{Date written: 2/?/16}
I'm standing in front of my calendar
And I can't believe how many days
Have gone by that we haven't spoken
And I can't believe how many days will go by that we will not speak
We will continue to pretend
That we never met
That we never shared anything
That we don't know everything
about each other
That we never loved
eachother
Or maybe it was just me who fell
Because I know I wasn't so special
I know I didn't mean much
But I'm still standing in front of my calendar
Wondering if you wonder about me
Wondering if you check my profile
Like I check yours
Wondering if you've
Met someone new
Wondering if you've
Slept with someone new
Wondering if you're
In love with someone new
And I'm still standing here in front of my calendar
Thinking that May 31
Will pass this year and it won't mean anything anymore
Just like
June 17 will pass
And July 8
And August 5
And you're birthday will come along
And I'll want to send you a message
Even though my birthday came and passed with no word
And I will kill myself wondering
If you miss me as much as I've missed you
But here I still am
Staring at this stupid Pink Floyd themed calendar
Still trying to figure out why
we didn't work
Still trying to figure out why
I wasn't as important to you as you
were to me
And I don't understand how time went by so fast
And you won't be here next year when I graduate
Instead you'll be in Colorado
With someone new
But I'll still check your profile
Just to make sure you're still alive
and well
But right now I just want to rip my calendar off the wall
And I want things to stop moving
so fast
And I just wish you'd
come back
And I want to tear the sheets off of my bed
Because even though I washed them
They are still the sheets I learned to
trust you on
They are the sheets I smiled into
When you sent me a cute picture
They are the sheets I moaned into
When you touched me that day
They are the sheets I cried into
When we were done
The sheets I screamed into
Because I couldn't stand the pain of
Losing you
The sheets I sat on
Hoping that the ceiling would
collapse down on me because you
weren't mine anymore
But now that I think of it
I'm sure that you were never mine to
begin with
And that is a sad, sad realization
Because loving you,
That was the last thing I felt really
Good at
Loving you was the one thing
I never thought I'd fuck up
But I was wrong.
And here I am
Still looking at this calendar trying to think about
How fun summer will be
Or how cool being a senior will be
Or what being 18 will be like
Or how great moving out will be
But all I can't think is how bland it will be without you
And how I wish I had loved you better so maybe we'd still talk
But now I'm laying on the floor
Clutching this goddamn calendar like
It's my lifeline
And I can't stop crying
All because I stared at my calendar
Long enough to realize how fast time
Is passing me by
Long enough to realize just how much time I've wasted wishing things weren't the way they are
I fall asleep this way
Spooning my calendar
And when I wake up hours later
I tack my calendar back on the wall
And I take the sheets off of my bed
Because what good is having sheets
That tangle themselves around your heart as you sleep?
How do I expect myself to move on
if I'm sleeping on every memory of you?
So I take the sheets off of my bed.