"No you don't Damian!" Chris said loudly, standing up abruptly causing me to lose my balance and fall backwards slightly. "How the fuck would you know Chris? huh? All I know is I've never felt like this or been so attached or god damn obsessed over someone." I yelled back standing up in front of him. "Just stop Damian, please." Chris said sternly stepping backwards.
I felt my eyes water and my knees weaken, I just wanted him so much. "I have to go." He sighed pushing past me and breaking out into a run across the field towards the school. I stood their staring at him disappear into darkness not even realizing tears were streaming down my face.
I forced myself to move, heading towards my house. Why didn't he believe that I wouldn't leave him? Had someone really hurt him that bad that he could no longer trust? I tried pushing the thought of Chris out of my head as I climbed the steps to my front door.
"You're home early." My mom called from the kitchen. I rubbed my eyes doing my best to hide that I was crying from her. "Uh.. yeah, pretty boring I guess." I shrugged hurrying up to my room.
Throwing myself on my bed, I sighed deeply trying to sort through my emotions. I felt rage replacing the sorrow, I'm so stupid! why did I tell him i love him? Maybe we could have made up and fixed our friendship if i hadn't freaked him out with the whole 'love' thing. I ran a shaky hand through my already messy hair and lifted myself from my bed. Warm tears sunk down my face as I dragged myself into the bathroom and locked the door behind me.
After tugging off my clothes, I rubbed at my eyes trying to subdue the cry while adjusting the shower temperature. I stepped under the running water and hung my head. why did i have to ruin everything? Why am I such a fuck up? Every emotion erupted inside me causing me to break down. I didn't even try to hold back the tears anymore, my knees began to weaken so I lowered my self to the ground, hugging my knees as my sobs melded with the falling water of the shower.
When I couldn't take the pain any longer, I forced myself to stand, reaching my quivering arm up to a small soap box placed out of sight on the very top shelf. My fingers wrapped around the somewhat soggy cardboard and brought it with me as I sat back on the ground. I wasn't sure If I was crying any more but I could feel the pounding pressure it left behind withing my head. The only pain that was worse than that was that in my chest, all the confusion, anger, and desperation held up in my body because of Chris.
I popped open the little tabs on the side of the soap box and held out my palm, allowing the box's contents to fall into my palm. A tiny piece of shimmering metal laid in my hand tempting me, no, daring me to stop the pain. My breath caught in my throat, I squeezed my eyes shut as I held the blade for the first time in months. I had nearly forgotten about it, and probably would have too if what happened tonight, didn't. If I hadn't been so stupid and ruin my only friendship.
I slowly opened my eyes, glaring at the healing cuts on my chest and stomach. Those were the newest, most noticeable. There were others scatted around my body, the disgusting body of a worthless boy. I felt my chest tightening and I knew as much as I wanted to stop doing this to myself, I couldn't. My blade was the only thing ive ever been able to rely on to stop the pain in my lonely life. I held my left arm out in front of me and turned it over revealing very pale skin. If you looked hard enough, you'd find a very light tint of pink dragged along my wrist leaving hidden reminders that i'll never be anything but worthless and pathetic.
I sucked in a breath, and without waiting any longer, I dug the piece of metal into my skin and dragged it across. A wave of relief washed over me as the blood seeped from my arm and pooled at the bottom of the tub. I continued to make cuts up my arm until I felt extremely light headed. Not moving too quick, not wanting to pass out, I managed to turn off the water and pull myself up and into a towel. My face mangaled in pain as I applied pressure to my arm with a hand towel to stop the bleeding. Once dried off and no longer gushing blood, I made my way out to my room and lazily pulled on some basketball shorts and crawled into my bed.
***
The weekend dragged by, I don't think I ever left my bed except for meals so my mom didn't become suspicious, she bought my lie about studying for a big test and didn't question me too much. I honestly didn't feel like doing anything today, or any day for that matter. Although Monday seemed to creep up, which meant I had to face the world. I threw my covers off and stumbled out of bed. I looked like complete shit. My skin seemed paler than usual, My dark eyes had purple rings standing out prudently against my near white complexion, and my hair was a tangled mess. Sighing, I pulled on some clean clothes and went to the bathroom to finish getting ready.
Even after my hair was tamed and looked somewhat decent, I frowned at my reflection. I looked ill, like I was on my deathbed, hopefully I was. I sighed once more and grabbed my backpack before going downstairs in search of some breakfast.
"Morning Damian, want me to make you something to eat?" My mom asked coming into the room holding to articles of clothing. "no thanks, I'm fine with a Pop tart." I replied grabbing the box from the cabinet and tearing one open. I nodded my head at the clothes she was holding while biting into the toaster pastry. "I can't decide which one to wear." She answered my questioning look holding up two blazers with a half smile. I rolled my eyes hating that I clearly knew which one she should wear.
"The navy blue one, the buttons one that black one clash with the top you're wearing." I shrugged finishing my breakfast and turning towards the front door. "thanks hun! Ill be ready in a minute if you need a ride to school." She offered putting on the navy blue blazer. "I'm fine, I'm going to walk, bye mom." I called over my shoulder as she waved a little trying to get into her heels.
