oh no, the sad chapter.... expect tissue boxes
Chapter 19-Chemo
"Elle?" Andrew asked, helping me up. "It's really you?"
"Yeah, it's me. . . .," I said, and then gulped.
Oh fuck. Andrew didn't know. Andrew didn't KNOW. HE DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW!
But then again, neither did Moxie and Tony.
"Where've you been all these years?" he asked, his eyes narrowing just the slightest bit.
Ignoring you. . . .
"Uh . . . places. . . .," I said, waving my hand.
"What kind of places?" he asked suspiciously.
"With my mother," I said, and I heard Tony and Moxie's little intakes of breath. I had already told them.
"Ah, I see," he said, his eyes narrowing more now. "And your mother was more important than me?"
"I stopped talking to you in the FIFTH FUCKING GRADE!!!!!! Why did you even THINK you were important?!" I cried, crossing both arms over my chest.
"I expected you to care all these years!" he yelled back, and oooohh didn't we look like the couple breaking up in the parking lot.
"You know what, FUCK YOU!" I shouted, grabbing Tony and Moxie by the arm and dragging them away to the car.
"THIS IS NOT OVER!" he called to me as we strode away. "ALL THOSE YEARS!"
I shivered. That was so LONG ago, though! It was a part of my life I was more than willing to forget.
"Who was that?" Moxie asked.
"No one," I growled, unlocking the car and sliding into the driver's seat.
"Didn't seem like no one," Tony pressed, climbing into the backseat.
"Can you guys just . . . stop?!" I yelled as we drove away. "I have to go in for chemo tomorrow and I just wanted tonight to be special!"
Uh oh. FUCK. Now I had done it.
"Ch - chemo?" Moxie stammered from next to me.
"Yes, chemo," I sighed, pulling over off of the road and turning around in my seat. "Guys. I have bone cancer."
"Oh ELLE!" Tony and Moxie screamed at the same time, and both flung themselves onto me, crushing me with their arms.
We all started crying then. It seemed that there weren't enough tears.
"I-I'm gonna b-be okay," I stammered through the tears, wiping my eyes.
"W-we h-hope so!" Moxie cried, rubbing her cheeks where her mascara had started to run. "W-we don't w-want to l-lose our awesome r-room m-mate!"
"Y-yeah," Tony said, grasping my arm. "W-we'll hang on."
"So you have to g-go in for chemo t-tomorrow?" Moxie asked, leaning back. "You're gonna l-lose your hair, right?"
I nodded. They were silent. I strapped myself back in, started the car, and drove off again. We were silent all the way back to the college.
As we pulled into the dorm parking lot, the whole car shook with the force of some music pounding from one of the dorms. As we parked, we could feel the techno beat thrumming through our chests, and our earrings were jangling.
"Do you wanna go in and have one last night of fun?" Tony whispered to me as we walked up the front lawns.
I shook my head, sighing.
"Nope," I said. "Can't have any alcohol in the system, and I need a good night's sleep the doctor said."
Bullshit. Doctor didn't say any of those things. I just wanted to go lie down and sleep.
"Alright," Moxie whispered so quietly that I could barely hear her, and we slowly trudged up the dorm stairs.
We made it to the top floor and into our dorm, and I collapsed onto my bed, face-down.
I could hear Tony and Moxie approach, stop, leave, and then approach again many times. I didn't want to interact right now. This was almost as bad as when I first found out I had cancer.
As the lights finally turned off, I rolled back over and stared at the pulsating lights on the ceiling, reflecting from the dorm across the lawns in the other building that was partying. I wonder if Clarke was there.
It was funny, who close you could be to death, and you just wanted to lie in bed and wait for it to come knocking. I know everyone says you should live like you're dying and party until you're dead, but how do they get out of bed when they know they could be dead in a few short horus? Days? Weeks? Months? Or did I have years?
And would chemo hurt? I had never experienced it. I know I would lose my hair. Would they give me a wig?
All these thoughts swirling inside my head made me want to just bury my head under the pillow and not emerge for days.
But I had an appointment. Tomorrow.
Oh fucking joy.
***
"Alright, Elle, just take these pills."
I put the pills into my mouth with some water and forced them down reluctantly.
