumentative and loud-mouthed agent. Agent Beta did not stand a chance, but I admired her courage to stand up and speak her side in front of a man like him.
"That may be true of the past, Agent Beta, but this is the present we're speaking about. While there is no doubt you are an asset to this case, it's been decided that Agent Lam and Agent Maxwell will be assisting Agent A on this case. They have both been debriefed already, so your assistance will not be necessary."
"But -" she started saying, but Agent Hook raised his hand, effectively ending whatever argument she was going to present.
"No buts, Agent Beta. You are a great agent, of that there is no doubts, but you are better suited for other high-profile cases we are currently dealing with."
He added, "And, may I remind you that you are also currently assisting Agent Samuels on the Mormon Case - a case that has been open for the past year and has yet to be solved?"
Agent Beta had no response to that and, honestly, neither did I. I knew Agent Samuels was struggling to close that case, but I had no idea Agent Beta had been co-assigned that case as well.
As I watched her, I noticed a brief flash of pure rage in her eyes, but before I could analyze it, she masked it. Lowering her head - an act of submission - she nodded.
"I respect your decision," she managed to say.
Agent Hook nodded, but he did not seem pleased. "Thank you, Agent Beta, for accepting our decision. Now, if you don't mind escorting Ms. Matthew to her car..." he said, purposely leaving his command open-ended.
The atmosphere in the office had become suffocating in light of Agent Beta's argument and everyone present was a little on edge, but once she conceded, everyone, except for me, reverted back to their previous attitudes.
"Follow me," Agent Beta told Liz as she opened the office door and, without looking back, walked out.
While I sympathized with her, and felt awful that she hadn't been assigned to the case she had worked so hard on in the past few hours, I felt more intrigued to know why I had been specifically chosen for this case.
Once Agent Beta and Liz were gone, I repeated myself. "How can I help?"
Sighing silently, Agent Hook rubbed his temples before he walked over to his glass desk and motioned for all of us to sit.
It was strange to sit next to Agent Matthew, who with his large build took up a decent amount of space, as if we were colleagues, but his expression, neither Agent Maxwell's did not allow me to notice any discomfort on his part.
"I know Agent A that we've overworked you in the past few months and it's your right to take a vacation any time you'd like, but Agent Matthew and I have come to the decision that you are our hope for this case."
He opened a drawer beneath his desk and pulled out a gray file. He slid to it to me.
"This file contains all the information you need to know about this case and more."
Without opening it, I said, "Agent Beta has showed me the victim details on this case already, sir."
He folded his hands on the desk and leaned forward.
"I'm sure she has shared her findings with you, but this file contains classified information found by the NYPD and other agents on the crime scenes."
I touched the file gingerly, as if it was made of glass. Agent Beta's argument was still echoing in my head.
"Not to be too forward, sir, but there are other competent agents here, Agent Beta included. Why me?"
I hoped my question wasn't too direct, too straightforward, but seeing that his expressions remained passive, I assumed I hadn't crossed the line. At least not yet.
He sighed. "I knew you'd ask that question, given Agent Beta's argument, but I am sorry to inform you that this decision was out of our hands."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
Even Agent Maxwell seemed shocked next to me.
"The 'Cross Killer' - as he's been dubbed - has left us with very limited leads to begin an investigation off of. We've had three murders in cold-blood over the course of a single night and undoubtedly NYC is a little on the edge right now. All we have going forward is background information on the victims and the weapons found at the crime scenes. Besides that, we're completely blind," he said.
Agent Matthew turned towards Agent Maxwell and I. "We are aware that there are other agents present who are perhaps more passionate for this specific case, but we've come across some information that points towards you, Agent A."
"I...I don't understand," I said, looking at them both.
"Listen to this," Agent Hook said, as he turned his phone towards me and pressed the voicemail button.
Following a generic voice detailing the number of messages in his voicemail box, the specific message he wished to show me began to play.
Agent Maxwell and I leaned forward to better hear it.
"By God, Holmes. You're the key. There's only been three deaths tonight, but don't be fooled. There will be more and only you can stop the river of blood from flowing. Stop the stones from being thrown - put an end to the sacrifices!"
Agent Hook turned off the voicemail before the generic voice could return and give us our options.
"This was left at 7:07 a.m., a few hours after the news channels began covering the three consecutive murders. It has been determined that the message was left from a pay phone somewhere in Manhattan and that the voice you heard is computer-generated.
"While we would've loved to have spared you from this case, Agent A, as you can see now, you're vital."
Having heard the message, I knew why I had been specifically chosen for this case. I was Holmes. Someone who knew me well enough to know my nickname also knew the killer, and they thought I was the only one who could stop him.
I leaned back in my chair, perplexed.
"I know this is going to a tough case, Agent A, but the killer must be found immediately and so far, you're our only clue," Agent Hook said.
"There will be more murders in the coming days, of that the message assured us, and innocent civilians will be robbed of their lives. I don't want to put the burden of NYC's safety on your shoulders, but as you can see, we have no other choice. You're our only hope and we're counting you to bring him down," he added.
A knot was forming in my stomach and I did not like it.
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[A/N] There you have it, folks! The story's officially in motion. Angie's been presented a case - how do you think everything is going to enfold? I'd love to hear any theories you guys have so far! Also, what do you make of Agent Beta's behavior? I'd love to know!
As always, thank you so much for reading and I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Please vote, comment and share if you like this series!
-Zamaryah