I think I'll make walking to school an everyday thing, it was getting embarrassing having my mom bring me. I dug in my pocket, taking out my phone and put my headphones in keeping my head low as I walked. I got caught up in the music, nearly walking right by the school, stuffing my phone back in my pocket I trudged up the stairs leading to the main lobby of the school. When the warning bell rang I racked my memory for what class I had first. Math.
I frowned unintentionally as I maneuvered through the halls and up the stairs to the one and only class I had with Chris, who just so happened to hate me. I entered the classroom as the final bell rang and I scanned the room for where to sit. Neither Auburn or Chris were here. I sighed in relief, not feeling like putting up a facade for Abi since I obviously wasn't in a friendly mood. And seeing Chris would probably break me all over again. I took a seat towards the back on the side I used to sit with Chris. I tried focusing on the teacher explaining the next unit with a little too much excitement, I mean really, Its only math calm down lady.
Just as my attention was finally on what the teacher was talking about, a mopey figure entered the class and handed a pass to the teacher. I nearly forgot to breath as this sad, sad boy who used to be my best friend walked past the staring kids and sat down directly in front of me. He threw his bag down beside him and put his head down, staring blankly at the desk. All I wanted was to throw myself at him and wrap my arms around him and never let go, it killed me to see him like this, hell, that's basically how I feel right about now and I know how much a hug would help. I sighed quietly and redirected my focus on my work.
When the bell finally rang signalling class was over, I grabbed my things and walked around the back of the class to leave so I could avoid Chris. I had barely made it down the hall when I was jerked backwards and smashed against a wall. I screamed out in terror, looking up at my attacker I saw Rick, or Rich, whatever the guys name was who I ran into the first day of school. I squirmed around but it was no use, his grip on me was tight and he was obviously a lot stronger than me.
"I heard you broke my sister's heart faggot!" He spat throwing me against the wall again, causing pain to shoot through my skull. "W-what?" I squeaked out totally confused. "You kissed her at the dance then ditched her. you think its okay to play with someones feelings like that, fag?" He yelled oblivious to the teahers standing right down the hall, but obviously they were oblivious to him as well. I scrunched up my eyebrows trying to understand. "Auburn's your sister?" I asked softly in fear, just now remembering what had happened. "Damn right, stupid bitch." He raised his free arm and got ready to punch me. I certainly hadn't kissed Abi, she kissed me, and I didn't mean to just run out on her but it was no use trying to explain that to this raging prick. I shut my eyes and prepared for a beating. I was use to being bullied at my former school anyway so this was no different.
I felt his fist connect with my jaw and I instantly cried out in pain. He hit me once more then threw me to the ground, I tried curling up, protecting my body as best I could but it was no use against his powerful blows to my side and chest. I heard him yelling out insults as he continued to kick me but everything was so blurry, I could barely keep my eyes focused. All of a sudden, the beating stopped and i winced when i heard the sound of something hitting against something. I opened my eyes and saw something that made my eyes widen, I scrambled back against the wall and pulled my knees up to my face. Chris was holding down Rich or Rick or whatever his fricking name was and hitting him, hard.
Blood gushed from my attacker's nose while he laid unconscious on the ground. "Lets go." Chris hissed pulling me up and leading out the side door of the school. I was unable to speak, I just stared at him as rushed me into his car and pulled away from the school. I didn't really care if I got in trouble for leaving, i was so amazed and confused at the same time.
I don't think my eyes ever left Chris's perfect face even while it was scrunched up in anger he was still attractive. I didn't even notice the car stopped until Chris was standing in front of me holding the passenger side door open for me. I hurriedly got out and followed him into his house. I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn't. He closed the front door behind us and his cold hand took mine gently and lead me up to his room. I watched as he brought me in to his bathroom and seemed to be searching for something, anger, or maybe annoyance took over his facial expression.
He pulled out what appeared to be a first aid kit and balanced it on the edge of the sink. His hands reached for the hem of my shirt and he pulled it over my head and dropped it to the ground. A wave of sadness washed over his eyes but he quickly looked away turning to open the first aid kit. once it finally hit me that my shirt was lying on the ground, i felt extremely selfconscious. I looked down at myself and my eyes widened, nasty bruises and a few gashes were displayed on my chest and stomach. I swallowed and looked up at Chris who was tending to one of my injuries. his hands were cold which made me shiver, but that only made his hold on me tighten to steady me.
"T-thank you." I said so quietly I barely heard myself say it. Chris's lips twitched into a sad smile, which made me relax a little. He was putting the first aid kit away and my eyes nervously darted to me shirt. I was reaching for it when Chris stopped me and grabbed my arm gently. i looked up at him confused when It dawned on me what he was looking at. I glanced between him and my arm, his eyes were fixed on the still very fresh cuts on my forearm.
"Damian," Chris whispered still looking down at my arm. My throat felt dry and my chest tightened, I didn't know what to do. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. I felt his hand let go of my arms and I was shocked when he pulled me into a hug. I felt safe in his arms and instantly relaxed against him. "Please don't ever do that again Damian." He said softly but firm enough to let me know he was serious. I nodded sadly and held back tears, tightening my hold on him.
"Can we be friends again?" I asked shakily burying my face in his chest. I felt him rest his head on top of mine before responding.
Chris laughed a little, "Yeah, we can be friends again."