"There you go. When you fall asleep, you'll start."
I nodded dumbly. I didn't much feel like talking.
I was sitting in the blindingly white room of a hospital, in a hospital gown, waiting for the anesthesia pills to kick in so they could start my chemo.
Greeeeaaaattt.....
As I felt the wave of sleep come over me my last thought was I wonder if you can fry nachos....
***
"Seems like it worked, doctor."
"Mhm. Good. She'll come in in a month."
"Yes doctor. Oh, I think she's waking up!"
My eyelids fluttered and I blinked them open slowly. White. More white. And MORE fucking white.
"I am sick of this white," I mumbled, and sat up.
As I reached up to scrunch my hair like I always did when I woke up, my hand met empty air.
Huh?
I felt around, and touched my bald scalp.
"It's . . . it's gone?" I asked feebly, staring up at the man in the white coat who had done this to me.
"Yes, I'm sorry. But we have a wig for you. It's your own hair, that you donated," he said shortly, handing me a wig.
It was my exact hair color, melded into a wig that fit perfectly on my head.
You wonder why I wasn't happy that I had "hair?" Well, I'll tell you why.
I MISSED MY FUCKING ACTUAL HAIR. The hair that was ATTACHED to my head, that had so much LIFE, so much COLOR. I don't know what they had done to my hair, but it was DEAD. Dead COLORED, dead FEEL. I FELT dead.
"Well, you're set to go, Miss Williams," the doctor said, handing me my clothes.
"Mhm," I said, nodding.
The doctor left the room, and shut the door behind him. I slowly pulled on my Beatles shirt and jeans, and trudged out of the doctor's room.
I was surrounded by hugs, cries, tears, and some watery smiles as they greeted me outside the hospital room. Clarke, Josh, Peter, Gillian, Alexis, Moxie, Tony, the Bradley boys all except Alex, the Bradley parents, Maddy, and Ayla.
I managed a few words, a few smiles, a few tears. It was enough. None of them could see through my shield that I put up. My heart was breaking inside.
Should I feel something? Happy that I was out of chemo? Happy that I was getting out of the hospital?
Yeah right. Fuck my life. What did I have to live for again? Oh, that's right. An ex-boyfriend who hated me and a stalker that had just come back. Whoop dee fucking doo.
As I was led out of the hospital and driven back to the dorms I just sat in silence in the backseat, resting my head on the window and staring outside. They eventually picked up on my silence and just talked to each other. Clarke kept shooting glances my way, but I ignored him.
It was all a flurry of goodbyes as the ones who had to leave left and the ones who had to stay walked up to their dorms. Moxie and Tony followed me silently as I walked up all the way to our dorm.
How had I been so happy a few days ago? How had I been so cheerful when I knew what was to come?
Why aren't you happy?
Because I have nothing to live for.
FUCK THAT. You have Clarke, Moxie, Tony, all of the Bradley boys, and you have your conscience, who is always right.
Yeah right. I'm going to sleep.
Shutting out my inner thoughts about how I should be so fucking happy because I was going to die, I curled up into my bed sheets and just fell asleep.
I opened my eyes wide. I couldn't sleep. I had another idea in mind.
Moxie and Tony were fast asleep as I walked like a zombie. It was right to do this. I needed to do this.
I walked out of the dorm and up another flight of stairs. These were rickety and wobbly, moving under my feet and creaking so much that I thought they would collapse under me.
I finally walked out onto the viewing deck that sat on top of the dorm buildings. People would hang out up here, party, have fun. But I had none of these ideas in mind. I slowly walked up to the ledge, the very edge of the roof, and looked over the campus.
All of the dorm lights were off, and the college sat dark and silent in the distance. The moon shone brightly above me, giving everything a silvery glow. The stars all winked at me, as if saying, go on, go on.
I looked down at the ground below me. Grass and flowers that the graduating seniors had planted.
Taking a deep breath. I climbed to the top of the ledge, just high enough so that no drunkie would fall off, and low enough not to obstruct the view.
Closing my eyes, and spreading my arms out wide, I took another deep breath.
This was the right thing to do. I would be dead soon anyway. And who would miss me?
I put one foot forward.
~~~
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